Absolute fucking dicks

I'm trying real hard to work on my diet at the moment.

They say getting your shit together is like 20 percent
working out and 80 percent diet.

The working out shit?

No problemo..

The dieting?

Different story..

I don't like listening to motherfuckers in here,
everyone thinks, despite most of 'em being PURELY tore the fuck up,
that they're experts on getting in shape but one re-occuring snippet of
verbal diarrea they all share is to be very conscious of how much
bread and rice you consume.

We get mostly fed rice.

But when there's a will there's a way!

Sooo i've bunned off rice altogether.

Apart from one day a week..

I started a new routine this week,
which is buying just enough ingredients so that on chicken day,
i can put together a super-duper meal for one
with all the trimmings.

:)

Despite the piece of bird being pathetically small,
today i decided to treat myself to my special meal..

-The bird was served with carrots,
so i saved mine to use later. I was also blessed to be given
some extra carrots from the yardman next door.

-I stripped the chicken off the bone (no homo) and put
it in some boiling water to clean off all the grease.

-For the sauce i chopped up some garlic an put it in a little bowl,
adding two packets of mayonaise, mustard, ketchup and salad dressing
plus a pack of sweetener and a genorous dash of pepper to top it all off,
the outcome is kind of close to a curry-like sauce.

I like it.

:D

-After draining most of the water from the chicken, leaving some
of in the bowl as a 'broth', i added it to the sauce. It looked a little sad
with so little bird in there, so after adding the carrots i dashed a beef
stick (think pepperami) in there too. Didn't have timte to chop it up as the
microwave was shortly gonna be switched off, so i just bit it into little pieces,
then with a mouthful of beef (no homo), spat it all into the sauce.

The important thing to remember is that i'm cooking for one.

-As the rice is pre-cooked,
all you gotta do to the motherfucker is add boiling water and let it sit,
so i put a pack of sazon seasoning for a little flavour and colour, more chopped garlic,
a 'hot n spicy vegetable' ramen soup flavouring packet,

Poured in the 190 water, stirred it up, added some packs of dried vegetables then
added it to the packet of rice and let it sit for a few minutes..

-Someone busted me some time to heat up the chicken/beef shit in the microwave,
so after two minutes of that mixture popping and simmering away, i dished it up,
cleaned all the bowls and marveled at my creation.

Timothys lunch.

:)

As it was a special occasion,
i wanted to eat it in a little privacy so took it to my room.

I sat down at the table.

A towel draped over the light,
wearing a pair of light grey xxl shorts and a freshly trimmed haircut.

I took a sup of my cup of ice water.

Closed my eyes..

Placed my right hand middle finger to my forehead,
my palm resting just in front of my fathers Turkish nose..

I try to make it a practice of praying before i eat.

Reminding myself of all the blessings i've recieved today.

All the little bits and pieces that made my meal possible.

Moments of amusement (stupidity/retardation).

Opportunities to practice patience.

People who have shown me compassion today.

Emails i recieved.

A phonecall i placed to my parents.

Conversations..

Remarks..

Greetings..

Anything and everything that contributed to
me smiling and my day being good..

Then it was time to eat.

Now..

I'm never usually one to sleep in the day,
but after my food today i was so content/bloated,
all i wanted to do was get some kip.

I had no emails,
there was some dope jazz playing on the radio,
i'm way too full to work out or do anything physically demanding,
so i thought fuck it.

Why the fuck not..

I climb onto my bed,
kick back, take my socks off,
and let my eyes ever-so-slowly start to close..

"LOOK AT THIS N****R HERE!!"

For fuck sake..

"THIS N****R THINK HE AT THE RITZ CARLTON OR SOME SHIT! COME CHECK THIS N****R!!"

And with that, all the surrounding goons an goblins appear at the door..

Pointing.

And laughing.

At me.

:/

What the fuck is wrong with me taking a nap?

Everyone's on a visit except for me,
i'm tired and there's fuck all to do.

Anyway..

Once again..

Accompanied by the sounds of a piano bustin' out some next chilled,
smoked-out jazz, my eyes grow tired and slowly start to close..

A couple minutes later i decide,
mainly for health and safety reasons,
to pry one eye open an see was'a gwarn..

PSHHHHHHHHH!!!

I almost jump off the fuckin' bed,
some FUCKING IDIOT is standing RIGHT next to the bed,
staring at me, with his eyes wide open smiling!

LOUW IT!!

"YOU FUCKIN' IDIOT!!"

He just falls out laughin.

Rolling on the floor like a moron.

"YOOO I JUST SCARED TIMDOG HALF TO DEATH!"

Everyone else is falling out laughing.

"Dun worry my n****r im'a stop fuckin' with you"

A'ight.

:/

I have absolutely no idea why,
but i just took his word and went straight
back to sleep..

I wake up some time later to see my brother
and the original laughing hyena standing next to the bed..

This doesn't look good..

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOIN!?!?!?"

Then some OTHER Spanish dude slowly appears from under the bed smiling..

This REALLY don't look good..

"YOU FUCKIN' IDIOTS!!"

I wipe my face an realise there's something sticky on my forehead..

"YOU FUCKIN' DICKS!!"

There's pink toothpaste all over my fucking face..

"You ready Dog?"

I angrily turn my head to the right,
to see my brother grinning like a motherfucker
and a hand slowly rises from beneath the bed..

It's holding a banana..

MY fucking banana..

An it's smeared in hand lotion..

"YOU FUCKING RETARDS!!!!!"

As the whole world starts falling on the floor rolling around screaming with laughter,
i snatch the banana an throw it in the idiots face..

"Dog you's a real light sleeper.."

:(

later on i learned that these idiots were messing
with me for more than ten minutes before i woke up,
first trying to paint my finger and toe nails with MY
food seasoning packs,

Then pouring jailhouse kool-aid on my lips trying to make them look pink..

Like lipstick..

Last but not least?

Arguing amongst themselves whether pulling my
draws down would be 'going too far'.