"Behold in the candle born by this Chandler, to whom i give birth, that which shall clarify certain shadows of ideas..I need not instruct you of my belief. Time guves all and takes all away; everything changes but nothing perishes. one only is immutable, eternal and ever endures, one and the same with itself. With this philosophy my spirit grows, my mind expands. Whereof, however obscure the night may be, i await the daybreal, and they who dwell in day look for night...Rejoice therefore, and keep whole, if you can, and return love for love" - Giordano Bruno 1582
Due to a rather overzealous inspection this morning i have
had to take down all the letters and postcards sent to me
over the Christmas period.
I know that it is almost March..
But that's not the point..
-Katie
-Katherine
-Marilyn Dorreen Julie Debra and Lindsay from Prisoners Abroad
-Maureen and John
-Chris K.
-Mum and dad
-Jennifer
-Alex N.
-Sam
-Lisa and Rob
-Pete in Australia
-Gabrielle
-Soke Two
-Marcy from Prisoner Visitation and Support
-Paul Angeles
-Denny
Thankyou for taking the time to write to me.
:D
Whether it was a Christmas card that was originally intended
for an elderly grandmother, a re-print of a Ohara Koson painting
or a very impressive watercolour painting printed onto a card,
Know that whatever you DID send actually made
it's way to New York City.
After shifting through MANY devious pair of hands it finally
made it's way to me and your shit has sat above the light in
my table for the last couple of months..
Thank you to everyone who has bought a t-shirt recently
as it was very kind of you to show your support like that,
they actually sold out in a couple of days so a second run
has been printed up if you didn't manage to get one the
first time around..
I've got about two weeks until my sentencing date and as far
as i know all necessary paperwork has been submitted..
People have been very helpful recently in keeping my mind occupied..
-Letters with nice photos
-Emails giving me a heads up of what's happening outside at the moment
"If we feel ourselves to be insignificant, powerless and ordinary that will reflect in the five-sense mirror as a life experience that is without power. We will be just another sheep in the pen considered by ourselves and others to be insignificant and expendable. In truth we are none of those things. We are genius incarnate, infinity incarnate, if we choose to be. But when our isolated, disconnected, droplet of consciousness is programmed to *believe* that negative version of ourselves, we reflect that state of being into the five-sense mirror and "live" that imagination of ourselves, that reality."
"Once you reconnect to the infinite ocean you begin to understand that nothing and no one is powerless, ordinary or insignificant. To claim so is to say that divine infinity is all of these things. You start to realize that if we change our imagination of ourselves we can live our lives as the incarnate ocean and not as a disconnected droplet; as infinity and not only as far as our eyes can see. Then we can tap into and express the full magnitude of who we really are" - David Icke
"We don't live in a "world" at all. We live in a frequency range, the one that our five senses can access and perceive, and the five-sense range of perception is tiny. "Heaven" is not in the sky. The sky is the sky. Infinity consists of infinite frequencies sharing the same space in the same way as all the radio and television frequencies broadcasting to your area now are sharing the same space that your body is occupying. Those broadcast frequencies are not just around your body, they are sharing the same space. They can do this because they are operating on a different frequency range or wavelength to your body and to each other. Only when the frequencies are really close do we get "interference", otherwise all are oblivious to each other's existence because they literally operate in different frequencies, different "realities" or different "worlds"." - David Icke
What could someone POSSIBLY tell you (me) that would alleviate your (my) problems?
:/
Does it really help smearing some next nutty dog shit
that's on (my) your trainers onto the next man?
:(
If tell ten people about the seemingly RIDICULOUS issues
I'm having to deal with at the moment..
Will i actually feel any better?
If my situation is genuinely as bad as i think it is,
by telling someone that cares about me and wants the best for me,
how is it going to effect their quality of life by telling them all about
the mountain of bullshit that I'm having to juggle with at the moment?
Will they feel good knowing about this?
Not likely..
If they could actually help it would be one thing,
but at they can't then I'm just spreading negative energy
around and to be real people might listen to that bullshit
at first but after a while motherfuckers don't wanna hear
that monkey shit no more.
Even in the WORST case scenario..
At the very least i know i have my family
and friends backing me and showing me support.
Shit man..
My life..
Fuck..
It hasn't exactly gone to plan i must say.
Not that there ever WAS a fucking plan..
But you get what i mean..
Day to day.
That's the only way to take it..
