....

:(

-Shake

-Shake

-Arms up

-Turn around

he's second best out of the whack n****r's

Identical periods of twenty four hours..

That is my life.

Each new one is a chance to do it all again..

Give it another try..

See if i can do it better..

I sometimes ask myself what i would do if i found out
my days were to be cut short.

If i only had a certain amount left..

What would i do with them?

Whatever answer i come up with it usually
has something to do with connecting with people
and making sure i don't leave any loose ends.

Given the ample amount of time i have to
sit around in here and twiddle my thumbs..

I end up asking myself why I'm not doing it today?

If it's that important and would take precedence over
everything else in my life if my days were numbed,
why do i not make the effort to get it done anyway?

Why does the threat of death have to loom over
my head in order for me to do the important things in life?

A good guess would be that i am ignorant as to how much time
i have to get these things done.

Having Turkish genetics doesn't help either..

At least not in this situation..

From time to time i do try.

Apologies are made..

A hand is reached out..

I'll try to open up the lines of communication,
sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't but it's about
the effort not the outcome.

I usually get the idea from a dream or a thought that pops into my head,
someone i haven't seen or spoken to in a very long time will appear in some
kind of vague image or form and it will be enough to remind me exactly why
i used to fuck with them in the first place..

In the instance of this evening?

It's coming from my being very tired..

I worked out for three hours earlier today.

My bunkie cleaned the cell a few days ago but didn't bother
washing the floor or cleaning the shitty toilet so i took care of
that shit too..

Then to make matters worse i decided to have a hench mug
of regular coffee instead of decaf because there's some nice
tunes on the radio tonight.

Clever stuff..

:/

But WHATEVER the reason..

Sometimes when i sit alone in this prison i think about the people
i haven't spoken to or that i wish i could speak to again and whether i
would be at peace if something happened.

It really isn't that hard.

I just have to grab my nuts.

:)

I know this much..

When someone makes the effort to reach out to me,
whether they write me a short letter or send me an email,
the last thing i am concerned with is what has happened in the past,
how long it has been since we last spoke or the reasoning for how
we drifted apart in the first place.

I'm just happy to hear from you.

Perry Noid

I fasted for three days this week.

-Monday

-Wednesday

-Friday

Now i am very sick.

Lesson learned.

The central heating is on full blast.

There's nothing you can do except for slumping in a corner
with no shirt on and a wet towel wrapped around your head.

This shit is crazy..

So given the chance to go up to the roof for an hour of fresh air and sunlight?

Baring in mind it's actually January in New York City so it's supposed to be cold?

I make a quick coffee..

Put a sweatshirt over my shoulders Carlton Banks style..

An go line up at the door for the roof guy..

There's a small doorway in the corner that I've been
cotching in recently.

I fold up a jacket and put it on the floor for a pillow..

Peel the lid off my coffee..

An star at one of the adjacent sky scrapers that tower
over the caged ceiling of my view of the world..

There's a nice cold breeze that blows from underneath
the door ever now and then.

It feels good..

As I'm sitting here people keep passing me by,
either guys running after basketballs, older Spanish gentleman
who are pacing the yard or just dudes walking around pump faking
rapping along to whatever bollocks is playing on hot97..

A lot of people ask me if I'm Ok.

I guess they're used to seeing me running around,
knocking out sets on the pull up bar or just generally
doing something, so when they see me sitting still
and not talking to anyone it must be something
out of the ordinary..

It's nice when they enquire.

Especially when i don't know them.

"tu estas bien?"

I'm just enjoying a bit of calm before going back downstairs..

It's nice when people come and join me on the stoop.

My friend Buju sat with me today..

Not that one.

He IS Jamaican and instead of calling him Jamaica which is the typical
handle people give you when you're from somewhere out of the States..

People call him Buju.

Today he is wearing an extremely large sweatshirt and a grey hat,
because of him having a very tiny head it looks funny.

:D

We used to play football together..

Now there are too many people that play basketball and I'm NOT
gonna be the only person who is arguing with them on 'soccer day'
as that shit gets long, everyone gets pissed with ME and if the other
people that wanna play football ain't gonna say shit..

Then fuck it!!

We ain't gonna play!!

....

