Who dat FBI n****r?

About four days ago it was two years
to the day that i got arrested.

....

And put in prison.

...

How's that for an anniversary..

Thinking about this special day and its relevance
on my life, got me thinking back to last year
and what the fuck i was upto..

Out of the blue..

On a crispy Friday afternoon,
just after i'd jumped up to the pullup bar
an busted out a couple of close-gripped
sets of ten..

I found out jus' how vicious
'the man's' scoop game is up in here,
trust me when i say these motherfuckers
dooo nooot plaaay!!

:(

In the space of like..

Half hour..

-No heat..

-No sunlight..

-No hot water..

-No company..

Good times!!

After the inital "why me" period began to wear off,
the stark reality of my new above slowly started to
dawn on me.

Based on the vague information i was given,
things really did not look too good and it
was obvious they were not going to improve for
a hot minute!!

:(

I had little choice but to dig the fuck in
an just deal with the ULTRA BULLSHIT hand
i was workin' with..

I had no definitive idea as to how long this
shittyness was going to last and according
to the few slurped bits of hearsay that splatted
their way to my waxed out ear drums was sprayin'
something about at least three weeks..

There were quite a few complications
and many external factors involved in this
rather tricky situation that made things a lot
more difficult than the average
shmoe's predicament..

It did not look good.

:(

At all..

My inital reaction was to spent most my days
with my arms defiantely tucked inside my neon orange
power ranger suit in a fetal position, attempting to hold
on to any remnant of heat my body was giving out..

Other recreational habits?

-Sleeping.

-Re-reading some evangelical panflet.

-Sipping on dusty polystyrene cups that i
filled with un-dissolved crunchy coffee granules.

-Scuttling through the cold air from my steel bed
to the door to collect my food an get rid of trash.

Eventually..

I found better ways of putting
my waking hours to use..

In certain situations you have to try and get creative,
you are severely limited so using the very few things
that ARE at your disposal, some motherfuckers in here
get REAL experimental, which in turn, manages to help
everyone else out in the vacinity..

I had knowledge but no real hand on experience..

It took me a while to get up to speed and master
certain crafts/tricks of the trade which a motherfucker
would do well to pick up in a situation like this,
especially if you want to make your predicament
a little more comfortable or easier to digest.

Alternatively..

You can just go hard body and sweat it out..

Surviving on the pure basics..

Or..

Like many times in your life..

You can try make a move.

Failed attempts where routinely met with such thunderous mockery
and highly aggressive verbal insulterations by my new neighbours that simply
down to peer pressure ALONE i had to grab my balls an get the hang of
this shit..

FAST!!

It's essential to dodge any kind of situation that might
make you appear to your jailhouse brethren as a herb..

A lame..

A pussy..

These unflattering labels follow you around for most of your bid
and will block you from certain transactions with more reputable sources.

Luckily for me,
i have managed to duck such labels,
but being re-branded as a "pussy ass n****r" is never
a given especially with the influx of new faces,
so you have to always think carefully about how one
chooses his or her reaction to any given predicament.

Considering most of the people that i was around at the time
were of a seriously violent classification and all held some kind
of a reputable namesake for themselves..

It did me well not to come off as a bell end.

Especially considering..

Unbeknowst to them..

I was in there for some next level 'meatball' shit.

:/

One of the good points about being in
that neck of the woods is that you can
get your paws on these bendy plastic
non-stab pens.

If you're using them for sketching,
they cane the SHIT out of your hands!!

At least they did to mine,
as i squeeze the shit out of them (sexual frustration)
but still, they're dope as they have black ink inside!!

Which is a BIG fucking deal in here!!

Most of the pens are blue.

And i don't like drawing in blue.

I like drawing in black.

:)

Anyhow..

After hastily cobbling together the requirement
payment for the tattood up supplier of my black stationary..

A conglomorate of poor crafted letters, arrows and doo dads
spelling out a small childs name..

I proceeded to spend the following few days 
burning through page after page of shitty outlines and
handstyles, accompanied by my feeble/unoriginal imagination
and that small white dusty cup of crunchy cold coffee
i spoke about earlier.

This carried on for about three days..

And things where good..

Sadly like all things in life..

Good or bad..

It did not last,
and my situation and attitude
took a slightly less perky direction..

The details will have to wait for another time.

To cut a long and rather shady story short..

An un-provoked incident occured,
resulting in the confiscation and fecal desecration
of the bollocks i had been spewing into my sketchbook
over the past few days.

An i was not happy about this.

At all..

Not only was there fuck all that i could do about it,
but i had no other choice other than to chew on this shit
sandwhich, swallow the peanutty fact that all of the effort
i had put in over the last few days was needlessly swirling
at the bottom of a toilet.