I'm well and truly DONE telling myself
how 'this isn't permanent' and 'one day' and all
the rest of that dumb shit I've been repeating
for the last god knows how much months and years..
If i keep telling myself this shit then it's almost as if
I'm mentally reinforcing the idea that I'm in need of
comforting and that my life is a struggle.
Which isn't good.
That's not actually going to help!!
I tell you what though..
I imagine..
IMAGINE..
That when you're stressed, you could use a pipe that,
if running along the ceiling of your room, could be used
to do sets of ten pull-ups..
I never have never done this or witnessed anyone doing so..
But I imagine that when shitty thoughts start to cascade through
one's brain, to the point where after TWENTY NINE MONTHS of being
held in prison without being sentenced you cannot see ANY FUCKING END
to this shit..
Doing some pull-ups might help.
:)
Real talk..
I've done all the legal work i can.
I am no attorney nor do i have any background in Federal Law.
:/
I've taken the time to write to anyone and everyone
that could possible help me in my attempts to get some
kind of justice or fair resolution to my case..
If i STILL get fucked!?
FUCK man..
Then i simply never stood a chance from the get go.
I was ALWAYS going to get fucked.
:(
Effort Timothy..
It's the effort you put in that you're responsible for..
Apparently a water pipe busted on 42nd street in Manhattan last week.
That's the story anyway..
Since then apparently most of Manhattan
has been without flushing toilets and drinking water.
Luckily i took a fat shit before all this happened.
Slow flushed that motherfucker down the toilet
just before any bullshit came into play.
Other motherfuckers weren't so lucky..
Just try for a second to imagine the afternoon delight of
having to be in the same vacinity of a freshly curled out
jailhouse turd..
It's not in water either like in your average toilet.
Oh no..
It's just resting on top of a load of toilet paper.
An you have to be locked in the same
room as the poo..
:O
Pure violation..
I remember this one time when i was locked in the cell,
my bunkie took it upon himself to shit in the toilet while
the toilet would not flush.
I don't think i've ever been so angry in my entire life.
It wasn't funny in the slighest..
I had to a thick orange blanket around my face as
tightly as possible and i could only breath in very short
breaths out of my mouth with my eyes closed huddled
in the fetal position.
And quite frankly i don't want to talk about it anymore.
It is possible to flush a toilet when there's no water
running in the toilet.
Or the other option is shitting in a trash can.
It's a very small target though..
You gotta keep one hand on the door handle
incase some fucking idiots tries to open the door
an exposure you squatting, coupled with the super
serious matter of not knocking it over.
It more than likely that it has someone else's shit in it too.
Perhaps even three different people's..
Seperated by thin layers of toilet paper..
Failing that like i said you can always flush the toilet
by pouring a huge amount of water into it to push all
the badness away..
It's tricky though and really shouldn't be done on your own..
"You been workin' out a thousand years an you can't lift that shit?"
No.
No i can't..
It's full of water..
It'd just be stupid to try
and do it on your own..
Each day of the week we are given a specific newspaper.
It's like the New York equivalent of the Sun or News of the World..
When it's given out there is a line the paper makes its way through,
starting with the henchest dudes in the unit and slowly petering its
way down to the less threatening individuals before it's scooped up
by the sexual deviants and chopped up into jerk material.
I get it pretty early.
:D
It has nothing to do with me though..
I get it through association..
I just got kicked out of my cell.
I WAS going to read the paper while sitting on my bed,
relaxing before starting my afternoon workout but that was
not to be as my bunkie needed to take a "New York Shit" so
here i am, sitting outside the cell at a table, making my way
through the pages while occasionally glancing at the most
ridiculous game of chess I've ever seen..
"TAKE HIS BITCH!! TAKE THAT SHIT!!"
:/
One of the guys playing has this one brown tooth at the
front of his grill, it points out of his mouth and looks like
one of them teeth that gets dunked into a glass of coke
overnight to show you how bad that shit is for you..
Word on the street is that his tooth got like that
because it repeatedly took the full force of the blast
each time he was sucking on a glass dick!!
The other guy playing is some next hairy Puerto Rican dude who,
according to him, when he doesn't shave for a week his beard connects
with the hair at the back of his neck.
Yup..
He's cool though!!
We spent about an hour discussing Iphones, fingerprint technology
and shape shifting Lizards last night when i was in a haze from fasting
all day, he seemed pretty clued up, so much so that he is now reading
a very good book that a close friend of mine sent me a year or two ago.
So I'm slowly flicking through the pages of this paper..
