I'm doing 'hard time' at the moment,
i figured spending as much of that sleeping
ain't a bad look?
If i get woken up, especifically if it could've been avoided,
i get real fuckin' pissed..
This seems to be happening more frequently,
by someone that for some god-forsake reason keeps
doing the same retarded fucking shit every fucking morning..
Scratching my face with a pencil.
Then when i wake up,
feverishly scratching my beard/nose/moustache,
he hides under the bed..
He'll do this shit for HOURS until i catch him..
Pencil in hand..
Millimertres away from my face,
with a child-like grin slapped all over
his Chevy Chase..
Either that or i'll wake up an,
sensing that something non-kosher
is about to go down,
"I KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE DOIN! FOR FUCK SAKE!"
An low an behold,
this silly motherfucker starts 'woo woo woo' an 'kee kee kee'in
from under the bed where he was waiting to do some stupid shit..
Today this was not the case..
I was woken up by one of my brothers,
who told me to get dressed an make some coffee.
So i did.
A couple minutes later,
we're breathin' clean, cold morning air..
My eyes are shocked by the brightness of
the natural light..
It's good though..
I shake off the excess coffee i spilled all over
my coffee mug, take a couple cautious sips,
an slowly start shuffling my way around the outskirts
of a big ass square with my freind..
We've walked this motherfucker in the sun, snow and rain..
Summer, autumn and winter..
points of view..
This picturesque scene comes around every month or so,
two men, from COMPLETELY opposite walks of life..
After exchanging a few mutual observations on
how beautiful it is to be up at this time of the morning,
to be able to start the day with our lungs full of fresh air
and a little sunlight, a little more coffee gets sipped,
and the conversation starts to effortlessy flow..
I try to read while in here.
Mostly self-help books.
I like to observe people,
especially their reactions and what
directs them to act in a certain way.
Looking over my own behaviour,
thoughts and the way i translate and react to situations
has been a fucking HUGE part of how i've spent the last
That and feverishly masterbating..
Huddled in the corner of a dark room, slowly squeezing
my dried up testicles until a thick dark grey mass of dead sperm
leaks out the end of my dirty dick..
But for now,
that's besides the point..
My experiences in the United States,
both in the street and behind bars, all the different people i have
met and continue to meet on a daily basis, has shaped a lot of things
for me and also raised a lot of interesting questions for me about society
and what shapes us, these questions constantly effect the way i view the
people around me, how i interact with them and also how i translate their
behaviour towards me.
"when dealing with others on any level, if you're having some difficulties,
it's extremely helpful to be able to try to put yourself in the other persons place
and see how you would react to the situation. Even if you have no common experience
or have a very different lifestyle, you can try to do this through imagination.
This technique involes the capacity to temporarily suspend insisting on your own
viewpoint but rather to look from the other person perspective, to imagine what
would be the situation if you were in his shoes, how you would deal with this" - The Dala Lama
Recently i have become fascinated with the topic of parenthood
and the effects that your upbringing has on forming you as an adult
and your outlook on the world, yourself, your surroundings and
I feel that both parents play, or are supposed to play,
vital roles in helping shape a childs value system,
self-esteem, morals, teaching them about the world.
As a parent,
just being AROUND your child can have a HUGE impact on
how it views the world and its own self-worth, how it develops
its own sets of values and principles and the profound impact
this has on a child is something that is neglected or not
focussed on enough in society.
The importance of the family unit seems to be fading,
less and less people seem to take the rask of raising their children as something
that they are supposed to do, more of an optional task with questionable importance.
As a baby you are brought into this world innoccent, gentle, you did not choose to be here,
so to have one or even both the people who made you neglect their responsibility to raise you..
And you are aware of this?
When i try to think about how that would make me feel,
if i genuinely thought my parents did not deem their offspring,
the most precious thing you can create on this earth,
worthy of their time and attention..
No child deserves to go through that.
Every human being deserves to be nurtured in a loving environment.
The world around me, it seems like the attitude of being
'out for yourself' just keeps rolling..
People are less and less obliged to take care of their children
to be the best of their ability and instead just do what's best for them
as individuals, from what i have seen over the years, from all the different
people i have met and spoken to about their upbringing, this seems very common
and generally accepted in society at the moment.
It's not the behaviour or the thinking patterns of the parents that have me most concerned,
but the effects on the child and how it inevitably shapes their future, aspirations, relationships
and ultimately how they will go on in life, treat the people around them, even raise their
own children someday..
"The formation of identity, of course, continues to develop throughout childhood and adolescents
as the child comes into contact with the world. People's sense of who they are comes about as the
result of developing internal representations, formed in large part by reflections of their early interactions
with the important people in their lives, and reflections of their role in society in general" - Howard C. Cutler
I cautiously look to my right to clock if my brother is listening..
He's looking down into his coffee cup..
Sensing that i'm getting a little worried whether to continue,
he unveils a tremendously huge yellow grin an
puts his weathered hand on my shoulder..
"Talk bro, i'm listenin'.."
I pause for a couple moments..
Perhaps in an attempt to show
he has been paying attention to the conversation,
my brother throws in his two cents..
"Teem..you know most bitches don' even breast feed their bebeez anymore? That shit
is a bonding ting b'tween modder an child, bitches be like, 'nah tha's gross!' When yor
kid grows up an punches you in the fockin' face, now you know wahy! Stupid bitch!"
In his own unique,
overly aggressive way..
He did have a point.
The bond between parent and child seems to also be
going out the fucking window too, instead of being look at as a guardian,
admired, respected, influential, the modern day parents seems
to be blurring the lines between baby-sitter and an older freind..
I went on to explain to my freind how important i see this topic and the
role of showing a young child, particularly those who do not have active
parents or siblings in their lives, that they are valued, important, show
them some kind of compassion, doing something, anything, to instil hope
and belief in their own self-worth, in turn helping to insure a positive
future for that child instead of growing up distant from the world,
with an attitude that only cultivates future children to be raised in
an environment where they have nowhere to look for a positive role
model and in turn go out into the world with a frame of mind focussed
solely on themselves..
"Anger, violence and agression certainly arise, but i think it's on a secondary
or more superficial level ; In a sense, they arise when we are frustrated in our
efforts to achieve love and affection. They are not part of our basic underlying nature" - Howard C. Cutler
I seem to have struck a chord with my brother..
He stops dead in his tracks..
Stands up straight an tilts his head to one side with a look on his
face like he just drank a cup of piss..
He leans towards me,
slowly shaking a very wrinkled finger in my face
in a very dramatic fashion..
This should be good..
"Teem, do you have any fokin' idea how much a young kid would appreciate
you spending some time wid dem? Teaching a kid how to draw, takin' them to
da fockin' movies, a kid wid no brudders, no fadder, if you did that for a kid, you have
any idea how much that sheet would mean to dem?"
He clasped both hands on his coffee cup, kisses his teeth, shook his head,
an we both resumed pacing our square in silence..
The sun is creeping through the grey sky above us..
The morning air tastes crisp and clean..
I sip my coffee,
listen to the radio and think about
what my brother had to say..