finishing a 24 hour fast..

"If you're solid, well defined, and in emotional control - with a good sense of your
infinite self - you have a confidence that brings a solidity to your energy, as distinct
from the chaotic pattern that is normally projected. Your defense lies in consolidation
and silent strength. And in being disciplined and well contained." - Stuart Wilde

When I'm under stress..

It's not down to the specifics of the situation
at hand nor a lack of an answer..

It's lack of focus.

Like most people,
the majority of questions i ask in life,
i already know the answer to..

I'm at the point where i KNOW,
as long as i maintain, practice discipline
and remember to stay focused..

I can deal with any situation in life.

I see this human experience as being divided
into two parts and understanding this is what
helps me cope with life.

It's like two halves put together.

Our soul which comes from spirit,
coupled with the human bodies that is organic.

Similar to the concept of a 'ghost in the machine',
our body being the machine that we use to experience
this vibrational frequency and our body being the
'ghost entity' that controls or inhabits the machine.

I understand that a lot of life's problems are down to
these two different components wanting very different
things and both going through some kind of power struggle
in order to satisfy each part.

The spirit is yearning for a higher experience of conscious level,
which comes from its source being of a higher intelligence.

The earthly body it inhibits is craving for
earthly pleasures and sensory experiences.

Hence struggling to focus on one or the other
and it leading to problems..

When my focus and discipline is strong,
and i do this by fasting and other things that
take my focus off of physical amenities,
i can view my own existence in very simple
terms and break down any perceived 'problems'
with relative ease..

However..

If i lose focus..

And more precisely, let ego get involved,
a fairly simple set of circumstances, one that i can view
and dissect to a point that it has a clear cut outcome,
turns into a clouded personal affair..

Emotion and visual instability are brought to the table.

My ego turns it into some kind of personal issue
that warrants emotional investment in order to not only
resolve the issue but it makes the driving factor in whether
it has been resolved or not..

Whether my ego is pleased with the outcome.

Ego instructs me that if the outcome is NOT in my favor,
some kind of intolerable injustice has been served to me.

Or even..

To 'us'..

:/

A willingness to let go of personal involvement in
communications and the resolution of jail-house disputes
and general relationship maintainment while in here..

Understanding the destructive practice of feeding and being
dependant on the insatiable satisfaction of my ego..

These have helped a lot.

:)

NOT diminishing the value of others opinions or blanketing
my thoughts or opinions as inferior just to sooth a dispute..

Nope.

It's understanding the long term outcome on both parties when
getting into a dispute with someone, whatever the topic might be,
what outcome will actually be better for the two of us and how
my behavior when interacting with people effects my long term
peace of mind..

"Your best defense is to have little critisism and judgement of others ; and no rancor,
hatred or animosity. The best defense is to have nothing to defend. The more you're not
locked into reality via critisism and definition, the more opaque you become" - Stuart Wilde

The official historian of the Zulu nation

"Life can take many forms. Look at the forms life can take on this planet alone.
Here in this bush, there are insects you could easily mistake for rocks or for pieces
of bark - until one of them stings you, that is. Life does not have to consist of bipeds
who move and breath and smoke cigars as we go. I have said it before and I say it again,
the universe is a gigantic chamber of possibility where everything has the chance and the
right to happen, and so we must not have cut-and-dry theories regarding just how life
should look." - Credo Muttwa

Garbage man

In front of me is an envelope.

Inside it is many thumbnails from my time in the town..

Let's have a quick butchers inside!!

JOY!!

It's Lardy McFatso!!

:D

What else we got up in this motherfucker..

:(

Time to put the photos away..

I been getting my affairs in order today.

Sorted through a SHIT load of old emails and letters,
organising them so they can be sent back to England at some point..

When i empted the trash..

I made sure to pour a carton of purely cheesed out milk on top.

:)

"YO! YO! What the FUCK you doin'!!"

The garbage was not this mans concern.

"YO! My n****r! You buggin'!!"

I was not 'bugging'.

"Do you take out the garbage??"

He doesn't.

"Yeah!!"

:/

"Yeah i do!!"

He really doesn't.

"Why you fuckin' up the trash!?"

I stood.

Motionless.

Eyes half closed..

With an expression of purely unimpressedness..

"What? WHAT!?"

I raised an eyebrow..

"WHAT I DO!?"

Pointing at his chest..

Still silent..

I slowly moved my aim to his face..

"Now i know what you're capable of son."

He knew the spot was blown..

"TIMDOG!! You KNOWS You's my favorite White boy!!"

"Nah i ain't hearin' that shit.."

"Oh WORD!?"

Yes 'word'..

"You just looked me dead in the face,
in front of all these motherfuckers, an lied your ass off!!"

"My n****r!?"

"Nah man..(get the) FUCK outta here.."

It's now one in the morning..

I'm laying on my side staring at the wall,
with a brain full of caffeine and repetitive,
annoying questions..

It's kinda hard to grab your nuts,
puff your chest out an floss the Billy Big Balls act
at this time of the night in here.

:/

I was in a RIGHT funk earlier after eye-balling them photos..

