I've just made a hench mug of coffee,
it's bare late, and i'm bouncing off the fucking walls.
I think i'm pissing off my cellie.
"Did you ever take ecstacy in the street?"
"That's probably why you're so bugged the fuck out :D"
These late night coffee sessions have actually
done me a hell of a lot of good recently..
In this sleep-deprived, caffeine fuelled state, it seems
like i am able to open up my brain to new, positive,
healthy conclusions to my thoughts. I look at things differently.
I read somewhere that if you change the way you look at something,
that which you were looking at also changes..this is true.
I spent so much focusessed on that girl and how she treated me.
So much time, energy and heartache was spent trying to figure out
how she could abandon me in a situation as fucked as this,
merely two months after vowing to be by my side
for the rest of our lives..but i understand now.
Over the seven months i have been in here, many people have
told me the same advice again and again..
"Yo, you're fuckin' lucky to have got out now kid,
she did you a favour!"
It wasn't until recently that i fully
understood what they meant or how that made sense.
There's that saying, something about you can lead a horse to water,
but you can't make it drink.
I understand now.
These dudes where right,
she DID do me a favour.
Well, she has shown me through her actions who she is.
Opening my eyes to reality, and i appreciate it more
than she could ever know.
I was shown what her true definition of marriage, love and commitment
How important it was to her.
What being married meant to her, and how much she valued me and my life.
feelings and definitions of marriage evidently
differ greatly from my 'spouse's.
Of course it is majorly fucked up to find out so harshly in a situation
as bate as this,
but fuck it,
at least i found out!
It's evident that i didn't know this girl
as well as i thought.
I didn't know who she truly was.
For that i can only blame, if anyone, me, myself and i.
When it comes to the core principles of who you are,
what you judge to be right and wrong, me and this girl
are polar opposites. No matter how hard i think about it,
imagine different scenarios, things never could have worked.
God forbid a child would've been involved..
The girl didn't stand by me as my wife.
She didn't love and support me when i needed her,
ultimately it wasn't in her nature to do these things,
and i understand that now. We are different people.
The greatest thing two people
can have on this earth is an understanding,
It feels good.