A gauntlet of dark Turkish hair flows
across a vast landscape of cracked flesh,
painted with a thick pattern of elevated
green veins..
The skin that encases this rich European mosaic
of flesh and Ottoman bones is damaged,
clearly struggling to clothe the four shards
of disfigured bone that mark its peak..
Years of chemically altered water and poor
maintenance have taken its toll on skin
that once painted a portrait of laziness and
a lack of work ethic..
Shards of lightning fast brain signals shoot
as a rotation is motioned, unveiling a shiny
plateau of rubber-like flesh that bulges,
vainly trying to alert the owner to damage
and a need to rest..
Four skeletal growths protrude from this
damaged mass of swollen flesh and burn marks,
each one more malnourished than the next,
sporting a vast array of tribal markings and
signs of distress..
:/
Incase you are wondering..
Today i did three hundred and thirty pull-ups.
Yes.
An it was NOT easy..
One of my brothers
has extremely old looking hands.
It gives the impression that in his
forty-odd years of wondering the globe he has experienced a lot in his lifetime,
so if mine appear a little damaged it's of no great concern to me anymore.
Wherever i go and whatever i do with
the rest of my life it will remind me of my
brother and how much he helped me.
Without him the transition from a portly twenty five year old..
"We experience joy in forming the intention to be generous;
we experience joy in the actual act of giving something;
and we experience joy in remembering the fact that we have given" - The Buddha
It's a Sunday and I'm flicking through
the Village Voice newspaper..
On the back page..
A big advert for American Apparel.
It has a very promiscuous looking young lady
draped across what looks like a teachers desk.
She is wearing a flannel shirt..
A denim short skirt..
An *those* thigh-high joints..
It made me smile..
"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty,
to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better,
whether by a healthy child a garden, or a redeemed social condition;
to know even one life has breathed easier because you have live.
This is to have succeeded." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Use your blessings to remind you
of why you should be patient.
:)
You can apply this to many
different situations and scenarios..
Think of all the things you have going on in your life.
Those moments in your day that are peaceful,
or perhaps those times that give you a little excitement.
From that first coffee and cigarette in the morning
to a ten minute lunch break with that much needed
cup of tea..
Little bits and pieces get us through each day,
as life is so fast we don't really acknowledge them as
anything but a part of a daily routine but take a bit of
time to think about how much enjoyment they bring you.
A couple of minutes in your day,
maybe a phone call you made to someone who sounded
happy to hear from your voice and made you laugh,
smile or simply brought a bit of comfort to your day.
If the time was taken to jot down each little piece,
from the simple fact of opening your eyes each morning,
to that warm feeling of knowing there's someone out there
who might take a moment of their day to think of you,
even just a warm ride on the train home to a cooked meal
or the availability of picking up a phone an ordering a curry..
Anything..
No matter who you are in this world,
how much bread you've stacked or what you're doing with your life,
there is always someone out there who would trade places with you
in a heartbeat..
Someone who would LITERALLY
chop their arm off for your problems.
(I met someone who offered to do this who had 25 years to do..I declined..)
When we lose patience in any given circumstance,
i think it is down to us feeling that we have been violated,
like some injustice is currently being done towards us as we
should be experiencing or deserve our wish, want or request
to be fulfilled now rather than later on down the line.
This wish could be anything from a decision being made in
our favour, to a change or circumstance, even just a person
reaction towards us in a certain way that we do not
find pleasurable..
Taking a step back i have to ask myself,
who am i to dictate how that person should behave
towards me?
That they should hold the same views and ideas as me,
culminating as making similar decisions to me?
To expect or perhaps even demand that my satisfaction
is met at the cost of another mans obedience to my rules
instead of his or his ideals and thoughts being put on the
back burner seems kind of retard when i think about it..
Why WOULD he react how I'd like him to?
He's not.
So it's best to simply expect that from the get-go,
no matter whether i view it as right or wrong it doesn't
make any sense to let another's reactions to any given
circumstance effect the way i feel or behave..
It's best to just accept it and concentrate on my OWN actions
and responses rather than concern myself with mysteriously vague and
more often than not completely incoherent and unpredictable behavioue
of the next man.
