I make the Newports disappear..

Today i had two bowls of spaghetti

I've talked to many people, read things here and there,
spent time with individuals who are schooled on certain faiths and the belief
systems behind them.

Pastors, Imams, Jews, Buddhists..

I still wouldn't say i officially subscribe to any specific religion,
each has it's own good points and other points that i don't quite agree with
or see sense in, but i still feel like i have a more concrete visual, or at least
some form of understanding, concerning my own existence and it's meaning,
perhaps a bit further along the road to answering some of life's more, erm,
challenging questions..

Why are we here?

What is our purpose?

How did we come to be?

It is said that man's body was created from dirt, blood and water,
his creation was based on organic materials from the earth,
then God put his breath into man which gave him his spirit.

His soul.

Meaning that man is a creation that consists
of this earth and a higher force.

This idea goes on to explain the reasoning behind man's behavior,
your earthly body is constantly craving for earthly pleasures,

-food
-sensory stimulations
-sex
-material possessions and so on..

The other part of you, your spirit,
as it is not of this world it craves for something higher
than man's earthly pleasures, it has a higher purpose,
a higher calling i guess.

These two opposing 'motives' are the core
of mans struggle between mind and body..

At the end of man's time on the earth,
it is only fitting that his earthly body returns to which it
came from and the spirit will also return to its source.

I not only identify with this theory but i also use it as
a very all-inclusive answer to many of my questions in life,
particularly concerning our behavior and how we spend
our time on this earth and the reasoning for our actions,
thoughts, for me it sheds light and explains a lot of shit.

It doesn't answer all my questions though..

"Curious is when a n****r wanna SEE what happen'..
inquisitive is when a n****r wanna KNOW what the fuck happen'.."

I have a tendency of thinking up questions that, somehow, make people mad.

REAL mad.

Real quickly too..

:/

I pray at least twice a day,
once in the morning when i wake and once before i sleep.

Like i said i don't follow any particular religion, but i believe that there is a higher
power and praying helps me feel more in tune with myself and opens up a lot of doors for me,
it's like i think more clearly and also feel like i develop more as a human being doing so,
if that makes sense..

Anyway..

One day something popped into my head and i couldn't quite
shake it off, so sought out some help..

It's widely believed and accepted by most if not all religions that
the entity known as God is all-knowing, he knows everything about you,
your past, your future, he is beyond the realms of time..

The Biggest homie.

:D

Keeping with this line of thinking, stupid remarks aside,
it is also pretty much accepted that God will always give you
what is best for you, he knows what's best for you and will
always be there for you in some way shape or form.

Now if this is the case, what i couldn't shake off,
was what is the point in asking for things when you pray?

If he is all-knowledgable or whatever an knows the ins and outs of
everything in the universe, he surely knows exactly what it is you want
before you put it in 'prayer format' and will give you what is best for you,
so doesn't this make the act of praying for something specific,
an item, a request, whatever it is, doesn't this make it obsolete?

A waste of time?

I got mixed responses..

The overall answer that came from most was that you should think of it like
a child asking a parent for something, the parent is not going to give the child
something that is detrimental to them and they usually know what their
child wants, but they enjoy the act of actually being asked by their kid.

I didn't and don't really buy this,
not only that but to the annoyance of anyone who i asked about this subject,
another question flew out of my mouth that managed to push them over the edge..

Most people didn't even respond to it an some even told me to fuck off..

Which was nice!

:D

If God knows everything and is beyond the realms of time, he knows exactly
what you are thinking and are going to think, so isn't the premise of asking him
for something assuming that he *needs* to be told?

In effect questioning the wisdom/power of God and what he knows?

That you assume he needs to be told what is on your mind is, in a way,
your assumption that God isn't aware of your needs or wants?

Like i said,
as a whole the reaction to that question was one of unified annoyance
from most, they simply referred back to the example of the child asking
the father and how i didn't understand because i had no children, which i replied to
by saying that them comparing their relationship with their child to the connection
of a sentient being and God could be seen as blasphemous as they were, direclt or indirectly,
comparing themselves TO God..