My coffee tastes really good today,
i got a new routine of putting in two mints and two scoops
of cocoa powder each time i make a cup, makes it taste like
some weird mint chocolate hybrid of coffee and is just about
the most exciting thing i can put together at the moment.
Trying to watch what i eat..
Hoping to get a visit sometime soon..
I'm well aware what this paper is made for,
who put the motherfucker together and exactly
what their interest is in doing so..
So when it comes to ME reading it..
-pretty girls
-nice clothes
-interesting places
That's it..
You can miss me with all that other monkey shit..
I enjoy picturing myself out there and imagining
what the hell i might be up to if i wasn't in jail..
I don't hang out with many people in here anymore.
Some people are really cool and i like to spend time with them,
i know what i can expect hanging out with them and after all this time
it makes sense to be aware of what you can expect from certain people,
i don't need any drama or surprises in my life right now just individuals
that are going to keep me in a positive state of mind..
If i choose to share my time with someone i don't want it to be draining.
This guy is my friend.
Most people think he's an idiot..
This notion has come about through his effortless daily
arguments and comments he makes to people without
really thinking about what he's saying or doing..
To me he's a good natured person who has no malice in him
and when i fuck with him it's probably going to at the very
least pretty funny..
Which is why i fuck with him..
-We workout
-We cook
-We joke
When i fuck with him i know exactly what I'm going to get..
As i lay on my bed..
Staring at the ceiling..
I think about what I'm going to do with my day..
There is a hazy part of the afternoon,
usually around twelve or one, when i have not made up my mind
as to how I'm going to spend the next twenty four hours of my life.
-Work out
-Call somebody
-Email somebody
-Clean up
It could go either way..
"TIMBERLAAAAND"
Today that's enough to make my mind up..
So with that, I pull on a crooked, battered, fraying beanie hat,
a pair of XXXL shorts, grab my plastic grips, fill up a plastic mug of water
and walk over to the pull-up bar to join my friend..
"Why the hat?"
Now..
When someone questions what you're wearing,
whether it seems to be out of genuine curiosity or perhaps
leaning on the side of mockery, it's a good look to cut that
bullshit short before any kind of stupid monkey shit can
go down.
You can do it two ways..
-An amusing reply
-Make out that you're incredibly pissed
"COS THA'S HOW I'M GIVIN' IT UP"
"Oh werd?!?"
Underneath the bar is a grubby stack of blue plastic boxes.
They're used for doing different kinds of pushups..
Also they are used for when people are doing pull-ups as
the bar is kinda high.
At least for ME it's kinda high..
I am around 5.7.
My friend is around 6.1
We go through the same childish routine
every time we go to work on this fucking bar..
Every time he is about to get some money,
he kicks all the blocks over as he doesn't need
them to get up on the bar..
Then i have to stack them back
up when it's my turn.
:/
He finds this funny.
"Yo' short ass!!"
:(
"Yo' long fucking FACE!!"
"OH WERD!?
I do not..
Once in a while my friend tells me something
that makes all the stupidity and arguments i have
to endure in his company worthwhile..
A little story..
An anecdote..
A question..
He'll spit something out that reminds me exactly
what i fuck with him in the first place..
Today he asked me if i thought it was a good idea if when
the medication lady asks him if he's taken his pills..
He responds by sticking his tongue out as far as possible..
Waggling it in and out of him mouth..
While going "MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM" in the most sexually deviant manner you can imagine..
I was supposed to get sentenced on Monday and up until Friday i still thought this was the case.
No one had told me any differently..
Something came over me though and suggested that i should make a couple of moves to check what the fuck was going on and low and behold..
My sentence has been adjourned.
Again.
The concept that my jailhouse days were numbered and that i may well be leaving this prison in the next week or so..
Whether it be to serve some more time in another facility or be handed into the custody of Immigration officials to await deportation back to the Big Smoke..
The feeling was fucking surreal!!
Like was this shit REALLY happening?
Everyone seemed to be sure.
Apart from me..
:/
All my friends kept talking about "When Tim dog leaves" and day by day i was starting to get more and more optimistic and actually BELIEVE that the prospect of me moving forward with my life was actually coming to fruition and that my constant fight with these people would finally be over..
Then Friday came..
I'm doing my best attempt to walk to the phone with a fake limp like I've been shot or stabbed so i can call my friend Alex, who's Skype number is crudely scrawled on a crumbly piece of paper that's screwed up into a ball in my left palm..
