'Shit' comes into the jail a few different ways.
Whether it's through 'elevators', crude pulley systems lining the air vent shafts,
or though visits.
..And that is done one of two ways..
The first is 'balloons', that are swallowed, then barfed up after the visit..
The second, much more glamorous way, is 'boofing' it.
What is boofing, i bet you're wondering..
*DRUM ROLL*
Why, sticking it up your ass of course!
"Boofing..hmm..i ain't no fan of that shit"" Sha explains
"N****rs be treating their assholes like a gymbag"
Given the choice, most people opt for the balloon technique.
..Apart from 'some freak n****rs'
"Timdog, no bullshit, i know n****rs who be boofing onions (ounces)"
As you can imagine, it's a mneas to an end, not exactly frowned upon,
but not an enjoyable prospect..for most..but everyone has their price..
"I ain't down for that..but if a n****r got the motherload? That shit's comin back"
Sunday, 9 January 2011
dress for success
Being in a pre-trial facility, there are very few things to do. Other than work out, type bullshit emails, and use the telephone. I don't watch TV, see it as a serious waste of time..The other inmates here don't, and sit around watching the Jersey Shore and reality shows for most of the day..
I've got a few good freinds in here. Most people know me, i get on with most people, but try to keep myself to myself..One of my best freinds in here is T a tall, bugged out looking individual, who i catch many a joke with. He used to be a fashion designer, worked with Mark Ecko...but as i said, is pretty bugged out.
One of the things you can do here is teach classes.
T has started a class, Dress for Success, all about teaching people how to dress for job interviews, interview techniques, and generally how to represent yourself in a professional manner. Most/all the things in his class is mostly common sense, but you would seriously be suprised on what some people in here think is the right way to go about getting a job...actually you wouldn't be suprised, it's federal jail, and you're swimming in the bottom of the gene pool...anyway..
So we have our first 'class'. We have been given a questionaire to fill in before the class..Questions such as..
1.Is it appropriate to wear a baseball cap in a job interview?
2.Is is appropriate to wear Jordans to a job interview?
And so on...people got these questions wrong.
The class is made up of me, F, and a Russian dude that is 21 but looks 54 who's name i can't pronounce..who made the class pure jokeries. T takes fashion seriously. Too seriously. To the point that if he thinks you are right, and he might be wrong, he gets seriously wound up..And Russia did this for the whole class...
One of the questions was
5.Where should the tip of your tie fall?
Answer=just above your belt.
Russia "In my country, the size of your tie says the size of your...your...your fuck"
Everyone at first looked very confused...then burst out laughing
"Do you mean the size of your dick?"
"yes yes, but no, i like girls"
Errr next question..
Everytime we get to a new question, Russia has a story from the old country which T finds increasingly infuriating..To the point were he can't even sit down, he's standing up shouting at the whole class
Russia "You calm down"
"BUT YOU'RE WRONG"
"No no, if you have twenty student, not one of them is wrong, they are all right"
"NO! I'M TELLING YOU YOU'RE FUCKING WRONG!"
And so on and so on...
Russia "look look"
he writes down 2 + 2 =
"what does it make?"
T "it makes four. don't try and tell me it doesn't, it makes four"
"no, no, with physics, i can make five :D "
Just to make matters worse, i look at the bottom of my 'test' and Sha has added an extra question that the whole class sees
"If T went to see Sha for a job interview should he A. Suck sha's balls B. Take Sha's dick up his ass C. All of the above"
T sees it. Class is dismissed.
I get back to the cell before we get locked in and tell Sha, who finds the whole thing hilarious..then has some bad news for me
"I gotta take a Hulk Hogan shit son"
There is very little toilet paper left. I explain i need to shit too, but wanted to wait til the doors unlocked..
"Well fuck you dude, do as the romans do T...you wanna have that brittish class? Ok, but i'll be the one shitting son, not you"
Great...absolutely great..
"Yo, play 'window' while i wash my ass, son"
I've got a few good freinds in here. Most people know me, i get on with most people, but try to keep myself to myself..One of my best freinds in here is T a tall, bugged out looking individual, who i catch many a joke with. He used to be a fashion designer, worked with Mark Ecko...but as i said, is pretty bugged out.
One of the things you can do here is teach classes.
T has started a class, Dress for Success, all about teaching people how to dress for job interviews, interview techniques, and generally how to represent yourself in a professional manner. Most/all the things in his class is mostly common sense, but you would seriously be suprised on what some people in here think is the right way to go about getting a job...actually you wouldn't be suprised, it's federal jail, and you're swimming in the bottom of the gene pool...anyway..
