Five

It's still light outside,
but the sun is starting to go down.

I'm sat on my bed with the light off,
it's kinda dark but the hazey light
from outside has the room dimly lit up,
looks like some kind of male brothel.

Not that i'd know what a male brothel looks like,
i'm just trying to be descriptive.

Mug..

I got the door open too,
it's loud tonight, people are screaming at each other,
slamming pieces of dominoes destined to be inserted
into idiots foreskins onto the tables, all the noise is
being strung together with the air-plane like hum
of the industrial fan..

I've been up since four in the morning.

I'm really tired.

Nothing is really bothering me,
not the stupidity, the cackling of morons laughing,
idiotic slang being thrown back an forth by utter retards,
i'm not paying it no mind.

Any distractions are welcome,
they're stopping me from falling asleep,
so it's all good..

I havn't had a very productive day today.

But that's ok.

:)

It all balances itself out..

Tomorrow i'm sure i'll get back on the horse.

Reading, sketching, working out,
writing some letters, conversing with the public,
same old shit i do every day of the year in here.

But for now..

My eyes are really heavy.

They feel like they're heating up,
and my eyelids are the only thing
that'll cool them down..

Maybe i should take a shower..

That might help..

I grab a towel, a clean pair of draws,
some soap, shampoo, my grey shorts,
and with the last remaining energy in my body,
shuffle my way purely stomped feet into the shower..

Adjusting the temperature of the murky water with the
spermy handle til it's as hot as my melanin-recessive skin can take,
I just stand there for a few minutes under the shower head,
slowly blinking, until the small metal cubicle of masterbation
is full of steam..

Using a brown sock,
i smear very childlike letters all over the polished metal walls,
one after the other, until i'm surrounded by the best
moronic doodlings i have to offer the world..

A quick rub down with the soap
cleans my socks and draws, no working out today so i don't
have to go on sick mode scrubbing my shorts or any other bollocks,
with that out the way, i just relax and try to clear my head a little.

My hair is real short at the moment.

Military short.

:D

It feels good taking a shower with my hair this short,
having super hot water hitting my head like this.

I have my head down, but i'm concentrating
on what's happening outside the shower and what
the surroundings idiots are doing.

People fill up their trash cans with ice to keep sodas cool,
and they find great amusement at throwing the ice water
into the shower when someone is in there.

Dickheads..

I shake my head from side to side like a dog,
and water flies off, from left to right,
buffing all the incredible handstyles.

I take a deep breath..

In through my nose..

an out through my mouth..

Rotating my shoulders and with my head tilted back,
i twist my head and neck from side to side til they both crack,
then let the hot water hit the back of my neck as i repeatedly
crack my knuckles before shaking it off like a dick that's
just finished pissing..

After a quick scrub using my piece of floor buffer,
in between fingers an toes, behind ears, asshole,
balls, wrists, neck, fingernails, back of legs,
soles of feet..

I'm good to go..

Being the clever person i am,
i folded a clean tshirt an tucked
it under my bed yesterday.

I rolled up the sleeves too..

So now i have a tshirt that looks like it's been
stuffed under a jailhouse bed for 24 hours,
or depending which way you look at it, a tshirt
that looks like it might have been ironed.

:/

A little gel in the palm of my head,
i run my boney fingers through my hair
trying to shape it into something that
looks good.

I see a couple more grey hairs..

Funnily enough this doesn't bother me,
I actually like them.

:)

I'm clean..

Hair is done..

Fresh tshirt..

Pair of grey sweat-shorts..

Negotiators..

Time to take this shit for a spin..

I go recline by the empty computers
on some of the blue chairs..

I like just sitting and observing people,
watching their body language and trying to
figure out what they're trying to convey by the
way they're standing, how they dress, the way
they articulate themselves when speaking,
it's interesting.

For me anyway.

No chance for that shit today,
within moments i'm surrounded..

"You wana buy some stamps Timmy?"

Nope.

I really don't.

But i am very bored..

"What they sayin'?"

"Eight bucks"

"I ain't hearin' that"

"Yo CMON Timmy!! You's my man so i'm doin' you a favour!"

