what's my mother fucking name

When i walk around the jail, random people usually shout
"YO TIMDOG/TIMDAWG/TIMDAG"
a lot of times, every time i leave my cell. Today was a little different.
 Everyone on my tier decided to sing this song, all day, again and again, but replacing the name Snoop with Tim.
Listen to it, and imagine how my day has been today.

altogether now...tim doggy doooog...

Mans Yard

I hate living in this toilet. But you have to make the best of things..

The room actually resembles a public toilet, that someone has flung a couple of bunk beds into..oh, we have
a few plastic chairs too! Flossin'!
 There is a metal desk, that has a brown tshirt covering it as a table cloth, and on top of that there is an assortment
of books..graffiti, tattoos, self help, japanese samurai novels, things like that..We paid some
guy to make us some shelves the other day too, he assembled them from some cardboard that was salvaged from
a box that housed all the inmates toilet paper, some string, and disposable razors that have been jammed in
between bricks to keep it all up and 'sturdy'..
 The room has a shitload of spanish writing on the ceiling..which one day i'd love to find out what the hell it means..
When i first came into the room, i wasn't doing so good..i would spend hours, days even, staring at the ceiling blankly letting my mind run away into all kinds of negative, unhelpful destructive thoughts..
 This kind of retarded behaviour went on for a long time, i was dealing with a lot of big changes in my life, my brain was coming to all kinds of conclusions and realisations, some days it was all a little too much. Then someone made the beautiful gesture of sending me some books to help me cope with all of this, and it did wonders..it helped me to accept the way things had panned out, accept peoples behaviours towards me, and ultimately understand that not everyone has the same values as me, and as long as i hold people to these same values, i will constantly be let down..
 After these life changing epiphonies happened, i took it upon myself to write some quotes of my own on the ceiling, walls, and anywhere else that wasn't visible to the guards when they do their lame ass walk around checks on the rooms..Once in the room, you can see them all, it looks like someone has lost their mind, which i guess wasn't that far from the truth at the time..
 The room usually has a rolled up jumpsuit next to the door, for two reasons...one for stopping suspicious smells from exiting and sneaking up the po pos nostrils, leading to a one way ticket to Solitarysville Tennesse, and two to stop mice from coming in. Mr Mouse, as he is known, is a sneaky little bastard..i've watched him sneak under the door, and make his way around the room..sticking to the walls, some next stealth mouse! I usually just shoo it out the room, because if Sha sees it, he goes mental and starts tearing the room up, which is hard not to find amusing, especially when that just infuriates him more..no need to encourage him!
 Lastly, my Manhatton yard is on the 9th floor, and my cell faces the front of the court on Pearl Street..i see a big group of people performing yoga...perhaps one day i will be able to join them? Probably not!

Shit in a Bag Yo

It's been a FUCKING long day..

 Right at this moment, i'm enjoying an ice coffee, listening to 'The Night Train' radio set on WKCR.org 89.9..chilling.
But all has not quite been so hunky dorry in the last twenty four hours...

 I usually don't get up until around eleven o'clock..I should get up early,
especially as Sha has warned me (and i have witnessed) people will fuck you
up while you're asleep..But the assorted array or crude hidden tools i have stashed
at arms reach around my bed keeps me feeling safe enough to snooze as much
of my bid away as possible..Plus, when you're dreaming of being on the tv show
'American Gladiators' and have Scarlet Johanssons legs wrapped around your face,
mans wants to keep snoozin' you geeeeet me!
..Not today i'm afraid...just before miss Johansson eats the sujuk
i am awoken abruptly by my cellie
"YO! It smells of turkish balls and n****r nuts in here, wake the fuck up man..we got class"
 Before i leave, Sha informs me that there is no water til One pm today.
Yep, no WATER. Taps don't work, toilets don't flush. SERIOUSLY!?

..I guess my morning shit can wait til later today..
It's 9am, i can let it ferment for a few hours still..

 There is a huge line at the ice dispenser, people are stocking up on ice and microwaving it for something to drink..i don't bother, i've brushed my teeth already and 1pm isn't that far away, i can wait...

