The Beginning

It is a Thursday night, it's raining, and i get home from a sick night out with a hot tomato (who was not my wife)..
 Unsuprisingly there is no food in my apartment, so my last meal consists of crackers, soup and a downloaded copy of Desperado.
 6AM comes, and i am kindly woken by shotgun toting Secret Service against, who are screaming at me and are adamant that my name is Douglas Quade. I try to tell them they are mistaken, they have got the wrong house, and my name is Houser. They don't see the funny side. So i'm arrested.
 After hours of pointless interogation at their porkys secret HQ, i am assigned a piece of shit attorney, who purposely fucks up any chance of me getting bail. Nice one.
 Off to MCC New York, located in Manhatton, just by Church Street, not far from were i got married two months earlier! From my stay in New York City, i have lived in Coney Island, Queens, Brooklyn, now Manhatton. All that's left is the Bronx and Harlem, and i've done it all...

 The first thing i am greeted with is a strip search, then given a Guantanamo Bay style orange jumpsuit. They give you orange when you first come in to shock you. I thought the colour was live, but whatever. As this is a pre-trial facility, it is rammo. So initially, you are put into the SHU, which means solitary confinement. Ironically, for existing inmates this is used as a form of punishment.
 The two people who i am waiting to find who i will be sharing a cell with..One is most people's nightmare scenario, a 7ft tall jailbird who is looking at me like i'm a playboy bunny. The other is an extradited dude from Russia, who looks like coughing would crack his own ribs. Luckily, god threw me a bone!
 Our cell is tiny, freezing cold, an the toilet is conveniently placed in a position so you have no other choice other than being confronted by your cellmate squeezing out a turd every time you need to go. I see mice and rats, but that doesn't bother me too much..it's only when one morning i am awoken to a russian accent screaming 'oh my gad!' , i see what looks like an extra from Joes Apartment. In my whole time in NYC, i'd never seen anything like it. It was like a Lion bar with legs and antenna.
 DRY!
After ten long days in the SHU, being locked up almost 24 hours a day, it's time to go to general population..
 General Population..for an Englishman in New York, is pretty daunting to say the least. I am imagining the scene from Tango and Cash when they first go into General population 'HEY CASH I'M GONNA PUT BROWN SUGAR IN YO ASS'..
 First, i am sent to 11North. The atmosphere isn't good, everyone is staunched the fuck out. The cell they put me in already has someone in, i don't see him at first so unload all of my shit and take a shower. About an hour last, my russian freind says 'have you seen your cellmate? He looks like maniac'..I look over, and see a 50-70 year old man with scars all over his face, and looks like he would have no problem chewing a baby to death. I feel like i have been instantly transported from MCC New York to Skidsville tennesse.
 "Guvercin, pack your shit up, you're going to 9North"
thank FUCK for that..
 9North is a very different unit. When i get there, i hear people laughing..and one dude dances across the floor to greet me to the unit. I am literally the only white person in the whole unit..Which isn't a problem for me, i was hoping..
 After a few weeks of being called a Cracker and a piece of shit white devil, I am informed that i am no longer white, i am black, and that my name is now TimDog.
 Life on the unit isn't too bad, you just have to make the most of your time and try and stay positive, and NOT stress about your case or anything else out of your control. You are free to leave your cell most of the day, and can use the phones and email at almost anytime to get through to your people..

 And currently, for now, this is my home. The hardest thing for me is being alone. I hardly know anyone in this country, the few people i did know mostly turned out to be very bad people indeed, meaning no visits and no real contact.
 But i can do this.
I have dealt with worse in my life, and come out stronger and wiser. And this is merely a learning experience, one that i started learning from, from day one.
 I am in this jail because i consciously decided to live a life without excuses, boundaries and unlimited posibilities.
These fucking pigs will never experience a fraction of the things i have done, and will do with my life..and they will pay on their deathbeds for their corporate cocksucking existences.