You can probably guess how that comment was recieved..

A moment of honesty,
perhaps subconsciously i was questioning their beliefs or challenging them,
i used to do stupid shit like that all the time when i was younger. If i was in a pub or something
an some Christian 'bible bashers' as they were known to be called at the time, would come and
try to push their belief on me, i would usually come up with some un-answerable question that
was only really fueled by a desire to cause annoyance..

So taking a step back and looking at things as a whole,
perhaps i was wading into those retarded waters once again,
but on a real tip i was actually very curious concerning the aspect
of how the validity in putting specific things into a prayer and whether
it mattered or not..

ANYway..

I explained my query to this to one guy who patiently listened to me,
and said he understood my questions and that they were completely valid.

:D

He went on to say that books have actually been written about this subject
and i was right to question it, but ultimately it is a question only you can answer by the
peace of mind and personal attributes that come from your prayer practice.

We went on to have a very long talk..

I explained to him that in my own case, i felt a great sense of relief when i concentrated
my prayer on being thankful for the things i have, the experiences i have been blessed to have done,
in general just appreciated things for what they are and hoping that my family, freinds and loved ones
are kept safe, healthy and happy..i went to to explain that when my prayers were concentrated on asking for
something specific, what i'm sure you could easily guess what that is,
it just resulted in craving which ultimately led to suffering..

If God is all-knowing then he knows what i want,
me asking God for these things is not going to result in me getting it unless i am *supposed* to have it,
if it is in my best interests, which in turn makes sense for me to leave it in Gods hands as he will make
that decisions whether i like it or not and whether i ask for it or not..

He paused after i finished talking and smiled..

It was very refreshing to speak to someone who did not take offence by my questions,
he didn't see my curiosity as me, in some way, questioning his religion or challenging him
to validate his beliefs, i genuinely got the impression he was more intrigued by the question
and my point of view on the subject..

His explanation though was that it really is up to the individual on how they wish to pray,
but also gave an example from a religious text which seemed to perfectly fit in with the
conversation and my thoughts on the topic.

He spoke of a story about an elderly man, a holy man, who preached the word of God but was
severely crippled with illness, his wife had to carry him from town to town in order for him to
preach the word of God.

Many years passed and his wife began to grown frustrated, asking why,
if he had such a deep connection with God, why he didn't ask to be healed?

The elderly mans reply,
was that God knew about his illness and understood his pain and hardship better than he ever could,
nobody knew about the elderly mans situation better than God, so if and when God saw fit, he would
heal him without the man having to ask for it to be done.

Now..

Personally i don't see any religious book, ANY, as being a recorder or document of actual
events that took place. My view on it is that they are stories compiled to help you with daily life,
stories that have a meaning that you can place to your own life and give you some confirmation,
some faith in the human spirit and what we can overcome.

I don't take any of it too seriously,
but i like to keep an open mind to all religions.

As long as you look at any chosen topic in the right way,
i think you can learn something.

Nope. No way.

I'm mad tired..

I dun want to talk, i just want to sleep.

But the questions and comments keep coming..

"They BEEN knew that shit!"

:/

Maybe it's my strength of conviction..

Perhaps it's Turkish genetics..

Stubbornness..

Whatever..

I'm not buyin' it.

The Egyptians did NOT know the speed of light
when they built the pyramids.

I don't give a fuck,

I'm not buyin' it.

-----------------

Earlier today was pretty cool..

About twenty minutes into using this really bate looking
step machine, i got some unexpected good news which prompted
me to abandon that dumb shit and grab my sneakers..

Sky..

Air..

RAIN?

About half an hour down,
everyone abandoned ship and it was just me,
surrounded by a load of bloated spectators as the heavens opened,
an it really started fuckin' pouring it down..

Lap after motherfucking lap..

I told you i don't count them anymore right?

Anyways..

