'she wants your macadamian turkish nuts'

This week makes four mother fucking months i have been in here.
That is around one hundred and twenty days.
 ..Unless someone miraculously decides to bail me out, i can expect
to be here for another twenty four months.
 I am already thirsty as FUUUCK. Thirsty is a prison term, when you are
catting for some pussy..right now catting is the understatement of the
fucking CENTURY...

 The only female contact you are going to get in here, is either if someone
comes to visit you, or the 'female' guards. Most of them are purely crutters,
skanky, ashy, buttery bitches.
..Not all of them though.

 I should add that it's not unheard of for a guard to fuck an inmate or suck
them off, for money..Depending on how good you got game, sometimes for free.
 Nice Nice :D !

 So..
One day after i've been working out, i take a shower and head back to my cell just in
time to get locked in for the mid day count..A new Irish guard is on duty.
 On the street, i would rate this chick as a 6 out of ten, at BEST, and that's if i was wearing
ultra thick beer goggles..but she has a fatt butt and a huge rack, so to me and Sha this broad
might as well be a redhead Scarlett Johansson.
 "Dude, did you see the way she was looking at you?"
Nah man, what you saying?
"Son, she was looking at you like a piece of meat, you in there kid!"
 :D !

 Then Sha backtracks, and rightly so..
"second thoughts, i ain't seeing you go out like that kid. Ain't you
learnt your lesson from last time?"
 He has a point. After all, fucking an Irish fluesy is what led to my
epic downfall in the first place..I don't really have anyone to blame..ALL
the signs were there..i mean for fuck sake, alarm bells should've rang
when on my wedding night i consumated my marriage by fucking my new
wife up her stinkin Irish ass! It didn't scream class and respectability..
 Aaaanyway..Just like back then, before i was bamboozled into marriage
by an Irish broads butthole, Timothy Ozer Guvercin is not currently behind the wheel..
..captain cock is in the driving seat, and he ain't hearing NONE of it..
 Sha is not helping.
"fuck it dude, hit her with some of that fly Sean Connery shit, Hugh Grant her shamrock ass"

 In my extremely horned up state of mind, i run with it.
The rest of my day is spent effortlessly smooth talking this irish potatoe, to the point were she
ain't thinking about stewed tatties and guiness anymore, shes craving Raki and spicy turkish sausage!

 The evening is spent getting schooled by Sha on the many things that are nesecary to succesfully make this
shit happen..
 Firstly, i would need to volunteer as an 'orderly' (cleaner) so i could be allowed to stay out while the other
inmates are locked up..
 Secondly, he schools me as to the location on every camera in the unit..not that i wasn't already aware of
their presence, years painting graffiti has given me a spider sense of security cameras that i can't quite
shake off yet..Still, he advises me on where would be the best location to attempt this sneaky, sly old wiley foxes stout
of a plan..
 "Your best bet Timdog, take her in the laundry room. She'd probably suck your balls in there"
:O

 ..But just as the plan is coming together, she goes off duty, and we havn't seen her since. Whether this is
because she swapped shifts, floors, or someone put in a complaint (unsuprisingly, this place is full of petty motherfuckers
who are all eating cheese on the low/rats) who knows..
 Let's just say this is a work in progress,
and i will keep you posted on whether she gets any of these Turkish macadamian nuts..For now it's back to copies of Smooth, Jerk and Jizz magazine...