Sunday night too

Am i bugged out for simply putting peanuts in my peanut butter sandwich?

:/

I didn't think so..

It's late..

A late Sunday night..

A HOT Sunday night actually!

It probably wasn't my wisest of decisions to sit here with sweat
dripping down my legs due to me flossing some chopped up sweatpants,
but my shorts are in my locker under the bed..

Last time i made my way down there to get something,
my brother farted in my face, so for now I'm just going to
brave the heat and enjoy not having to smell shit..

It's been a challenging few days recently..

This whole situation is SO so fucked,
so much more fucked than you can ever imagine,
at times it does get to me, things get very overwhelming
and i feel like it's a bit too much to take on..

What makes thing even more crazy is i KNOW no one will EVER
believe any of this shit that I'm going through..

What really has happened and continues to happen..

At least no one outside..

No one that hasn't been into the Federal System..

You might know someone who has been through this,
have a family member or friend that has dealt with this,
but until you've seen it for yourself..

*exhale*

Never mind.

A new week is beginning..

Tomorrow I'm going to try fasting for twenty four hours.

Let's see how that one pans out..

Sunday Night

I don't see stars outside my window.

The sky just looks blank,
drowned out by the lights of the city..

I see a couple of lights on in the building opposite me.

No one is there.

Everyone's asleep..

At home..

I know this as i've stared at the same fucking building
everynight for the past two years.

TRUST me..

There's no one there.

Maybe a couple of SG's working the night shift,
but that's about it..

I think i'd enjoy doing that you know..

Being in an empty building late at night..

I imagine it's very peaceful.

:)

I'm around such loud noise all day long,
it's made me really appreciate the time i get alone.

Well not really alone..

You are never REALLY alone in here..

But i guess it's the times like now,
late at night, when the whole place is silent,
it's little moments like this that i really appreciate..

I lay back and place my feet on the metal wall,
and just stare at the ceiling..

Occasionally glancing out the window..

I let my thoughts run.

Do some exploring.

Sometimes they pick up speed..

Others just hit dead ends..

I'll revisit old topics, things that i've put to the back of my mind,
just to see if i feel differently or have something new to add to it..

I can do this for hours..

Sometimes my thoughts and memories frustrate me though.

When this happens?

It's best to just listen to the radio and take my mind somewhere else..

Or failing that..

Just go to sleep..

thursday

I've started fasting again.

I don't do it for religous reasons or anything,
it just helps me think more clearly sometimes.

I can definitely tell the difference when i talk to people.

If i havn't eaten for about 20 hours or more,
i feel like i can concentrate a lot more on what someone is
saying to me and be a bit more discplined in how i speak
and interact with people.

My thoughts seem to take a backseat when i engage someone,
it helps me to really listen to what the fuck someone is saying
to me instead of what i can respond to them with.

If i do start thinking while they're talking to me,
it's not about what my opinion is on a subject or looking for
something amusing or interesting to say, waiting for them
to stop speaking just so i can blab some Turkish garbage,
it's more about what they are actually trying to get across to me
through their words, body language and reactions.

I guess it's actually about listening,
instead of what i can say.

One thing that's noticably different when i'm fasting
is i think i can point out things other people do that i do
a lot more easily, which is helpful for me.

Whether they're good or bad,
if i'm listening to someone and notice they are behaving in
a certain type of way, it really sticks out.

From this external perspective i can start thinking
about why that person might behave in that certain way and
what they might be able to do to change it to something healthier..

Then apply it to myself.

:)

Perhaps i might not be able to notice these things
without actually looking at someone else, like i wouldn't be
able to notice WHY these things are unhealthy or how it sounds
and looks when you talk and do certain things..

Talking with people,
or when i just listen to someone else speak,
when they say or do something very negative i'll get
this sickly feeling in my stomach or a lump in the back
of my throat.

It's like a voice comes into my head, prodding me in the back.

"You do that"

Whether i thoroughly work on the issue on sling it on the back burner,
at least me being aware of it's presence is a starting block..

It's SOMEthing.

The act of me silently listening to someone instead of butting in,
feeling the need to question their opinion and it's validity or straight up
taking over the conversation,

lets me know i've made some kind of progress.

With the twist of my wrist..

Everyone is glued to the fucking TV's..

Nope..

That finished a couple hours ago..

Not till later tonight..

 

Yep..

