My cell isn't too bad. Neither is my cellie.
There are a lot of people in here that are annoying cunts, bullies, tossers, morons, imbeciles,
and just generally the types of people you would expect in prison i guess..luckily i don't have to
share a cell with someone of that calibre. I get on extremely well with Sha, and he makes my stay at
MCC a little bit easier to cope with.
For instance, I wake up on a Saturday morning to a completely fonged out room..It's a Saturday, so i
instantly turn the radio on to the reggae set on 89.9 (8am-12) and Sha passes me a nice
hot cup of coffee..safe :)
My sleeping habits have been really bad recently..most nights i don't get to sleep til around three or four in the morning,
usually down to just talking and catching jokes into the early hours..There are too many things that happen in an average day in here that are extremely retarded, yet too funny..Plus i drink way too much coffee. Today i have had 3 very big cups, and my last cup is (stupidly) usually close to around the time we get locked in for the evening. At least it's something though, a comfort that i have in here to make things a little big more managable..
After finally getting up, making my bed (you get in trouble if you don't. Wankers.) and pulling some clothes on, time
to take a stroll around the unit and survey my surroundings on this nice Saturday morning..I do a little tour of the tiers,
checking in on the people that i get along with and giving Gucci/screw faces to the ones that can suck my turkish balls..
I go see what the older southern gentleman are doing..they always seem pleased to see me, and whenever i'm passing i get calls of 'Timmyboy! Come sit down bwoy!' which always makes me smile :)
They tell me the same thing day in day out, that "you're a good kid Timmy, trust us you're going to be fine, everything is going to work itself out for you" which is nice..
I'm back in my cell, lying down on my bunk, listening to some tunes (that i am sharing with you on this page) drinking the rest of my coffee..i make it real strong, then when it's halfway done, i bang a load of ice in it..
I'm wondering what is happening in the rest of the world. What my freinds are doing, my family, everything. I can't help it.
I don't want to be here.
I want to be outside in the sunlight, feeling the air in the breeze, not fart vapours in a confined jailcell. I want my life back.
to be able to go and do as i please with the short time i have been given on this earth..instead of sitting in this cramped fucking cell, a few feet away from the ceiling, staring through these bars at the human beings walking below me in
the street..Then again, the life i had previously has completely fallen apart, so what life would i be returning to upon my release? Marriage is done, Apartment is done, more than likely life in New York is done..
At the moment, i feel anything but human, more like a caged animal..which leads to an interesting question..if you treat someone like an animal, take away all of their dignity, show them absolutely no respect, take away EVERYTHING that makes their life worth living for them..How do you expect them to react when they are released?
Maybe i'm just over tired and talking bollocks..the coffee is starting to give me a serious headache..
I find it a comfort when i am lying in bed, to rest my hand on the bars over the window and stretch my fingertips
so i can touch the glass..it's usually cold, and i can feel the air outside passing through the cracks in the glass..
The day when i can be released to the streets, whether it is London or New York, i find extremely hard to
visualise right now..I get very upset just trying to imagine being free at this point, i've been here so long with
so little contact with the outside world and with my life completely changing since my arrest, it's evident that
things will never be the same as when i entered..but could that be a good thing? I mean, i was living a very unhealthy
lifestyle, surrounded by people that did anything BUT inspire me, and was just doing the same thing day in day out..
at the very least, for everything it has cost me, this situation quite possibly has (ironically) broadened my horizons
for the future..
There is a part of me that is still attached to all i had..To my wife, despite her atrocious behavour..i'm only human, and when i promised to stand by her for the rest of my life, i meant it. Since then, she has shown that she didn't quite take it as seriously as she led me and others to believe..but for me, after making a promise like that to someone, it's not something i can just forget overnight and pretend like it didn't happen..That's a (bad) habit of mine, i will behave in a certain way (in this case not forgetting about my marriage/moving on) or thinking in certain patterns that cause me a lot of pain, but i feel like i need to go through this or behave this way even if its detrimental to me. Sounds stupid now i've written it down, but i guess it's a habit that i need to shake off in here..probably just me being a stubbon Turk, who knows..
It has been five months now i've been here. That might not seem like much
to some people, but to me it feels like a fucking eternity..
..and i'm more than likely not even a quartre into my stay yet..