GON-SHAT!!

Earlier today i went running.

And by running i mean circling a small amount of space at an angle
that is slowly pushing the cartilidge out of my knees,
but it's better than nothing an the highlight of my
existence at the moment.

So i cannot complain.

The weather was really nice too!

There was good tunes on the radio..

Sadly i missed my last chance at being a human,
enjoying the rays of the sun and breathing real oxygen,
it was worth it on this very rare occasion as i had a visit,
but, without the prospect of a freindly face coming to buy
me some ice tea and see for themselves how fucked up 21
months in a maximum security jail has made Timothy Ozer Guvercin,
i am now in need of some oxygen and sunlight,
there was no chance i was gonna miss it again.

So off i went,
dressed in some huge 80s basketball style socks,
a scatty pair of fake Nike sneakers and an armband which
is halfway between Rambo and the Ultimate Warrior..

I'm running.

Sweating.

Depleting copious amounts of body odour.

(that bit was a lie i use deodorant and wash religously until my skin starts to flake off)

Circling the space.

An i lock eyes with this dude..

I have to be extremely careful about who i spend
my time with in here, who you engage and converse with
is critical in your feeble attempts and maintaining ones viewpoint,
nevermind simply for health and safety reasons..

Certain people give off different types of energy.

-Some good.

-Some bate.

Being in someones presence can make you feel energised,
uplifted, inspire you to do good things, they can turn you mood
from shitty to positive in a very short amount of time..

On the other hand..

There are certain people who carry around extremely negative,
pessimistic, depressive, slow delibitating energies who, after spending
very little time with, you feel physically and mentally drained.

They have the tendency to see the world through an extremely
selfish point of view and derive pleasure from making others miserable
or keeping them at their own slug-like energy level, stopping them from
progressing or evolving as human beings, instead stagnating with them
until moving onto someone else who's energy they decide to suck.

.....

Anyway!

Back to this dude..

Ever since the moment i met this remarkable individual,
my perception of him has..not been favourable.

-the way he speaks

-people he associates with

-his interactions with the general population

-anytime someone speaks about him or something he said or did

-the smell of his breath

It all wreaks of negativity, depression, and halletosis.

I do everything possible to avoid speaking,
interacting or having any kind of involvement with this individual.

It's for the best.

Shit's hard enough staying strong under these, erm, 'inconvenient conditions',
without the added challenge of individuals who feel the world owes them something,
and you being happy or positive is an attribute which seems to effortlessly
stir up resentment towards you.

In the past i would be bothered when someone felt a type of way towards me,
i'd question it and let it bug me, even if i knew it was without merit.

I try to do things a little different nowdays though,
i know this guy has a problem but instead of letting it get to me,
i just stay the fuck out of his way and get on with
doing what i do on any given day.

In reality..

The big picture..

Whatever you want to call it..

If i havn't directly, consciously or intentionally done anything towards you,
and you have a problem with me, then it's simply out of my hands and therefore
none of my business.

I'm trying to handle situations a little better.

Be a little bit more disciplined.

Not just physically with all the bullshit working out and dieting,
but more importantly when communicating with people, thinking before i speak
or interact with someone, especially concerning the motive behind my reaction,
what i'm saying, if there is any point to it and whether it's even worth responding
to certain situations, especially if i can just agree with someone and move on
instead of arguing or disputing pure bullshit.

i'm trying to surround myself with positive things and
i have very little, if any, space for anything else anymore.

So..

I was running..

It's hot as fuck..

I'm covered in sweat,
each raise of an arm flings droplets of Turkish perspiration into
the mouths of unfortunate, overweight, side-lined bastard bystanders..

I can feel the deep sensation of the sun warming my melanin-recessive,
tattooed arms and the more laps i clock, the more faster i'm running,
darting between basketball players, body builders and a bunch of goblins
playing handball..

I can tell each group is getting progressively more annoyed at my canine..

Erm..

"Yo"

"My n****r?"

"if you're trying to describe a dog running fast what's a good word?"

"Fast. N****r, don' bother me with that dumb shit 'less it's about some bitches."

:(

Bounding..

Canine bounding..

:)

i've never knocked into anyone.

