As the months roll by,
I feel that instead of being seen as an entity of source living
through the human instrument in a three-dimensional, five-sensory
context, able to peer deeply beneath the surface reality of
life and experience how intricately connected every life form is
and how this composite of life is intelligent far beyond the human
instruments capability to both percieve and express..
Perception of said entity and its limitless capabilities gets restricted
to a characature that is solely based on past actions and the external
observing entities personal desires for said character
and it's future destiny.
Life is busy..
Prison is not.
You got plenty of time to think..
Enough time to peer beneath the surface reality of life and percieve and
express your own personal interpretations of the universe..
:)
Enough time to ponder ones choices in order to propel yourself from
origin to destiny and re-emerge into an expanded version of source reality,
with a renewed vision of your own identity.
How long does it take to fulfill such an endeavour?
I'd say it is reasonable to expect that its completion is yet so distant to me
that to attach measurement is simply a feeble attempt at estimating the unknowable.
:D
Jokes aside..
To really experience another human beings' changing
emotional state you have to experience their energy.
My use of language is nowhere near to even beginning
to articulate or interpret my reality, i can only interpret reality
through my personal abilities to percieve and express
lifes dimensional depth and limitless intelligence.
No man has been able to articulate life's dimensional
depth and breadth with the tools of language.
They can, at best, describe their interpretations or impressions.
Language is a tool of limitation, feeling, on the other hand,
is an antidote to limitation that permits the human instrument
to leap over the boundaries of the logical mind and witness first hand the
worldless power of collective energy individuated.
Althought i am grateful to have such modern means of
communication as email, telephone and letters, it is no
substitute for human contact of the physical form..
-Sausages/Franks from the line -Vegetables from the line -A Bird -Garlic -Sazon -Equal Sweetener -Chicken soup seasoning -Mustard -Ketchup -Honey -Rice
------------------------------
-Slice Frank into small piece while dodging a barrage of retarded penis references. Place onto some brown paper, dash a little salt an pepper on the top.
-Chop up a load of garlic. Just like they do in Goodfellas. Be careful though.
-Find plaster for cut finger, if you fail in doing so, do as i do an fashion one from a piece of tissue paper and a sticky label from some deodorant or whatever you have near the scene.
-Take meat off bone (shut up) an place piece in a bowl. Fill up the bowl with hot water an wash the pieces of chicken. Remove greasy water, add two packs of mustard, one pack of ketchup, a pack of Sazon seasoning and an equal sweetener. Throw some of the chopped up bloody garlic in with a little water, stir profusely.
-Snuff your way to the front of the microwave line.
"Hijo de puta.."
-Nuke franks for about two minutes, until they start poppin' an hissin'.
-Add boiling water to bag of pre-cooked rice, pour in a pack of sazon seasoning, chicken soup seasoning pack and the rest of the garlic. Let it sit. When rice is done, put it in a bowl and mix in the vegetables, the heat from the rice will warm them, throw in 'fried' franks, nuke for two minutes.
-Have huge argument that almost erupts into a fight with an elderly man who took your bowl out of the microwave. Even though the food had finished cooking, in jail this is a HUGE violation..
"Callate, marica! No debes esta en la cocina!"
-Find interpreter for Spanish individual who up until two minutes ago could fluently speak English but now doesn't understand anything you say.
"Sus amigos con el negro grande no los molestes.."
-Squash retarded beef.
"Maricon!"
-Add a little salt and pepper to rice an whack your bird into the bowl, for a finishing touch put a little honey into the rice.
After hours of aimlessly walking around my ends, i decide to return home an make some coffee.
I'm down to two cups a day.
One regular.
One decaf.
:D
After less than twenty steps, my treck back to the crib is complete.
It's always nice to be greeted by a familiar face..
This one happens to be smiling, eyes closed, moving its head from side to side while this is blaring out the radio..
He has been busy..
The room stinks of shit.
He's reading a newspaper.
The gossip section.
"Yo my dog, i'd like to throw an ounce of cum in Brooklyn Deckers face, tell that n****r Andy Roddick to wipe that shit off with a tennis racket..Word"
He has a point.