There's a part of me..

Well..

I still feel like i shouldn't have had to deal with all this on my own.

Real talk.

Then again..

How much better off would i have actually been?

What would i have spent the last two years doing instead?

Would i have achieved the same amount of shit?

For some reason i am reluctant to answer these questions.

......

I turn onto my back..

The ceiling is covered with bits of advide and quotis i find helpful..

Let's see..


Determination            Secrets
Effort               <----     Of
Time                        Happyness


An just below that..


Ignorance               Roots
Craving         <----    Of
Hatred                  Suffering


Interesting..

What IS the specific meaning of ignorance?

To be ignorant?

:/

According to me..

Refusing to accept the very real possibility
that you could be wrong about something.

:(

Hmm..

According to the Merriam-Webster Picture Thesaurus..

IGNORANCE

-The state of being unaware of uninformed.

Ok..

I can go for that!!

:D

There's more..

RELATED WORDS

-Brainlessness

-Dumbness

-Idiocy

-Imbecility

-Stupidity

-Foolishness

-Mindlessness

:(

FUCK this bullshit..

I'm goin' the FUCK to sleep..

The shirt was scarlet. Fuck outta hear.

It's a Thursday afternoon in this motherfucker..

On visit day people get their chicks to stand outside before the V-I
so other motherfuckers can check 'em out..

Or so they can boast to dudes that ain't got no females checkin' for 'em..

I ain't hating..

I done it too!!

:D

Shit gets crazy though..

Pregnant ladies standing out there in the wind an shit,
carting a push-chair with a little one in there and four kids running around..

Waving..

Little kids holding up signs..

"WE MISS YOU DADDY XXXX"

Waving tiny little hands,
while mommy points out what
cell their daddy is being held in..

Sucks to see that shit..

:/

On a lighter note..

Some dude just skanked down the road wearing rouge trousers
an what looked like camel slip-ons..

Joker!!

:D

I see some bald dude coming out of court..

Man's wearing a pink shirt..

I know..

"Only a REAL man wears pink"

I hear all that..

"You have to be comfortable in your own sexuality to wear pink"

I hear that too..

Still..

I ain't wearing anything pink.

Nope.

:/

Swiftly moving on..

I think im'a get back on my cardio bullshit tonight!!

I'm certainly not getting a visit.

As we didn't get no bird today,
i ain't doin' any remixing or cooking either.

So why not suit up?

Go do an hour or two on the stepmachine?

When i say suit up..

I'm not talking about my brown Power Ranger suit..

-Thermal long sleeve

-Sleeveless sweatshirt

-Thermal long johns

-Shorts

THIS shit makes you sweat like a MOTHER fucker!!

Apparently..

This is supposed to help you get your body fat down.

After doing this for an hour and a half..

According to the machine..

You burn about 1200 calories and knock out 400 plus floors.

Apparently..

If you're reading this and you know something about getting in shape,
please bare in mind that i don't and i mostly do this as it keeps me busy,
so i'd appreciate it if you don't piss on my parade please!!

:D

It's not only for getting in shape though..

After doing all that dumb shit,
cleaning the machine, showering,
washing my clothes, drying them out
and making a cup of coffee..

I'm so tired all i want to do is rest..

No thinking..

No stressing..

It's good for me.

But back to the present..

:)

Let's have another look out the window..

I just seen a grown man walking out the court house wearing a white fedora.

With a feather in it.

:/

Dog look at this nasty freak

I'm slumped over a table,
one arm stretched out cradling my head,
an i'm listening to some serious shit..

Suprisingly..

I'm not in the best of moods right now..

I've eaten a lot of bullshit today,
an i don't feel like working out tonight..

Ok.

I am no longer alone!!

My chipped tooth nieghbour has joined me,
sat opposite, with a big smirk on his face an
a copy of the Daily News..

This should be good.

I actually met this dude the day i was knocked,
we was in a holding pen together before getting
put in solitary.

He's ok.

We've had a few ups an downs over the past two years..

:/

But it's all good.

"Yo!"

"What up"

"YO!! I didn't know that big n****r from Green Mile was dead!!"

"Yeah mang.."

"THAT shit fucked UP!!

"Yehh mang.."

:D

"Time for them CRACKERS to start dyin'!! Right Timdog?"

:/

An with that..

I'm off to go work out..

Shit was good!

According to the 'Stepmaster ISC Track Climbing System'..

Apparently i did 1000 calories and climbed 360 stories..

Which isn't bad!!

Especially as i did it listening to a mix of Two Chains,
Mob Deep and Weezer..

:)

I feel a hell of a lot better now too.

At least i did a couple productive things today!!

I got an important letter put in the mail..

Helped someone put together a kit for their chick..

Arranged to get my haircut tomorrow..

I'm hoping to get a V-I next week,
an old freind of mine who's in the city might come
pay me a visit for an hour or too..

Oh..

I put some thankyou letters and sketches together
for people that have already sent in character references!!

Thankyou for your support!!

So yeah..

I'm done for the day.

