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It's good that as you grow up you progressively come to understand and accept your individuality. I've seen and learnt over the years the important, soul enriching parts of life cannot be rushed or sought out. They come. You do and they come. You do what you know is right for you. Everything else falls into place as and when it should. Having comfort in abilities is also key. You know deep down what you are good at and which qualities you have at your core, each pursuit that enriches your life. Follow them. Ignore external pressure to conform. There is no better feeling than following your own personal path through life and reflecting on the inevitable progress that comes with focussing on you and your own inner peace.

A better choice.

Early on into my incarceration i was still an individual who's behaviour
and reactions where highly influenced by my emotional state and i would
allow this to dictate how i interpreted the world and what was happening.

Being in a situation where you are buried up to your neck and attempting
to dig yourself out with BOTH hands tied behind your back is one that requires
a change in tactics to your usual operating system and this came in the form of
conducting myself in a manner that was very calm, emotionless, factual and almost
robotic and was shaped not only by the guidance of my big brother Sha but in the
trial and error efforts of running through five lawyers.

Initial conversing with these people was based heavily on my frustration with the situation i had ended up in but also on my rage at how little anyone seemed to be listening to me which, combined, did not form the most productive way to actually get me OUT of this mess and i noticed that the representation i had relished the reaction and were able to manipulate me and held an upper hand over me,

so over time i understood that this reactionary method was doing me no good,

my most comprehensive explanation that i would remind myself was that of being in a classroom taking a test and the likelihood of passing said test if in the emotional state of being angry or upset compared with a calm demeanour and efficient preparation..

Going from an angry young man, bearded and smelling of cigarettes, who would scream, throw paperwork, hurl insults and generally be on the constant brink of leaping over the table and strangling them with a tie to a composed, clean shaven, well groomed inmate wearing an ironed jumpsuit, glasses, sitting upright in my chair speaking in a monotone voice, responding to incorrect information with direct references to legal motions and statutory facts was something that had quite a direct effect on my representation..

One of them actually quit.

But that's not the point..

The point is that this change of getting things done and dealing with a challenging situation had a huge impact on the movement of my case, my own self of well being and feeling of power over my life, it was a radical step for me and one that no one really witnessed while i was inside apart from other inmates who just happen to be on a legal visit, their usual reaction being, when seeing me calmly breaking down an attorneys attempts at convincing me to do something that was of no benefit to me in any way shape or form and the usual conclusion of THEM now getting infuriated and storming out the room,

They respected me for how i conducted my business.

Although i am now, thankfully, not fighting any kind of legal proceedings
or having to deal with men in suits representing government bodies i think
this is an important reminder for me, of this period of my life and how i dealt
with a stressful situation that i did not like, in how i go about my dealings in
the outside world and the people i come into contact within the future..

-17th July 2014-

-14th January 2012-

-----------------
Focus.

So easy to get distracted and fall off track..

So easy to be led away from healthy thoughts..

Habits,

Conclusions and behaviors,

Remember,

It is all a game created to break you,

Control you,

This is something that you are aware of
just stick to your guns Timmyboy..

Each day it is upto you and you alone
whether you win or lose,

Not them,

Disintigrating into a state of doubt,

worry and misery is a win for the wankers..

A day spent smiling, exercising,
listening to others, making people smile,
creating, learning, being true to yourself,

Is a loss for those cunts,

They KNOW this..

You have made it this far,

Things have only got better and better,

Have faith..

Don't judge others,

particularly your attorney and *********,

and also ***** ****,

These people know NO better,

It is NOT personal..

It is not a reflection of you timothy,

please remember this..

You can only ever do what you know,
expecting people to do anything else is wrong!

You do what you know,

or you try and learn how to be better,

You!!

An as you know..

You are (despite the conspiracy law) only responsible
for yourself, so be the best you can be, then fall back,
as there's no reason to sweat after that..

It is in the hand of god,

an he is considerably more capable at making
decisions than Timothy Ozer Guvercin..

You feel me?..

 ---------------

Refreshment

It is a swelteringly hot Thursday afternoon,
crickets outside in the bushes are hissing away
like there's no tomorrow as sweat constantly runs
down my forehead,

I am pirched on a light coloured wooden stool
wearing a black pair of shorts that are covered in cat hair
and a pair of ankle length dark grey socks that are
coated with a thick layer of dust from the recent sand
storm we had a couple weeks back,

There are a few swimming pools here but i don't like to swim.