I'm sure it's coming though..

Especially given my recent retarded addition of jumping
over anyone who happens to be doing pushups in the vacinity..

It's fun!

Makes motherfuckers mad as hell though..

Anyways..

While i'm running,
all kinds of shit is playing in my mind.

Getting in better shape,
being in different places, meeting new people,
i picture myself in the future,
wherever it might be..

Being ok.

Better than ok!!

:D

As i turn the corner,
i lock eyes with this dude an he blesses me
with a loud an clear 'fuck you' with his eyeballs,
forehead and eyebrows.

Which was nice!

I bus' a couple laps,
in the process shaking off my initial 'fuck you too' kneejerk reaction,
an began to think for a minute..

So..

A baby is born innocent, un-corrupted,
with all the potential to achieve anything it desires,
and it is through conditioning, upbringing, educating and
life experiences that form your view on the world and your
moral codes and principles..

Right?

So..

In THEORY..

Anyone you can think of, any chemically balanced human being you might encounter,
had you have gone through the exact same factors and life experiences they did,
conditioning, upbringing, education, social influences, all that shit,
you would think, act and behave the same way as them?

Make the same choices?

Share the same viewpoint and moral code?

I discussed this topic with a freind later in the day
and he strongly disagreed.

He said that he came from an EXTREMELY traumatic
and difficult upbringing, but that is never an excuse
for his current behaviour.

He said that as an adult,
that HE is responsible for his current actions,
not his past or childhood.

He also said that he has the potential at any given day
to do good, or as he put it, to be a 'monster',
and to blame his past is not a valid excuse.

He stressed that putting peoples behaviour down to
their past simply gives them excuses to continue negative
behaviour in the present and continue the unhealthy lifestyle
that have been accumstomed to.

:/

Interesting..

For now at the least..

The theory that our upbringing shapes us and what we do,
this theory helps me in cultivating patience, tolerance and
forgiveness towards the people i am forced to live with,
and a little understanding towards a situation and behaviour
that sometimes defies any logic and common sense.

Telling myself that,
given the same path through life and the experiences they have had to go through,
i would behave the same as them and perhaps share the same bleak outlook on the world.

Whether it's true or not is quite frankly besides the point,
it helps me make this situation easier, less complicated,
over all it eradicates any chance of taking
peoples behaviour personally.

Which for me is very helpful indeed.

Things seem more black and white..

As long as you're trying to do something good with your life, something positive,
then i guess you never need worry about the people around you and what they are doing.

Just keep doing what you do and i guess
everything else will unfold as it should.

In the end you know you did your part,
whatever the outcome might be.

Looooooooooooong

I'm aware when i'm letting things slip a little.

It might be my reactions to a certain situation,
the thoughts i'm entertaining..

It's best sometimes not to share them with anyone,
why make someone else miserable too?

No point getting on the phone,
defies logic to pay money just to spread bad vibes
across the Atlantic..

Doesn't make sense going to speak to someone about it either,
most the time you're only looking for someone to agree with you
or give you sympathy, which is stupid.

Even if my intentions are good,
it's best avoided sometimes.

When i'm on one of those 'moods' i try
to keep to myself for a few days.

I try to workout, pray, read something that might help shift
my viewpoint a little..

Todays funk was, erm,
i think i dealt with it rather well..

I was brewing earlier today,
the weather is nice, there's all kinds of nice things happening
all over the city right now, an i'm STILL stuck in this motherfucker
sweating like a dog..

I was thinking about what i could be doing with my life right now.

More precisely..

What i thought i *SHOULD* be doing..

:/

In the big picture,
you are always exactly where you *SHOULD* be,
doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing..

Otherwise you wouldn't be there,
you wouldn't have followed the path you did,
made the decisions that shaped the circumstances
that led to the present moment..

All that bollocks..

Thing is though..

Even though i whole-heartedly agree with that shit..

Erm..

Sometimes..

Sitting behind bars sweating your balls off,
at the beginning of a very hot NYC summer,
watching smokin' hot bitchers walk down the
street all motherfucking day..

That fly shit sure SOUNDS good..

....

Fuck it.

How long's summer?