I look down to change the shitty music i was listening to
for something better, with a swift boom of thunder the dial
on my radio goes blank an all i hear is white noise.

Didn't look too promising!

:/

Moments later..

Mexican confirmation!

"Y-hu gat whater in y-hur raidio mhaan!"

:(

Nevermind..

I ball the motherfucker up in my home made vest,
dash it under cover, an keep on running..

Instead of Barry White, Wacka Flocka or some next bullshit,
i'm concentrating on the noise of the rain falling, it's pouring
down all around me..

A deep hissing sound that's backed up
by faint booms of thunder in the distance..

Each time it booms,
i smile an tilt my head back for a moment
so i can feel the cold rain on my face.

In one motion, i wipe my forehead, slick my hair back
and put my focus back on the ground and all the shiny droplets
of rain i'm flyin' over..

The occasional reflection in passing murky puddles
dotted around the floor..

I can tell people are gawking at me.

Some English cracker running topless in the rain, on his own,
for more than an hour non-stop..

Smiling.

Fuck em.

Es tan simpatico!

I'm looking out the window.

It's kinda wet,
people got coats on.

The occasional person does jam past flossing some shorts
and a tshirt but as a whole, heads are trying to keep dry.

There's a lamp post opposite where i sleep.

I look outside often to see if anyone is standing underneath..

It's been a while but it does happen.

:)

Figurese..

En frente de lampara..

Fumando Cigarro..

Mi papa.

:D

Veo mi familia..

Amigos..

Nicotina..

:/

Oigo le automovil, perro, profanidad..

Le pueblo!

Mi recomendacion?

Separar se realidad..

Mucho effectivo..

Mi amor mi familia..

Mi muchachos..

Mi muchachas..

Comprendo la lexxion muy bien.

Mi realidad mucho dificil.

Buenas noticias?

Nunca.

:/

Voy a comer el radio..

Estoy contento.

:)

Sus cartas das bonitas mi aplaudiendo,
gracias mi amigos!

La frase Espanol de basura,
perezoso, mi esposa bendeho?

El Timdog estudia muy bien!

:D

Magnifico ingles caballero..

Tengo sueno..

Voy sonar..

Manana?

Pollo frito.

:/

Tanto cafe..

"Don't be stealin' my recipes motherfucker!"

Ok.

You're here..

That's established.

The fact that you ain't goin' anywhere for a hot minute
takes a little longer to sink in..

When it finally does?

It's time to adapt and make the most out of what you've got..

When i was in the town i used to get a fryup pretty much every day.

Although that ain't quite possible at the moment,

It doesn't stop motherfuckers from trying..

--------------------------

**Sunday Breakfast**

-------------------------

*Ingredients*

-Omellettes from the line
-Hot n Spicy Halal Sausage
-Potatoes from the line
-Velveeta cheese
-Sazon seasoning
-Garlic
-Pepper

-----------------------

-Chop up the garlic. Like they do in Goodfellas.

-Chop up the halal joint.

-Put chopped up sausage on brown paper,
add Sazon, salt and pepper.

-Open up omellettes,
add extra cheese, Sazon, salt and pepper, garlic, close the motherfucker up.

-Place all potatoes in the bottom of brown paper bag,
sprinkle some Sazon, salt and pepper, garlic and chopped up pieces of Velveeta cheese,
close up the bag and shake it up.

-Nuke halal joint for about a minute or two,
long enough for it to start to fry, drain the oil.

-Nuke omellettes for a minute so that the cheese is melted.

-Nuke potatoes for about two minutes,
stop halfway through to mix them all up/shake the bag.

-Make coffee.

-Serve up onto plastic plates..

"Man is either a victim of fate or master of his own destiny"

----------------------------

Holiday Inn N********R!

Confinement is LONG!

Maximum security confinement?

Reeeally motherfucking long!!

The kicker?

Without warning..

In a heartbeat..

It can always get worse..