I clock the flick he's looking at..
This displeases him greatly..
"LOOK AT THIS N****R PEEKIN'! FUCK OUTTA HERE!"
Ok.
:/
Before i leave i might as well offer him something to read..
"FUCK 'Ham an Rye', im'a finnish this Gotti Joint.."
He waves the wripped off cover of a mafia book in the air, closes his eyes an continues dancing..
Bless.
"If you posses this inner quality, a calmness of mind, a degree of stability within, then even if you lack various external facilities that you would normally consider necessary for happyness, it is still possible to live a happy and joyful life" - HH Dalai Lama
I'm doing 'hard time' at the moment, i figured spending as much of that sleeping ain't a bad look?
If i get woken up, especifically if it could've been avoided, i get real fuckin' pissed..
This seems to be happening more frequently, by someone that for some god-forsake reason keeps doing the same retarded fucking shit every fucking morning..
Scratching my face with a pencil.
Then when i wake up, feverishly scratching my beard/nose/moustache, he hides under the bed..
It's LONG!
He'll do this shit for HOURS until i catch him..
Pencil in hand..
Millimertres away from my face, with a child-like grin slapped all over his Chevy Chase..
Either that or i'll wake up an, sensing that something non-kosher is about to go down,
"I KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE DOIN! FOR FUCK SAKE!"
An low an behold, this silly motherfucker starts 'woo woo woo' an 'kee kee kee'in from under the bed where he was waiting to do some stupid shit..
Div..
ANYWAY..
Today this was not the case..
I was woken up by one of my brothers, who told me to get dressed an make some coffee.
So i did.
A couple minutes later, we're breathin' clean, cold morning air..
My eyes are shocked by the brightness of the natural light..
It's good though..
I shake off the excess coffee i spilled all over my coffee mug, take a couple cautious sips, an slowly start shuffling my way around the outskirts of a big ass square with my freind..
We've walked this motherfucker in the sun, snow and rain..
Summer, autumn and winter..
Sharing stories, jokes, aspirations, points of view..
This picturesque scene comes around every month or so, two men, from COMPLETELY opposite walks of life..
Walking..
Talking..
Drinking coffee..
Discussing life.
It's nice..
After exchanging a few mutual observations on how beautiful it is to be up at this time of the morning, to be able to start the day with our lungs full of fresh air and a little sunlight, a little more coffee gets sipped, and the conversation starts to effortlessy flow..
I try to read while in here.
Mostly self-help books.
I like to observe people, especially their reactions and what directs them to act in a certain way.
Looking over my own behaviour, thoughts and the way i translate and react to situations has been a fucking HUGE part of how i've spent the last nineteen months.
That and feverishly masterbating..
Huddled in the corner of a dark room, slowly squeezing my dried up testicles until a thick dark grey mass of dead sperm leaks out the end of my dirty dick..
But for now, that's besides the point..
So..
My experiences in the United States, both in the street and behind bars, all the different people i have met and continue to meet on a daily basis, has shaped a lot of things for me and also raised a lot of interesting questions for me about society and what shapes us, these questions constantly effect the way i view the people around me, how i interact with them and also how i translate their behaviour towards me.
"when dealing with others on any level, if you're having some difficulties, it's extremely helpful to be able to try to put yourself in the other persons place and see how you would react to the situation. Even if you have no common experience or have a very different lifestyle, you can try to do this through imagination. This technique involes the capacity to temporarily suspend insisting on your own viewpoint but rather to look from the other person perspective, to imagine what would be the situation if you were in his shoes, how you would deal with this" - The Dala Lama
Recently i have become fascinated with the topic of parenthood and the effects that your upbringing has on forming you as an adult and your outlook on the world, yourself, your surroundings and your future.
I feel that both parents play, or are supposed to play, vital roles in helping shape a childs value system, self-esteem, morals, teaching them about the world.
Nevermind teaching..
As a parent, just being AROUND your child can have a HUGE impact on how it views the world and its own self-worth, how it develops its own sets of values and principles and the profound impact this has on a child is something that is neglected or not focussed on enough in society.