Time to lay back and admire the fresh additions to the ceiling..

One printout..

One cutout..

Brightens things up a bit.

Reminds me of what's poppin' outside..

Or at the least is a reminder that life goes on,
things change and that i would be wise to concentrate
on all the new experiences i have to look forward to in life,
instead of dwelling in memories of the past..

"Timdog, my n****r, if you fall, fall on your back..:

:)

"If you can look up, you can get up!!"

"You hear me dog?"

:D

My camo come from True Religion

One thing I'm clinging onto at the moment is movement.

Change..

To be more precise.

Obviously I'd love to be sent home,
but if that does not happen, an there's a healthy chance it won't,
at the very least i will get some movement in my life and finally
leave this place..

I know it's not much..

But it's SOME thing to look forward to!!

You get me!!

Sometime in the next few months i will be starting
a new chapter in my life, as I'm not quite sure what that
will involve, it makes sense to at least mentally prepare for
such a drastic change of circumstances..

Remember..

I have not left this building in twenty four months.

Even the thought of riding in a car is exciting for me..

:(

I wish i was joking but it's true.

It will most certainly involve a pair of handcuffs,
TWO pairs of handcuffs actually (one for legs) and shackles,
but just to get a glimpse of the outside world..

People..

REAL people..

Doing normal things..

I'm going to really enjoy it.

:)

Obviously i would enjoy it a SHIT load more if
this was on the way to the immigration prison I'll be
sent to after i finish my sentence to await deportation..

:/

Shit..

Life doesn't always work out the way you want it to.

You have to make the most out of whatever is handed your way though!!

Appreciate the little things..

Take time to acknowledge what you DO have, instead of just focusing on what you want..

Otherwise when you finally get your hands on the things you desire,
it won't be good enough, you'll just move onto something else,
always pining for something out of reach..

I could spend all day thinking about coming home.

Where i would go..

Who i would see..

What we would do together..

I have to snap out of this type of thinking though,
otherwise i lose focus on now..

Today..

My appreciation for the present and all the things
i AM blessed to have starts to diminish..

"..Being content with what you are, with who you are, and with what you have now. It's knowing
that abundance, and experiences and relationships of real worth, come only when and if you are settled.
 When you're balanced, the universe provides.." -Stuart Wilde

I've been fasting on and off for the last month or so.

Today i completed my SECOND twenty four hour fast!!

What made it extra special/difficult is that today was chicken day..

That might sound incredibly retarded,
but chicken is an EXTREMELY rare and valuable item in the prison system,
the market price has dropped somewhat but you can still flog a piece of bird
for a couple tunas..

NO problem..

So the fact that i passed on my bird today was a hot topic of discussion..

I didn't put it on the market either..

To his delight..

I gave it to my brother instead.

"MA N****R!! TELL EM TIMDOG!! BROOKLYN WE GO HARD! WE GO HARD!"

:)

I don't do it for religious reasons..

It helps me focus and work on my discipline.

When I'm fasting i feel a lot more in control of hour i behave..

What comes out of my mouth..

I feel like i notice my behavior and the people
around me's reactions a lot more and just generally
have a better understanding of what is happening
around me..

I guess taking the focus off eating gives your brain breathing space to do other things..

Your body is hungry and it's telling your brain,
but your will-power is over-riding these signals,
letting your body know who is in control,
in turn letting your brain focus on other things..

That's how i like to think about fasting..

:D

It's like training..

I don't know what is going to happen in the next few months..

I don't know know exactly where i will be next year or even what COUNTRY i will be in..

:/

It makes sense to prepare though.

One of the ways i do this is trying to improve what i have
and try to function a bit more productively..

So that when i inevitably start this next chapter in my life..

Whatever comes my way..

I'll not only be prepared for it..

I'll make the most out of it.

:)

"..Be the silent, controlled person who's moving relentlessly towards
freedom and away from restriction - towards your goals, one step at a time,
in an organized, patient way.." - Stuart Wilde

**PLEASE REPOST**

On August 16th 2012
Timothy Ozer Guvercin (that would be me) plead guilty
to one count of conspiracy to commit bank fraud
and one count of aggravated identity theft.

Under the Federal sentencing guidelines,
that leaves me with a 'recommended guideline range'
of 37-41 months plus a mandatory two years for the
aggravated identity theft charge.

I should be getting sentenced in the next 90 days or so,
and am now in the process of collecting character references.

I could be sentenced to anywhere between time served and
seven years so character references will play a BIG part in
whatever sentence i am given.

If you are a friend of mine, someone i have spent time with
or you have simply been following my story over the past two
years and found something positive or inspiring in my words,
please, it would mean the world to me if you took the time to
write a letter to the address below,

saying a little bit about yourself, what type of person you think i am
and why further incarceration for me is not necessary.

I'm getting sentenced around November so you
have up until the beginning of November to send them in..

Each and every letter will make a difference,
and i want you to know your support and prayers
are more than appreciated!!

Timothy Ozer Guvercin

x

The Honorable Judge Sweet
500 Pearl Street
New York, NY
10007
USA