Sunday, 27 February 2011

deep cover

The weather at the moment is cold. Fucking Cold.
 Up until recently, my cell was nice and toast..thanks
to morbid flatulence, and the heat coming in from the vent..
 No more.
Well, sadly, the flatulence is still in full effect..but the heating has stopped.

 Common knowledge, it's wise to get out of bed early in the morning in here,
but when you don't own a sweatshirt or multiple layers of clothing, your bed
is the warmest thing you've got!
 Once up and about, you warm up pretty quickly..But the first inital step
out of bed in the morning is a motherfucker!! Trust!

 In a typically turkish/English fashion, i have been relying on multiple cups
of tea to keep me warm..everytime my cup is almost, mans reloads the shit quick fast..
 My toes are so cold, i've had to wrap them in three pairs of socks as standard..

 On one of my trips to the microwave to warm up my chai, i overhear someone complaing
that 'all the youngsters have no respect for the microwave' and that 'they leave it looking
like someone exploded a colostomy bag inside' Which i find highly amusing :D
..But then out of nowhere, this new, elderly southern gentleman joins in on the conversation..
"When i was in Louisiana, someone put a turtle in the microwave"
..Everyone pauses..
"Yeh, it was a live turtle..some jokester found it in the yard and put it in the microwave,
blew the whole microwave up..but that turtle meat sure did taste good! he he..i used to
catch them and cook them.."
 A lot of people are in here for pyshiatric evaluation..I'm guessing he's one of them...

 Nightfalls..the coldest part of my waking life in the jail..
The few elite members of the jail are lucky enough to be keeping themselves warm
with dirty lungs..alas we ain't all that privelidged!
 I got my shorts, sweatpants, long sleeve tshirt, jumpsuit and beanie hat on..
..Plus i have my blanket wrapped around my neck like some neeeext rowdy scarf..
 My cellie is well versed in what to do in sub-zero jail conditions..
"N****r, i'm goin deep cover!"
 He ain't joking..
Man's is lying under four blankets, wearing two sweatshirts, smiling with a towel wrapped
around his head..farting consequtively..
 Shortly before going 'deep cover', i made us some tuna, jalapeno and mayonaise sandwhiches..
I usually don't eat jalapenos, but i thought it might warm me up a bit..
..Plus all the ingredients had none of my input in 'collecting', so who am i
to start getting picky?

 The peppers, however, seem to have had a negative effect
on my compardre..
"Motherfuckin jalapenos already starting to fly out my asshole kid"
"DAMN! Had to check..thought my cheeks were caked..i'm good though dog"
 Glad to hear!
I mean, no one wants to hear that their buddy has just shit their pants..he seems
very sure that he hasn't, to the point that he feels the need to explain, in minute detail,
why he knew he hadn't shat himself..
 The short version, he felt the fart leave his asshole, pass between his butt cheeks,
then stop at his how does he know for sure he hasn't fouled himself?
 "If you pull your butt cheeks apart, you can tell if you've shit your pants. I know all the tricks kid :D" he goes to sleep,
nice and warm, surrounded by a cloud of shit matter..I on the other hand am far too cold
to succumb to sleep so easily...

 I have taken to listening to hawain hula music, it makes me think of hot girls in grass skirts,
on the prevent this peaceful image from turning into masterbation material,
i'm reading a very interesting book by David Icke..
..It's all about how an inter-dimensional, shapeshifting, reptialian race has been controlling
the world for thousands of years, and still is. True story too :)

 A few hours pass..I'm beginning to feel sleepy,
or at least acknowledge that i SHOULD be asleep by now..Despite the best
efforts of David Icke to keep me awake, it's time to climb onto my cold,
lonely, uncomfortable rock hard matt/'bed' and get some rest..after all,
tomorrow i have another day of being in jail to look forward to :(
..Out of the corner of my eye, i spot something..
 Cheeky little bastard!! Right in front of me, bold as brass,
i clock this little, big balled mouse! As soon as he knows that i know that he knows,
he scarpers behind my cellies bed...

 Fuck. FUCK.
Two choices. Either i wake up, and tell my cellie..which means all hell will  break loose,
an the next few hours will be spent re-enacting a tom n jerry cartoon..ultimately leading
to an extremely gruesome death for topo gigio..

 Or i pretend i saw nothing, follow the G code, brush my teeth and attempt to fart myself to sleep..

What would you have done?

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