"If we can transform our attitude towards suffering,
adopt an attitude that allows us greater tolerance of it,
then this can do much to help counteract feelings
of mental unhappiness, dissatisfaction and discontent"
- HH Dalai Lama

Like any inconvenient predicament you might find yourself in,
it helps to try and adopt a positive attitude..

"Breakfest in bed motherfuckerrr!"

Exactly.

:)

At least that's the plan anyway,
trying to make the most out of any given situation,
use the time as productively as i can..

Resting, sketching, reading, writing,
putting together letters..

Sooner or later,

like anything in life,

it will inevitably pass..

"Man is ready and willing to shoulder any suffering as soon and
as long as he can see a meaning in it" - Victor Frankl

Eeeexactly..

Stop fucking around and get a Skype number

Shit is MAD loud tonight..

I just made some coffee,
always make a cup late at night an throw some mints in it,
managed to blag a pack of cookies to go with it too!

This is actually quite an accomplishment,
most heads in here are BUMS an hoard all that shit,
that or they sell it to a select group of bumchums
instead of just handing the shit out..

Fucking tramps..

ANYWAY..

So i have cookies,
coffee and i go in search
of somewhere quiet..

I find an empty, sunken corridor an go sit at the far end,
behind a table with my back against the wall..

The place is empty,
but there some signs of life scattered around..

Directly in front of me is a chair.

Heads don't just leace chairs lying around the place,
so someone probably just got their haircut..

In the distance i can hear shouts and laughter..

In my space,
the only noise is a high-pitched hissing coming from a shower..

Occassionaly people come and go,
more often than not giving me some kind of heads up
to see how i'm doing..

"Yo Timmy, you good my n****r?"

I'm ok.

:)

A thumbs up and a smile is about as much as a goon or goblin
is gonna get right now..

If they're really lucky,
i just might transform my hand into a strap,
point it at them, raise one eyebrow,
an pop off a shot..

They like this..

"MY N****R!"

Yep..

Despite me being in a sunken area,
i have a pretty decent view of what's poppin',
i'm enjoying oberserving it all from a distance..

Heads waiting for the jack (phone),
waiting around laughing, clownin', waving arms, hands and making loud
clapping noises by making a fist with their right hand (left is for 'chumps'),
and anytime one is at the end of ones sentence or wants to highlight the
important of what was just verbalised to your homey, calmly punching the
palm of your left hand..

(I do this often)

Word..

I look over to the dudes making their late night phone calls..

Makes me smile..

I think back to my early days in here..

Taking out anger and frustration on freinds and family members?

(Hello Gabby Hello mum Hello dad)

I been done that!

Trying to reason with a female that clearly has no intention of holding
you down and is looking for any excuse under the son to bounce?

I been done that too!

:D

There's a pretty good window behind me..

I see streets, cars, signs, stores, people, pussy, trains..

I see LIFE..

:/

I try to avoid this window.

When on a next hype, doin' a shirtless workout
with a bunch of goons an goblins/the 'homies'/the 'squad',

"Yo im'a do pushups..TIMDOGS! Make sure no one stomps me out my n****r!"

"..no doubt.."

It's do-able..

When feeling tired and melancholy?

It's best avoided!

To be honest it kinda sucks seeing everyone on the phone..

I want to call someone.

It's way too late though,
time differences an shit,
maybe tomorrow..

Speaking of..

Stop fucking around and get a Skype number so i can call you!

Lazy fucks..

Some ultra hench dude just got out the shower,
he looked suprised to see me cotching here,
this ain't my ends after all..

He nodded..

I nodded..

Shouldn't be a problem..

I'm sure if there is i'll find out about it REAL soon,
that's for DAMN sure..

People are flooding back now..

Time to breeze..

Serious Alien bootyhole

Another twenty four hours draws to a close..

A time for brothers to discuss the events of the day..

"Dude she's straight trash. I'd blatantly fuck her but still, she's trash!"

"TRASH!? my N****R!! if THAT'S what you call trash, sheeeeet,
you better start callin' me the garbage man, cos im'a be pickin' up
trash like that all motherfuckin DAY!"