Worlds Wildest Police Videos..

I used to watch this show in the town.

In here it's an altogether different experience..

The whole audience in here, well the majority of them at least,
are career criminals who are well versed in car chases,
shootouts and robberies.

Despite currently being locked up,
these people HAVE managed to successfully evade capture,
some of them multiple times, they've been in car chases
and managed to get away from the long arm of the law,
which brings a whole new dynamic to the show..

Commentary.

Whoever is familiar
with the particular crime/scenario on screen,
will give a running commentary of the clip..

Breaking it down..

Step by step..

Explaining what the 'perp' did wrong in his attempts at evading capture,
and what they recommend an individual should do in such a tricky predicament.

This one clip was of an armed robbery.

They had a dude trying to kick in the door to a convenience store,
the owners had already seen him running up to the door with a strap,
an bolted inside, cowering behind the door trying to barricade
themselves in..

The experts verdict?

He explained that when one approaches a predicament of such monumental uncertainty, ones ability to foresee morbidly hazardous pitfalls becomes greatly diminished.

"Silly n****r!! Watch that bitch pull out the snub nose on silly motherfucker"

He was bang on the money though..

The moment the perp got through the door,
the female clerk pulled out a strap and let loose
a barrage of shots into the guys torso.

"BING-BING-BING!! She shot the SHIT out that silly n****r!!"

Indeed she did..

The next clip was from Manchester.

Which had the WHOLE fucking house screaming..

"TIMDOOOG! TIMDOOG! LOOK IT'S TIMDOOG! AHAHAHA!!"

This particular video had some dude who stole a JCB digger..

An proceeded to try and outrun the police in it..

"THIS dope never stood a CHANCE.."

Driving through the countryside..

"THEY put a STOP to this punks heavy metal destruction DERBY.."

Eventually making his way through a cemetery..

"He DUG himself a HOLE, that LEFT HIM BURIED up to his NECK.."

"In JAIL time"

:/

By the time they dragged the dude out of the digger,
everyone was clapping, laughing
and pointing at me..

Idiots.

Interesting reading

"Your body is made of stardust. You are alive because
a star was born and died many billions of years ago; it gave you life.

 The iron in the hemo-globin in your blood travelled trillions upon trillions
of miles through space to play a vital rile in sustaining your metabolism.

 The iron in your blood is over 15 billion years old. In fact, you are a
re-incarnation of that dead star at a higher level of evolution.

The rocks, the earth, the animals, all the creatures on the earth plane,
are made of that same stardust."

"You're a part of a great evolutionary story.

Even though you're human, you haven't completely left the lower evolutions of,
say, animal; and you're not denied access to the higher realms of spirit,
because a part of you is already there.

In fact, you're spread across what may turn out to be countless dimensions
that are hovering  across eternity, growing, suspended in the greater understanding
of the perpetual, omni-present, infinite self." - Stuart Wilde

Five

It's still light outside,
but the sun is starting to go down.

I'm sat on my bed with the light off,
it's kinda dark but the hazey light
from outside has the room dimly lit up,
looks like some kind of male brothel.

Not that i'd know what a male brothel looks like,
i'm just trying to be descriptive.

Mug..

I got the door open too,
it's loud tonight, people are screaming at each other,
slamming pieces of dominoes destined to be inserted
into idiots foreskins onto the tables, all the noise is
being strung together with the air-plane like hum
of the industrial fan..

I've been up since four in the morning.

I'm really tired.

Nothing is really bothering me,
not the stupidity, the cackling of morons laughing,
idiotic slang being thrown back an forth by utter retards,
i'm not paying it no mind.

Any distractions are welcome,
they're stopping me from falling asleep,
so it's all good..

I havn't had a very productive day today.

But that's ok.

:)

It all balances itself out..

Tomorrow i'm sure i'll get back on the horse.

Reading, sketching, working out,
writing some letters, conversing with the public,
same old shit i do every day of the year in here.

But for now..

My eyes are really heavy.

They feel like they're heating up,
and my eyelids are the only thing
that'll cool them down..

Maybe i should take a shower..

That might help..

I grab a towel, a clean pair of draws,
some soap, shampoo, my grey shorts,
and with the last remaining energy in my body,
shuffle my way purely stomped feet into the shower..

Adjusting the temperature of the murky water with the
spermy handle til it's as hot as my melanin-recessive skin can take,
I just stand there for a few minutes under the shower head,
slowly blinking, until the small metal cubicle of masterbation
is full of steam..

