Sunday, 9 January 2011

FOR FUCK SAKE

Things are VERY hard at the moment.
Despite my current predicament, and the last few nightmarish months i've had to deal with,
things were starting to look on the up...

 But no.
Life came along and decided to curbstomp on any kind of hope that i was going
to get any kind of justice or fair treatment/sentance.

 There is only so much One can take.
Most of my waking life is spent constantly, meticulously worrying about my case,
i feel like if i don't, no one will worry or care about me. Anyday now, i can feel
myself developing a massive fucking tuma the size of a pineapple..

 I have INSANELY big decisions to make right now,
with NO ONE to give me any kind of honest advice on what i should do.
 Every choice seems to lead to the same thing = I'm FUCKED.
Every option i have has no definite answer as to how badly i'm fucked either.
 Oh, and if i don't make my mind up quickly, i'm even more fucked.
                                 WHAT THE FUCK!!

 I'm trying to be strong, i've tried to look at things in a positive light,
but my circumstances and life seem to be pushing me to walk the plank and
jump ship more and more with every passing moment in this concrete tomb.
 I can't even look outside anymore, the streets are carpetting with snow, everything
looks beautiful, and it just reminds me why i had dreamed of coming to this city
since i was a teenager..I'd LITERALLY cut my arm off right now for a taste of freedom.
 No bullshit.

 I came to New York with good intentions.
All i was after was a fresh start, new adventures, and someone special to share my journey with.
 In the eighteen months i spent in this city before my incarceration, i did a lot...

...i explored the city, met new 'family' members, kicked a drug habit, living in Coney Island, Bombed, mingled, partied, got kicked out of my cousins house for standing upto him when he was abusive to his wife, moved into an ant infested apartment in Queens, Drank in MANY bars, became a busboy, painted throwups on rooftops plastered, slept in many beds, became an office messenger, worked next to the empire state building, dated best freinds, did too many shots of tequila to count, racked unholy amounts of paint, hooked up with writers from New York, Seattle and Norway, drank 40 ounces of malt liquor, painted many shutters, ate Joeys pizza, explored Maspeth, got the subway every morning to work, racked ladders from work to paint 15ft block letters in Brooklyn, met a lot of white suburban 'alternative' squares, gave people something to talk about, was fresh as a motherfucker, went through untold bottles of ink and bingo markers, became an audio tech, worked for GQ, Vanity Fair and Teen Vogue, got hench, racked a LOT of champagne, made mistakes, learnt how to cook pasta, sketched my turkish balls off, finally got some hand styles, was constantly hit on by my married gay jewish boss, finally started flossing the dome, met some very ignorant racist americans, watched my landlord go insane, moved into my own apartment that i loved, almost broke my back delivering 200 bottles of champagne, got a xmas bonus, brought some sophistication to an Irish Xmas, froze my nuts off painting pieces in sub zero temperatures, starting drinking Gin, introduced Grime to the NYC mandem, started smoking again, got tattood, worked a LOT of overtime, took UNTOLD photos, made the biggest mistake of my life=losing focus, ordered too much takeaway food, fell in love with Bushwhick, went to warehouse parties, crashed rooftop parties on my Jaes, broke every bed i've had, explored Williamsburg, got healthy, got jogging, got tattood, got clean shaven for the first time in YEARS, got married, bunked hundreds of trains, blagged the cops, got shot by my brother Timo Stammberger, kicked EVERYONES ass at Street fighter 2 turbo, downloaded thousands of movies, got betrayed, caught too much jokeries..
..and that's just the tip of the iceberg..But all in all, it was not enough. I did not do enough with my time, there was so many opportunities i turned down, mistakes i made, and things i could've, should've done, that i didn't..and now my adventure in life seems to be drawing to a close, i have many regrets. The biggest = losing focus of who i am, what makes me happy, and the type of people i should surround myself with.

4 comments:

  1. Mate, don't do anything stupid. I don't know how much comfort you can take in the words of a random internet stranger, but that's a fuck of a lot you managed to cram into a year and a half, and it's all there waiting for you again one day. You're obviously an extremely talented and uncommonly motivated individual. Plus, you're a really good writer - I really enjoy reading your blog and always look forward to new posts. I seriously reckon you could get a book or film deal at the end of it, you've got a hell of a story to tell.

    Stop talking in the past tense and keep in mind, IT WILL GET BETTER.

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  2. ^^ Exactly what he said mate, all waiting for you again in just a matter of time!

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  3. stay focused mate, there's a LOT of people constantly thinking of you and even people who don't know you are always asking about you and I'm sure there are plenty of people reading this blog with the same intrigue and fascination. No.2 x

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