"How's that"

"You know they go for nine!!"

"It was my birthday..you should be GIVIN' me them stamps,
how you gonna violate me like that on my birthday.."

"CMON Timmy!!"

"Seven"

"Huh?"

"My hearin' is fucked up..I thought you said Seven. I'll take it for seven."

"My n****r!! I got peeps that would buy this shit for eight!!"

"A'ight"

"For real!!"

"If you did they'd be sold"

"DON' do me like that Timmy.."

"I ain't doin' SHIT, i'm just sayin', i got bad hearin',
an i ain't hearin' eight bucks for some stamps right now"

To be honest..

I had no intention of buying them.

I don't think he even really wanted to sell them either.

Anyways..

The day is drawing to a close..

Thanks to some birthday loot from my parents,
I got coffee shooting out my asshole at the moment,
some new kid asks if i can bust him a shot as he ain't got shit..

No problemo..

With my good deed of the day done and dust,
i make a couple of peanut butter sandwhiches,
a mug of ice coffee, put on my radio and bust my
headphones onto the one remaining good ear i got,
an kick back..

I'm surrounded by bullshit.

Papers..

Letters..

Half completed replies to letters..

Some notebooks..

PURE bullshit..

Today has not been the most productive of days.

Things like this used to annoy me.

When i would think i've wasted a day or just spend time concentrating on
little aspects that could've gone better or things i could have put more effort into,
it would piss me off, i'd get mad with myself for not doing as good as i could have.

it's a waste of time though,
it doesn't actually change anything and you don't learn anything from it either,
other than how to put yourself down which helps nobody. Concentrating on things you
could've done better, replaying things that you didn't excell at, it never puts you into a
frame of mind that will achieve any results, it doesn't put me in a better position to
do better in the future, it's pretty pointless. There's nothing to learn from it.

Planning out how you could spend tomorrow and all the things
you COULD get done, that's a different story, that you CAN turn into
productivity and a healthy point of view.

I understand that i cant spend every single day in here running around
and swinging off pullup bars, creating mass amounts of texts, creating groundbreaking
(for me) sketches that push me in different, unknown directs, it's not possible for me
to be a walking beacon of positivity every single hour of the day, bouncing around the jail
with a smile on my face helping anyone and everyone with every concievable problem
they might be facing..

It's impossible.

Things balance themselves out..

Instead of fighting to do a thousand and one things every single day,
filling every waking hour with productivity and constantly keeping my mind busy,
i'm aware that sometimes i need rest and i can't be at the top of my game every single
waking moment, if i was i'm sure sooner or later i'd implode and that would not be a
good look.

Sometimes i need rest..

Instead of concentrating on the simple fact that i did not spend the day doing anything
other than eating, sleeping, scratching, jerking, talking, typing and squeezing fecal dusted
bursts of gas out my asshole and how unproductive it was, it's better to look at tomorrow
and, if i'm blessed to actually recieve another day on this earth, how i could spend it,
who i could spend it with and what i would tell them, what i could do that would be helpful
for me and the people around me and ultimately the steps i can take that will insure when
i touch the town i do it in the best way possible..

It's all about finding balance.

At times i find it very difficult though..

I have a rather unhealthy way of thinking everything is either great or everything
is super fucked, i will either do everything i can in a day or doing nothing at all,
i'm either extremely happy or feeling like it's the end of the world, it's never in the middle,
the middle ground is where a lot of people find this balance and cope with jailtime easiest,
but to me i find this really boring and a pretty bland way to go through life,
even if it does make incarceration easier to cope with.

Living a pretty neutral life is not something that appeals to me,
stupidly enough, even if it's in my best interests and would lead to
a lot healthier existence..

At least mentally..

After a day that is spent doing absolutely fuck all,
when i lay back at night making notes, drinking coffee and
listening to whatever is playing on the radio, i get some kind
of weird satisfaction from looking back at my day of rest and
comparing it to all the things that i might be able to get done
tomorrow, i compare the little amount i did today with the
huge amount of things that i could do tomorrow, might sound
a little bugged out but it gives me some kind of excitement as
to what the next twenty four hours will bring..

And what i can do with it.