I feel stupid doing it.

Don't ask why..

As i'm writing this half of my weekly fast is almost done,
before i hop on my little japanese moped to go find some batteries
for an amplifyer that a good freind of mine from South London lent me,
 I want to share something with you..

so here goes..



Recently i managed to pick up some paperwork that i had
sent back before i left my prison in Manhattan and stumbled
upon a few choice words that struck a chord.





---------

YOUR PRIORITIES

1 - Keeping calm, patient and professional
when dealing with your case

2 - Workout out, watching your diet,
getting rid of your belly

3 - Creating, writing in your books,
drawing, expanding your talents

4 - Mentally evolving,
becoming a better person,
learning, listening to others,
meditating, sharpening your
concentration

5 - Staying true to yourself,
having strength in your convictions

That is all.

------

Mal Negocio

High up in the Pennsylvania mountains,
nestled in between a scarcely populated mostly racist Caucasian community,
at the end of a winding, privately owned road framed with friendly looking trees
lays the Moshannon Valley Correctional facility..

Inside two high fences packed to the top
with thick coils of razor wire and bird feathers
is just under two thousand prisoners from every
corner of the globe,

from your average piss poor drug runner without a pot
to piss in or a window to throw it at to Columbian dealers worth
literally hundreds of millions of dollars to elderly men that got caught
sneaking across the desert border to be with their wives and children,

You can see individuals that are happy to work for 7 cents an hour
in their mandatory kitchen employment, silver haired Cuban's that
lose thousands of dollars in REAL money every week in one of the
many prison casino's,

this is a place like no other,

A hill top brimming with human beings that have been incarcerated
en masse, costing the American tax payer fifty thousand dollars a year
for each prisoner, who will never actually have a chance to step on American
soil after they have served their time nor will be in any way shape or form
rehabilitated due to being held in a private prison..

Private prison?

A prison run by a company..

Not the government..

A prison that is run for profit..

Rumor has it this company was started by three investors..

-An Attorney

-A Judge

-A Prosecutor

Now.

Tell me if i'm bugging out..

But could it not be a conflict of interests?

-Your job is to defend people facing deportation,
you get paid by the people you are supposed to be
fighting and have taken an oath to be loyal to them..

-Your job is to decide whether an individual should be sent
to prison, how long and also whether they have been
wrongfully convicted..

-Your job is to build/fabricate a case with the intention
of giving someone as much time in prison as possible on
the behalf of the United States of America..

And you choose to invest in an company that confines
convicted felon's, for profit, that coincidently has an
exclusive contract with the American government who
is ALSO your official employer?

Perhaps i am bugging out..

Affirmation

“A fight is going on inside me," said an old man to his son. "It is a terrible fight between two wolves. One wolf is evil. He is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other wolf is good. he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you." The son thought about it for a minute and then asked, "Which wolf will win?" The old man replied simply, "The one you feed.” - Wendy Mass

-Paisano-

Workout Music

peace

What's up..

It's taken me a while to get myself together
since i've been out.

I assumed the adjustment period would comprise
of getting used to metal utensils, the absence of an
underlying threat of being sent to solitary confinement
for standing too close to a woman, not having to use
two batteries and a snapped razor to light a cigarette,
being able to lock a door, use fire to cook food instead
of radioactive microwaves, being around animals and
small children,

But it's been a little bit more than that..

Adjusting to my own changes and how they
correlate with the outside world has been a huge task.

Although I don't see myself as being damaged from what
i've been through it has undoubtedly changed my perception
of people and this has caused many issues since i've been out.

Once again i am in a completely new environment,

weighing up what i can and can't control,

what is best for me,

how i can go about putting these things
into practice in the present moment,

Life can be as hard or as easy as i want it to be.

The same applies to you.

The parable of the prodigal son

There was a man who had two sons..

The younger one said to his father, 

"Father, give me my share of the estate" 

So he divided his property between them..
 
Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, 
set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living.  

  After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, 
and he began to be in need.  So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, 
who sent him to his fields to feed pigs.  He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.
 
When he came to his senses, he said, 

"How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you.  I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ So he got up and went to his father.

But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

But the father said to his servants, 

"Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger
and sandals on his feet"

^"Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate^."