So we have our first 'class'. We have been given a questionaire to fill in before the class..Questions such as..
1.Is it appropriate to wear a baseball cap in a job interview?
2.Is is appropriate to wear Jordans to a job interview?
And so on...people got these questions wrong.
The class is made up of me, F, and a Russian dude that is 21 but looks 54 who's name i can't pronounce..who made the class pure jokeries. T takes fashion seriously. Too seriously. To the point that if he thinks you are right, and he might be wrong, he gets seriously wound up..And Russia did this for the whole class...
One of the questions was
5.Where should the tip of your tie fall?
Answer=just above your belt.
Russia "In my country, the size of your tie says the size of your...your...your fuck"
Everyone at first looked very confused...then burst out laughing
"Do you mean the size of your dick?"
"yes yes, but no, i like girls"
Errr next question..
Everytime we get to a new question, Russia has a story from the old country which T finds increasingly infuriating..To the point were he can't even sit down, he's standing up shouting at the whole class
Russia "You calm down"
"BUT YOU'RE WRONG"
"No no, if you have twenty student, not one of them is wrong, they are all right"
"NO! I'M TELLING YOU YOU'RE FUCKING WRONG!"
And so on and so on...
Russia "look look"
he writes down 2 + 2 =
"what does it make?"
T "it makes four. don't try and tell me it doesn't, it makes four"
"no, no, with physics, i can make five :D "
Just to make matters worse, i look at the bottom of my 'test' and Sha has added an extra question that the whole class sees
"If T went to see Sha for a job interview should he A. Suck sha's balls B. Take Sha's dick up his ass C. All of the above"
T sees it. Class is dismissed.
I get back to the cell before we get locked in and tell Sha, who finds the whole thing hilarious..then has some bad news for me
"I gotta take a Hulk Hogan shit son"
There is very little toilet paper left. I explain i need to shit too, but wanted to wait til the doors unlocked..
"Well fuck you dude, do as the romans do T...you wanna have that brittish class? Ok, but i'll be the one shitting son, not you"
Great...absolutely great..
"Yo, play 'window' while i wash my ass, son"
Friday, 7 January 2011
shitstorm
Things are very hard at the moment.
Despite being in federal prison, things were starting to get better..
Then SUPRISE SUPRISE!
Life decided to take a lamb bhuna shit all over me...asif there wasn't
enough fecal matter in my life already, i am now absolutely drowning
in shit, everytime i try to grasp for air i am forced to chew on nutty
logs until i puke all over myself...
Every morning when i wake, as soon as my eyes open,
the same old crap...
I am confronted by the sagging asshole of life, winking, cheeks spread
apart, slowly squeezing a scatty lionbar over my face like a shit moustache..
They might as well turn the cell above mine into a Turkish toilet, cut a hole
in the floor, aim it at my head, and line up people to continually splatter my
bonce with white hot explosive diarria...
Whenever anyone asks me 'what's new?', i usually reply "same old shit"
My freind Biz gave me an interesting reply..
"Nah dude, it's never the same shit..unless you're eating your own shit..
Different shit, same toilet."
Word.
Despite being in federal prison, things were starting to get better..
Then SUPRISE SUPRISE!
Life decided to take a lamb bhuna shit all over me...asif there wasn't
enough fecal matter in my life already, i am now absolutely drowning
in shit, everytime i try to grasp for air i am forced to chew on nutty
logs until i puke all over myself...
Every morning when i wake, as soon as my eyes open,
the same old crap...
I am confronted by the sagging asshole of life, winking, cheeks spread
apart, slowly squeezing a scatty lionbar over my face like a shit moustache..
They might as well turn the cell above mine into a Turkish toilet, cut a hole
in the floor, aim it at my head, and line up people to continually splatter my
bonce with white hot explosive diarria...
Whenever anyone asks me 'what's new?', i usually reply "same old shit"
My freind Biz gave me an interesting reply..
"Nah dude, it's never the same shit..unless you're eating your own shit..
Different shit, same toilet."
Word.
Thursday, 6 January 2011
Next Yards
Being in here, there are a lot of different people you meet..people get extradited from all over the world to this prison, if they comitted a crime that has ANYTHING to do with the United Snakes, they go to the countries they are in, and extradite them here. If that fails, they kidnap them. Really.
With all these different people, you get to hear about different prisons around the world..some better..some worse..some are just off the fucking chain.
Sha introduced me to a gentleman who was a General in the Honduras army. In the prison he was sent to, just like more or less EVERY other prison in the world, money equals power. Real power.
