No Guns

Being in a predicament that involves vast quantities of time,
little to no stimulants and no definitive time frame as to how
long this shit is going to drag on for..

If you, like me, are composed of human flesh and blood,
every now and again you have a slip up and need to pick
yourself up off the floor..

You get days where everything seems ultra bleak,
cold, distant, there is a distinct feeling of being forgotten,
obsolete, that your life has little to no value,
merit or purpose..

(it sucks)

All thoughts seem to stem back to happier times,
how good life 'used' to be and what actions led to
this picturesque existences demise..

It passes though.

"If we define our self-image in terms of what we used to look like or in terms of
what we used to be able to do and can't do now, it's a pretty safe bet that we won't
grow happier as we grow older. Sometimes, the more we try to hold on, the more
grotesque and distorted life becomes" - Howard C. Cutler

A little time out..

Some days spent alone,
reading, praying and contemplating usually
puts me back on track..

Reality comes back into focus.

That heavy feeling i get on my forehead
starts to slowly fade away.

At school i never really put in much effort,
this followed through to college and even my brief stint
at university, i just fuck all interest in studying or learning jack shit..

The best way for me to view THIS shit though,
has been to try and learn from it all.

Particularly the motives behind my behavior.

At the end of each day i like to go through the last twenty four hours,
the events that took place and if i had a hand in their creation, whether it was positive,
negative, what could've been done differently and whether my parents, if they could see me now,
would be proud of how i handled it all.

I try hard not to look back on my time in the States,
unless it's in a positive manner..

It's hard though.

I remember when i first got my shit together here,
paying my rent on time, working a pretty cool job,
shit was nice an i always think back to how proud my
parents sounded whenever i spoke to them over
the phone.

I remember my mum even telling me that she enjoyed
telling people at her church in Turk land that her son,

"Moved to New York City and works by Times Square"

:D

This shit made me feel good,
i hadn't really done anything too impressive with my life
up until this point, i would look forward to speaking to my
rents an updating them on how much their son was
clowning in the big apple..

As time passed..

Bad habits re-surfaced.

Foolish decisions were made..

Because of this,
my interest in speaking to mom an pop
began to quickly diminish..

I KNEW i was seriously fucking up, ultra slipping,
an i didn't want to hip them to how badly shit was
going down the toilet.

I wasn't working no more.

I wasn't exercising.

(fucking does not count)

I wasn't doing jack shit apart from
smoking way too much dro, ordering take away food
and trying to convince myself an anyone else i spoke to
that everything was kosher..

It got to the point where weeks, months on end my parents
would be calling me an i simply wouldn't answer the phone.

I was ashamed.

Being parents, as one might imagine,
they didn't need to speak to their idiotic
son over the phone to figure it out though..

Back to the present.

The healthiest way for me to view my current situation
is like a once in a life-time rehabilitation process,
an opportunity to study and learn.

My chosen subject?

A Hench Turkish bell end.

Going over past actions..

What fueled certain behavioral patterns..

My day to day behavior,
studying the knock on effects my actions
have on my surroundings..

The 'out for yourself' mentality that a lot of
New Yorkers adopt and are accustomed to gets very tiring,
but there ain't shit i can do about it.

I have no control over others behavior,
nor do i wish to wield any.

Not anymore.

I understand that i can only work on MY behavior,
learning and bettering myself.

When i focus on things like this,
the prospect of growing and developing
as a person, having a much more clear understanding
of myself and the world around me..

Time passes well.

"If you look at your normal day to day life, however, you often find that there are so many factors
and conditions that cause pain, suffering and feelings of dissatisfaction, where as the conditions that
give rise to joy and happiness are comparatively rare. This is something that we have to undergo,
whether we like it or not. And since this is the reality of our existence, our attitude to suffering
may need to be modified.." - HH Dalai Lama