A time to talk..

"You won't believe ME, but you'll believe a n****r called the motherfuckin' Dalai Lama!?"

"Yep."

"Thas fucked UP kid..I'm tellin' you my n****r, they caught that chump up in the Himalayas,
in a cave, with a load of BOYS!!"

:/

"I'M TELLIN' YOU! n****r was WAY outta pocket.."

A time to share..

"Yo, you seen that kids titties!?"

"No. Unsuprisingly no, no i havn't.."

"You know them old African bitches in the National Enquirer (Geographic) with
the dried up titties? They ain't got NOTHIN' on this n****r!"

"Bollocks!"

"To top it off, the n****r's in a cell with a n****r that been caught etch-a-sketchin' DICKS!"

A time to relax and let the conversation flow,
after all, if you learnt something today, your day was not wasted..

 "Yo imagine trying to explain to an alien the concept of music.."

"What the FUCK you talkin' bout n****r!?"

"Like, imagine trying to explain to an alien why we listen to music!"

"What the FUCK you talkin' bout n****r!?!"

:/

"That n****r can take you to another DIMENSION! Open up a STARGATE on a n****r!
Tell you what you're fuckin' MADE of, your life STORY! N****r...SHIT..You don't think
they know about MUSIC!?"

:(

"Me? I'd be askin' em what's up with that alien PUSSY! WORD! Fuck all that bewshit!"

....

"That alien pussy gotta be CRAZY thought right Timdog?"

"Nah man. Shit'd blatantly make your dick fall off!"

...

"Word."

Ok so..

Recently i've been utilising the practice of making notes while reading or thinking about certain subjects,
then revisiting them at a later time or date an seeing what i can do with it. Sometimes just the point of having
a topic and writing about it can lead you to some new ideas or conclusions that you had not seen before,
for me personally i think is because there are so many thoughts popping into my head at any given time
when i actually start to write about something specific, it gives me time to fully concentrate on it and
slows my thought process down a little bit.
 Most days after lunch i take some time to sit on my jaes, drink some coffee and do a little reading,
people are still digesting food, waking up, so there is the *possibility* of getting some peace and quiet
before the daily bullshit comes into effect, before the screaming, swearing and stupid shit gets up
and running.
 I'll sit cross legged on my bed in some grey sweatpants, hench cup of coffee resting/staining a black
book that i use for a tray, door closed (a must), slowly reading. I have to read slowly. Yep i know.
Very funny. Every so often i'll jot some shit down, something i found interesting in the text or just
some shit completely unrelated which came into my head.
 I am aware that in my existence on this earth, i am my own worst enemy. This is nothing new.
My imagination is a motherfucker and at times does nothing but add to the overall inconvenience
and negativity of my surroundings.
 It replays old memories, rehashes unhealthy thought patterns and due to a fresh batch of photos
i was (very) kindly sent recently, photos of forgotten times, faces and places, the habitual behaviour
i have formed over a lifetime kicks into overdrive.
 After a considerable amount of retardation, a gap in the storm occured though and a thought managed
to fight its way through the bullshit to the front of my brain, making its way down to my hand,
then pen, then paper..

"Do you think you dwell on things because it will, somehow, reveal some kind of magical answer
that will relieve all traces of emotional suffering?"

I took a little time, when asked/asking myself such a blunt question,
i thought it best to give myself some space before hacking away at it..

If the answer is yes?

An i think this is most of the time,
then the following question must be,

Has this worked?

No.

No it hasn't..

If the answer is no?

Then exactly why do i repeat this behaviour is i
know it has no positive qualities or conclusions?

I don't quite know the answer to that one..

Most likely through habit,
behaviour i've been accustomed to,
something like that.

Sometimes the answers to my questions are not actually so important.

Perhaps it's not a magic answer,
some kind of cosmic quote or mantra that can transform
my way of thinking or behaviour and how i spend my time..

Perhaps it's simply the right question?

