July

"Sometimes the deeper spirituality part of you, the infinite self within, protects you from disaster. You'll head off,
trying to achieve something that the inner spiritual you, the deeper subconscious self, doesn't actually want. So it will make sure you arrive too late, or the person you seek will not be there or the chek bounces. Things generally don't work"
-Stuart Wilde

Birthdays..

Anniversaries..

Holidays..

Special occasions..

I'm aware of their presence.

It doesn't do me well to think about them though.

I try to keep busy instead,hacking away at the infinite abundance of time
like it's any other day of the year, which in the bigger picture,
that's exactly what it is..

Just any other day of the year..

Nothing special it going to happen for me.

So i might aswell do the shit i normally do each day..

It will pass..

There is always SOME difficulty or discomfort,
by now that shit is expected, i'm not a fucking robot,
no matter how good my day is planned out of whatever motivational
horse shit i'm applying to the situation at hand, at some, or perhaps many
points of my day..

I will fuck up..

Thoughts of the outside world
will start to flood to my tiny brain..

If i was outside today..

-What would i be doing?

-Who would i spend it with?

-How would it feel to be back?

A little daydreaming never hurts..

Sometimes it can even lift my spirits to picture
the outside world and all the things waiting for me.

I do try to keep it short,
limit the time i spend daydreaming,
concocting all kinds of imaginery bullshit..

Otherwise when it's time to come back to the reality of my current circumstance,
when you're mentally one foot out of the door of this place, personally i find that very hard
to live with, i crave too much and can't focus on the present..

All discipline and strength begins to diminish..

I start to resemble a dog on one of them charity commercials,
watery eyes, trembling top lip, shaking, covered in shit..

An that ain't a good look in jail.