6th January 2013

What's up.

I haven't been writing anything recently as I've been busy with legal
work and preparing for my sentencing. Despite the system running,
at best, at a snail's pace, I'm slowly creeping closer to the day where
i will find out if I'm going home or going for a little trip around the
American Penile System.

Around a year and a half ago life used to be very hard for me. Most of my
days where spent in a very difficult state of mind where i would be re-running
what i am going to say to my judge when i see him, the more than reasonable
points i will be bringing up to warrant me going home and just generally spending
a lot of my energy grinding the same thoughts on top of one another for hours,
sometimes days on end.

Thankfully i don't do that anymore but as sentencing is (i hope) looming
in the next month or so i have to pay a lot of attention to the thoughts that
i frequent and whether they are going to lead to anything productive.

When you are handed paperwork that states someone is trying to
shove a ludicrous amount of jail time up your pink arsehole it's only natural that
at first you are going to be mildly concerned. Then reality or common sense
sets in and it's time to start breaking down the situation at hand and seeing
what i can actually do about it and what is out of my control.

I haven't fasted in the past week or two.

My reasoning was that eating properly and getting rest would be good
for me but this week I'll take a day aside to fast. I don't feel disciplined when
i skip it and when i DO actually complete a twenty four hour fast it gives me a
lot of confidence in myself and what i can do. So i think I'll fast tomorrow.

I'm still working out at least five days a week. The cardio routines have been
cut down, mostly due to my inability to run anymore, so they have mostly
been replaced by pull-ups. You can definitely tell I've bulked up this year and
my wings are noticeable. People enjoy slapping them when I'm sitting down.

I don't.

Occasionally I'll pull a blue biro out to knock out a page or two of sketches
but due to my lack of concentration at the moment it's going no further
than scrappy outlines and variations on throwups/handstyles. Those ultra
thick-lined sketches take about four hours to put together because they're
drawn with a biro and i haven't had any kind of inspiration to knock any of
them out for a while now. The last one i did was for my friend Lisa.

I hope you liked it.

:)

I told my bunkie I'd sketch him one to send out to one of his people,
sometime in the next couple of days i should really start hacking away
at it, he's never asked me to do him a sketch for anyone before so i
really should get it done..

My main priority at the moment is looking after myself and preparing for
sentencing. Boog tells me often that it's all about the effort you put into
something and not the outcome that matters. Thinking this way helps me
when i start to get paranoid or anxious about what's going to happen later
this month. When i concentrate on what other people are not doing, or what
i think they should be doing, it can get very stressful. I can't do anything about
it and despite how wrong i perceive their actions it's still out of my control so
not something i should invest my mental energy into. I only have control over
myself so as long as I'm getting everything done that is in my hands..

I was sorting through some of the books i have been sent and came across
one that my friend Timmo sent me early on into my bid.

It has a nice quote in it..

"Somebody should tell us, right at the start of our lives, that we are dying. Then we
might live life to the limit, every minute of every day. Do it! I say. Whatever you want
to do, do it now! There are only so many tomorrows." - Michael Landon

I like this.

The idea of being conscious that you are in the process of dying.

Not in a morbid sense of course..

I'm talking about being conscious that you are dying and having accepted your fate,
think about the frame of mind you would be in. Prioritizing the things you have in your
life would be very easy, naturally things would fall into place, situations that would usually
stir negative feelings would be paid no mind, life would flow and each moment would be
enjoyed for all it is.

Think about it for a moment.