Friday, 18 May 2012

Ok so..


Recently i've been utilising the practice of making notes while reading or thinking about certain subjects,
then revisiting them at a later time or date an seeing what i can do with it. Sometimes just the point of having
a topic and writing about it can lead you to some new ideas or conclusions that you had not seen before,
for me personally i think is because there are so many thoughts popping into my head at any given time
when i actually start to write about something specific, it gives me time to fully concentrate on it and
slows my thought process down a little bit.
 Most days after lunch i take some time to sit on my jaes, drink some coffee and do a little reading,
people are still digesting food, waking up, so there is the *possibility* of getting some peace and quiet
before the daily bullshit comes into effect, before the screaming, swearing and stupid shit gets up
and running.
 I'll sit cross legged on my bed in some grey sweatpants, hench cup of coffee resting/staining a black
book that i use for a tray, door closed (a must), slowly reading. I have to read slowly. Yep i know.
Very funny. Every so often i'll jot some shit down, something i found interesting in the text or just
some shit completely unrelated which came into my head.
 I am aware that in my existence on this earth, i am my own worst enemy. This is nothing new.
My imagination is a motherfucker and at times does nothing but add to the overall inconvenience
and negativity of my surroundings.
 It replays old memories, rehashes unhealthy thought patterns and due to a fresh batch of photos
i was (very) kindly sent recently, photos of forgotten times, faces and places, the habitual behaviour
i have formed over a lifetime kicks into overdrive.
 After a considerable amount of retardation, a gap in the storm occured though and a thought managed
to fight its way through the bullshit to the front of my brain, making its way down to my hand,
then pen, then paper..

"Do you think you dwell on things because it will, somehow, reveal some kind of magical answer
that will relieve all traces of emotional suffering?"

I took a little time, when asked/asking myself such a blunt question,
i thought it best to give myself some space before hacking away at it..

If the answer is yes?

An i think this is most of the time,
then the following question must be,

Has this worked?

No.

No it hasn't..

If the answer is no?

Then exactly why do i repeat this behaviour is i
know it has no positive qualities or conclusions?

I don't quite know the answer to that one..

Most likely through habit,
behaviour i've been accustomed to,
something like that.

Sometimes the answers to my questions are not actually so important.

Perhaps it's not a magic answer,
some kind of cosmic quote or mantra that can transform
my way of thinking or behaviour and how i spend my time..

Perhaps it's simply the right question?

When i found myself becoming imobilised by thoughts of the past,
moments and memories that have been and gone, finished, are no longer
part of my daily existence on this earth,

 Instead of just dwelling on a known fact, hoping that some kind of answer
will appear, i can just ask myself a very simple question that brings me
back to the present and corrects my behaviour in a way that can
only lead to something productive and healthy.


"What now?"

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