The importance of the family unit seems to be fading, less and less people seem to take the rask of raising their children as something that they are supposed to do, more of an optional task with questionable importance.
As a baby you are brought into this world innoccent, gentle, you did not choose to be here, so to have one or even both the people who made you neglect their responsibility to raise you..
And you are aware of this?
When i try to think about how that would make me feel, if i genuinely thought my parents did not deem their offspring, the most precious thing you can create on this earth, worthy of their time and attention..
Well..
No child deserves to go through that.
Every human being deserves to be nurtured in a loving environment.
The world around me, it seems like the attitude of being 'out for yourself' just keeps rolling..
People are less and less obliged to take care of their children to be the best of their ability and instead just do what's best for them as individuals, from what i have seen over the years, from all the different people i have met and spoken to about their upbringing, this seems very common and generally accepted in society at the moment.
It's not the behaviour or the thinking patterns of the parents that have me most concerned, but the effects on the child and how it inevitably shapes their future, aspirations, relationships and ultimately how they will go on in life, treat the people around them, even raise their own children someday..
"The formation of identity, of course, continues to develop throughout childhood and adolescents as the child comes into contact with the world. People's sense of who they are comes about as the result of developing internal representations, formed in large part by reflections of their early interactions with the important people in their lives, and reflections of their role in society in general" - Howard C. Cutler
I cautiously look to my right to clock if my brother is listening..
He's looking down into his coffee cup..
Sensing that i'm getting a little worried whether to continue, he unveils a tremendously huge yellow grin an puts his weathered hand on my shoulder..
"Talk bro, i'm listenin'.."
:D
Ok.
....
I pause for a couple moments..
Perhaps in an attempt to show he has been paying attention to the conversation, my brother throws in his two cents..
"Teem..you know most bitches don' even breast feed their bebeez anymore? That shit is a bonding ting b'tween modder an child, bitches be like, 'nah tha's gross!' When yor kid grows up an punches you in the fockin' face, now you know wahy! Stupid bitch!"
:/
Ok..
In his own unique, overly aggressive way..
He did have a point.
The bond between parent and child seems to also be going out the fucking window too, instead of being look at as a guardian, admired, respected, influential, the modern day parents seems to be blurring the lines between baby-sitter and an older freind..
I went on to explain to my freind how important i see this topic and the role of showing a young child, particularly those who do not have active parents or siblings in their lives, that they are valued, important, show them some kind of compassion, doing something, anything, to instil hope and belief in their own self-worth, in turn helping to insure a positive future for that child instead of growing up distant from the world, with an attitude that only cultivates future children to be raised in an environment where they have nowhere to look for a positive role model and in turn go out into the world with a frame of mind focussed solely on themselves..
"Anger, violence and agression certainly arise, but i think it's on a secondary or more superficial level ; In a sense, they arise when we are frustrated in our efforts to achieve love and affection. They are not part of our basic underlying nature" - Howard C. Cutler
I seem to have struck a chord with my brother..
He stops dead in his tracks..
Stands up straight an tilts his head to one side with a look on his face like he just drank a cup of piss..
He leans towards me, slowly shaking a very wrinkled finger in my face in a very dramatic fashion..
This should be good..
"Teem, do you have any fokin' idea how much a young kid would appreciate you spending some time wid dem? Teaching a kid how to draw, takin' them to da fockin' movies, a kid wid no brudders, no fadder, if you did that for a kid, you have any idea how much that sheet would mean to dem?"
He clasped both hands on his coffee cup, kisses his teeth, shook his head, an we both resumed pacing our square in silence..
The sun is creeping through the grey sky above us..
The morning air tastes crisp and clean..
I sip my coffee, listen to the radio and think about what my brother had to say..
Woke up at about four in the fuckin' morning with
a bladder full of piss, it was real cold too..
Didn't take long for me to realize that my throat
was SUPER fucked, couldn't sleep for hours after
that either..
Head was pounding..
All my joints felt rusted..
It fucking SUCKED.
I did FINALLY drop off into a deep sleep around 7am..
