it ain't all it's cracked up to be.
This prison bullshit.
'doing a bid'
I want you to know,
it really really fucking sucks.
Late at night,
while my cellie is snoring away like a sedated rhino,
my thoughts wander.
I can't sleep.
I stare out the window at the empty street below.
The jail is completely silent,
i feel like the only person awake for fucking miles.
I hate times like this.
There is no one around to talk to me,
make me laugh or smile, no tv or any kind of visual stimulation,
no one to help me take my mind off the obvious.
It's not a good feeling.
I've felt this way for quite a while now.
Looking out my cell window into the quiet street,
knowing that i am thousands of miles away from anyone
that gives a fuck about me, really sucks.
Not being able to sit face to face and talk to someone
i know, ask them for advice on matters as incredibly serious
as the situation i find myself in, is not easy.
It takes its toll on you, i feel weak,
like my bones have hollowed due to stress.
It's not a good feeling at all.
The rare times i get some kind of good news,
i'm not quite sure how to take it.
So much of my time is spent either praying for guidance
or for things simply not get worse, when a bit of good news
finally trickles through it isn't really good, i don't actually feel like something
positive has happened, more a brief sense of relief..
..Like some of the pressure has slightly dropped, or that
i have one less thing to worry about off the list..
I'm going to try and take my mind of things.
There isn't much food in the cell,
so i'm going to improvise.
I have crackers, some nutella. Bosh.
At the moment, i'm making notes.
A lot of notes.
Which is a first.
Most of my time in high school was spent smoking weed
and catching jokes instead of studying.
Most of my time in college was spent smoking weed
and drawing graffiti instead of doing course work.
While i was at University..
You get the picture.
Most teachers i have had in life have given
me the exact same report.
"He has great potential, but doesn't use it"
Like a moron, i thought that was a good thing.
That was my reasoning for the times
that i didn't make the effort,
the fact that i knew i had the potential,
i didn't have to use it.
"I know i have it, that's good enough"
I never put my all into school work.
Never did the best i could.
i basically didn't really give a fuck.
Things seem to have changed,
now the stakes have been so catastrophically raised..
The situation i am in now,
it isn't quite a bullshit test i need to pass or a certificate
that i can win, some kind of shitty course to graduate from.
This is my fucking life at stake.
I don't have the option to just sit around and hope for the best.
I have to do EVERYTHING in my power to fight this shit,
because if i don't, nobody will.
The consequences of failure are so serious,
i can't even consider defeat.
There won't be a second chance.
So for the first time in my life,
i'm putting the work in.
Every single part of my life at the moment, i make notes.
Then plans are put together,
lists are made, ideas are noted down,
shit is getting done.
As my cellie told me a long time ago,
"it's not the outcome that's important in life, it's the effort you put in."
..i am doing absolutely everything in my power
to fix the problems i am currently faced with in life.
If in the end i don't get the result i was hoping for,
in whatever part of my life that might be,
at least i will know that i truly did my best.
I will be able to hold my head up high knowing
i did all i could, and be at peace.