Using a brown sock,
i smear very childlike letters all over the polished metal walls,
one after the other, until i'm surrounded by the best
moronic doodlings i have to offer the world..

A quick rub down with the soap
cleans my socks and draws, no working out today so i don't
have to go on sick mode scrubbing my shorts or any other bollocks,
with that out the way, i just relax and try to clear my head a little.

My hair is real short at the moment.

Military short.

:D

It feels good taking a shower with my hair this short,
having super hot water hitting my head like this.

I have my head down, but i'm concentrating
on what's happening outside the shower and what
the surroundings idiots are doing.

People fill up their trash cans with ice to keep sodas cool,
and they find great amusement at throwing the ice water
into the shower when someone is in there.

Dickheads..

I shake my head from side to side like a dog,
and water flies off, from left to right,
buffing all the incredible handstyles.

I take a deep breath..

In through my nose..

an out through my mouth..

Rotating my shoulders and with my head tilted back,
i twist my head and neck from side to side til they both crack,
then let the hot water hit the back of my neck as i repeatedly
crack my knuckles before shaking it off like a dick that's
just finished pissing..

After a quick scrub using my piece of floor buffer,
in between fingers an toes, behind ears, asshole,
balls, wrists, neck, fingernails, back of legs,
soles of feet..

I'm good to go..

Being the clever person i am,
i folded a clean tshirt an tucked
it under my bed yesterday.

I rolled up the sleeves too..

So now i have a tshirt that looks like it's been
stuffed under a jailhouse bed for 24 hours,
or depending which way you look at it, a tshirt
that looks like it might have been ironed.

:/

A little gel in the palm of my head,
i run my boney fingers through my hair
trying to shape it into something that
looks good.

I see a couple more grey hairs..

Funnily enough this doesn't bother me,
I actually like them.

:)

I'm clean..

Hair is done..

Fresh tshirt..

Pair of grey sweat-shorts..

Negotiators..

Time to take this shit for a spin..

I go recline by the empty computers
on some of the blue chairs..

I like just sitting and observing people,
watching their body language and trying to
figure out what they're trying to convey by the
way they're standing, how they dress, the way
they articulate themselves when speaking,
it's interesting.

For me anyway.

No chance for that shit today,
within moments i'm surrounded..

"You wana buy some stamps Timmy?"

Nope.

I really don't.

But i am very bored..

"What they sayin'?"

"Eight bucks"

"I ain't hearin' that"

"Yo CMON Timmy!! You's my man so i'm doin' you a favour!"

"How's that"

"You know they go for nine!!"

"It was my birthday..you should be GIVIN' me them stamps,
how you gonna violate me like that on my birthday.."

"CMON Timmy!!"

"Seven"

"Huh?"

"My hearin' is fucked up..I thought you said Seven. I'll take it for seven."

"My n****r!! I got peeps that would buy this shit for eight!!"

"A'ight"

"For real!!"

"If you did they'd be sold"

"DON' do me like that Timmy.."

"I ain't doin' SHIT, i'm just sayin', i got bad hearin',
an i ain't hearin' eight bucks for some stamps right now"

To be honest..

I had no intention of buying them.

I don't think he even really wanted to sell them either.

Anyways..

The day is drawing to a close..

Thanks to some birthday loot from my parents,
I got coffee shooting out my asshole at the moment,
some new kid asks if i can bust him a shot as he ain't got shit..

No problemo..

With my good deed of the day done and dust,
i make a couple of peanut butter sandwhiches,
a mug of ice coffee, put on my radio and bust my
headphones onto the one remaining good ear i got,
an kick back..

I'm surrounded by bullshit.

Papers..

Letters..

Half completed replies to letters..

Some notebooks..

PURE bullshit..

Today has not been the most productive of days.

Things like this used to annoy me.

When i would think i've wasted a day or just spend time concentrating on
little aspects that could've gone better or things i could have put more effort into,
it would piss me off, i'd get mad with myself for not doing as good as i could have.

it's a waste of time though,
it doesn't actually change anything and you don't learn anything from it either,
other than how to put yourself down which helps nobody. Concentrating on things you
could've done better, replaying things that you didn't excell at, it never puts you into a
frame of mind that will achieve any results, it doesn't put me in a better position to
do better in the future, it's pretty pointless. There's nothing to learn from it.