When i found myself becoming imobilised by thoughts of the past,
moments and memories that have been and gone, finished, are no longer
part of my daily existence on this earth,

 Instead of just dwelling on a known fact, hoping that some kind of answer
will appear, i can just ask myself a very simple question that brings me
back to the present and corrects my behaviour in a way that can
only lead to something productive and healthy.

"What now?"

The Night Train

I got lots of routines in here.

It helps to keep me busy, my feeble mind occupied,
takes your attention away from the bullshit..

As i only got a radio,
i got a routine for that motherfucker too.

After twenty months (yes),
i got a good idea of what's on,
when it's on and what station the
shit is playing on..

It's a Tuesday night,
at one in the morning they got some bangin' show on 89.9 WKCR.ORG
called "The Night Train', it plays a shitload of deep funk and soul music,
been keeping me going for as long as i can remember in here..

Anyways..

The time is coming upto Two an i'm tired as a MOTHERfucker..

I've been up since..

Well..

Breakfast.

An that was at six in the morning,
an motherfucking BUMS was makin; noise all morning so
fuck all rest was to be had, add a workout that included but
was not limited to five hundred pushups at fifty a clip..

I'm tired..

My teeth are brushed..

Face is washed..

Bladder has been enthusiastically emptied over the toilet seat (and floor)..

I've done my daily stretches and prayers,
all that's left to do is call it a night an turn off my radio..

I climb onto my bed,
move my paperwork onto the chair
and lye the fuck down..

Clad in a pair of sweatpants an a moronic facial expression,
my eyes are transfixed on the wall, the light from outside the door
is illuminating all the cracks between the white bricks..

I look up at the ceiling..

"Don't look to others for justification"

I hear that.

:/

"Wisdom is avoiding all thou.."

My train of thought is violently derailed
by the voice on the radio..

"We have a very special request tonight..This request is going out to.."

Sounds promising..

"Tim"

!?

"We have a request for Tim .... They have requested a song by
the Isley Brothers, once again the next song is going out to Tim from.... Enjoy!"

I'm not so tired anymore.

:D

After shouting and waking my sleeping brother to inform him his dog just got a shoutout,

(this didn't go as well as one would've hoped, who'd have thought a 260 pound man would get mad
at being shouted at while he's asleep?)

I lye back an listen to one of my all time favorite songs..

I think back to when i first got locked up an compare it to this very moment,
all the shit thats transpired, all the highs and lows, all the people that have come
in and out of my life..

Shit is so fucking crazy..

I cant help smiling..

Like a MOTHER fucker..

:D

Thankyou x

I'm trying to stay relevant

No Guns

Being in a predicament that involves vast quantities of time,
little to no stimulants and no definitive time frame as to how
long this shit is going to drag on for..

If you, like me, are composed of human flesh and blood,
every now and again you have a slip up and need to pick
yourself up off the floor..

You get days where everything seems ultra bleak,
cold, distant, there is a distinct feeling of being forgotten,
obsolete, that your life has little to no value,
merit or purpose..

(it sucks)

All thoughts seem to stem back to happier times,
how good life 'used' to be and what actions led to
this picturesque existences demise..

It passes though.

"If we define our self-image in terms of what we used to look like or in terms of
what we used to be able to do and can't do now, it's a pretty safe bet that we won't
grow happier as we grow older. Sometimes, the more we try to hold on, the more
grotesque and distorted life becomes" - Howard C. Cutler

A little time out..

Some days spent alone,
reading, praying and contemplating usually
puts me back on track..

Reality comes back into focus.

That heavy feeling i get on my forehead
starts to slowly fade away.

At school i never really put in much effort,
this followed through to college and even my brief stint
at university, i just fuck all interest in studying or learning jack shit..

The best way for me to view THIS shit though,
has been to try and learn from it all.

Particularly the motives behind my behavior.

At the end of each day i like to go through the last twenty four hours,
the events that took place and if i had a hand in their creation, whether it was positive,
negative, what could've been done differently and whether my parents, if they could see me now,
would be proud of how i handled it all.

