Anmak

I’m trying something a little different.

Things such as this, usually start from a hand written page.

When I physically write something, 

it slows my thought process down,

so I am able to deal with one subject at a time.

However..

On this day grey, gloomy day..

I am taking a different approach.

Which more often than not.. 

Will yield a different result.

The season has changed.

In fact..

 

A lot of things have actually changed..

 

Awakening to the early morning Mediterranean sun crawling through my doorway is very much a thing of the past.

In its place..

 

The soft pitter-patter of salty Aegean raindrops now tap away at the guano that sporadically peppers my dirty, tiled, balcony floor.

 

For some reason, I’m still sleeping with the door open.

 

I’m not quite sure why.

 

Perhaps it's nostalgia..

 

I imagine that there may be a shared sense of disbelief, or perhaps even relief, that we are all on the cusp of another new year.

 

Is it ageing?

Accelerating the passing of each year?

 

I imagine so.

 

Regardless, at the end of each year, I have somewhat of a ritual.

 

I take some time, whether it is just before, on or after the New Year, to review the past 365 days, what I did, what it contained and who it was with. 

For better or worse.

 

It is an opportunity for me to look through all of my photos, videos and various items that I have accumulated and collected over the year, so I can see, now it has come to an end, how I feel about them and what they finally represent to me.

 

 

When life is actually happening, it's hard for me to always be fully present or conscious of its importance and how much it means.

I do try..

 

But I’m also doing. 

 

Rolling with the never ending combination of punches and playing the various cards that I am dealt along the way. 

 

Sometimes I win..

 

Sometimes I lose..

 

However it's an enjoyable process to go back and reassess it at a later date. To see how I feel. To note what has changed. Take it in for what it was how it pushed me further down the river to where I am now.

It's a very cathartic experience..

 

When I am reliant on memories alone, things can often become a little distorted. 

 

Left to my one's own devices, it's not uncommon to conjure your own version of events, a more palatable, acceptable narrative of your life.

However it can also go both ways..

When life has not gone as we had hoped, a default option is to sabotage genuinely precious moment, tainted it with the forever unhelpful addition of hindsight..

Memories can.. 

And rather often..

Become fictionalised.

Romanticised..

Even demonised..

I quite often can fiddle around with the settings, blasting the saturation, contrast and sharpness of a particular event until it is picturesque enough for me to deal with it.

Which..

In hindsight..

Is not actually reality.

Which removes the opportunity of learning, taking things in for what they were and valuing the people and experiences that have shaped your life up until now.

So with that being said..

This is why I am, yes quite a long time before new years eve looking back on this year and where I was,  what I did and whom I did it with..

 

This is my second chance to definitively appreciate all that has happened, the times I shared with people, what we did and thatI simply had the opportunity, no, the pleasure, of experiencing any of it in the first place.

Which is all I really want out of life.

 

So if you were there..

In any way shape or form.. 

 

I appreciate it.