From what i recall i dreamt i was in Turkey with my parents,
it was real cool but didn't last very long as i got woke up by
an astronomical smash, someone took it upon themselves to
punch my matress with brute force an accompany it by shouting,
"MUNG!"
Thing is though,
when i opened my eyes an focused i wasn't pissed as all i saw
was a big bowl of soup an someone that gave a shit that i was ill,
an wanted to help me..
"Here kid, fuck this shit up"
-Two packs of chicken noodles
-One clover of garlic
-Crushed up saltine crackers
-Boiling water
Oh an a glass of ice water to wash it down, that shit really helped,
i'll admit i wasn't hungry in the slightest but still, he made it,
least i could do was eat a little bit..it didn't taste too bad either!
I think this was around eleven in the morning,
after it's consumption i literally slept (on and off) until SIX
in the evening! Crazy right?
People kept comin' in to check on me throughout the day too,
one dude brought me a bag full of tea bags, another a couple shots of coffee,
others just made an appearance, spat some stupidity, then left..
"Move over n****r! You got room for two up in the motherfucker!"
:/
Retards..
Anyways when i finally awoke, again,
i was greeted by ANOTHER bowl of soup..
-Two packs of chicken noodles
-Carrots
-Pieces of chicken
-One clove of garlic
-Too much butter
Yeah..
The butter was too much,
even yammin' it slowly with lots of sips a water,
every spoon had me seconds away from barfing all
over the table..
"Yo you better eat all that shit! Make SURE that silly n****r finishes
ALL that fucking shit!"
:/
I tried.
I really did.
The combo of bare garlic an butter was too much,
i think i managed about half (quarter) of the bowl then
with expert timing, dashed the rest in the toilet..
By this point i was starting to feel a little better..
I pulled myself out of bed, got dressed an went
for a brisk evening stroll..
After checking an sending a few emails,
i went an chilled with an Austrian dude who
i'm pretty cool with..
He's real funny..
"Hey Teemy, wha's poppin'?"
:D
One of my freinds, a dude from the Bronx,
has been teaching him slang for the last
few weeks..
"Wha's crackin' jack?"
"Nothin', wots good with you?"
"I can(t) call, I can(t) call it Teemy,
if i call it i might'a spoil it"
:)
Ok..
Time to really fix up..
Shower an a shave..
(an a shit)
While standing under the water,
scrubbing my back, crack an balls with a bar of soap,
i couldn't help think back to a time when i would be
washing myself with an actual SPONGE..
I remember i used to have this fuckin' DOPE pistachio
show gel, shit used to smell sooo good, i remember i would
just stand there smelling the motherfucker..
Compare that to a prison shower and a bar of soap..
OK!
Time to shake that dumb shit off,
keep on keepin' on..
I look, feel and smell a hell of a lot better,
i'm standing in front of the mirror admiring my handywork..
I look good!
:)
An here i am..
Hours later..
Sat cross-legged on my rug,
admiring the remnants of a cold cup of coffee,
enjoying the peaceful silence that comes with being
awake at three in the morning.
I've been asleep for most of the day,
i'm not even remotely tired..
Not in the slightest..
At least there's some good tunes on the radio.
Oh dear..
"WHAT TIME IS IT!?"
"erm i think it's two"
"THREE!?"
"..you want me to cut the light out?"
"FUCK YEAH! WHAT THE FUCK, YOU WRITIN' A MOTHERFUCKIN' SEX MOVIE!?"
The simple fact that ink is drooling from this pen onto paper,
in of all settings, a New York Federal Prison, it seems pretty
apparent that i make mistakes.
Notable ones.
Somebody fragrant once told me,
"As a man you should have no regrets, simply learn
from your mistakes and move on"
Althought i'd like to stick my chest out and swear blindly
to the above statement, i'd be lying.
I have regrets.
Coming to jail is not actually on this list suprisingly small list,
it's simply a repercussion of extreme stupidity and negligence
on my behalf.
I was stupid.
Now i know to be smarter in the future.
Simple stuff!
For a simple brain.
It's always easier to make light of a situation than to truly accept it.