:)
Life is very short.
A lot of the time it can seem very complex..
(at least we MAKE it complex)
No need to at to it.
When i remind myself of all the positive things that i DO have in
my life it helps to ground me and avoid growing frustrated and
impatient with external circumstances, particularly things i have
no control over and really shouldn't desire control over..
Thinking about the good things i am blessed to have and
experience on a daily basis gives me perspective on whatever
situation i am in and how important it really is..
Building gratitude towards the life you have been given
can only be a good thing, if i can manage to feel content with
my existence while i am in here, that should help me in the future
when it's finally time to leave incarceration behind and come home.
"The first thing we can do is avoid self-condemnation or
the condemnation of those we perceive to be most responsible
for guiding us down the wrong path. Most of them did not mislead
us through malice, but because they, themselves, were misled.
Over many lives we are all responsible for the misunderstandings
and lost spiritual truths of reincarnation, karma, the energy-system,
and a non-judgemental God. We should be seeking solutions,
not scapegoats." - David Icke
I'm being prevented from doing this by a room full of idiots.
Who are NOT funny.
"Yo dog!"
.....
"YO DOG!!"
....
"How you gonna violate Timdog like that? The n****r's tryin'a sleep"
"Nah..Wakin' up to a room full'a black-ass n****r's,
he just glad n****r's ain't TAKIN' that pink hairy ass!!"
...
"Right Timdog?!"
:/
"YOU GOT A FUCKIN' ASSHOLE ON YOUR FACE AN A BIG PUSSY IN YOUR DRAWS"
"know how to make use of stupidity: The wisest man plays this card at times.
There are occasions when the highest wisdom consists in appearing not to know-
you must not be ignorant but capable of playing it. It is not much good being wise
among fools and sane among lunatics. He who poses as a fool is not a fool.
The best way to be well received by all is to clothe yourself in the skin
of the dumbest of brutes" - Baltasar Gracian
This means the only thing i have to eat with
my cup of sugarless coffee is a pack of
brown dry Bran Flakes..
It has some big writing of the front of the pack.
"Helps to improve your digestive system"
I think this means I'm going to take
a big shit tomorrow..
Should be fun!!
:D
Staring out into a cold afternoon in New York City..
Far away in one of the opposite buildings..
I see a woman standing in front of her window.
"She doin' anythin' freaky?!"
She is an elderly woman.
"she MIGHT put a dick in her mouth.."
Possibly in her sixties or mid seventies.
"N****r..just cos' she OLD don't mean she COLD Motherfucker!!"
She looks well dressed.
"You think JOAN COLLINS don't know her way 'round a DICK!?"
Possibly someone's grandmother.
"Dog..bitches like that was CLOWNIN' n****rs in the 70's!!"
With a graceful swing of a bingo wing..
Curtains close.
"If we define our self-image in terms of what we used to look like or
in terms of what we used to be able to do and can't do now, it is a pretty
safe bet that we won't grow happier as we grow older. Sometimes, the more
we try to hold on the more grotesque and distorted life becomes." - Howard C. Cutler
Only one of my headphones is working right now.
an to make matters worse it's actually the radio that
is buggered an that shit costs forty bucks!!
PISS TAKE!!
It's not really worth forking out for a new one either,
considering it's quite a lot of money and..I doubt it's even worth me buying a new one..
Quite frankly..
I do not have the funds to spend on
that kind of shit right now!!
I got the wondrous news last week that
my coming sentence has been adjourned.
Absolutely amazing news!!
My new sentencing date is..
**Drum Roll**
Januaryyyyy!!
:(
Yeah.
:/
i know..
Best not to look directly at it right now,
staring at something unpleasant isn't a good idea
and i think it would be best to replay the positives
to be taken from this predicament, which would be
that i will have a little more time in under my belt
when i finally DO go under the hammer!!
The prospect of spending another Christmas and
New Years incarcerated in a maximum security
jail is not one that any sane individual would enjoy
but it is the only cards I'm holding right now..
By the time i do get to being sentenced,
i should have around twenty eight months in.
Or something equally as ridiculous..
