GON-SHAT!!

Earlier today i went running.

And by running i mean circling a small amount of space at an angle
that is slowly pushing the cartilidge out of my knees,
but it's better than nothing an the highlight of my
existence at the moment.

So i cannot complain.

The weather was really nice too!

There was good tunes on the radio..

Sadly i missed my last chance at being a human,
enjoying the rays of the sun and breathing real oxygen,
it was worth it on this very rare occasion as i had a visit,
but, without the prospect of a freindly face coming to buy
me some ice tea and see for themselves how fucked up 21
months in a maximum security jail has made Timothy Ozer Guvercin,
i am now in need of some oxygen and sunlight,
there was no chance i was gonna miss it again.

So off i went,
dressed in some huge 80s basketball style socks,
a scatty pair of fake Nike sneakers and an armband which
is halfway between Rambo and the Ultimate Warrior..

I'm running.

Sweating.

Depleting copious amounts of body odour.

(that bit was a lie i use deodorant and wash religously until my skin starts to flake off)

Circling the space.

An i lock eyes with this dude..

I have to be extremely careful about who i spend
my time with in here, who you engage and converse with
is critical in your feeble attempts and maintaining ones viewpoint,
nevermind simply for health and safety reasons..

Certain people give off different types of energy.

-Some good.

-Some bate.

Being in someones presence can make you feel energised,
uplifted, inspire you to do good things, they can turn you mood
from shitty to positive in a very short amount of time..

On the other hand..

There are certain people who carry around extremely negative,
pessimistic, depressive, slow delibitating energies who, after spending
very little time with, you feel physically and mentally drained.

They have the tendency to see the world through an extremely
selfish point of view and derive pleasure from making others miserable
or keeping them at their own slug-like energy level, stopping them from
progressing or evolving as human beings, instead stagnating with them
until moving onto someone else who's energy they decide to suck.

.....

Anyway!

Back to this dude..

Ever since the moment i met this remarkable individual,
my perception of him has..not been favourable.

-the way he speaks

-people he associates with

-his interactions with the general population

-anytime someone speaks about him or something he said or did

-the smell of his breath

It all wreaks of negativity, depression, and halletosis.

I do everything possible to avoid speaking,
interacting or having any kind of involvement with this individual.

It's for the best.

Shit's hard enough staying strong under these, erm, 'inconvenient conditions',
without the added challenge of individuals who feel the world owes them something,
and you being happy or positive is an attribute which seems to effortlessly
stir up resentment towards you.

In the past i would be bothered when someone felt a type of way towards me,
i'd question it and let it bug me, even if i knew it was without merit.

I try to do things a little different nowdays though,
i know this guy has a problem but instead of letting it get to me,
i just stay the fuck out of his way and get on with
doing what i do on any given day.

In reality..

The big picture..

Whatever you want to call it..

If i havn't directly, consciously or intentionally done anything towards you,
and you have a problem with me, then it's simply out of my hands and therefore
none of my business.

I'm trying to handle situations a little better.

Be a little bit more disciplined.

Not just physically with all the bullshit working out and dieting,
but more importantly when communicating with people, thinking before i speak
or interact with someone, especially concerning the motive behind my reaction,
what i'm saying, if there is any point to it and whether it's even worth responding
to certain situations, especially if i can just agree with someone and move on
instead of arguing or disputing pure bullshit.

i'm trying to surround myself with positive things and
i have very little, if any, space for anything else anymore.

So..

I was running..

It's hot as fuck..

I'm covered in sweat,
each raise of an arm flings droplets of Turkish perspiration into
the mouths of unfortunate, overweight, side-lined bastard bystanders..

I can feel the deep sensation of the sun warming my melanin-recessive,
tattooed arms and the more laps i clock, the more faster i'm running,
darting between basketball players, body builders and a bunch of goblins
playing handball..

I can tell each group is getting progressively more annoyed at my canine..

Erm..

"Yo"

"My n****r?"

"if you're trying to describe a dog running fast what's a good word?"

"Fast. N****r, don' bother me with that dumb shit 'less it's about some bitches."

:(

Bounding..

Canine bounding..

:)

i've never knocked into anyone.

I'm sure it's coming though..

Especially given my recent retarded addition of jumping
over anyone who happens to be doing pushups in the vacinity..

It's fun!

Makes motherfuckers mad as hell though..

Anyways..

While i'm running,
all kinds of shit is playing in my mind.

Getting in better shape,
being in different places, meeting new people,
i picture myself in the future,
wherever it might be..

Being ok.

Better than ok!!

:D

As i turn the corner,
i lock eyes with this dude an he blesses me
with a loud an clear 'fuck you' with his eyeballs,
forehead and eyebrows.

Which was nice!

I bus' a couple laps,
in the process shaking off my initial 'fuck you too' kneejerk reaction,
an began to think for a minute..

So..

A baby is born innocent, un-corrupted,
with all the potential to achieve anything it desires,
and it is through conditioning, upbringing, educating and
life experiences that form your view on the world and your
moral codes and principles..

Right?

So..

In THEORY..

Anyone you can think of, any chemically balanced human being you might encounter,
had you have gone through the exact same factors and life experiences they did,
conditioning, upbringing, education, social influences, all that shit,
you would think, act and behave the same way as them?

Make the same choices?

Share the same viewpoint and moral code?

I discussed this topic with a freind later in the day
and he strongly disagreed.

He said that he came from an EXTREMELY traumatic
and difficult upbringing, but that is never an excuse
for his current behaviour.

He said that as an adult,
that HE is responsible for his current actions,
not his past or childhood.

He also said that he has the potential at any given day
to do good, or as he put it, to be a 'monster',
and to blame his past is not a valid excuse.

He stressed that putting peoples behaviour down to
their past simply gives them excuses to continue negative
behaviour in the present and continue the unhealthy lifestyle
that have been accumstomed to.

:/

Interesting..

For now at the least..

The theory that our upbringing shapes us and what we do,
this theory helps me in cultivating patience, tolerance and
forgiveness towards the people i am forced to live with,
and a little understanding towards a situation and behaviour
that sometimes defies any logic and common sense.

Telling myself that,
given the same path through life and the experiences they have had to go through,
i would behave the same as them and perhaps share the same bleak outlook on the world.

Whether it's true or not is quite frankly besides the point,
it helps me make this situation easier, less complicated,
over all it eradicates any chance of taking
peoples behaviour personally.

Which for me is very helpful indeed.

Things seem more black and white..

As long as you're trying to do something good with your life, something positive,
then i guess you never need worry about the people around you and what they are doing.

Just keep doing what you do and i guess
everything else will unfold as it should.

In the end you know you did your part,
whatever the outcome might be.