Anyway..

Me and B-star have never really spoken before.

Not properly..

If he sees me he usually shouts my name really loudly.

Not for any particular reason..

Thing is though, you'd be surprised how motivational it can be
having someone you don't particularly know scream your name
in a crowded place for no particular reason..

:)

So he joined me on my stoop.

We talked..

He spoke about religion for quite a while.

I listened to him explaining his Christian viewpoints and
the things that help him, reading the bible, certain passages of text,
for the most part i just listened and spoke when there where specific
points he brought up that i agreed with.

It's much better having conversations that way.

What is the point in me telling him i don't agree with something
that helps him?

Why does he need to know?

I don't think it will help the conversation or in fact help that man
in any way shape or form..

If anything it'll just piss him off or make him feel distant from me..

(Not everything needs to be discussed)

After a while we started to exchange stories about our lives
prior to being incarcerated and the things we used to get up to.

We compared our lives outside and what we used to get up to
to the routines we have made for ourselves in here, then naturally
got to the point where we started asking questions about how life
would be outside if the same prison routines were applied..

It got me thinking about my life..

My OLD life that is..

In here we get one hour of sunlight and 'fresh' New York City air every seventy two hours.

Often this is cancelled.

For no reason..

So sometimes we go at least a week
without ever being in direct contact with
the sun or with the air outside..

There was a period of my life back in 2010 and even back in the UK
when i would not leave my house for days on end.

Would just move from room to room without little care of
what the hell i was doing or what i COULD be doing..

Funny looking back..

Now the highlight of my week is spending an hour outside.

I look forward to it for DAYS..

Just to breath in some un-recycled air and feel the sun warming my skin,
to be able to stand outside and with the wind blowing, to look up at the sky,
it's what has kept me going for the last couple of years, it's all i look forward to,
just spending a little bit of time out there..

When i look back i have to laugh.

Sometimes i ask myself how i got into this situation..

Never mind.

You live and you learn..

One thing I'm DEFINITELY thankful for?

My tastes have matured.

voila

magic

ala-ala-ala

If you walked into a room and someone was jerking off..

What would YOU do?

Homeboy is in his cell.

He has the towel wedged over the window
to let motherfuckers know that he is either
taking a shit or beating his meat.

His bunkie needs something out of the cell and without
thinking opens the door to go and get it..

He sees Homeboy.

Instead of closing the door..

He comes INTO the cell, makes his way NEXT to homeboy on the bed,
who is still holding his DICK IN HIS HAND and calmly grabs his radio.

Then leaves..

Like nothing ever happened..

He used tea leaves an mixed it

I've just finished another day fasting.

This is the second day I've done so this week..

It's probably noticeable that i go through good periods
and bad periods during my bid. This is only natural as sometime's
my energy gets low but when i fast i KNOW that my energy is going
to be somewhat depleted and i also am aware that the day after i
fast I'm going to feel really good. So it struck me that perhaps i should
give it a try fasting every other day. That way i know exactly when the
challenging days are coming and it will be easier to deal with..

At least that's the plan anyway.

:)

I slept until about mid-day today too which is a very rare occasion,
nobody came and woke me up, just slept for hours upon hours and
i think it's been weeks in the making. I needed it. Plus it gives me
an excuse to really go hard with all the working out and other things
that I've been putting off due to lack of rest recently..

It's just past ten thirty in the evening right now.

As always I'm sitting cross-legged on my prayer rug,
enjoying a cup of coffee with a few spoons of cocoa that I've
been throwing in recently.

It gives my life a little spice.

Variety..

:/

Yeah i know..

There's some English girl singing on the radio.

I've heard her before..

What's different is that she's actually doing an interview
on this show called The World Cafe and I'm finding her
English accent really cute.

I think they said her name is Leona Lahavis..

I could be wrong..

But she sounds really cute!!

Am i right?

Or not?

It's pretty strange how as I've been raised in England,
I'm actually now finding the accent really attractive. All them years
being there obviously i didn't pay it no mind as it was MY accent but
after having my ears filled with American twang for all this time I'm
actually starting to really appreciate the lingo back in the big smoke.