Which is good.
:)
For the time being,
it's all about keepin' on..
What else am i going to do!!
All in all I'm keeping busy at the moment,
sticking to the routines that I've carved out for myself,
I'm still praying every day and fasting once a week,
things are plodding along..
The hot water konked out earlier last week,
which put a bit of a dampener on my daily workout
as the thought of washing clothes under ice cold water
in extremely cold temperatures didn't really do anything
for me, if anything just THINKING about doing something
so stupid made my dick react very violently..
So yeah I've knocked the working out on the head
for the last couple of days, at least until we get some
hot water or my dick decides to cooperate with the program,
right now it's all about attempting to eat hot meals and drinking
hot liquid (shut the fuck up) even if it's just a teabag with a
slice of orange and a couple packets of jailhouse Kool-Aid!!
I've noticed that things have changed recently,
or should i say that i have somewhat changed
in the last six months. Some of the changes I'm
choosing to label as good and some of them are
things that i know i need to work on.
As i said before I'm still paying a good amount of time on
my spiritual practices, morning and evenings prayers,
when things get very difficult i still take time out to meditate
and get my head back on track, but as a whole it's not as extreme
as it was a while ago.
I'm just sticking to what i know works,
instead of constantly seeking something new,
which i think is good.
There was a time when i most of my day and everything
i did was somehow linked to my spiritual practice,
although i did enjoy this and found this very helpful
in my day to day life, connecting most actions like
this gave a lot of purpose to my life and how i was
living, i felt more worth in my existence in here and
this is why i definitely enjoyed this part of my incarceration,
But i don't feel the need to live like that anymore..
Perhaps it was a little extreme?
It was very enjoyable,
from eating to walking to listening to people talk,
the closest thing i can say to explaining how it felt was,
well it was like i felt very present in everything i was doing,
which i guess is the whole point..
In some ways i miss it.
My mornings where spent alone eating my breakfast in
empty corners, concentrating on each breath that was taken,
acknowledging all the little blessings that had come together
in order for me to be eating my little bowl of oatmeal..
It was cool :)
But perhaps a little extreme..
Perhaps my change in routine signifies progression?
Maybe I'm just fighting change right now,
but there is a part of me that thinks that I'm slipping at the moment,
the fact that practices that i found very important to my day to day existence
are receding and I'm finding myself behaving in less than admirable traits,
for example getting into completely pointless arguments with people over
subjects so fucking retard it's not even worth verbalizing..
:/
Maybe it's down to a shift of focus,
back then i was so concentrated on simply the present day and
everything that came with it, where as now there is a date i have,
there is something on the horizon was signifies the end of my ordeal,
whether that's home or not it's still the beginning of the end and perhaps
that is why I'm finding it difficult to concentrate on these daily practices,
a shift of priorities?
Or a lack of patience.
That might be closer to the mark..
Impatience..
:/
This kind of all came to light recently after i kept growing
progressively more agitated with the people around me.
I'm allowing things to grate on me.
This in turn has had me snapping at people for the stupidest of actions,
things i normally would pay absolutely no mind to, I'd shrug it off, ignore it,
but right now I'm replying to it..
Perhaps even CULTIVATING the stupidity!!
Being enclosed with individuals who constantly take and feel that
they should be doing this because they are owed something..
It can get annoying.
If you let it..
A couple of months ago i had no problem ignoring this kind of shit,
brushing it off and just getting on with my day as per usual..
But right now?
I am not.
It doesn't help that we haven't been given ANY sweetener in a month..
There is a man with a towel wrapped around his neck
but he's not going in the shower..
He's holding a cup of coffee, smiling,
showing a mouth full of gold teeth and as he recently
took his braids out is sporting an afro with a comb in it..
"You see me gettin' that money today?"
"MY shit grown DRAMASTICALLY!!"
"Oysters open completely when the moon is full; and when a crab sees one it throws a piece of stone or seaweed
into it and the oyster cannot close again so that it serves the crab for meat. Such is the fate for him who opens his mouth too much and thereby puts himself at the mercy of the listener" - Leonardo Da Vinci
On one table,
four burly men are playing
a game of Risk.
