My first night in New York..
I had made FULL use of Brittish Airways policy of
free booze on the plane, and accompanied by some gymnast from
upstate New York sitting next to me, got pretty slippy on the way over..
Once i'd touched down at the airport,
off to the arrivals lounge to go find my bald bastard of a cousin.
I see him.
He's clad in a leather jacket, sweating profusely. The jacket is
clearly buckling from the untold rolls of fat trying to escape, his
face is covered with secretions of lard and grease..
A short car ride later and we
are in my temporary residence of Coney Island..
He made me swear in the car not to tell my father how shady
the neighbourhood i was staying in was. This was a re-occuring thing
with this big fat Bozo, asking me to lie to people for him, or straight
up just lying to me like it was just a ting.
I first met his wife that night,
she was a very sweet lady. I could tell from the word go that she
was a good person, fuck knows what she was doing with that slob! After
a nice meal and some conversational pleasentries, fatso asks me if i blaze.
After hearing my response, we're in his prickmobile heading to the Bronx
to go pick up..
He wanted me to meet his freinds.
but regret followed shortly.
..I found myself standing in a dingy stairwell,
surrounded by the most pathetic bunch of goons i have
ever had the misfortune of being in breathing distance of.
To say these guys looked like the gang that can't shoot
straight would be a compliment to these utterly dillusional
Wannabe gangsters, take note.
A small amount of low grade marijuana,
a small firearm, a small vocabulary and
a microscopic penis does not make you a
After a few blunts go round,
this one particular deformed baffoon rolls up a king L sized
blunt and passes it to me, and the dribbling idiot manages to
string together what i presume was his attempt at verbalising
in the english language..
"yo England yuz gatta smohk awl o this kid"
He's chewing gum.
Y'know, that new type of gum that's just come out.
The one that smells of dog shit.
I take the blunt from his fecal stained fingers,
grab a street fighter and spark and it..
My guess was this was some kind of initiation
ritual to officially become a twat.
I think i failed.
I was jetlagged, tired, still a bit pissed and already
real fucking high..Mandem clock i was flossin the jedi,
there was no way i was going to finish it,
so me and the blob take out leave..
The journey back is long. REAL long.
Fatso pricks decides to take the scenic route,
which i didn't mind had he not have bored me half to
death talking all kinds of next level bullshit for at
least two fucking hours instead of just concentrating
on keeping his fat fingers on the steering wheel..
He's chatting all these blams about the rest of our family.
Basically most of my fathers side of the family are real pieces
of shit, excluding my father. They all run around stabbing each
other in the back and complaining how bad everyone is, yet
do nothing other than repeat the same appaulling behaviour
This fat cunt keeps saying how 'we' are different,
and how 'we' need to set an example to the rest of the family,
that there is no loyalty and 'we' will show the rest of them..
I heard this same speach from each one of the three
cousins that i am blood related to in New York.
None of them speak to each other,
they're all borderline retarded, hate each others
guts and are simply three peas in a pod. Their
lives are spent bitching about each other, being
nasty, selfish, horrible people, and can't seem to
understand that is the reason they only attract
negativity to their lives.
it's just a shame they're all way too stupid to see it.
we arrive back to the yard. I'm tired,
i crash the fuck out. I needed rest,
a new chapter in my life was about to start..