I try hard not to look back on my time in the States,
unless it's in a positive manner..

It's hard though.

I remember when i first got my shit together here,
paying my rent on time, working a pretty cool job,
shit was nice an i always think back to how proud my
parents sounded whenever i spoke to them over
the phone.

I remember my mum even telling me that she enjoyed
telling people at her church in Turk land that her son,

"Moved to New York City and works by Times Square"

:D

This shit made me feel good,
i hadn't really done anything too impressive with my life
up until this point, i would look forward to speaking to my
rents an updating them on how much their son was
clowning in the big apple..

As time passed..

Bad habits re-surfaced.

Foolish decisions were made..

Because of this,
my interest in speaking to mom an pop
began to quickly diminish..

I KNEW i was seriously fucking up, ultra slipping,
an i didn't want to hip them to how badly shit was
going down the toilet.

I wasn't working no more.

I wasn't exercising.

(fucking does not count)

I wasn't doing jack shit apart from
smoking way too much dro, ordering take away food
and trying to convince myself an anyone else i spoke to
that everything was kosher..

It got to the point where weeks, months on end my parents
would be calling me an i simply wouldn't answer the phone.

I was ashamed.

Being parents, as one might imagine,
they didn't need to speak to their idiotic
son over the phone to figure it out though..

Back to the present.

The healthiest way for me to view my current situation
is like a once in a life-time rehabilitation process,
an opportunity to study and learn.

My chosen subject?

A Hench Turkish bell end.

Going over past actions..

What fueled certain behavioral patterns..

My day to day behavior,
studying the knock on effects my actions
have on my surroundings..

The 'out for yourself' mentality that a lot of
New Yorkers adopt and are accustomed to gets very tiring,
but there ain't shit i can do about it.

I have no control over others behavior,
nor do i wish to wield any.

Not anymore.

I understand that i can only work on MY behavior,
learning and bettering myself.

When i focus on things like this,
the prospect of growing and developing
as a person, having a much more clear understanding
of myself and the world around me..

Time passes well.

"If you look at your normal day to day life, however, you often find that there are so many factors
and conditions that cause pain, suffering and feelings of dissatisfaction, where as the conditions that
give rise to joy and happiness are comparatively rare. This is something that we have to undergo,
whether we like it or not. And since this is the reality of our existence, our attitude to suffering
may need to be modified.." - HH Dalai Lama

Questionable Stains

It's pretty late.

My back is a little sore.

The thought of it enthusiastically bouncing off every
surface ain't too appealing, at least not tonight,
so as soon as the order was given to cut the light out,
the choice was pretty simple..

Even for me.

:)

Compliance..

Followed by many hours of Darkness..

Good times!

I'm lyin' on my back coolin my swollen toes on the ceiling..

I did an extra hundred pushups on my knuckles earlier,
they're voicing their displeasure in the form of horrendous
bruising and uncontrollable shaking, so they're getting
mildly subdued by the dirt-cold steel on the window..

Point taken!

I'm gazing out the window..

No stars.

Just a purple sky.

I've only got a little bit of sky to look at,
dotted between various buildings around my
current temporary residence, BUT, some people
don't even have this much so i definitely
can't complain..

tune?

Sheathed in a sock that's sporting a vast array
of rather questionable stains, my toes are tapping
away on the ceiling to some purely BATE basura that's
playing on the radio.

Who is playing?

I'm confident that if i told you,
external forces would manifest into some kind of ultra
violent entity hellbent on retribution for my serious lapse
in audio preferences.

I think i have enough problems.

Utterly shit music aside,
even though it's deathly silent an pitch black and
my hands feel like they've been chewed on,
i'm in suprisingly good spirits..

Shifting my focal point from one meaningless object to the next,
i think about people i know and i imagine they're here with me..

Cotching at the end of my bed..

Lying next to me on my prayer rug..

Sitting in the chair..

Even pirched on the shitter..

What would we talk about?