 So..off to class!
Our teacher's name is 'Biz', and ironically enough, the class is to learn the basics of starting your own business!
 After a brief introduction, we go around the group, stating our initial ideals or plans for our business'...
Like most things in this jail, this class turns into pure jokes..I mean,
when you have KNOWN coccaine barons stating that there 'new' ideas for a business is, in their own words,
"export product from my country'
and even the TEACHER is saying shit like
"do something you love to do! i love to smoke trees, so i'm gonna start growing my own trees when i get out"
..it's hard not to crease..
 The jokes part is, all these 'classes' go on record, you get a certificate at the end, and that is shown
to your judge upon sentancing to show that you used your time inside productively! Nice!

..class is done..
..One o clock passes..
..Still no water..
 The rumour on the 'street' (i fucking wish), is that the water isn't coming back
on until after five thirty..i THINK i can stop Donatellos bonce from sneaking out my butthole til then..




SEVEN o clock rolls around, and STILL no fucking water is up in this joint..
 The atmosphere is getting extremely shitty. Literally. You can smell it in the air..
Heads are walking around licking off the rankest farts, and these joints ain't wafting away..these
are protest farts, standing their ground, kicking up a stink of biblical proportions..

 Word gets around that we may not get water until tomorrow...

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

 FOR FUCK SAKE, they expect us to sleep in our cells, with shit just marinating up in the motherfucker?
Yes. Yes they do..
 FUCK that. and FUCK YOU! It's time for action!!

 Without proper running water, there is no way to dispense of your waste. So you improvise..
Plastic bin bags are distributed around (on the low, po po dun know) and almost perfectly
sychronised, man dem start shitting in their bins...Once shat out, one then proceeds to dump
the little package of jailhouse truffles into the rubbish bin next to the guards office :D !
 But the fun doesn't stop there!!
Some of the more off key inamtes feel this doesn't send a loud (or rank) enough message
to the powers that be..

..Bags of shit are placed in the microwave, hidden around the unit like prizes, and put in the
clothes dryer on the highest heat setting.. :D :D :D

 While watching the guards running around on their scavenger hunt for bags of poo is rather
humurous, today has been very eye opening and humbling also..
..I mean, i never thought i would be in a position that i would think of a working
sewage system as a luxury..


..As i said, it's been a long day.
The water is back on, i have taken a shit, shower and had an amazing meal cooked for me by my freind
Q, it consisted of fried rice and bbq chicken..safe for that one mate! He works in the kitchen,
and always puts aside packets of sugar for me in the mornings (i never get up for breakfast) as i
drink coffee like a fiend, using 6 packets of sugar in each one..
 Speaking of, it's around 230am, i should probably stop drinking coffee now and get some sleep..who knows
what tomorrow might bring?
 Some mail? My attorney? Crack?
retribution for the shitfest earlier? who knows!? but on that note..

  Photo by Timo Stammberger http://www.timostammberger.com/

Long Day

 I'm eating a bag of plantain chips (look them up, they're BAD) and i notice Sha preparing to take a shit..
"c'mon man, i'm eating"

"Fuck that n****r, you gotta be prepared for war, this is training :D "

...*sigh*...

..It's been a long day.
Actually, boring day is more accurate.

..I'm fucking tired.
It's only eight in the evening, but i've spent most of today just working out..it's good!
 I feel healthy, and it's starting to show..

 About a month after i first came in, i looked fucking terrible..

 I had lost a SHITload of weight due to stress, my hair was crazy long, slicked back, and
my beard was all over the fucking shop..

 I looked like Oldboy, when he's bugging the fuck out (coincidently early in HIS incarceration)..

 Luckily, now is a different story..
I am in the best shape i've been in for years..I get my beard and hair trimmed by M every two weeks,
with his excellent razor blade-taped to comb technique..Man's trying to keep it together! Not only
for the female guards, but for my own self esteem..it makes me feel good :)

 Some new dude asked Sha who his cellie was today,
and Sha points at me and says
"That n****r, Gerard Butler"
..I think that was a compliment?

 My favorite radio set is on tonight (Tuesday) 'The Night Train' on WKCR.org (89.9fm),
it ain't on til one in the morning though...LONG!
 Plus, the 'elevator' is out of service at the moment..i think they've been doing maintenance work
or something the last couple of days..which means no 'germs' or crackalicious goodies to bun down :(

..All is not lost though!
I managed to blag a can of pepsi off my buddy T, and one is currently
sipping this bad boy on the rocks, while listening to some Brazilian Jazz, while
glancing out the window at the snow covered sidewalk below..

