Wednesday, 25 July 2012

You don't have to wait

My hearing is super fucked at the moment,
woke up a few days ago an couldn't hear fuck all out of my right ear,
it's mad jarring having to constantly say "what? WHAT?" on some Pee Wee Herman
flex anytime someone asks me shit..

This shit's mad disorientating..

I dun like being around crowds of people like this.

i'm not aware of my surroundings an i can't tell what the fuck is happening,
it ain't cool constantly being on code-red looking for someone about to do pull some bullshit.

it's very fucking tiring!!

A Spanish freind of mine gave me some ear drops,
despite being in Spanish an having NO instructions as to
how i should use them or what the fuck they're even FOR,
the gesture was still appreciated.

It was a tad bit worrying that HE didn't even know
exactly what they do, just smiled an said,

"fo da ears"


"Ma n****r, yhu gad anodder ear, yhu be goud sern!"


My brother just helped me put them in my ear.

I've spent the last half lying on my side like a muscular slug,
listening to a high pitched noise that isn't going anywhere..

I think this bullshit has done about all it's
going to do today..

(Which is fuck all)

With my one 'good' ear i'm listening to the radio.

Instead of lying down on my side sweating my full to the brim balls off,
i've shifted to the middle of my bed, sitting sideways.

Besides wearing a pair of pretty bate looking "uncle bob" shorts
and drinking ice water, resting my bare back against the wall
is the only thing i can think of to keep..

So it's July.

Almost time to celebrate another year on this earth.

What did i do with that year?

I spent it in Federal Prison.

Unless some kind of miracle of justice and morality happens in
the next twenty four days and i am released from my incarceration,
which i stupidly havn't given up hope on JUST yet..


The whole of my 26th year on this earth
was spent in a maximum security prison.

It's not all been doom and gloom though!

Not really..

There are a lot of things i have needed to work on.

Things i don't think i ever would have got round to doing 
had i stayed in the street doing the dumb shit
i was doing year in year out..

There have been many instances where i had to make a decision,
which would have lead to two very different outcomes.

Turning points in my life.

And a couple come to mind as i write this..

It was the spring of 2010 and i had just been made redundant from my job
as an office messenger, something i wasn't happy about but was out of my hands.

Some equipment had gone missing and even though i wasn't actually at work that day,
i ended up having to take the bullet..

I was going through difficulties with my living arrangements
and a freind of a freind gave me a call, offering a legitimate way
of making things work and staying on a healthy track as far as how
i was living and the decisions that were open to me.

It was exactly what i needed at the time,
a minor role in a restaurant he was managing..

The pay was WAY better than what i had been getting..

It was right next to Times Square..

The hours were good..

**Cash in hand**


I did initially take the job,
but from the second day i was there,
i was looking for an excuse to bun it off.

My twisted logic was that i needed to concentrate on my
personal life, which was in its early stages of decline, ironically,
down to my lack of focus and discipline.

The job this guy had hooked me up with would have actually
put me in a position where i had the finances to stay fully
independant and in control of where my life was headed,
i would've had options..


I bunned it off..

Citing some completely irrelevant personal matters
i was going through, i didn't even have the decency
to call the dude to tell him..

I sent him a text.

It wasn't my finest hour..

Sorry about that..

"The mind functions this way:
"If this relationship falls apart, i'll fall apart, my job might go, and with it my lifestyle,
and following that, my body may change from alive to not alive." At a deep subconscious level,
an argument with the boyfreind/girlfreind becomes a threat - a life-and-death struggle- not just
a discussion about the dispute in question. That's why people can get so upset about things that
seem so trivial." - Stuart Wilde

In the middle of 2010,
i was REALLY starting to lose the plot..

I wasn't eating anything other than fried bullshit,

Apart from being an un-paid advertisement for eating lard an smoking dicks,

I didn't know WHAT the fuck i was doing with my life..

At one point,
when shit really started to get out of control,
someone suggested we take off for a few days,
just head out the city, to Maine i think, we was
gonna breeze down there for the weekend..

It would've given me a much needed break,
some time to take a step back and evaluate what
the fuck i was doing, get a better perspective,
at the least just get me out of my surroundings
for a couple of days for some fresh air..

I chose not to..

"Human beings have derised a vast repetoire of strategies for avoiding having to experience suffering.
Sometimes we use external means, such as chemicals - deadening and medicating our emotional pain with
drugs and alcohol. We have an array of internal mechanisms as well - psychologixal defenses, often unconscious,
that buffer us from feeling too much emotional pain and anguish when we are confronted with problems. Sometimes
these defense machanisms can be quite primitive, such as simply refusing to recognise that a problem exists. At other
times, we may vaguely recognise that we have a problem but immerse ourselves in a million distractions or entertainments
to avoid thinking about it." - Howard C. Cutler

Before finishing this piece of writing,
i got into a huge argument with someone in here,
over some incredibly petty and pointless bullshit.

It was a reminder that,
although i have learnt lessons from my past mistakes,
that doesn't necessary mean i won't make bad choices
in the future..

You can have all the knowledge in the world,
but unless you actually put it into practice..


You're still a fool..

I'm at a point in my life where i don't want to argue with anyone anymore..

I'm fine with just agreeing with people.

You're right, i'm wrong.

You're good, i'm bad.

You go your way and i'll go mine.

If i spend my time arguing with idiots,
i will always lose..

If i spend my time arguing with scholars,
i will always win..

"Accept life as you find it rather than struggling against it,
and you'll know there's no death and no failure..
 So accept the comings and goings of life, and flow to your
highest good with little resistance and great joy" - Stuart Wilde

In the next year i'm on this earth,
i'd really like to do some travelling.

That would be nice..

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