Would things still be the same?

..or has too much changed?

I read some interesting shit a while back,
it said that your relationship with someone is experienced
mostly internaally, mentally, rather than physically in the flesh..

That someone can't be with you twenty four hours a day,
they don't see what you see and you don't know their exact thought process,
so your relationship is based on your own mental projection of that person,
a characature of that individual..

In essence you carry this image around with you wherever you go,
and how you mentally project that person is what forms your relationship,
your opinion regarding the validity and importance of that person
and your connection to them..

"To avoid anxiety, overload, we construct perceptual defence mechanisms
to either limit or distort our percetions of reality" - Bryan Key Wilson

I just got the sudden urge to rip all the pages out this book,
an dash the empty carcass onto the floor..

:/

The sky is starting to lose it's appeal..

I think it might be time to put my tired eyes,
sore joints, shaky wrists and blue
Turkish balls to rest..

Time to stretch..

Pray..

Sleep..

Time to relax and think..

Think about the present moment..

Think about the warm bed i am in..

Time to think about the people i have love for,
to pray that they are all safe, healthy and happy..

To acknowledge how blessed i am to have been given the
life i have, the experiences i have had and everything i
have learnt up until this point of my life..

Then rest.

"Don't follow past thoughts, don't anticipate the future and don't follow illusory thoughts
that arise in the present ; but turning within, observe your own true nature and maintain
awareness of your natural mind, just as it is, beyond the conceptual limitations of
past, present and future" - Garab Dorje

Ball refill

I been feelin' pretty under the weather recently..

Decided to trade in my routine of two workouts a day
an little to fuck all food consumption for some rest
and three meals a day..

I'm lookin' round the room,
there's a banana, peanut butter and nutella sandwhich,
a cup of coffee with a couple mints in it (try it)
an me, scribbling away at this piece of paper,
briefly breaking the peaceful silence every
so often with a sniff..

Speaking of,
one of my mates made me crease up the other day,
we was talking about people in power an he was like,

"Teemy, you gat to believe me, deeze guysh party all de taime,
they fuck the bitches, take de drugs, sneeze da coke"

:D

My new sweatshirt has a mark on the cuff..

It's snot but it looks like cum.

It's not cum though.

I'd say if it was..

It's pretty chilled in here at the moment,
if only the other side of the door was quite
as tranquil though..

A familiar scene..

Five fat blobs with playing cards
down their pants, in their pockets an under their feet,
screaming at eachother that 'someone' is cheating..

:/

I find it a challenging aspect trying to take someone seriously
when they refer to themselves and actively promote others to refer to
them as a name derived from a household cleaning product, dairy item,
animal or baked good, which gives the impression, to me, that said individual
will inevitably have a future that involves searching through garbage bags for bones,
being scooped up in a big net, dashed in a van then ending their journey through life
getting put to sleep in a dog pound..

Perhaps i'm being a bit too harsh..

Perhaps i'm even being a bit too judgemental and need to be more
open minded concerning my surrounding's levels of intelligence,
personal hygiene and ettiquete..

"I'm buyin' all KINDS of stamina for the bone when i get out son,
all KINDS of potions!"

:/

"They got some shit out there called 'BULL DICK!'"

....

"Word!"

....

Perhaps not.

*Timmy Lass Mich Im Ruhe!*

*Timmy Lass Mich Im Ruhe*

(The 'Chill-down' salad)

--------------------

*Ingredients*

-Salad
-Two Macarels
-Peanuts
-Three packs of salad dressing
-Adobo seazoning

----------------------

-Take a bowl.

-Put everything in it.

"Die reihenfolge? Ist aber nicht wichtig!"

:/

"Danach tut man essen! - Nihmst ein gabel, steckst sie drinnen und
versuchst ein bisschen salad zu erwischen und nachher fangst an zu kaven."

:)

"O kaven? Du weist auch wie das geht!"

:D

"Timmy, bitte, hau ab, du machst mich wahnsinnig.."

------------------