Ninety days?

I'll knock that shit out with my head in the
motherfucking toilet bowl.

You can shove summer 2012 up your fucking asshole.

Laundry in ten minutes

About a year and a half ago my brother gave me a photo album..

It's a dark red colour,
i think the crappy plastic coating around the
motherfucker is supposed to resemble leather
or some shit.

I got a load of stickers covering the front and back,
on one side there is a couple Not Guilty stickers,
a black and pink Frontline Magazine sticker and a
label that was stuck on a book i got sent that's got
my name and number on it..

The other side has a couple of these big, over-sized
stamps that come with every stamp book we get in here,
apparently if you wack 'em on a letter and the person at
the post office has a sense of humour, your shit might
go out..

It hasn't come to that.

Yet.

I've been broke,
infact i'm in a perpetual state of brokeness,
but i'm just about clinging onto enough dignity not to
resort to tricking the mailman just to get some shit in
the post.

Not saying it's never gonna happen..

Perhaps in the near future i might try it,
who knows..

Other stickers!

A big white 'King of Paint' joint that came with some
books from Graff City if i remember correctly, also a
breathtakingly original 'Hello my name is' sticker and
lastly a round black an white sticker from
'Ecuador Apparel'..

Over the past 21 months people have been extremely
kind in sending me many photos, whether that's flicks
of mine that i took in New York over my 18 month
run of stupidity, photos of pieces people done since
my imprisonment, shots of the individuals out there
who still remember me and are checking for me,
photos of the outside world, little reminders of the
things waiting for me when they finally let me go..

Visuals of the shit i've experienced in life and the
people who i shared them with..

All kinds of shit..

Every so often i'll go through the motherfucker,
adding photos, removing others, replacing some
with better ones..

It's nice to show people things sometimes too,
a little glimpse of the life you used to lead,
what kind of bullshit you was into in the town.

I can sit here and stare at my old photos for hours sometimes,
sipping on a cup of coffee, listening to some tunes,
letting my imagination go for a spin..

Early on into this bid i'd look at photos longingly,
wishing to be back at certain times and places,
in the company of specific people.

Now?

Not so much..

Some photos, yes, yes i would like to be there,
i would like to be with my parents, spending some time
with my dad breezing around his Turkish ends, enjoying some
of my mothers boss cooking while sipping on some Raki,
very appealing!

Other photos,
oter other times in my life, do not hold the same appeal,
at least not anymore anyways.

When i look at certain pictures,
don't get me wrong, they still and always will hold a special place
for me deep down, i wouldn't take them back, but at the same time
i wouldn't do them all over again..

When i look at them, i see a young man who was very confused
as to what he wanted in life and exactly how to get it,
someone that was very naive as to how the world works
and what it is i'm supposed to be doing in it, what my purpose
is and how i can best go about achieving it on a daily basis..

I wouldn't say i have figured all of this out, i don't have all
the answers as to why i'm here and how i should proceed,
but i would say at the least i'm a little wiser as to how i
should conduct my affairs an behaviour in the future..

Let's say..

I'm heading in the right direction?

How about that?

Tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow

I get my haircut every two weeks.

Ironically this is more than i would get it cut in the town,
but that's for a specific reason..

It's good for self-esteem.

Self-worth.

That's how i like to think about it.

There isn't,
considering i'm housed with nothing but swinging dicks,
anybody that i keep fresh for other than myself.

In the rare occasion i have a visit, i'll try chase the barber down,
he knows i don't know anyone in the States so in that rare event,
he'll hook me up, shape me up, the man knows what the fuck
he's doing too..

Likewise with a tattooist,
it's a good look not to piss 'em off or disagree
with them on any given subject.

If midway through your haircut he decides to drop the blade and go run an errang,
eat some food or five head first into a shouting match at the domino table,
it's best to just sit there..

Smile..

An be patient..

If he said he'd cut your hair at 7pm and decides he wants to do it at 1pm..

"HEY TEAMY! LES'A GO!"

You best drop whatever the fuck you had planned,
if you don't, expect to either get carried for greazy or
wait until he decides to give you three quarters of
a haircut..

"You gad a razor? YOU fin-eesh!"