Something told me i should call someone else and make sure i am crystal clear on what the fuck is happening this week as up until now i have been kept completely in the dark..
Then i get the news.
Adjourned.
My sentencing has been adjourned.
Again.
Without warning..
:(
About a weeks worth of excitement, positive energy, enthusiasm and excrement quickly trickled down my Turkish frame.
Ever since then I've been treading water trying to keep my head above ground and stop myself from bugging the fuck out in here..
I mean i only really have myself to blame for getting this pissed off.
Albeit foolishly..
I have been imagining what might happen this week, especially in the best case scenario that my judge sees fit to grant me no further jail time and send me on my way into immigration custody..
For example..
One of my people is coming to visit me at the jail this week.
An Instead of seeing me here..
I was imagining she might come see me in immigration..
Before your departure onto the plane home you can have a family or friend drop off a bag of clothes for you at the Immigration prison.
You're being put on a commercial flight after all, so to avoid any lames pranging the fuck out at the sight of a hairy henched out jailbird they give you the opportunity to change clothes before boarding your flight home.
I daydream about doing this all the time you know..
When they tell me it's time to take this shit off and put on some real clothes..
To return back to the normal world..
An this week it felt like that dream just might have become a reality and that i just might, in the following weeks, find myself sitting in a chair on a plane, looking down at the disappearing tarmac, finally seeing an end to all this ridiculousness and knowing it's all finished..
No more fighting..
It's done.
Time to start again..
Well that ain't happening now.
At least not in the timeframe i was hoping it to anyway!!
Me sitting around here brewing like shit isn't going to do me any good either so it's time to get back on the horse an just start grinding again.
I just have to get on with it..
My head has been in the streets way too much recently anyway, making all kinds of plans and putting together ideas for a reality that is still out of my grips for an unknown amount of time and instead of contemplating how long that amount of time will be it seems like a better idea to just shut the fuck up and get on with things again..
Distancing myself from things works well for me anyway, it gives me the chance to re-evaluate my thoughts and what is and what isn't working for me at the moment, when i take a step back and take a breather everything starts to look black and white and way easier to break down and deal with..
It's the sluggish, early morning part of my weekly fast,
the coffee i had before lock in has me feeling anxious
and as always i don't know exactly what to do with myself.
Most people are asleep.
As far as i can tell anyway...
Ain't no one next door talking shit,
either side i can't hear nothing.
Opposite there ain't no light on..
Seems like everyone is sleeping.
I know for a fact my bunkie is
as he's snoring so fucking loud
the bed is shaking..
Everyone is sleeping.
Except me..
It's nice and quiet, i like it,
gives me a chance to let my mind settle,
no need to listen out for shouts that turn into fights,
i'm not listening to any of the bullshit that plays on the radio..
I'm just laying on my side staring out the window..
It's crazy to think how long i've been here..
I've seen the same street go through the seasons
year in and year out..
I've watched snow cover the road..
Leaves falling..
Rain washing the street..
I've seen all this shit so many times now,
i don't even pay it no mind anymore when i look outside,
the changes are pretty meaningless now..
I just want to know when it's going to be My time..
I want to know when it's my time to leave and come home..
If everything worked out in the best possible scenario for me,
which would be time served, i'm not going to be touching that street
outside anyway as after marrying we didn't apply for my citizenship..
I can expect to be whisked away within 72 hours by ICE Agents
to an immigration jail when i finish my time in Federal Custody to
await deportation.
I've heard that place is fucking terrible..
Everyone knows they're getting deported so
they don't give a fuck, people that have been through
there told be heads are whilin' out round the clock!!
It is actually possible for me to get bailed out
of that place.
I've been prosecuted for a non-violent crime involving
no drugs and from what i've been told the bail amount
wouldn't be over five grand..
It would certainly be nice to spend a little bit of time
in the city before coming home to London but i don't
think it is meant to be, first of all i don't know anyone
in the States who could bail me out and secondly,
by the time my Federal time is finished and my ass
is in the Immigration jail, most likely in Pennsylvania,
i'll be so close to coming home it won't even matter..
I'm not gonna lie though..
It would be nice to leave here on a not so sour note..
Sitting in front of me is a piece of paper full of
very scrappily written notes i've taken today.
Most of it are songs i've heard on the radio..
I have a sinking feeling that i've written all these
songs before..
My window is pretty fogged up
but i can just about see through the top
and there's little pieces of snow flying through the air..
