Swing

My cell isn't too bad. Neither is my cellie.
There are a lot of people in here that are annoying cunts, bullies, tossers, morons, imbeciles,
and just generally the types of people you would expect in prison i guess..luckily i don't have to
share a cell with someone of that calibre. I get on extremely well with Sha, and he makes my stay at
MCC a little bit easier to cope with.
 For instance, I wake up on a Saturday morning to a completely fonged out room..It's a Saturday, so i
instantly turn the radio on to the reggae set on 89.9 (8am-12) and Sha passes me a nice
hot cup of coffee..safe :)
 My sleeping habits have been really bad recently..most nights i don't get to sleep til around three or four in the morning,
usually down to just talking and catching jokes into the early hours..There are too many things that happen in an average day in here that are extremely retarded, yet too funny..Plus i drink way too much coffee. Today i have had 3 very big cups, and my last cup is (stupidly) usually close to around the time we get locked in for the evening. At least it's something though, a comfort that i have in here to make things a little big more managable..
 After finally getting up, making my bed (you get in trouble if you don't. Wankers.) and pulling some clothes on, time
to take a stroll around the unit and survey my surroundings on this nice Saturday morning..I do a little tour of the tiers,
checking in on the people that i get along with and giving Gucci/screw faces to the ones that can suck my turkish balls..
 I go see what the older southern gentleman are doing..they always seem pleased to see me, and whenever i'm passing i get calls of 'Timmyboy! Come sit down bwoy!' which always makes me smile :)
 They tell me the same thing day in day out, that "you're a good kid Timmy, trust us you're going to be fine, everything is going to work itself out for you" which is nice..

 I'm back in my cell, lying down on my bunk, listening to some tunes (that i am sharing with you on this page) drinking the rest of my coffee..i make it real strong, then when it's halfway done, i bang a load of ice in it..
 I'm wondering what is happening in the rest of the world. What my freinds are doing, my family, everything. I can't help it.
 I don't want to be here.
I want to be outside in the sunlight, feeling the air in the breeze, not fart vapours in a confined jailcell. I want my life back.
to be able to go and do as i please with the short time i have been given on this earth..instead of sitting in this cramped fucking cell, a few feet away from the ceiling, staring through these bars at the human beings walking below me in
the street..Then again, the life i had previously has completely fallen apart, so what life would i be returning to upon my release? Marriage is done, Apartment is done, more than likely life in New York is done..
 At the moment, i feel anything but human, more like a caged animal..which leads to an interesting question..if you treat someone like an animal, take away all of their dignity, show them absolutely no respect, take away EVERYTHING that makes their life worth living for them..How do you expect them to react when they are released?
 Maybe i'm just over tired and talking bollocks..the coffee is starting to give me a serious headache..
 I find it a comfort when i am lying in bed, to rest my hand on the bars over the window and stretch my fingertips
so i can touch the glass..it's usually cold, and i can feel the air outside passing through the cracks in the glass..
 The day when i can be released to the streets, whether it is London or New York, i find extremely hard to
visualise right now..I get very upset just trying to imagine being free at this point, i've been here so long with
so little contact with the outside world and with my life completely changing since my arrest, it's evident that
things will never be the same as when i entered..but could that be a good thing? I mean, i was living a very unhealthy
lifestyle, surrounded by people that did anything BUT inspire me, and was just doing the same thing day in day out..
at the very least, for everything it has cost me, this situation quite possibly has (ironically) broadened my horizons
for the future..

 There is a part of me that is still attached to all i had..To my wife, despite her atrocious behavour..i'm only human, and when i promised to stand by her for the rest of my life, i meant it. Since then, she has shown that she didn't quite take it as seriously as she led me and others to believe..but for me, after making a promise like that to someone, it's not something i can just forget overnight and pretend like it didn't happen..That's a (bad) habit of mine, i will behave in a certain way (in this case not forgetting about my marriage/moving on) or thinking in certain patterns that cause me a lot of pain, but i feel like i need to go through this or behave this way even if its detrimental to me. Sounds stupid now i've written it down, but i guess it's a habit that i need to shake off in here..probably just me being a stubbon Turk, who knows..
  It has been five months now i've been here. That might not seem like much
to some people, but to me it feels like a fucking eternity..
..and i'm more than likely not even a quartre into my stay yet..