Planning out how you could spend tomorrow and all the things
you COULD get done, that's a different story, that you CAN turn into
productivity and a healthy point of view.

I understand that i cant spend every single day in here running around
and swinging off pullup bars, creating mass amounts of texts, creating groundbreaking
(for me) sketches that push me in different, unknown directs, it's not possible for me
to be a walking beacon of positivity every single hour of the day, bouncing around the jail
with a smile on my face helping anyone and everyone with every concievable problem
they might be facing..

It's impossible.

Things balance themselves out..

Instead of fighting to do a thousand and one things every single day,
filling every waking hour with productivity and constantly keeping my mind busy,
i'm aware that sometimes i need rest and i can't be at the top of my game every single
waking moment, if i was i'm sure sooner or later i'd implode and that would not be a
good look.

Sometimes i need rest..

Instead of concentrating on the simple fact that i did not spend the day doing anything
other than eating, sleeping, scratching, jerking, talking, typing and squeezing fecal dusted
bursts of gas out my asshole and how unproductive it was, it's better to look at tomorrow
and, if i'm blessed to actually recieve another day on this earth, how i could spend it,
who i could spend it with and what i would tell them, what i could do that would be helpful
for me and the people around me and ultimately the steps i can take that will insure when
i touch the town i do it in the best way possible..

It's all about finding balance.

At times i find it very difficult though..

I have a rather unhealthy way of thinking everything is either great or everything
is super fucked, i will either do everything i can in a day or doing nothing at all,
i'm either extremely happy or feeling like it's the end of the world, it's never in the middle,
the middle ground is where a lot of people find this balance and cope with jailtime easiest,
but to me i find this really boring and a pretty bland way to go through life,
even if it does make incarceration easier to cope with.

Living a pretty neutral life is not something that appeals to me,
stupidly enough, even if it's in my best interests and would lead to
a lot healthier existence..

At least mentally..

After a day that is spent doing absolutely fuck all,
when i lay back at night making notes, drinking coffee and
listening to whatever is playing on the radio, i get some kind
of weird satisfaction from looking back at my day of rest and
comparing it to all the things that i might be able to get done
tomorrow, i compare the little amount i did today with the
huge amount of things that i could do tomorrow, might sound
a little bugged out but it gives me some kind of excitement as
to what the next twenty four hours will bring..

And what i can do with it.

No i'm not forty you dick

It's about five in the morning..

An I wake to see a huge figure towering over me..

The whole room is pitch black..

Silent.

This does not look good..

Out of the darkness come a deep..

Silky smooth voice..

Slowly crooning away..

Like a soured up Barry white..

It's only my brother.

:)

It might be five in the morning..

I might be tired as a MOTHER fucker..

But I can't be mad at him.

At least he remembered!!

Later that morning i wake up at about noon.

I feel fresh!!

I got my haircut yesterday

"Oh SHIT!! My n****r Timdog got the birthday shape-up!!"

Yep.

:D

I did it for ME THOUGH..

NOT..

According to popular belief..

Because i have a 'sexy boy' coming to visit me.

Fucking retards..

I jump out of bed,
throw on my custom-fit jumpsuit,
comb hair, wash face, brush teeth,
grab my balls and while still cupping them
in my right paw, i go forth,
an embrace the day..

The sun is shining today.

Everybody seems in good spirits!

When mans ask me why i'm smiling,
i tell them it's my birthday.

That seems to make them happy too.

"MY N****R!!"

:D

By the time i've eaten my chicken patty lunch,
all types of people are giving me pounds an slaps on the back.

Which is appreciated!

Apart from when it's with a clenched fist into my spine.

With great force.

C'mon now..

My order from the store comes back,
so i got me a locker full of PURE SHIT.

A couple banana pudding cupcakes..

Gas relief tablets..

Hemorroid ointment..

All the good shit.

:D

First off?

I apply a healthy wad of ointment onto my index finger,
and proceed to smear it around my swollen pink asshole.

Only kidding.

I brewed a HENCH mug of coffee..

Once it's at drinking temperature,
i kick back with a cupcake an take some time out
to chill with my brother.

We talk.

Reminisce.

This is my second birthday we've celebrated.

In the same fucking cell..

We talk about all that's transpired in the last year,
It's been very eventful.

