Jaes

Through an ever-shrinking supply of funding and my complete and utter
lack of being able to budget the few beans i am spotted every month,

(I'm enjoying eating food at the moment. It's fun and gets me through the day.)

I've been burning through all my loot before the end of the month and
having to go weeks on end without any means of communication or contact
with the outside world.

On a basic level,
that means no food, coffee, emails
or blams on the phone to my people.

On a broader scale,
it actually presents me with a platform to
take a step-back and evaluate what I'm doing..

"The key to serenity is not necessarily in satisfying your preferences.
Rather, it's in reducing your preferences and absolutes" - Stuart Wilde

I wasn't perfect in the town.

I made many mistakes.

I've spent a good amount of my time on this earth as a mug.

See..

Despite all of the above..

Amazingly..

A few motherfuckers are still checking for me!

Whether it be in the form of emails,
letters or the rare occasion I'm blessed to get tarted
up an rolled out on a V-I (visit)..

I believe only a fool repeats the same behavior expecting different results.

So i like to take time out during these periods of complete isolation from the outside world
to evaluate my recent behavior..

How did i react to certain situations?

Am i learning or going round in circles,
perpetuating the same retarded behavior?

When your behavior was,
or at least peoples perception or memory of you
and your actions were askin to a funked out, red,
bloated, shaking asshole thats boofed full of laxatives,
randomly shooting out streams of white hot shit into
peoples open mouths..

To STILL have a handful of these people checking for you
after a considerable amount of time away from the human realm..

It's more than a blessing..

An I'm TRYING not to royally screw that up too..

I understand that i would do well not to react off emotion
and take a little time before responding to given situations,
a lot of the time i actually get that right, but occasionally the
red-blooded, stubborn/passionate, moronic Turkish side of me
grabs the steering wheel an puts me into a fucking nosedive..

This was a problem of mine in the town.

I was very bad at just leaving things be.

Taking my time..

That's why these periods of isolation are good for me.

Before you get it fucked up,
it's NOT good for me not to have coffee, food,
phone or email access for weeks on end..

So please DO NOT translate this as me
saying i don't need no fuckin' bread, i do need bread,
i'm always broke and in need of funding to support my
eating habits..

What i AM saying is that me taking a week or so pouring
over my interactions and the way i behave..

Whether i am being a positive influence on the people who,
for whatever severely perverted reason, still derive some kind
of arousal from peering down into the pathetic cesspool that
is my current existence..

Right now it's slowly helping me move away from self-sabotage
and towards leading a more discplined life.

Or at least stopping me from ostracizing
the few people that are still checking for me.

"To understand others is to have knowledge;
To understand oneself is to be illuminated. To conquer others needs strength.
To conquer oneself is harder still." - Tao Te Ching