romantic evenings

It's a Friday night in New York City..
 The jail i am imprisoned in is suprisingly serene and calm..
Or maybe that's just me. I'm sitting alone in my cell, gazing out the window..for now, my only company
consists of a cup of coffee and my radio.
 I'm in the mood for some jazz, luckily my radio is in a good mood and has happily obliged, instead of doing it's
usual antics of blasting my ears with explosive diarrea in the form of shit hip hop in the vein of 'Nicki Minaj' and 'Lil Wayne'..
 Sha is working tonight..
The guard asked him and some other inmates to do some manual labour in nine south,
so i have the cell to myself for the evening..
My own little batchelor pad!
Right in the heart of Manhatton!
How lucky can one Englishman be right!?
 Sooo many endless possibilities of what i could do with my newfround privacy..
Well, there's only one possibility to be honest..and yes, you guessed it,
i shall be spending my evening jerking my turkish sujuk to one of Swizzys magazines :)
amazing stuff!
 If anyone feels like making a contribution to my current sex life, by the means of getting
me a subscription to Smooth or Dimepiece magazines, details below..i'll pay you back yeh..
Timothy Guvercin
#63906054
MCC New York
150 park row
new york, ny
10007
USA

Safe

oldboys

 I'd like to say a big thankyou to my old freinds Dent and Ares ICZ, just recieved
your letters and it made my day! I always appreciate getting mail, it really mans a lot,
Keep it Coming
tim

Thankyou

I've been recieving a few letters and emails recently.
Firstly and foremost, Thankyou.
 The most painful feeling i have had to endure in this debaucle has been isolation.
It started shortly after i was arrested.
 They took my phone.
As i had been smoking wayyy too much weed in the time leading upto my dramatic capture (i was hung over, in my boxer shorts with my dick hanging out), my brain was fried. I knew no telephone numbers off by heart,
my phone was my only way to contact the few people i knew in this city.
 No one knew i was in here. I had no way of letting my family know what had happened, which was a very daunting
prospect for this Englishman in federal prison..
 The few lames that i knew in New York, faced with the reality that i was no longer there in person
to entertain them/bring some kind of excitement to their existances, were flaking on me hard and fast..
 Individuals that once reffered to me with loving terms like 'brother', now had all kinds of whack ass excuses
for not filling out the visitors form, getting on a train, and coming to keep me company..
"I'm scared to come see you in jail"
 Motherfucker, how the FUCK do you think i feel!?!?
 I've always been a very trusting person. I try to see the best in people, and
give them the benefit of the doubt..I enjoy seeing the people around me happy.
 Until this recent hailstorm of diarhea hit me, 'people' had generally treated me well.
Because of this, i put my trust and faith in them..but i also have the tendency to expect
people to act how i would, and hold the same values as me..
 In my brain, i just (wrongly i might add) assumed that if i ever got into any trouble,
my wife and my freinds would help me.
  From my arrest,
i was in Big trouble. In little china..but i didn't have the Chan Sing or the Wing Kong,
or a six demon bag at my disposal..i had a handful of freinds who were showing me that
they were as genuine as my turkish aresmani jeans, and a 'wife' that was showing
her true colours..a cross between Heather Mills, and an incontinent Roland Rat..
 As the days turned to weeks, and the weeks turned to months, i felt like i had been thrown
to the lions by the one person i had put all my love, faith and trust into..
..The world we live in, and life in general, is full of suprises..
Although i had lost the support of one, since i started this blog and let the world know about
me, my predicament and what i am going through, i am gaining love and support from complete
strangers around the world..It recently has had me very emotional when i think about what has happened,
and what is happening day by day to me.
 Good people are out there, and are reaching out to me.
I feel asif i have been dropped by one, but picked up by many.
 I just want to say thankyou for every email, letter, book, anything people
have done to reach out to me.
 Each one made me smile, got me though my day, lifted my spirits and reminded me that despite
the bars on the windows, no visits and my current situation,
I am not alone.
Thankyou
x
Keep em Coming :)