For example, we looked through some of his photos from the jail..photos of him in his cell, holding his GLOCK 9mm pistol. Not only that, but he was allowed to have his DOG stay in his cell..at the weekends, your wife can stay too! Live!
You might think it's a bit far fetched to hear of an inmate having a gun in jail, but he explained to us that many of the inmates in the jail also had bought AK47s!? For protection!?
"You got dough, N****r be eating Shrimp scampy an all kinds of shit!"
I'd heard a story from Sha about inmates in NEW YORK having guns in jail..a common practice is getting a gun smuggled into the jail, and then getting someone to shoot you..then sue the jail. For millions...no jokes..Well, it's pretty jokes to be honest..
You can tell who has power and who doesn't in jail.
If you see someone getting a pedicure and their toenails clipped, they've got some serious P's. An there is a lot of guys in here with serious money...500million serious money..
Sha has been in a lot of jails. a LOT of jails. He tells me stories on the regs, of jokes he's had, and also extremely shit your pants with explosive diahrea situations..
Compared to most he's been in, this place is a holiday camp. Or a mental asylum, depending which way you look at it.
After we get locked in, people usually calm down an go to sleep pretty quickly..in other jails, Sha says that people
"shout and scream like apes til 2-3am"
He likes to refer to himself, and people on his level, as 'killers and gorillas'. When in a federal penitentiery, most people are of this calibre. And it is a very different state of affairs...
Sleeping with one eye open is common practice. Sha has told me that he has had to do this in MANY jails, for his own protection..every night, bar none...because someones always trying to 'get' you..
To combat this..
Tying soda cans to your door for an alarm..
"Baracade the door incase n****rs try to get me in the morning"
"For the 'jumping n****rs' i got a trick for them too..hook up soda cans to a tripwire, turn that shit into a motherfuckin' laserbeam, catch all these wiley n****rs..N****rs like me got all the booby traps kid"
Sha says he can do time in any jail on the planet, he would easily adapt..
"I could do time on the fucking moon, i'd wipe my ass on an asteroid"
With all these different people, you get to hear about different prisons around the world..some better..some worse..some are just off the fucking chain.
Sha introduced me to a gentleman who was a General in the Honduras army. In the prison he was sent to, just like more or less EVERY other prison in the world, money equals power. Real power.
For example, we looked through some of his photos from the jail..photos of him in his cell, holding his GLOCK 9mm pistol. Not only that, but he was allowed to have his DOG stay in his cell..at the weekends, your wife can stay too! Live!
You might think it's a bit far fetched to hear of an inmate having a gun in jail, but he explained to us that many of the inmates in the jail also had bought AK47s!? For protection!?
"You got dough, N****r be eating Shrimp scampy an all kinds of shit!"
I'd heard a story from Sha about inmates in NEW YORK having guns in jail..a common practice is getting a gun smuggled into the jail, and then getting someone to shoot you..then sue the jail. For millions...no jokes..Well, it's pretty jokes to be honest..
You can tell who has power and who doesn't in jail.
If you see someone getting a pedicure and their toenails clipped, they've got some serious P's. An there is a lot of guys in here with serious money...500million serious money..
Sha has been in a lot of jails. a LOT of jails. He tells me stories on the regs, of jokes he's had, and also extremely shit your pants with explosive diahrea situations..
Compared to most he's been in, this place is a holiday camp. Or a mental asylum, depending which way you look at it.
After we get locked in, people usually calm down an go to sleep pretty quickly..in other jails, Sha says that people
"shout and scream like apes til 2-3am"
He likes to refer to himself, and people on his level, as 'killers and gorillas'. When in a federal penitentiery, most people are of this calibre. And it is a very different state of affairs...
Sleeping with one eye open is common practice. Sha has told me that he has had to do this in MANY jails, for his own protection..every night, bar none...because someones always trying to 'get' you..
To combat this..
Tying soda cans to your door for an alarm..
"Baracade the door incase n****rs try to get me in the morning"
"For the 'jumping n****rs' i got a trick for them too..hook up soda cans to a tripwire, turn that shit into a motherfuckin' laserbeam, catch all these wiley n****rs..N****rs like me got all the booby traps kid"
Sha says he can do time in any jail on the planet, he would easily adapt..
"I could do time on the fucking moon, i'd wipe my ass on an asteroid"
Monday, 3 January 2011
you ask him
"You ask him. If i ask him, and i know he's got it, im'a rob him"
After the prank that was pulled on my yesterday, Sha tells me about some other prankeries that he's pulled
over the years..
Google him. Eric Manson, bank robber. he is a notorious bank robber..
One day he was with his mother in town, asked her to park next to the bank while he cashes a cheque..
