Thursday, 12 May 2011


 Since coming to prison,
i have rediscovered my faith in a higher power.

 I wouldn't say that i am Christian,
Muslim or any other type of specific organised
religious follower, but i certainly believe that
there is a higher power that we all answer to.

A force that created us, that we are all a part of.

 Most of my adult life,
i have not been religious.

To be honest, i had a lot of anger and pent up aggression towards
most types of organised religion, in particular Christianity,
and i felt i had a very good reason.

I was raised as a Christian.

With my mother and siblings i went to
church every Sunday.

 One day on the way to church,
something terrible took place that changed
my families lives, my future, personality and
the way i look at life and other people around me.

 No more than five minutes away
from the church we attended in Putney, we got
into a car accident.

I almost died, and my sister Rachel sadly passed away.

This had a devastating effect on me,
my brother and my parents.

It is something that i will carry around with me
for the rest of my life, and i never forget.

 In the years that followed after the accident,
i still attended church.

If i'm honest, mainly
to hang out with my buddy Jack.

We'd go back to his after church and rinse his megadrive,
or go back to mine and play my SuperNintendo. Games like these bad boys...

 As the years went on and i got older,
i began to blame my creator for what happened that day,
and built up an unhealthy amount of anger and hatred towards
the religion that i had followed as a lickle yout.

My reasoning..

"If God exists, and he is supposed to love you,
how the FUCK could he let that happen, of all places,
on the way to church?"

 I would often repeat that question to anyone who
spoke to me about religion, ignorantly taking their inability
to precisely answer my question as some kind of clarification
of my ridiculous theory to what happened.

 In reality,
i think the people i spat this unanswerable question at just
didn't want to say anything that might upset the clearly angry
and confused young man standing before them.

 It is only now,
that i understand the true nature of what happened that day,
and the years that followed.

 When i first came to jail,
as you can imagine, i was fucking terrified. My life seemed
over, everything was falling apart at the seems.

I was a desperate man.

The only thing i could think to do was pray.

It didn't work..

..or so i thought.

I was praying purely from desperation,
i didn't know what the fuck else to do!?
 Plus, my options were pretty limited.

My freinds and loved ones were trying to find out
where the fuck i had disappeared to.

 The only person who knew was my 'wife',
who was either lying to people about my whereabouts,
or straight ignoring these peoples attempts by my loved ones
to contact me. People where growing more worried and concerned
by the day..

Things just seemed to get worse and worse.

 I almost gave up completely,
i felt like my prayers were as useless as my creator was on
the day of the accident, but then it hit me like a ton of bricks..

My creator has always been there for me.

Even back then.

At the time of the accident,
two doctors just happen to be jogging by when it happened.

 I went through the windscreen, and had it not have been for them, i wouldn't
be here, tapping away in a typically moronic fashion, sporting my retarded
facial expression when i type, somewhat similar to Patrick from Spongebob..

I know now that being in this jail is merely a pitstop for me
and my story in life.

A chance to fix the fuck up.

The life i was living was not meant for me.

I was spending my time surrounded by shallow
people, who were not good for me.

I had entered into marriage with a girl who is the complete
opposite of me, and never could have been the partner
i was searching for.

How did i end up married to someone so different to me?

Beer, blowjobs, butthole
and me being way too trusting.

It was all a lesson for me.

 I truly believe my creator took me out
of that unhealthy, unhappy life i was trapped in,
and has bigger plans for me.

 In my prayers,
i pleaded for some kind of divine help,
for my marriage to work out..

..and it is working out, for the best.


 Not how i expected,
but that's life. it's full of suprises,
you just need to stay positive, except change and
remember, today, like any other day in your life, you
are only responsible for the effort you make.

Not the outcome.

As long as you do what you know in your heart is right,
everything else will fall into place.

If something is out of your control,
it defies lofic to worry about it.

It's retarded.

Prayer led me to all these conclusions.

I asked for help,
and everything i asked for i have recieved.

except for my freedom, but in time
that'll come too.

Until then, you can do something today that
will help speed that process along..

1 comment:

  1. I feel this post G! Big Benjy S E LONDON