Instead of actually adressing certain issues that have hung over my head
like a scatty nappy, it's been way too easy for me to instead write about
someone waking me up in the morning..
"Yo"
"YO DOG!"
"TIMDOG!
"YO TIMDOG!"
"LOOK! TIMDOG!"
I turn over.
Open eyelids.
They pull their pants down.
And while still standing.
spray the toilet seat with shit.
:/
Easy peasy..
"Repression of our fears and feelings provides the major distortion,
because we delude ourselves into believing our own self-deception" - David Icke
There are no magic answers as to how you should deal with your incarceration
or the best way to move forward with your life, how to handle painful events that you've
been through..
There are no definitive answers to how you should act, think and behave in order
to progress as a human being in a difficult situation..
Whether your time is spent trying to grow and learn from your mistakes..
Repeating the same behavioural patterns that
landed you in the shit in the first place..
Or furiously masterbating over fully-clothed cut-out images
of non-sexual civilians extracted from mundane publications
passed from one sperm donor to the next in an olympically
fast, sticky handed relay of epic masterbation..
..It's is all a matter of personal preference.
"You empower yourself with love and respect, letting go of standards of perfection and refusing
to use up the precious currency of your life, the new, with thoughts that only continue to frustrate
and weaken you. Instead you can vow to be better than you used to be" - Wayne Dier
I question how much i've learnt in here,
at times i feel like i have progressed a lot as a human being,
confronted a lot of problems that have been dogging me (shut up not funny)
over the years and behavioural patterns that seem to only bring a perpetual cycle of
disapointment and annoyance, i guess each day in here a new conclusion
comes and goes..
There are good days in here and bad days, i call them funk days,
it'll be a couple of days in a row where you just think everything is fucked,
this will never end and that the world outside is a distant dream that you/i
will never eventually reach. Pushing through this shit, having a little patience,
you get through it in the end. Keeping busy and not having negative conversations
is a pretty good way to start, other than that i guess it's only natural to have these
kind of days, everyday can't be filled with happyness, positivety and hope when
you're waking up, again, in the same place you have been for 18 months and still
have no idea when you'll can come home..
Despite all the Buddhist texts and self help books i have read during my incarceration,
all of the positive words and self-affirming quotes that i try to surround myself with,
some days my thoughts are so hard to control that i feel like i havn't learnt anything
at all and just got better at bullshitting myself, sounding like i'm this new person who
has left the past behind and is grazing new pastures, in reality i really don't know if
that's the case sometimes.
I still have anger inside of me. I don't want this to turn to bitterness but it's really hard,
ok i know that this won't last forever and that i'll be returning to a whole new life outside
complete with a new physique and a SHITLOAD of life experience under my belt, so much
so i can't even start to tell you about, but somedays all i can think about is the people who
fucked off and how fucked this situation is, it's like some kind of crazy fucking nightmare
that doesn't happen to real people..at least i thought it didn't anyway.
Up until recently i used to get really pissed when people would email me or write to me and
tell me about shit they were doing, i'd get pissed reading books about people travelling places
or getting upto interesting shit, i'm being honest, shit would get me mad. I didn't want to
fucking hear about that, i can't do a damn fucking thing, for fuck knows how long, so why
the fuck are you going to tell me about shit that is completely foreign to me? I thought about
it like a millionaire going and slapping a tramp with a wad of cash in the street, or showing
him a photo album of all the properties and prostitutes under his belt, why the fuck would
you want to see that?
In time though you start to see things a little different,
i used to get all in a funk when i would think about the life i had in Brooklyn, the apartment i
was cotching in, the person i was putting my dick in, an would get angry at the fact that it's
all gone and that i won't ever be able to get that shit back, it's like i had convinced myself that
it was the pinacle of existence, that things don't get better..which when i'm thinking clearly
and realistically is so so stupid. It happens though. Being in such confined spaces and having most
of your senses blocked of any kind of real stimulation, you start to get fried..an one of the biggest
side effects i have had is churning the same thoughts, the what-ifs, should'ves, could'ves,
until it feels like my brain is about to fucking explode..but i guess that's the whole point..