He genuinely goes into the bank to cash a cheque, then remembers he has a stocking mask in his pocket..
So he leaves the bank, puts the stocking mask on and runs into her car shouting "DRIVE MA DRIVE!"
She screams, starts speeding away, an after two blocks he starts laughing an lets her know hes only joking..
she pulls over the car, lights a cigarette an slaps him lol
When he was younger he would play the 'perfume game'. This would involve sticking a finger up his butt, going upto one of his siblings and saying "hey ma has this new perfume, wanna smell it?" then putting the finger in front of their nose til they scream/gag/puke..
Another memorable prank was his brother was sleeping face down, with no tshirt on..So Sha took a shit on his back while he was sleeping lol
Some quotes from stupid conversations...
We are having a discussion about aliens and extra terrerstrial intelligence...
"E.T is as real as a motherfucker, Predators, everything! Predators been blowin' up n****rs, real talk"
I tell Sha about how i don't like getting on boats, he shares the same feeling..
"a n****r shouldn't get on a boat, no way, that's the last place a n****r should be,
n****r, ain't you learnt your lesson?"
After the prank that was pulled on my yesterday, Sha tells me about some other prankeries that he's pulled
over the years..
Google him. Eric Manson, bank robber. he is a notorious bank robber..
One day he was with his mother in town, asked her to park next to the bank while he cashes a cheque..
He genuinely goes into the bank to cash a cheque, then remembers he has a stocking mask in his pocket..
So he leaves the bank, puts the stocking mask on and runs into her car shouting "DRIVE MA DRIVE!"
She screams, starts speeding away, an after two blocks he starts laughing an lets her know hes only joking..
she pulls over the car, lights a cigarette an slaps him lol
When he was younger he would play the 'perfume game'. This would involve sticking a finger up his butt, going upto one of his siblings and saying "hey ma has this new perfume, wanna smell it?" then putting the finger in front of their nose til they scream/gag/puke..
Another memorable prank was his brother was sleeping face down, with no tshirt on..So Sha took a shit on his back while he was sleeping lol
Some quotes from stupid conversations...
We are having a discussion about aliens and extra terrerstrial intelligence...
"E.T is as real as a motherfucker, Predators, everything! Predators been blowin' up n****rs, real talk"
I tell Sha about how i don't like getting on boats, he shares the same feeling..
"a n****r shouldn't get on a boat, no way, that's the last place a n****r should be,
n****r, ain't you learnt your lesson?"
Sunday, 2 January 2011
MOTHERFUCKERS
I am in MCC New York, Manhattan Correction Center...It's not the worst jail in the world.
The way it is set up, it's more akin to a mental hospital. There are plenty of mental people in here too.
It is a Federal Correctional Facility. The Feds. A Federal crime..u get me.
There is another Federal Correctional Center in New York...Brooklyn. MBC. The fucking lions den. It is known for being extremely violent, off key, and generally if you're going there you better prepare to fight/stab/rob/kill/maim/extort/do whatever you have to do to survive. Seriously, the place is fucking notorious..
I wake up this morning, and am told by Sha that the CO (correctional Officer) has told me i have court today and need to get ready..which is strange as i know i don't have court for three months (FUCKING LONG, YOU FUCKING PRICKS) but whatever, i start getting dressed..Then the CO comes to the cell
"Guvercin, pack up"
what?
"Pack up you're going to Brooklyn"
:O Welcome to DiariaShittypantsville Tennesse..
I ask him many times if he might be mistaken, he assures me he isn't and that i need to get all my 'posessions' together, pronto. FUCK. Sha comes back to the cell, and looks very very sad. He can't believe i am going, and helps me get my shit together..I have people from all over the unit coming over to the cell to talk to me..
"DAMN Timdog, that place is fucking ruthless"
"Shit man, the guys in there would cut your face up for jokes"
"Gangs in there will get points for cutting a dude like you"
"You're going to the bigtime kid, you better get your shank ready"
:O fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
So i pack up everything, say my goodbyes to all my freinds and pass out my email adress/contact details..i feel fucking sick, i know were i am going, and how fucking fucking fucking bad it is...
I get to the door, bag packed, all ready to go..there is about 50 dudes ready to see me off, all telling me i will be ok as long as i keep to myself, fight when i need to fight, stab when i need to stab etc..even the head of the Bloods is giving me advice
"Just go ruthless Timdog"
Sha comes and gives me a hug, and says a little speach about how much of a nice guy i am and how much everyone will miss me, then says
"On behalf of everyone here, i'd like to let you know..."
unfolds a piece of paper that just says 'PUNKD' on it
The WHOLE fucking unit erupts in laughter, people are rolling around on the floor crying, punching the walls, screaming, laughing at the top of their lungs....MOTHERFUCKERS!!! even the fucking PRISON OFFICER was in on the joke!! PRICKS!
