Saturday, 30 April 2011

Dumb shit

I've had stretched ears since i was in high school.

I think i was around 13 or 14 when i got them done.
My brother was the inspiration for me to get them, he had them before anyone else
so i got them, just like tattoos, his were better than most people so i got them too,
he was always the guy that i looked up to for inspiration..the div..but he's my div.

 I've had many different sets over the years,
metal rivets, neon blue, wood, ones with clubs, spades, stars,
all kinds of silly bollocks.

 I had a nice pair of wooden ones that i flossed for a good
period of time, until my Turkish masterbation fanatic landlord in
Maspeth threw them in the trash. I couldn't find them one day,
and it was beyond obvious that he was to blame..
 I found him sprawled on the couch, stoned.
Upon describing them to him, his eyes lit up and he said
he knew exactly what i was talking about..i then explained
that they were my 'ear rings', and that they were (i lied) expensive.
 The dribbling moron then turned white, lost his grasp of the English language
and denied all knowledge of ever seeing them in the apartment..


 In June 2009,
i dated a girl from Forest Hills in Queens. She was a chef at some poncy
seafood restaurant by the West side highway. I would go meet her in the
meat packing district after we had finished work.
 We would go get drunk in various majorly overpriced bars,
she'd get coked up, then we'd jump in a cab back to either my tiny Turkish yard,
or her parents ULTRA hench Home Alone sized megamansion..

..Were she would repeatedly fail to get some dick.

Don't get me wrong, she was reasonable pretty.
Big jugs. Fat ass. Big blue eyes..i definitely thought she
was worth a couple quick jabs, if i didn't i wouldn't have made
the effort to meet her in the first place! Mans approached her
in some bar off Bleeker street, and spat a load of ludicrous blams
to her in my best Prince Harry accent about how i didn't know the
area, and enquiring where she got all of her obismally bad Amy Winehouse-esque
tattoos (i don't think i worded it to her that way).

I understood that she worked in a fish restaurant. I also understood that it's hard work,
you sweat and perhaps she can't shower at work or clean up properly. After hanging with
her for a while though, on days when she DIDN'T have work, it became apparent that
this girl either had a festish for not washing, or she critically needed to see a gynacologist.

She stank.
Hence no dick.
From me anyway.

To make a long story short,
we were knocking around together for a few months, split up, i started putting
the Turkish bone on her best freind, we moved in together and eventually got married..

Before me an the chef split, she gave me a pair of white plugs to replace the
ones that my landlord has flushed down the toilet/thrown in the bin/stuck up his ass.
Up until my arrest, i was flossing them.

 Being faced with a bunch of gun clad screaming Americans who thought that my apartment
was a scene from Call of Duty=Turkops, telling me i was under arrest pointing a shotgun in my face,
my thoughts were not on my appearance at that i didn't put my plugs in before they
carted my ass of to jail..

on this rainy boring Saturday,
i got very bored. So bored infact, that
i decided to make some plugs. This wouldn't be the first time i
attempted this utterly pointless exercise..

 The last attempt involved me getting a bone from some 'fried chicken' we had
for lunch, boiling itm scraping out all the bone marrowish nastyness shit inside,
then spending hours cutting it to size with a flimsy disposable razor.
 Finally, i sanded down the edges with a nail file. Voila!

 Approximately three hours work.
Turned out the bone was too small, and they didn't fit.

 I still have them though,
they sit on my shelf as a reminder of how bored i was that day..They actually
look nothing like plugs, people routinely mistake them for some kind of voodoo dice,
like the ones King Willy was shakin' in Predator 2 before he merked..

..Todays attempt was more succesful.
I used the lids to a couple biros, cut them up,
and filed them down as i did before with the bone..

These ones fit. But i look like i have two pen lids in my ears.
I DO have two pen lids in my ears, who cares though?

My cellie.

"Kid, that ain't the look in prison. Take that dumb shit out your ears"


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