..Sha is outside the cell playing poker/hustling motherfuckers out of many a tuna..

..For some reason he has a towel on his head. He looks like some kind of O.G Sultan..He keeps
getting mad and smashing his hand on the table shouting
 "FUCK YOU N****R"
..I don't think things are going very well at the 'casino' tonight..

 I'll be honest, it looks like things could take a turn for the worse..This towel he is using for a
hat/headscarf seems to be inspiring some kind of Egyptian themed beatdown/flip mode..
 It wouldn't be the first time either..I've seen it all before..

..The table goes flying..people are screaming "CALM DOWN DOG!"..
and generally it just creates an awful mess and gets everyone locked down for the next few hours..

 Yep he's just thrown all his cards on the floor, here we go again..

bore man up

 In jail things ain't pretty.
There are many ways for a guy to get fucked up, killed, horrendously disfigured, crippled, mamed etc..
 I asked a few different inmates some of the ways that these acts can be delivered..

Stabbings. Mostly done with DIY knives, which can be made from ALL KINDS of materials, from toothpaste tubes, to plastic spoons, anything that can be melt, twisted, and morphed into a sharp T1000 esque knife, or stabbing weapon..

Throwing boiling water. This is more common than you might think..all it takes is a microwave, and a disagreement. There are unlimited possibilites when it comes to what liquid you choose to throw on your 'opponent', whether it's a drink, piss,
or even human excrement, boiled to volcanic temperatures..

 I ask Sha for some examples, he simply answers
"Man, dudes just fucking kill you with their bare hands. Simple!"

Poison-this doesn't nessecerily have to be done to kill someone, inmates regularly poison each other,
just for laughs. This can include anything from pissing in someones drink, to baking (in the microwave)
someone a cake for their birthday, that is made from 99 per cent laxatives :D
..But also it isn't too uncommon for people to someone's heroin with rat poison.

Death by falling-On the higher tiers, and mostly in actual prison compounds, if you want to
take out an adversary, simply throw them off a balcony. Simple, effective.

Dumbell-One of the more obvious weapons..we don't have dumbells here for that very reason,
because of the ludicrously high chance of death that occours when you hit someone in the head
with a weight. Another weapon which is confined to the prison compound/yard..

"a N****r stick a pen in your eye, you're fucked up man"

Blinding people-Say someone picks a fight with you, and they're clearly bigger and
stronger than you..so, either lose face and get shit beat down your leg, or give yourself a helping
hand by throwing salt of piss in their eyes before battle commences!

Needles-There is a makeshift 'hospital' ward in the prison. This has good points and bad points.
One of the good points, possibilities to steal supplies for whatever project one is concocting.
One of the bad points, possibilities for people to steal supplies like needles to stab you with,
even with the intent of breaking the needle off in your arm/face/leg/groin.

"they used to sell baby oil but n****rs were setting people on fire"

 I had the misfortune of seeing, while researching this post, many prison scars.
I think i mentioned before that, in here, i have seen the most horrendous scars and disfigurements to date,
and this seems to constantly being upgraded every time we get new inmates shipped in...

Dirty razors-I saw an inmate who had some absolutely sick scars from a knife attack he endured upstate..he was stabbed
multiple times with a 'dirty razor'. Inmates will soak a razor in bleach, or vinegar, for months at a time..even burying razors outside in the dirt for anything up to half a year, to make sure it is completely infected. Then after stabbing an individual with such a razor, it produces a 'keloid' (check spelling) which basically makes the flesh around the wound bubble up through the open hole..seriously gruesome!

Dog bites-I know this isn't really a prison related wound, but i had to put this in.
 One of Shas associates was bitten by a security dog a few years ago, and the mutt wripped out (and ate) his shin..With no decent insurance, he went to a dodgy surgeon to get his leg repaired/saved..and the surgeon decided the best route was to take out his calf muscle and replace his shin with it...it looks awesome.

 After all this violent talk, i go relax and make myself a cup of tea. How quintessentially Brittish :D
Complete with biscuits too..i'm chilling, not thinking about violence or bloodshed, and i overhear from
outside my cell..
"YOU WERE BORN IN THIS LIFE, TO PAY ME.
NOW IF YOU THINK I'M LYING, DON'T HAVE MY
MONEY AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS. N*****R."