:/

Even after any added fuckrie,
when i look in the mirror it's always worth the measly
two packets of 'Bumble Bee Premium Albacore Tuna'
i paid for it..

He blesses me with a haircut i would proudly sport in the town..

He trims my facial hair an shapes it in a manner that clearly shows
the ridiculous amount of weight i've lost in this motherfucker and
the results of all this dieting and working out i've been doing..

Despite being in a foreign jail,
surrounded by dudes, having to deal with some of the most incredible
specimins of human stupidity and extreme incontinence,
even after twenty one months of doing the jailhouse rock,
you'd be amazed at how much difference a simple haircut
and shape-up does to your state of mind..

Makes you feel strong..

Confident..

Like you SHOULD feel on any given day above ground..

Sometimes in here it's easy to forget your own self-worth.

But then again..

:)

I guess that's the whole point..

"I try to remind myself as far as my own motivation is concerned,
i am sincere and i tried my best. With a sincere motivation, one of compassion,
even if i made a mistake or failed, there is no cause for regret. For my part i did
my best. Then, you see, if i failed, it was because the situation was beyond my best efforts"

- HH Dalai Lama

No white tshirts

Today is a beautiful day,
for one, i'm up early as FUCK..

This is VERY out of the ordinary..

I get up early everyday to grab breakfast but
usually heard right back to sleep..

Not today..

I'm sitting at the back of a long white corridor,
sandwhiched between the wall and a table.

On the table sits a cup of coffee, my radio,
a bowl full of apple skins and a bowl of cereal,
diced apples pieces and a little piece of cake
crumbled in it..

This is Timothys breakfast!

Everything is quiet, the sun is blaring through the bars on the window,
it's making me squint and frown, i look like a stubborn child,
which isn't that far from the truth in the bigger picture..

I'm wearing a brown tshirt that has had one arm removed, not be me i might add,
the colour of the shirt is slightly off and it's a about three washes away from giving
out on me..

There's some decent tunes on the radio keeping me semi-conscious,
i have things to do this morning so i can't climb back into bed right now..

Before eating my poor mans breakfast i pray,
let it be known that i am thankful for waking up today,
the food i have been given, the people who despite this not being
the most ideal situation for a human being to find themselves in,
help get me through my day making me laugh and smile, lastly,
i ask that my parents, family and loved ones are all kept healthy,
happy and safe..

Milk is poured on my mix of fruit and cereal..

An i enjoy my breakfast..

Ok.

What needs to be done..

-Shit

-Shower

-Shave

Plus i was just notified that it's my turn to clean up.

The 'joke' i tried to spit reminding that i actually cleaned
up last week and it's not my turn to do it this week,
i think it lacked in comic timing..

"N****R, IT AIN'T TOO EARLY TO GET BEAT THE FUCK UP"

So..

After overly-enthusiastically mopping and sweeping,
i quickly shave, mop up the copious amounts of blood and
flesh out of the sink, an sling my balls into the shower..

Last night before i went to sleep,
my 'best clost' got wedged underneath my mattress,
it gives them the impression they might
have been ironed..

Clean clothes?

Clean balls?

This motherfucker has a visit today!

I havn't actually spoke to my bredren in the days leading upto today,
i'm hoping he actually makes it in, we walk some shit, an drink some Ice-T,
otherwise i'm gonna be flossin' the Gucci face sittin' all dressed up on my jaes,
like a melon that got stood up on a date..

That wouldn't be cool..

:(

Fruit punch or Cherry

It's almost two in the morning an i want to write something,
i got given a pen earlier an it's pretty good for writing, so why
not give it a whirl, i'm sure it's better than just staring out the
window, one hand placed on the middle of my chest, the other
clenched around the bar, with my head tilted to one side an my
eyes closed, occasionally fondling my penis while loudly singing
along to Tony Braxton..

Quite a few good things happened today..

I got a lot of apples!

That was cool!

My latest jail-house fad is taking a load of apples,
peeling the shit out of them with a spoon and placing
the skins in a bowl.

I then place the apples in another bowl
an dice them into chunks.

