thursday

I've started fasting again.

I don't do it for religous reasons or anything,
it just helps me think more clearly sometimes.

I can definitely tell the difference when i talk to people.

If i havn't eaten for about 20 hours or more,
i feel like i can concentrate a lot more on what someone is
saying to me and be a bit more discplined in how i speak
and interact with people.

My thoughts seem to take a backseat when i engage someone,
it helps me to really listen to what the fuck someone is saying
to me instead of what i can respond to them with.

If i do start thinking while they're talking to me,
it's not about what my opinion is on a subject or looking for
something amusing or interesting to say, waiting for them
to stop speaking just so i can blab some Turkish garbage,
it's more about what they are actually trying to get across to me
through their words, body language and reactions.

I guess it's actually about listening,
instead of what i can say.

One thing that's noticably different when i'm fasting
is i think i can point out things other people do that i do
a lot more easily, which is helpful for me.

Whether they're good or bad,
if i'm listening to someone and notice they are behaving in
a certain type of way, it really sticks out.

From this external perspective i can start thinking
about why that person might behave in that certain way and
what they might be able to do to change it to something healthier..

Then apply it to myself.

:)

Perhaps i might not be able to notice these things
without actually looking at someone else, like i wouldn't be
able to notice WHY these things are unhealthy or how it sounds
and looks when you talk and do certain things..

Talking with people,
or when i just listen to someone else speak,
when they say or do something very negative i'll get
this sickly feeling in my stomach or a lump in the back
of my throat.

It's like a voice comes into my head, prodding me in the back.

"You do that"

Whether i thoroughly work on the issue on sling it on the back burner,
at least me being aware of it's presence is a starting block..

It's SOMEthing.

The act of me silently listening to someone instead of butting in,
feeling the need to question their opinion and it's validity or straight up
taking over the conversation,

lets me know i've made some kind of progress.