Sunday, 7 August 2011

Turkish Chops

When i first got to New York,
a contact i had in Seattle introduced me
to one of his boys in Williamsburg,

This guy basically showed me the ropes,
was someone to drink with, and in turn,
would use my accent to pick up chicks..

"Yo my boy London just got into town, you girls wanna show him
some American hospitality?"

 We had some drinks at his yard one night,
and i was blessed with the good fortune to be
introduced to his room mate.

A Girl.

A very cute girl.

She'd been to England.

As it happens,
not far from my old ends..

In no time,
i had transformed into the
mayor of Chirpsville Tennesse.

Before i ask for her number,
i'm told we have to leave..


As we breeze down the block,
dude turns to me with the Gucci face..

"Yo, i saw what was goin' on in there bro"

"I'm goin' to tell you know bro, she has oral herpes"


Didn't buy it.

Dude was blatantly cock blocking.

..still, what if mans weren't chattin' breeze?

Up until this point,
his credibility had not yet disapeared down
the shitter.

For the time being,
i took his word an put shit on the back burner..

A few months passed..

Things where going really good for me.

I was in the best shape i'd been in since i was a yout,
had a job i really enjoyed, my own yard,
i was actively painting as much as possible,
Shit was sweet as fuck!

What better what to celebrate
my life coming together than taking
a hot chick out for some drinks?

I hit her up,

She's down,

We set a date.
The plan was to link in Williamsburg
and grab a few cheap drinks at the various
dive bars dotted around the place..

Day before we're supposed to link,
she proposes we have a few 'pre-game'
drinks at her spot before we hit the town.

Sounds harmless enough?

Why the fuck not..

I finish work,
after a quick run and a shower
i throw on a new shirt, some jeans an my
still relatively fresh lookin' crepes an duss
out the door..

Bus ride later,
i'm outside girls yard.

I'm also late.

Nothing new..

I'm cotching on the stoop finishing my beer,
an girl appears at the doorway smiling..

She looks fucking amazing.

From the cute way she has done her hair,
the ridiculously buff dress she's flossin',
to the bracelets, bangles an jewellery,
girl had put the effort in.

Looking back,
to think she'd made all that
effort just for my Turkish chops..

Girl came an sat next to me on the stoop,
lit a cigarette an we talked about how both
our days had panned out, while i finished
the last of my brew.

We make our way up to her place.

Thankfully her room mate ain't in the ends tonight..

She gives me a little tour of her room,
we make our way to the living room an she grabs a
bottle off the top of the fridge..

In her soft spoken voice,
she asks me to pour us a couple drinks,
an lights a few candles..


I've always been extremely naive/stupid when it comes to
clocking when a girl is feelin' me.

For some ulta retarded reason,
i always seem to think 'they're just being nice'.
It wasn't until the following day when i
described the previous evenings fuckrie,
that my freind pointed out,

"Dude. She invited you to her place. Told you to
pour some shots, then lights some candles?
 How motherfuckin' stupid are you holmes?"

A few licks of peach brandy later,
i'm feelin' the funk an we're ready to hit the town..

Arm in arm,
we make slowly make our way a few blocks
down the road..

 I'm flossin' some fresh garms,
i've got a gorgeous chick on my arm, it's summer
and i'm in New York City..

Life was good..

We get to the joint,
grab a booth, pick up some beers, shots,
an site opposite each other.

Most of the time i'm with this girl,
our eyes are locked on one another.

I couldn't help it..

The booze was slowly starting to creep up on me..

Before i left my stinkin' Turkish shithole of a yard,
i had filled up a new bingo marker full of ink.

The more shots i punished,
the more this motherfucker was drummin'
away like i had jumanji in my pocket..

 In my slippery state,
i'm attempting to scan the bar..

Who works here..
 Who is bar staff..
Who is security..

In a few seconds,
ultra slippy, dripped out,
all too familiar letters are
regurgitated all over the table.

Girl looks at me an smiles..

"You've been wanting to do that for, like, half hour right?"

She asks if i mind her
coming to sit next to me.

No problemo.

The evening seemed to be going pretty well..

Hours pass, an i start to get thirsty for a reload.

It's girl's round,
i suggest that she grabs us a couple more
beers an shots.

She replies,

"Why don't you finish my beer first?"

"Err..nah, i'm good. I don't like that type of beer."

She looks at me sideways..

"It's the same beer you've been drinking"



What the fuck to do?

With each minute that passes,
girl is getting more and more suspicous why
i won't drink her beer..

I can't exactly blurt out "Cos i heard u got oral herpes"
and at the same time, even though he was a royal tool,
i wasn't going to throw her room mate under the bus..

The atmosphere is getting beyond uncomfortable,
an i'm running out of time to submit my poorly constructed
excuse to this increasingly upset girl,
 who by the way, just swiftly removed her hand from my leg..

*drum roll*

"I have a germ phobie. I don't drink from other people's glasses"

That was it.

That was the best i could come up with.

Did it work?

Did it fuck.

The night crashed and burned..

We didn't link up for a good few months
down the line.

The next time we did,
it was at some kind of even celebrating
a play she had put together.

I really wanted to go show
my freind some support, an i managed to drag her
Adderol laced room mate along..

We turned up very late..

Very drunk..

So much so,
i completely forgot about
our last linkadges an the
BEYOND sour ending..

So much so,
her room mate offered me his
beer to taste, most likely on purpose,
and without thinking,
i did..

In front of her.

She just looked at me sideways..

"I thought you didn't drink from other people's glasses?!"

No comments:

Post a Comment