Time to change my shitty pants..
The way it is set up, it's more akin to a mental hospital. There are plenty of mental people in here too.
It is a Federal Correctional Facility. The Feds. A Federal crime..u get me.
There is another Federal Correctional Center in New York...Brooklyn. MBC. The fucking lions den. It is known for being extremely violent, off key, and generally if you're going there you better prepare to fight/stab/rob/kill/maim/extort/do whatever you have to do to survive. Seriously, the place is fucking notorious..
I wake up this morning, and am told by Sha that the CO (correctional Officer) has told me i have court today and need to get ready..which is strange as i know i don't have court for three months (FUCKING LONG, YOU FUCKING PRICKS) but whatever, i start getting dressed..Then the CO comes to the cell
"Guvercin, pack up"
what?
"Pack up you're going to Brooklyn"
:O Welcome to DiariaShittypantsville Tennesse..
I ask him many times if he might be mistaken, he assures me he isn't and that i need to get all my 'posessions' together, pronto. FUCK. Sha comes back to the cell, and looks very very sad. He can't believe i am going, and helps me get my shit together..I have people from all over the unit coming over to the cell to talk to me..
"DAMN Timdog, that place is fucking ruthless"
"Shit man, the guys in there would cut your face up for jokes"
"Gangs in there will get points for cutting a dude like you"
"You're going to the bigtime kid, you better get your shank ready"
:O fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
So i pack up everything, say my goodbyes to all my freinds and pass out my email adress/contact details..i feel fucking sick, i know were i am going, and how fucking fucking fucking bad it is...
I get to the door, bag packed, all ready to go..there is about 50 dudes ready to see me off, all telling me i will be ok as long as i keep to myself, fight when i need to fight, stab when i need to stab etc..even the head of the Bloods is giving me advice
"Just go ruthless Timdog"
Sha comes and gives me a hug, and says a little speach about how much of a nice guy i am and how much everyone will miss me, then says
"On behalf of everyone here, i'd like to let you know..."
unfolds a piece of paper that just says 'PUNKD' on it
The WHOLE fucking unit erupts in laughter, people are rolling around on the floor crying, punching the walls, screaming, laughing at the top of their lungs....MOTHERFUCKERS!!! even the fucking PRISON OFFICER was in on the joke!! PRICKS!
Time to change my shitty pants..
Saturday, 1 January 2011
NEW YEAR
I bet you're wondering what i did for New Years?
Well the local bar was closed, it got raided about a week ago after one of the hooch containers exploded and fonged out the whole fucking unit, so it was a sober one for me i'm affraid...
There was a break dancing battle in the kitchen which lasted for about half an hour, until the captain came running into the unit screaming 'WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON' and we had to scram! Yikadges!
When it finally got to twelve, me an my cellie sparked up an extremely big/crude snout, and toasted the new year with some moonshineries...from about five minutes before twelve, to two hours after, EVERYONE in the jail were kicking their doors/punching the walls/screaming, it was like fucking armageddon...was too funny seeing Sha calmy stand up, put his shoes on, then run and boot the door about 50 times lol
Definitely a new years to remember!
Here's hoping this year is going to be better than the last one..
When we were being locked in, all the inmates in the unit were going around wishing everyone a happy new year, after the head of the Bloods came upto me to wish me a new year, an italian dude calmly walked up to me an said..
"Hey English, Happy New year! It's going to be Happy year, so be happy my freind :D
Well the local bar was closed, it got raided about a week ago after one of the hooch containers exploded and fonged out the whole fucking unit, so it was a sober one for me i'm affraid...
There was a break dancing battle in the kitchen which lasted for about half an hour, until the captain came running into the unit screaming 'WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON' and we had to scram! Yikadges!
When it finally got to twelve, me an my cellie sparked up an extremely big/crude snout, and toasted the new year with some moonshineries...from about five minutes before twelve, to two hours after, EVERYONE in the jail were kicking their doors/punching the walls/screaming, it was like fucking armageddon...was too funny seeing Sha calmy stand up, put his shoes on, then run and boot the door about 50 times lol
Definitely a new years to remember!
Here's hoping this year is going to be better than the last one..
When we were being locked in, all the inmates in the unit were going around wishing everyone a happy new year, after the head of the Bloods came upto me to wish me a new year, an italian dude calmly walked up to me an said..
"Hey English, Happy New year! It's going to be Happy year, so be happy my freind :D
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