Saturday, 1 September 2012

No you can't have any salt.

Just finished some food an I'm lying down waiting for the mail to be given out..

The food was straight bullshit.

Two trays of rice, chopped meat and beans,
I'm broke as a joke so dashed a pack of sazon in it
an PUNISHED that shit..



Let's play catch up..

Believe it or not i managed to pull off that 24 hour fast.

That shit was pretty bugged out!!

There where times i felt mad light headed,
but surprisingly it wasn't actually that difficult to do,
i might actually start doing it more often..

Perhaps once a week or something..

it definitely leaves you feeling very aware of your surroundings,
almost on some next neo'd out Matrix tip..

Give it a go if you think I'm bullshitting!!

There where several moments during that 24 hours where i would just sit
somewhere an stare at people, observing their actions, how they interacted with
one another, i would try an decipher their body language and the overall signals they
were consciously or perhaps unconsciously putting out..

How someone is sitting..

Their facial expressions..

What are they doing with their hands..



Then I'd start thinking,
what do i do when someone engages ME and what
does that actually say about me and my brain patterns?

I don't think about this kind of stuff so i can necessarily alter or
move or act differently, more so to understand my reactions to certain shit
so i can get to the bottom of what emotion is driving my behavior and why
am i using it in this instance.

If that makes sense?

Say for example..

If i see someone standing in a rather uncomfortable looking pose,
holding his hands in a very animated position.

To me that person seems as if he is extremely concerned about what
other people think of him, more so than his own comfort or wellbeing,
hence putting himself in such an uncomfortable pose that is mainly for
the benefit of other people looking at him..

He can't relax as he has to keep up a persona..

At least that's what i, in my uneducated opinion,
make of his posture and behavior.

Don't get me wrong though i do this kind of shit all the time..

On any given day,
you have a good chance of catching me standing by the card table,
communicating with a vast array of goblins in a complex mixture of
singular eyebrow raises, lifting my chin up in peoples direction,
with both hands behind my back, chest puffed out, holding my
right wrist with my left hand..


Huddled in a camera less corner with a myriad of cronies,
cradling my penis with one hand and verbalizing with a mix of
patting my left fist on the right side of my chest and repeatedly
shaking my head in a slow diagonal fashion, while contorting my
mouth from side to side in opposing directions..


What does that say about me?

My arm is mostly healed now.

There's a big patch of tattoo that seems to have been replaced
with pink flesh, which kinda sucks, it's not a particularly important
part of my sleeve, a bit of stem and cloud, but still, it sucks.

My right ear is doing a lot better!!

I'm not walking around on a Pee Wee Herman flex anymore
what i can't hear people.

Which is good!!

What else..

Oh yeah!

Thank you to all the kind people that have offered to write letters to my judge!!

The letters don't have to be particularly long or hand written,
each one makes a difference and i really appreciate the support you
are offering me at this rather difficult time, please keep them coming,
I'd also like to say thank you to the kind people that have reposting it
on blogs or through Face book and shit like that..

If you don't know what I'm talking about
then give this a butchers..

After all this time being locked up,
especially locked up in a facility like this which is meant
for very short stays, having some kind of end in sight is
cool but as you might imagine it's a little nerve racking
considering the wide range of sentence I'm looking at.

As always I'm taking one day at a time.

I'm concentrating on what i can do today and what is in MY hands.

Anything else doesn't really bare thinking about.

Not in the big picture..

The days that seem to effortlessly spawn aggravation and possible
causes of grief, i try to look at them like little challenges, test,
to see how badly i want to be outside.

Almost as if they're a test to see if I'm actually ready to be outside!

I mean..

There's no point in going back out there just to replay the same stupidity
that i was putting out before.

It led to years of stress and unhappiness, an i don't think, despite my many flaws,
that it i should accept that sucker shit anymore.

I dun wasted way too many years stressing over meaningless bullshit..

Each day that i have to witness an external entity voice his or her displeasure in life at
me in the form of negativity or lashing out in frustration, I'm at a point where i understand
not to take it personally.

How can I.

For something to be personal it has to be directed at you personally,
at your personality..


Now if an individual is projecting something towards me and i have done
nothing intentionally wrong, either two things can be happening,
neither one of them is personal..

-They have made a mistake.


-They simply don't know me.

If they are taking something out on me and it isn't warranted,
they have made a mistake and there is no point in taking that personally.

If someone doesn't know me then there is no way i can take their behavior
towards me as personal.

So there is no need to be offended or necessarily react to their
outburst or whatever it is they are doing towards me.

Just walk away..

Thinking in these simple terms is very helpful for me.

I'm intrigued to see how this type of problem solving will work out for me in the future,
if it works this good in such extreme conditions of severe confinement with people that
have a lot of mental problems and 'reasons' for taking their aggression out on everyone
and anyone, comparing it to outside and the perceived problems that come with living
everyday life in the street..

Sitting back on my bed imagining being outside, putting this shit into practice,
picturing all that would be different about my life and how i interact with the world,
i imagine life for me in the future is going to be a lot more relaxed..

To say the least.

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