:(

Slowly i could feel my attitude start to nosedive..

My patience was fizzling and my enthusiasm for
staying positive was getting replaced with a rather
familiar and unhealthy "fuck the world" point of view..

Which history has shown..

Does me no favours..

"Try to see difficult circumstances and happenings as bad-tasting medicine
or learning experiences. Look at the reality of the situation without resistance,
struggle, aversion or avoidance" - Lama Surya Das

Instead of taking someones reactions to a situation
as some kind of expression of their thoughts against you,
which in turn changes your emotional state from positive to negative,
it makes sense to take a step back and simplify the situation you are in.

At the time this all occured last year,
i wasn't yet at the point where i could really
understand the motives that led this individual
to his actions..

I was still at the point where my primary
method of dealing with human interaction was to
simply stare at my task at hand, how it had been made
more difficult by this individual and that it was not right
of them to do this..

I would question how someone could behave in a way
that doesn't take into consideration the other person or
how their behaviour has effected their quality of life..

Now i know a little better.

I understand that when someone does something that happens to upset me,
it's best to look at them as a whole and what led them to think that's ok,
which clearly wasn't me as i don't know them or have spent time with them,
so it makes sense to have patience with an individual when they are
venting at the world..

But like i said..

I wasn't doing that shit back then.

So instead..

I focussed on the basics of the situation.

I had no control over where i was.

The conditions i was under where bad enough,
and they where not going to change anytime soon.

What i DID have control over..

Was how i chose to react.

It goes without saying that i was pissed
about the whole fiasco..

but dwelling on the motherfucker
was not going to make things any better!!

So..

The following day..

I woke up.

After stretching in all kinds of crack-inducing
directions and twisting all my joints in an effort
to shake off a nights sleep on a stained slab of metal..

I busted out some pushups.

Only a few!!

remember..

No shower!!

:(

I chewed up my morning cup of coffee..

Brushed my teeth with a toothbrush so small
you end up rubbing pure flesh and finger bones
against your grill..

Then went about dedicating the rest of my day
to producing an drawing.

Just one.

:)

But i was going to make sure i put
my all into the motherfucker!!

Hours upon hours..

Hacking away..

With the intention of producing
the best work i could.

I tried new ideas..

I attempted new techniques..

Some of them actually worked!!

:D

Most majorly flopped..

:(

But STILL..

I kept at it..

Day after day..

An gradually i started to see some decent results..

After just under a month of clenching my
Turkish fingers around a bendable pen that
had the uncanny ability to stop working every
five seconds until i smashed it against an
unspoken surface,

I not only built up some NEEEXT henched-out wrist,
giving anyone i came into close contact the FALSE
impression that i had spent my time in pure masterbation,

But by the time i shuffled my stinkin' asshole out
that motherfucker flossin' cuff an a HENCH beard..

I had a WHOLE fucking folder full of sketches.

GOOD ones too..

:D

Looking back on that rather turbulent three and a half weeks..

I can now fully understand how important it is to change
my perspective on a situation in order to deal with in more
healthily.

To be honest when you look at life in the right way,
there's nothing to actually 'deal' with..

It would be a fair comment to say that
life for Timothy Ozer Guvercin doesn't quite
work out how i'd like it to.

FAR from it..

But it's ok though..

Perhaps if it DID..

An i got everything that i want..

I wouldn't ever learn anything.

An it's also a fair comment to say the
majority of things that i think i want..

Are not good for me.

At all.

:/

But we live and learn..

It takes me a while, months, sometimes even years,
but eventually due to the events that materialise in
my life i am finding ways of looking at lifes trying
situations and actually learning from them.

The most simple way or easiest way of dealing with problems,
is to make every situation a simple set of information with no
personal properties attached to it.

The fact that it is happening to me is besides the point.

This takes emotion out of the situation..

Anyway..

I was lucky enough to get a visit today.

An old freind from England was in town,
and was kind enough to take the time to
come see me for an hour an a half.

I tried to blag it the whole
three hours but didn't manage
to pull it off..

But still..

It was really nice to see him,
we talked about a lot of things.

Mostly how the fuck i came to be here..

But also life in general and what is going to be
happening to me over the next six months.

.....

Obviously it's a TAD bit daunting situation,
sitting around waiting for someone to pass
judgement on your life on such a vast and
completely unpredictable scale..

:/

But as i told him..

(and i keep telling myself to stay calm)

I'm just glad to be moving on..

Before i forget..

Thanks for the snacks.

:)

I know i gave the snickers bar away,
to a dude that is named after a mouldy dairy product,
but it was ultra melted an i'm sure he appreciated
it more than the rubbish bin would've..

Well..

No.

He Didn't.

But that's not the point..