  


^" For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found."

So they began to celebrate..
 
Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. 

When he came near the house he heard music and dancing, 
so he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on,

"Your brother has come" he replied, 

"and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound."

The older brother became angry and refused to go in, 
so his father went out and pleaded with him but he answered his father, 

"Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!"

“‘My son, you are always with me, and everything I have is yours.  But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost
and is found.’”

via HURTYOUBAD

--The beginning--‏

The sharp metallic hands on my white-faced wrist watch have just passed midnight.

I'm resting my back on a large striped cushion squinting into an endless black mass of rippling water with a real cigarette drooping out the left side of my mouth swirling a small glass of scotch in my hand..

There are no artificial flood lights illuminating my living quarters,

only a dim white beam of light coming directly down from a full moon, giving me just enough clarity to make out the tiny little carvings of people's names, fishes, diamonds and references to my incarceration that are scattered across a long wooden table..

It is a little bit cold.

I have a nice jacket that one of my freinds in Greece sent me
draped across the chair next to me but i'll be okay for now..

As soon as i spark this lighter up i'll probably forget about the cold..

....

It's taken me a while to put these words together.

I've been unsure of where to start..

In fact i'm STILL unsure of where to start..

Don't worry.

 

 It will come to me..

Give me a minute

Wisdom of Life

"The wise man will, above all, strive after freedom from pain and annoyance,
quiet and leisure, consequently a tranquil, modest life, with as few encounters
as may be; and so, after a little experience of his so-called fellowmen,
he will elect to live in retirement, or even, if he is a man of great intellect,
in solitude.

 For the more a man has in himself, the less he will want from other people-
the less, indeed, other people can be to him. This is why a high degree of intellect
tends to make a man unsocial. True, if  quality of intellect could be made up for by quantity,
it might be worth while to live even in the great world; but unfortunately,
a hundred fools together will not make one wise man."

 -Arthur Schopenhauer

1339 Days

"In times, long past "myself" was said to be a certain person.

But now, on the contrary, I believe that person was someone else.

Thus, i don't know - the person i am today i may consider to be someone else in the future."

- Yao Fu

Plane clothes

Black history month

Rastafari togetherness - invite all on March 7 big chapel to celebrate black history

No mas

Pushing paperwork

Like a sailor

I got work in the morning..

Just finished ironing my kitchen whites..

I find it very relaxing ironing my clothes the night before work.

I dont really know what I’m doing and take way too long but if I dont try I will never learn..

There are around seventy prisoners in my unit and they like to constantly make noise, whether it’s shouting at each other across the table, whistling or swearing at women on the telly, from nine in the morning to eleven at night there is a wave of noise that rises and falls depending on whats on the spanish tv. Around seven things die down a bit and because of this, I do my ironing..

Try to do my ironing..

As this is prison the bloody thing is chained to the wall and as the chain is very small things are not ideal, but I do my best,

More often than not the bastard got no water in it and untold burnt plastic on the bottom,

but again,

I try to make it work..

Why go through all this effort sweating it out under the spanish tv, trying to ignore the thunderous applause each time a chick with a dick is on caso cerado?

Even though im burning holes in paper thin bootleg tshirts that turn yellow after one wash, it’s still nice to take some time out to try do something that will make me feel good.

Same reason I get a haircut every two weeks and occasionaly cook up some bull shit with my Russian friend..

It’s cool though.

Spending time on my own, thinking about how I used to stuff my clothes under my mattress to iron them!

That was some bullshit!

Especially considering the mattress in MCC were about a thousand years old with bare dusty knives hidden inside them! 

Real talk!

One freind of mine from Newburgh found a big bone crusher banger in his bed,

got rid of it and the mattress,

then found some hench knitting needle of a knife in his next one!

Well..

To be fair..

Considering each time this guy found a banger in his bed his cellie was not shocked in any way shape or form there was a bit more to the story than just a magic mattress..

But still..

That I am in a position where I do not have to stuff my sunday best under a soiled mattress to poorly imitate the appearance of ironed clothing is a step in the right direction..

Pretending to read

- The individual who explores his psyche can, and should, be committed to and guided by his god as well as continuing his active role in the physical world.