:)

(More than you could ever imagine)

We both share our thoughts on it all.

I fart..

He farts..

It's nice.

I bought a shitload of ingredients so our boy could cook us
a meal tonight, before keys turn in the door, chef turns up
right on time to collect his supplies.

I ask him where the FUCK my birthday present is.

He bends over in the doorway..

"be GENTLE motherFUCKER!!"

Idiot.

I'm laying in bed..

Arms folded behind my head..

Occasionally glancing out the window..

It's bright outside.

:)

I'm thinking about my people..

My parents, family, loved ones,
i'm hoping they're enjoying their day and
the sun is shining wherever they are..

I'm hoping that they eat an drink something
nice today and that wherever they might be,
whatever they're doing,
they're enjoying life..

Just as my mid-day ponderations start to teeter on
the brink of murky waters..

An asshole strains.

Fecal dusted gas is released into the air.

An thankfully..

The door is opened.

As i got my boy slaving away on my birthday bullshit,
i wanna do something productive with my spare time,
so i round up a Panamanian and a Spanish dude from..

"I dunno where that n****rs from!! They jus' call that Spanish n****r Bodega"

So yeah..

I find me another Spaniard,
an we go get some money..

Nothing too crazy..

My arm is still ultra fucked up, so we decide to do mostly core exercises, front and side planks, squats, lunges, five sets of all them shits, then these fucking INsane situps where you basically lay on a couple of blocks elevated off the floor,
you're positioned with the blocks on your waist and legs while the top half of you dangles off the structure, while someone holds your legs down you bring the top half of you up so you're in a straight line, reps of 30 or more, backwards situps is the best way i can describe this shit..

The shit was fucking CRAZY..

Me an Panama are trying to outdo each other too,
each time he did it in the other Spanish dude kept shouting,

"marta! MARTA! MAARTAA!!"

Which was making Panama's eyes bulge out his head an
go into fucking FLIP mode..

"That's his girlfreind's name!!"

We finish..

I take a quick shower..

Scrub my clothes..

Throw on an ALMOST cripsy clean t-shirt,
then went an checked my emails.

Sandie, Gabrielle, Alex Batty, Theo, Sykes, Albert, Mum n Dad, Lynne, Zavey,
Revekka and Chad..

Thankyou for your kind emails!!

Much love to you all for the nice messages, really appreciated
hearing from everyone and i hope they had a good day too..

As i was tapping away i heard my name called in the background..

This happens a thousand times a day.

As this call didn't inclued 'dog' or 'white' or 'cracker' or 'boogie'
i knew it came from 'THE MAN' who kindly handed me
some letters and cards.

Gabrielle, Tom, Revekka, Jennifer, John and Maureen..

Your cards and letters where the perfect end to my day
and your words meant more than you can imagine..

Keep an eye out for your postman.

:)

Food is ready..

Me and the chef wait for my brother to
finish making salat before we start eating..

The three of us sit at a table..

Clink our plastic mugs of kool-aid,
ice-water and ginger ale..

We're right next to the card table..

Everyone's talking shit..

Its loud, people are laughing, joking,
the fried rice, mac n cheese and mangool
is gettin' yammed..

:/

Despite me having mad love for my freinds
and brothers in here..

We all agree.

Hopefully..

This is the last birthday we'll all be celebrating in here..

"No bullshit my n****r"

Yeah.

Nu bullshit..

It's not past midnight.

My birthday is no more,
i'm now three years away from being thirty,
i've spent ANOTHER born date in Federal prison,
but all in all, i had a very good day today..

Many people outside made the comment to me today,

"You probably won't want to celebrate considering.."

Well..

It made me wonder..

Why?

Why wouldn't i?

I can either celebrate it and be happy,
or don't and be miserable.

It's that simple.

One of them is going to lead to me being in a good mood,
the other i'm going to be pissed.

Of COURSE things are not ideal!

But take look at life in general..

In one way shape or form,
things can ALWAYS be better..

Better places..

More interesting things to do..

Whatever..

If you spend your life constantly craving something more,
or thinking about people that 'have it better' than you in some way,
you're going to lead a life that's constantly striving and you'll never
actually be happy with what you've got.

Despite being in jail..

Thousands of miles away from anyone i know..

Family..

Loved ones..

I DID celebrate my birthday today.

Just like i'm supposed to.

Anyways..

It's over now.

Let's see what tomorrow has in store..