It was only recently when someone sent me an email talking about some shit back in London
that i actually started to appreciate people telling me what they where doing. I actually started to
understand a little more, my vision got a little broader. Of course these people are not trying or
have any intention of causing me misery or pissing me off, they are just doing what normal people
do, talking about things in their lives that they deem interesting or think that i would enjoy. Again
there is an important word in the last sentance, normal.
I would get angry sometimes looking at people on tv, watching people act like idiots and do stupid
shit, my reaction to it would be of a very bitter and twisted approach, i would come out with such
lines as "These people don't have a fucking CLUE about real life" and other lines of equal retardation..
My problem, let me take that back, ONE of my problems,
i forget that i'm looking at the world through MY pair of eyes, i'm making decisions based on MY conscience
and all of these things have been formed by the experiences i have PERSONALLY been through in life and
what i was taught in MY upbringing. Someone brought up an interesting theory to me recently, there is no
'wrong' or 'bad' behaviour in this world, when you think that someone has wronged you or done something
specifically bad towards you, that isn't the case, that if you had experienced everything in their life that
they had been through up until that point, you would make the exact same decision. Interesting. I'm unsure
if i completely agree with that as it, in my view, simply gives people a 'get out of jail' (how ironic) card for
whenever they do anything fucked up, which isn't right. I don't know, i found what he said interesting so
i thought i'd share it with you, translate it how you will.
As far as me getting pissed at shit, like i said, i forget that i have my own viewpoint of the world. In a moment
of common sense it's obvious to me that people who have lived a 9-5 life and have had steady tax paying jobs
all their lives, live in the same place they were brought up and do everything as they were told to do in school are
obviously NOT going to see life the same way as me, they have a different paradigm (i think that's the right word)
than me and to assume anything different is a fruitless use of my mind and emotions. Seems obvious but i still
have trouble with it sometimes, like i said, some days are easy and some are not so easy.
Despite all of the time spent in here,
there is still a part of me that is angry and i don't know when that will subside, if ever, it seems likely
that in the future due to me being outside (FINALLY) and having all the options in the world at my fingertips
that i will be able to let this all go, up until then i really don't know. I'm pissed at what these people did to me
and while i'm still held in here while others are and not, i feel it's only natural for me to be pissed. Maybe i'm
just having problems still letting go of attachments to the fantasy-like existence i thought i was living, i really
don't know..i just know that some days i feel like a new person who has moved onto a standard of living way
higher than i achieved in the street, other days i just feel like i'm rotting away in here and my mind is the
slowly starting to go down the toilet..but again..i guess that's the whole point..
The good thing though is when you have break-through moments, like when i read this certain email recently,
hearing about all this good shit that was happening out there suddenly didn't piss me off or make me feel like
i was having shit slapped in my face, it actually made me optimistic. It was a reminder of exactly how much
is out there in the world and how stupid i was for glorifying a life that really was far, FAR from ideal. It was a
fun life, but one that eventually was going to end in some kind of explosive disaster..now when i hear from people
i talk to in different places, when they tell me about the new places they have visited, the shit they get upto,
it's cool..
"Timdog if you can buy milk outside, why would you keep a cow in your house?"
-----------------------
"Son, you look 19 years old, don' ever fuckin' cut your beard that short"
"Yeah? Most people tell me it looks better!"
"That's 'cos n****rs want you to look sexy, like Beyonce"
-----------------------
"Yo my n****r, i ain't done SHIT! I'm chillin', i see cops rollin' up so i drop the hammer,
these motherfuckers throw me up on the wall, find the hammer, an try sayin' it's MINE,
how the FUCK is that my shit.."
----------------------
"No you wouldn't. I've had Streetfighter since it came out on the SNES, that's, like, 1990,
like 20 years ago or some shit, you wouldn't."
"fuck all that shit my n****r, This is 19-90-12 motherfucker!"
---------------------
"Look at these two wrinkled up crackers"
---------------------
"Bunkie, you know why woman talk so much? Because they have a four lips"
---------------------
"My back hurts. I was running. In the cemetery. Somebody wasn't dead, he woke up. It was chaos."
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