Thursday, 16 December 2010

Sleepless nights

I have trouble sleeping.
Not just because of my current predicament.
My thoughts and memories keep me awake most nights. They are as comforting as they are upsetting. I find it hard trying to relax and not let my mind just wander off on its own...meditation has helped, but it's hard meditating when you have a 260 pound guy snoring like a rhino who's been shot with a tranquilizer dart in the asshole.
 I think a lot about my freinds and family, and people that are helping to support me through my incarceration. It means more than words can express, i love you all.
 I stopped taking my sleepytime medication recently. I was told by the doctor who was prescribing it to me, after i had told her my doctor, doctor fartbreath from blatant-bullshit-lane, had prescribed me the same drug in England,
"The only possible side effect you may get, and this is a one in a million chance, is a 'sustained erection' for four hours".
Just like you, i found this more than amusing. Not just because i was talking to a very short lady about 'sustained erections' who looked like one of the riddlers with a PHD, but more the thought of what could come from this. She told me if this happened, i should tell my prison officer immediately and seek help. Ok. Just try to imagine what would happen if i told the failed pig who is in charge that i had a boner and it wouldn't go away? Nevermind...
 One of my good pals took the time after hearing what medication i was on, to inform me that it has many other side effects other than the bonerthon described above. A possible side effect is getting a permanent Lob on that you have to get SURGERY to get rid of..and then u can't get a barry ever again. Errr bun that off!
 So, i find myself staying up into the very early hours, gazing out my window onto the street below. I sit very close to the window, as you can get a tiny bit of fresh/cold air coming through. The street light outside always has a golden look to it..the streets are always empty, and remind me of a time when i was free.
 I have always been a person who enjoys exploring. More times than not, it has been alone.
There is something i have always found very magical and romantic about being out in the early hours of the morning, on empty streets, just me and my thoughts.
 When i first moved to Queens from Coney Island, i would try to be out as much as possible. The apartment i was staying in was not ideal. It was some crazy turks apartment, i was renting a room the same size as my cell, and the apartment was infested with ants. So i would try to be away from that place as much as possible.
 Many nights i spent on my own. Just filling up my bag with a few cans of paint, beers and some pre rolled joints to smoke on the way home. I'd sometimes run into people while i was out, but it was never my intention. Just the feeling of walking the streets when most people are at home tucked up in bed, and being out free to explore anywhere and everywhere that i desire is something i yearn for like hell in here. It's what made me feel alive, knowing how big the world is out there, and that its mine for the taking..I feel like it's killing me being locked in here.
 Not just walking the streets of New York..I would get the same feeling back home in the big smoke. Whether i was in central, to being in the middle of nowhere walking along a train track in the dead silence, only the sound of the stones underneath me echoing in the distance.
 I found myself in the predicament i am in, because i forgot how much i enjoy being on my own, and exploring new places with no one but myself. I was looking for romance in a big city, and sadly, was looking in all the wrong places.
..In reality i didn't need anyone. Just myself, my thoughts..and a can of rusto.


  1. Hey Tim,

    My name's Amy and i'm a friend of Chad's, I've been reading your blog, and I'm really enjoying it. It's good that you are doing something productive to pass your time. Please keep writing cause i'll sitting here following along. Keep strong!


  2. When I was in rehab (not the same by a long shot but still locked up) I found mindfulness of breath and meditation with a clear head cleared the hours until I was out, you read dharma punx? I can send it over from amazon US if you want? - Jordan