It looks real nice..
In front of me is a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
The milk i got for breakfast is blatantly rank now
so i'm eating this shit dry two pieces at a time..
It's still pretty good.
On my right hand side dangerously perched
at the end of the bed is a cup of coffee too..
While i'm looking in that direction i just remembered,
Thankyou ever so much for the Christmas cards,
got them all wedged around the light above my desk
an they really make the cell look a lot more..
Well..
It looks better with them there.
So thankyou..
After squiding a tissue inbetween the bars i've managed to
clean the window a little and FUCK there's a lot of snow outside..
It's covered all of the pavement!!
Last time i was in the snow..
Shit..
About a year ago me and my freind from Ghana was up
on the roof just after it had snowed. A thick layer of it
carpetted the roof and it was SO thick that i managed to
bust out a HUGE straight letter..
I walked in tiny penguin steps scuffing my feet on the floor,
then jumped each time i had to start a new letter and it came
out pretty decent to be fair!!
I had to buff it though..
:(
My freind should be home in the next few weeks.
Which is the best news i've heard in a VERY long time..
If i end up getting sent to some jail West Bubbafuck i dun wanna
lug it all up there,
Even if things work out in the best case scenario and they time serve my ass,
passing me off into the hands of Ice Agents who will promptly throw me in an
immigration jail..
It's still best if i get this shit sent home.
So I'm trying to organize it all!!
Packing it all into big envelopes, taking notes of what's in what,
who sent what and where the fuck it all came from, there's all KINDS
of shit in here, letters from people when i first got locked up, postcards
from random places, books and magazines, photos from my friends showing
me what they're up to and little reminders of shit we got up to when i was out..
There's also a lot of letters from people i didn't know before getting banged up.
That shit was and is really cool as one of the worst things about being
in here is the lack of communication.
I love to meet new people and being in here kind of fucks that up to put it mildly,
so I've had to depend on individuals writing to me instead and it's hard enough getting
someone you've fucked with for years to get off their ass and put a letter in the mail,
motherfuckers I've never met before being cool enough to show me some love has
definitely been one of the nicest things I've experienced throughout all this crap.
Quite often i open the same letters up and read them again,
thinking about why an individual wrote to me or simply just to
remind myself of a certain period of my bid when i got the letter,
it gives me a kick in the ass when I'm feeling shitty as letters ain't
exactly the most used form of communication nowadays..
Someone has to go out of their way, go buy some stamps,
which really isn't that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things
but it's more the point of someone doing all that shit just to ask
how I'm doing, what I'm up to, if i have any news and most importantly
to share a little bit of their lives with me.
There wasn't ANY letter that i just opened..
Read the contents..
Wipe my shitty ass cheeks with..
An dashed in the trash.
No matter WHO the fuck sent it..
In this day and age people don't really write letters.
So when someone DID just go put some words on paper
and bung it in the mail for me i knew it was something that
was not an everyday occasion..
At least that's what I've told myself anyway..
To still feel relevant in people's lives was/is
a very important factor in keeping my head
above water in this dump.
At times it's easier to feel like you've been swallowed
up in a system so fucking vast and unfamiliar..
So at times when sucker-shit like that is on my mind..
This morning i got woke up at about five,
to the sites and smells of my bunkie puking
his guts out into the toilet..
:(
It's never enjoyable watching someone you give
a fuck about wretching and coughing like that..
Especially when you can't help them.
I mean..
He has no hair to hold back and i know
that patting him on the back he'll just call me a bitch.
:/
So all i can really do is offer vague
words of encouragement from the top bunk..
"try drinking some water"
"shut the fuck up"
:(
I'm only trying to help..
"Maybe it was the soup? You did eat it pretty late?"
"My n****r.."
:/
"SHUT THE FUCK UP"
:(
It's almost midnight now..
Spanish salsa is blasting out of my headphones..
"DAMN shorty!!"
"A n****r need a sledge-hammer for a dick fuckin' with THIS bitch.."
:)
He's feeling a lot better now..
It was the first day of February today. Once the festive period is done and dusted
time moves very quickly in here. It's been like that every year I've been held in this
building. The build up to Christmas always sucks as for about three months straight
you gotta listen to all these bullshit adverts on the radio and see shit in magazines,
plus you know everyone is out there clowning going to parties, shows, all kinds of
decent shit happens in December especially around New Years but yeah like i said
once all that crap is done an dusted everything goes back to normal..
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