We get this knock-off Kool Aid up in this motherfucker,
it comes in mad different cancer/black spot on the brain
incuding flavours an i've been rocking the shit out of
it recently..

I take two different flavours,
dash one on the bowl of little apple chunks,
then stur it up..

I take the other an dash it on the bowl of all the apple skins,
then stur it up..

Then eat them.

:D

I do this about twice a day,
hence me being purely haps about getting
a bag of apples!

This is about the best i can do to keep busy at the moment.

Tough times.

:(

(M)

I got a couple of plain books sent to me around Christmas time,
an i've been filling them full of random shit. When i have something on my mind,
i write it down. or when i need a reminder of certain things i'll either write it down
or go through the books an see if there is something that can help me get through
whatever it is i'm subjecting myself to on any given day..

"Those days when you feel your most tired, weak and like giving up,
these are your best opportunities for growth and improvement.

At those times when your thoughts start to wander,
pick yourself up an go do something, go work out, sketch, write,
note down what it is you're thinking, take that negative energy
and disperse of it instead of letting it build momentum.

Writing throughts onto paper seems a little daunting sometimes,
but you don't actually have to do anything with it, you don't even need
to keep it, dash it in the trash if you want, the point is instead of leaving
those unhelpful and imobolising thoughts fester and circle in your mind,
you let them out, did something with them, now you can move on with
your day knowing you did something constructive and positive in a time
of difficulty.

You took a possible excuse for time wasted and instead turned it into
a reminder of how capable you are of dealing with whatever life throws
at you."

I almost have a book full of shit like this,
i'm sure it will be amusing to look back on it someday.

I might view it as the ramblings of someone going through
a mild bout of insanity or some very interesting words from a
time in my life where i was sober enough to actually understand
a few things and learn something.

Time will tell i guess.

POOF!

Hair and teeth

I need some new fucking headphones,
it's beyond irritating having to hold the motherfucker
in a specific position just to listen to a bit of bollocks
on the radio..

One good thing to come from it,
i'm reading again!

More than just graff books too!

(Thankyou for the graff books x please keep sending them)

My bookmark in my latest book is a cut-out from the newspaper,
they was doing a review of the new Best Coast album, an as i like some
of their tunes, i cut the shit out.

She's hot too.

Not hot enough, or should i say not whorish enough to make a motherfucker
whip his meat out an beat off but she's cute and is a nice reminder of what
a real female looks like, so her photo is now my bookmark.

I'm sure she would be beyond stoked to hear a (Almost! It's coming!) convicted
felon has her mug wedged between pages of sticky jail-house books..

"..Couldn't help cuttin' out the snowbunny huh dog?"

Even though my intentions where wholesome,
i still felt like a part of me died when i cut a picture of
a female out of a magazine..

I may or may not have spoke of the jail-house practice of
making super-stalky photo albums..

There is a certain breed of perverted masterbator that
derives great pleasure in scowing through gossip magazines and
meticulously documenting and preserving photos of their chosen 'subject',
in NEXT creepy photo albums..

Imagine if one of them heads that make those cut-n-paste ransom notes
decided to put together a photo album of epically creepy proportions,
random headshots crudely wripped out of numerous magazines,
pasted in some kind of wank-shrine format to be regimentadely
masterbated over..

This one dude had a whole album full of random Rhianna shots,
i remember one day he was watching the box an someone said
something derogatory about Rhianna, this pure tramp almost tore
the dude out the fucking frame!!

Now..

Considering i caught my brother writing on top of my bookmark,
in a speach bubble like fashion,

"I LoVe BiG BlAcK DiCk"

and i didn't even raise an eyebrow,
i got a way to go before i'm on the
creepy tip?

:/

Right?

1

 

Fin.

Thankyou x

 

 

 

BROKEN CULTURE

 New York Prisoner 63906054

HURTYOUBAD SUPERBLOG

free nore!

free nore

NOT GUILTY MAGAZINE

yo nore 

jail mail 

PEOPLE

Andrew, Keely, Gabrielle, Zavi, Maisie, Revekka, Theo,
Sykes, Ashton, Albert, Lynne, Ed, Daniel, Alex, Jiles P

Thankyou for your support!!

xx