Daily Grime

 Despite my clearly eutopian, picturesque descriptions..my surroundings are not quite up to
the five star, creme de la creme luxurious standards that were promised in the glamarous
brochure, that was slapped in my face upon my arrival..
 Far from it.
There is no pool..the booze is watered down..and the maid still hasn't turned up to clean our room.
 I feel i am being short changed.
..The management doesn't seem very enthusiastic about our complaints or suggestions regarding the service here..
 In the last few days, we have had no hot water.
If one feels like cleaning themself, and despite what the authorities might think, most people like to do this regularly (and by regularly i mean more than once a week!), you have a few minor obstacles in your way..
 The first, you need to get your rambo on and clear the shower/hosing down area of cockroaches.
Big ones. As big as your thumb big.
 They tend to breeze out the drain the moment you get naked, and just stand there staring at you, with an almost
"AND WHAT! PRICK!" look on it's little stupid face..
 Once that is out the way, its time to attempt to 'wash' yourself..with water that trickles out the shower nob like an old man shooting his load..Apart from this ain't no luke warm old man spunk you're washing yourself with..it's water that is cold enough to enduce a fucking STROKE..As one inmate put it..
"that showers so damn cold it felt like someone was smackin' my balls with a brick"
Word.
 I know what you're thinking..what would perfectly compliment having no hot water, to make your stay at
Disneyland Manhatton even more special?
 How about...drum roll..no toilet paper!! YEHHHHHHH!
..One must share with you, the beautifully serene, magical experience..that is being almost naked,
freezing cold, and being forced to tear up the tshirt you are wearing into small rags, to use to clean
your shitty asshole..
 I can tell you straight, that's something that never fails (it happened more than once) to make
you feel like a million bucks, for real.
 I can't knock this place to be honest..We get some type of meat every week (i think it's either pheasant or quail, or so they tell me) the staff are always around to answer any questions you might have..but i think there is some kind of
language barrier involved, as most of my questions get the same response, an angry
"SHUT UP AND FUCK OFF"
 I'm confused. Perhaps i don't have the lingo down yet?
I mean, i asked some of my fellow inmates for some pointers, and they told me i should just throw the words YO, HOLMES, and 'all these n****rs is bums' into sentances..but that seems to only enrage people, and provoke violence towards me?
I don't know man..maybe i'm just not saying it right.

Yard Manz

I hate the weekends.
But, i have tunes. On saturday, til 12 in the afternoon, there is a sick reggae set on 89.9fm WKCR.ORG,
and i rinse it every saturday without fail..Yesterday was no different, the moment i woke up, after spraying some
air freshner to get rid of the smell of 'turkish balls and n****r nuts', banged the headphones in, and was purely jamming..
 Every cup of tea of coffee i have has around 6 packets of sugar in it..which means i'm on a constant paper chase, for
these shitty little packets of 'sugar'. It isn't real sugar, as if they gave that out people would use it for making
hooch/moonshine/wine..you don't have to use real sugar, but still, that's their reasoning..
 While on my search for sugar, i go ask this dude known as 'Cash money', who's a Jamaican guy, around 4 foot tall,
and PURE jokes..I talk to him on the regs whenever i'm feeling shitty, and he always seems to life my spirits.

..So off we go to his cell, i hadn't been there before..his cellie is another Jamaican dude. Upon entering the cell,
his cellmate looks at me smiling
"TIMMY BWOY! TIMMYS A REAL GOOD BWOY"
Cash money just repeats this, and they both say it about 3 times each before calming down..
 After giving me my nesecary morning fix of sugar, i tell them to put the radio station on..which they do,
and spend the next five minutes being very hyper, shouting about how they can't believe
i am listening to this 'bad man station'..

 They ask me to sit down, and talk to them about what is on my mind..i oblige..
Most people ask me the same shit in here, a variation of 'how the fuck did you get in here'..i tell them the short version,
basically i was newly married, me and my wife got arrested, and she decided to blame me for everything (which is in the process of backfiring as the authorities have caught her out lying :D ) to get off the hook..
"SHE'S GARBAGE MON, STRAIGHT GUTTA TRASH! ya young Timmyboy, a good boy like yaself soon be outta
dis, den ya get yourself tree, four wives! GOOD woman too! You be pinchin yaself in no time bwoy!Tink ya dreamin
under da sycamore tree"
 This makes me feel a little better,
i explain to them how until recently, i was very pissed off that i was being held in jail, and my ex wife was not, and seemed to be getting away scott free for her crime..but that i now understand that she was destined to go back to middle class 'alternative' suburbia, while i need to go through this to prepare myself for my next adventure in life..every ten seconds of this conversation, they are both 'spudding' me, shouting "AMEN!" and saying things like
"lord dun CARE about dat WICKED girl, but he has plans for you boy, he trying to show you that you are the chosen one! mon!"
 When leaving their cell, they give me some parting advice too..
"when you pray to gad, ask him for the MOUNTAINS, not no molehills..jah grant you anyting so ask 'im for BILLIARNS MON!"

Bate Bundowns

If i got caught bunning a zoot down, i'd be in big shit...
..But depending who the guard is on duty, and how much of a dangerous individual you are, the rules are sometimes bent or broken..

 Sha tells me a story..
It's 9am. He decides to have a zoot for breakfast, as you do!
..The technique of this is no secret, you lie on the floor, next to the air vent that you have pulled out of the wall so it sucks all the smoke/smell out, and bun it down..This is usually done late at night, so there isn't any chance of being busted..

..So, Sha is lying down on the floor smoking a joint at 9am, and lo and behold one of the guards walks over and taps on the window..
"w...what the fuck? Manson!?"
Sha responds..
"Either come in or close the door n****r!"
the guard opens the door,
"Is that a cigarette? are you smoking weed!?"
"yeh n****r, you wanna hit?"
The guard simply closes the door
"This n****rs buggin!