Each man sits..
Brooding..
With his arms folded,
impatiently, talking NEXT reckless shit to the other players,
until it's his turn to scoop up the little red dice..
This is followed by a vulgar display,
obnoxiously shaking the dice for a COMPLETELY
unnecessary amount of time..
Popping even MORE shit..
Then dashing the dice with a pointless twist of the wrist
into the lid of the Risk box, while simultaneously clicking
fingers to symbolise they have rolled the dice with 'skill'..
:/
One of the players is wearing a four XL t-shirt.
He has a very large scar across his temple.
An a very nice custom-made Yankees coffee mug
that just HAD some coffee with five sugars in it..
During the game there was a public relations incident.
Someone got their country invaded,
under less than commendable
circumstances..
He was SUPPOSED to be in what is known as an 'alliance' with another player,
this basically means they have agreed prior to the game that they will not
attack each other and will take out all the other players first..
But as always..
Shit didn't go to plan..
An one of the guys decided to purely violate
the other motherfucker an take him out the game..
"wid da fader"
Whatever the fuck that means..
This act of treason didn't go down well.
But the guy who got violated didn't actually retaliate.
He just bounced..
The other dude sat there with his arms crossed,
smiling ear to ear with his eyes barely open,
an just burst out the woo-woo-woo an kee-kee-kee's
in some NEXT high-pitched gravely voice..
It was pretty funny.
I didn't laugh though..
While laughing he raised both arms in the air
like a toddler waiting to be picked up..
An in the process..
He knocked over his coffee cup..
"There is much to be known, life is short,
and life is not life without knowledge. It is therefore an excellent device
to acquire knowledge from everybody. Thus, by the sweat of another's brow,
you win the reputation of being an oracle" - Baltazar Gracian
Most people are using this as an excuse not to wash.
I ain't goin' out like that!!
Soon as the di-zor popped this morning..
After cursing out some fuckin' TRAMP for
stunk out the room..
I firmly grabbed my Turkish balls..
-Soap
-Shampoo
-Sweatpants an draws
Then marched my ass** into the shower..
No point putting a foot or a hand under the water or an OTHER sucker shit..
Jus' G-up an run into the motherfucker!!
:D
It's no problemo..
A minute of frantically spreading ice water everywhere,
quickly step out, get your breath back so you don't have a heart attack..
Then soap up that cock an balls!!
Using that bit of floor waxer/buffer that someone DIDN'T bus' you,
scrub all body parts, not forgetting to take extra care on nipples an dickhead
as you're using something that is primarily designed to scrape shit off
the floor..
Jump back under the water an rinse all that shit off..
Put some shampoo in your hair..
Step back in..
Wash all that shit off..
An you're good to go!!
:)
The harrowing ordeal of an ice cold shower in freezing conditions is dead an gone.
You MIGHT come out the motherfucker looking like someone slapped fire out of you..
But at least you're clean!!
**
"That n****r got the Mork n Mindy ass!!"
"Silly n****r runnin' round with a CHIA pet in his ass!!"
"Nah..Nah..my n****r Timdog look like Harry an the Hendersons when
that n****r be sittin' on the toilet!! Word!!"
"He got the weekend at Bernies ass!!"
"YO that film had me DYIN' son!! They was walkin' round VIOLATIN' n****rs with that dead motherfucker!!"
Incase you're wondering why things are so great,
last night New York City was hit by hurricane Sandy.
This resulted a major blackout.
Not just for the people in the real world..
But also for me..
For the first time in two YEARS i was in complete darkness.
This might sound like fuck all but i have literally always
had some kind of light source for the whole time I've been
in here, it's never been pitch black, an being so used to there
always being something on it was fucking jarring to suddenly
have nothing!!
A VERY surreal experience!!
No light from the corridor,
everything in the room wasn't working,
all of the buildings outside the window had
completely blacked out..
Even the street lamps where out!!
It was deep!!
There was a momentary panik from some of my peers,
moronic screaming's of the apocalypse, limbs hitting surfaces,
a lot of stupidly humorous tomfoolery that I've come to expect,
it didn't last for long though..