- Individual conscious

- Personal consciousness

- Collective unconscious

- Intimate contact with the material world

- Intimate contact with the spirit

- Conscience of the presence of divinity

- Psyche
  Spirit
  Divine source

- Metaphysical structure

- Three degrees

- Faith for the apprentice who is ignorant of the nature of the thing to which he aspires

- Hope for the fellow craft who can glimpse enough of the nature of the goal to cause him to yearn for it

- Charity for the master who has achieved his goal and is able to nurture those junior to him

- By extending one’s awareness, one has the capacity to be conscious of the presence of the deity itself

- If one makes a real effort to understand one’s self, one’s motivations and one’s behaviour, the deity (or its agents) will provide the experiences which will facilitate that learning

- Observe what is happening in life, interpret it in the context of symbolism, learn from the experience

Notes in February

It’s about nine oclock on a Friday night, they are giving out the clean laundry by the door but my bunkie is picking mine up for me,

Timothy is sat on his bunk on this valentines day, surrounded by papers, sweatpants and my jean jacket that i use for a blanket,

flicking through book pages for references and occassionaly glancing up at the spanish telly..

I got work in the morning and as i slept two hours last night it's best if i try get some kip soon..

I'm wondering,

I've gone through my adult life with an idea of what i want to do,
a vague collection of interests woven together in a picturesque circumstance that, as i have not been able to put together, perhaps i'd be better off scrapping?

Not in a defeatist way but more, i guess, i keep thinking of my old bunkies expression,

that repeating the same thing expecting different results is crazy?

Now i'm not exactly planning on a repetition of my previous day to day hustle, but perhaps scrapping what i thought i wanted for most my adult life is good for me,

opening the horizons, 

less limitating?

I'm not going to be denying myself things i am passionate about,

it's more about breaking down the initial mental picture ive had of what i perceive an ideal life to be,
taking the core principles behind it and applying it to alternative, more obtainable and realistic circumstances...

This is where i'm at right now..

Staying up

90 days left

After a long break I’ve started to fast again, my new routine is fasting from breakfast on Thursday morning to the following breakfast on Friday,

I work on Fridays in the kitchen, but it’s nice to take some time out during the week to clear my head.

I am just about on the point of having ninety days left until my release date and at times anxiety can get the best of me,

not paying attention to the constant stupidity and ignorance around me can also be hard,

But I’m doing good.

There have been a few incidents recently that I am proud of..

Anyone or most people who knew me prior to my incarceration may remember my wreckless approach to voicing my opinion particularly to a polar opposite opinuated individual,

I would get into massive arguments with people and needlessly lecture long after it was established that both parties viewpoints were not wavering,

emotion would take over from logic,

energy and time needlessly wasted,

with an outcome of frustration and annoyance for everyone involved..

The specifics of what occurred recently need not be shared as, if you are someone I know or identify with or hold similar views to,

whatever it is that was said to me that I found offencive will probably annoy you too which makes it pointless,

if I give a fuck about your wellbeing, sharing it with you..

Just take my word that they were very poisonous and ignorant comments that were said to me under the assumption that, due to my light complexion, I would agree with..

This is nothing new to me pre or post arrest but my reaction, in hindsight, was definitely something for me to ruminate over and worthy of a little contemplation..

I didn’t get mad and raise my voice nor argue why the comments muttered were wrong..

Instead I calmly explained my opinion and why I felt differently, then kept it pushing..

No need for emotional input or aggressive reaction!

It only serves as validation to the ignorant..

A few calm words breaking down your opposing opinion must be more productive than a lot of angry ones attacking someone elses, right?

It seems that way to me..

At least NOWdays..

Every week or so I have been exchanging books with my friend Voodoo.

First he gave me a book on the Knights Templar and in exchange I lent him a piece of text about the Shifting Models of Existence,

Earlier this week though I leant him a book on Enoch the Ethiopian prophet and his transofrmation into the archangel Metatron and Voodoo lent me,

"The Unencumered Spirit-Reflectations of a Chinese sage"

It is a book of ancient Chinese proverbs that I highly recommend giving a read..

Reading this today made me smile..

"When attacking someones faults, do not be too severe, 

you need to consider how well he will weather what he hears. 

When teaching someone by showing them what is good, 

do not pass certain heights,

but hit upon what he should be able to follow"

-Hung Ying-Ming

Knights of Camelot

Sunday Service

Life is good.