A few minutes and everything had settled
into a very deep resounding silence..
The only slight noise you could occasionally
make out was people turning door hands,
followed by footsteps and a very jittery
pair of keys..
I don't blame him for being prang!!
Bad enough being an INMATE when there's a power cut..
What did i do?
I mostly stood by the door staring out
into the darkness, trying to see what other
motherfuckers where doing, then after my eyes
had adjusted to the dark an i could see everyone
was just standing around looking as stupid as i did..
I went by the window and enjoyed the view,
seemed like i might as well soak it in while it's here
as there probably won't be another moment like this
in my life..
At least not in this setting..
Well i HOPE there won't that's for sure!!
There was never any moment that i was worried as
to what might happen, being in such a strange predicament
as this, as i have already made peace with my place in this society
and the likelihood and if anything apocalyptic WAS to happen that
i would have any chance of survival.
I remember when there was an earthquake..
THAT shit was crazy,
watching people literally running out of the building
as it's shaking and being locked in here, people everywhere
are doing everything to get out of here and i was stuck here
completely helpless, if the motherfucker came down,
it was game over and there was fuck all i could do
about it..
So yeah..
after that happened,
i had a pretty crystal clear picture of the value
that has currently been placed on my head and
how much my life is worth while in this situation..
I took an extremely cautious piss..
Brushed my teeth..
Layed back..
An enjoying this little splash of variety
in an otherwise highly boring November
evening incarcerated in New York City..
Before i forget,
If i ever needed any re-assurance
that we were going nowhere fast..
The sight of someone big enough to pick you up with one hand
holding what looked like that grenade launcher the Terminator uses
to escape the Cyber dyne building in Terminator 2..
I got a new technique to get my cardio/breathing up to scratch,
each time i hit 250 calories i suck (SHUT up you MUG) on one of
them Jolly Ranger sweets (NOT candy) as then I'm only breathing
out my nose and although extremely difficult..
I've been TOLD this is supposed to be good.
Anyways that was earlier..
When i finished i cleaned the machine (I'm the only one that does)
an after wiping the machine down i got in line for the shower..
Someone was already in there so i did the usual..
"YO Lemme get AFTER you"
"WHO DAT!? TIMDIZZLE!?"
"YEAH! LEMME GET AFTER YOU!!"
"YOU AIN'T GOTTA WAIT MA N****R!! COME THE FUCK IN!!"
:/
"AIGHT!! YOU BETTER FUCKIN' FACE THE WALL AN BRACE YOURSELF!!
MOTHERFUCKIN' RETARD!!"
"AAA-HAHA!!"
Idiot.
As i walked away..
Some elderly Spanish dude come waddling out of his room,
in just a pair of draws an in his shaky hand is a bar of soap,
with his other hand he performs the commonly known gesture of,
'You are after me'
**Using both index fingers and rotating them in a circular motion,
one way for saying you are after them another for they are after you**
He was never in line for the shower..
:/
But despite me being soaking wet with sweat..
I KNOW he's either not going to understand me if i explain
or he's going to pretend not to understand what I'm saying..
Plus he's REAL old..
So i just give him a thumbs up.
An he in return gives me a big toothless grin..
I go make an apple fruit salad while i wait..
While I'm doing so..
I hear a big stomping sound and notice
a huge pair of feet coming down the stairs..
Now i have company..
"Yo my n****r i be so BORED up in this BITCH!!"
I stop peeling and stare at him for a few moments..
"How long you been down?"
He looks up to the ceiling and lops his head to one side..
"Shit..erm..FUCK..EIGHT MONTHS!!"
I DON'T pick up a plastic knife as i DON'T own one..
:/
An continue peeling my apples..
"Imagine how bored you're gonna feel after twenty five months.."
I was tempted to tell him he still smelt like pussy.
This is a common jailhouse expression for people
who have either just come in from the street..
Or an individual that don't have 'that much' time in..
I chose not to.
Not only was the dude big enough to EASILY,
say if he either didn't find my joke funny or didn't understand it's meaning,
wash me the FUCK UP an smack me of EVERY surface in the immediate area..
Is it a blessing or a curse to be visited in your
dreams by someone who is out of reach?
Someone who you have not seen
in a very long time and that you are
highly unlikely to see again?
Is being given some time to spend
with this individual..
Albeit in the form of a dream..
Well..
Is this healthy?
Being given the opportunity to say
things i never really got to express..
All those nagging little pieces lines of information
that plague the aftermath of a past connection between
two people that didn't quite work out how i'd planned..
Is this good?
Are these dreams an expression of me letting go?
Getting all these things out of my system
once and for all?
Or is all this a sign of deep rooted attachment..
Not being able to let go of a person and a time
and place in my life that i didn't quite make the most out of?
One that i'm still..
After all these years..
Unwilling to shake.
:/
I don't know.
My dreams have always been full of the type
of stereotypical imagery that i have been told
many times is SUPPOSED to be symbolic..
-Teeth falling out my mouth
-Walking around with my nob out
Things like this..
I've heard these things are supposed
to have certain meanings behind them.
But the dreams i'm currently
reffering to are very different..
I'm engaging in in-depth conversations,
getting answers to a lot of the questions
that i put forward..
These are two-way conversations.
New ground is being covered.
All the while this is happening..
i am actually AWARE that i am only in a dream
and this reunion is not entirely legitimate.
**I should point out that sometimes dreams that i know are dreams seem to spiral
into perverted sex acts very quickly or superhero type dreams but this is not the case,
no fucking occurs nor do i fly or climb walls or run up walls or aquire any type of alien weaponry**
So yeah..
Anyway..
When i wake up from all this talking bollocks,
it doesn't leave me with a feeling of longing for more
or disappointment at the dream ending.
Which is very suprising.
:)
So the question remains..
Are these re-occuring dreams I'm having good or bad for me?
Is this something i should just appreciate
and take it at face value..
As in it being just a dream and nothing more..
Not something i should be spending time over-analizing..
Or is it a sign?
One that i am still heavily attached
to individuals that left my life many years ago..
It's crazy when thought is put to the issue.
As in it's highly likely the image i am projecting
of this individual doesn't represent them in the slighest,
i doubt they behave how i remember them to and it's a safe
bet to say they don't LOOK how i remember them to either..
At least i doubt it anyway.
So with that in mind,
this ghostly snapshot i'm mentally holding onto
isn't one of someone who is even here anymore,
it doesn't represent an actual individual who is out
there walking around..
So what is the point?
If it is just my brain's way of giving me a little relief
from the monotonous existence i lead at the moment..
Then i guess it's a pretty harmless thing to be indulging in.
It might even be GOOD for me.
If it's just reminding me of good times in my life
with someone who i miss..
If on the other hand..
If this is a sign that i am seriously emotionally stunted
and am unable to move forward, which would be a possibly
explanation for me replaying connections shared from my youth
with people that have not been in my life for a considerable
amount of time..
Perhaps i should start seeing the Psychologist again.
You can imagine what it's like being in a place like this,
when your opportunities to meet new people are completely
out of your hands..
The only way i can meet new people
is when they write letters to me.
An being as this is the age of email/Facebook/Youtube/RedTube
YouPorn/Pinkworld.com/Thumbzilla.com/BangBros.com/Empornium.US
CumFiesta.com/Dogfart.com/Shitcity.com/Ruffnecksmagazine.com
Blacksonblondes.com/Bigtitscurvyasses.com/Frankwank.com/Gloryhole.com
Milfhunters.com/Kingchile.com/Goatse.de people have other shit to be
doing than checking for some dude in jail..
So couple that with the amount of time
i have on my hands to think about prior events
that have happened in my life and the people that
have come and gone over the years..
It's not surprising that all this might
have an effect my subconscious an then in turn
pour over into my dreams and the people who frequent them.
But when it's the same person..
In a re-occuring role..
I can't help to wonder why.
I hope that perhaps it's something
more than just a dream.
"Well... Basically...
The name is Highway.
That's my name. It's got everything I like, which is weed, N bitches an a little bit of danger every now an then :) Thas the grenade!
It helps to explain my name Highway, cos I like to get high. I love to get high. You can never go wrong with a dutch!"
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