As you might imagine after being in this country for a few years,
even before my arrest, my accent has slightly change. I don't notice
it until i call someone and hear their reactions to me talking shit down
the phone. Usually as i haven't spoken to the person I'm calling in a while,
sometimes even years, i try to be a little polite but with heads I'm more
comfortable with they bare the brunt of it..

Example..

I got on the phone earlier today and had an in-depth conversation
with a good friend across the Atlantic about the American obsession,
at least in the prison system, with bitches have huge asses. There is no
logic behind any of it and even if the bitch is buck ugly with a face like
Crime watch, as long as her ass is big, even if it's pure flab, they go crazy
for the girl no matter how much she looks like a dogs dinner..

But yeh it only just occurred to me..
Many hours later into the night..

That my effortlessly frequent and non-chalant use
of the word bitch and bitches might or even could
have been taken offensively.

Sorry about that..

..An then we made love

This is the first day fasting in almost two weeks.

I get easily side-tracked at the moment and keep bunning it off with shitty excuses,
like that i should be eating more so i have more energy or that i need the rest,
which is bollocks I'm just getting lazy or too comfortable,
so today I'm doing something about it.

Plus it gives me feel a feeling of control in my life.

I know it's only food but fasting reminds me that i am in control of things,
that if i put my mind to it i can do whatever it is i desire, fasting for twenty four
hours isn't exactly an Olympian task but it's good enough to give me confidence in
my own abilities and strength of mind.

As always i had a little bowl of cereal with some cake smushed in it for breakfast,
with a few chopped up apples in for good measure, then nothing for about twenty six hours,
an it's done the trick, after breaking my fast this morning with a bowl of oatmeal,
i feel very good mentally and physically and also in control of what the fuck
is going in in my life right now.

Wanna know somethin' bugged?

I don't like looking in the mirror much when I'm fasting.

I look really gaunt, like, my veins stick out,
bags under my eyes, skin looks mad pale,
it's not a good look at all..

Imagine what a very naive 25 year old moustache wearing
idiot would look like after spending 28 months in a New York City
prison an you're probably not far off the mark..

I assure you i don't look that bad.

Not most days..

I have my hair cut very nicely, it's very short an combed back,
my weight is up, in fact i checked today and it's 167 pounds,
I've got my beard to it's longest it's ever been and it's shaped
and combed so looks pretty deep..

The past twenty four hours has passed very easily.

Been shifting through all the mail I've been sent since i came in here,
making a list of everyone who's been kind enough to write to me and STILL write to me,
would like to do something with it someday to show you how helpful it's been and how much
I've appreciated you doing so..

I tried to do a little creative writing yesterday but it didn't really go to plan,
the tier was too loud, people were shouting and rapping and screaming and arguing
over a game of poker because they're missing a card,

Even after about a year of playing with the same deck
no one has clocked why they keep losing their money..

At the same time there was a some Justin Bieber dubstep tune on the radio yesterday.

It made me feel overwhelmingly out of touch with the world..

At least enough to make me throw on my open toed sneakers
and scooch my ass over to the computer and do a little bit of typing,
reply to some nice emails i got sent, type up some random things on my mind,
and just generally waste a few of the pounds that people have kindly donated
to the Timothy Guvercin's Prison Comissary fund as it costs me like two dollars
for every forty minutes on this piece of shit..

Thankfully my parents sent me a few quid so I'm good for the next couple of weeks,
hopefully i won't be in here for the much longer.

If I'm home that'll be nice.

If I'm not then at least it'll be somewhere better..

Or at least different..

But anyway.

Today is our day to go to the store.

An i had bills to pay..

He only asked for a lady deodorant and a couple of soaps.

Considering that costs about three dollars and the man gives me
the best haircut I've ever had in my entire life i can't really complain!!

Especially considering i haven't seen a pair of scissors in years..

Or a knife and fork..

Or a glass..

:/

We get plastic mugs.

I'm at the point where i just assume the whole world lives in a child-proof environment like this,
where everything is rubber and anything remotely sharp is contraband.

It's easier that way.

My cup is looking a little ashy i must admit..

I put all these scratches on it so people know it's mine. If i didn't people would steal it. Then mark it and either pretend they don't know English or after it's been marked claim that it is theirs and I'm doing them a great disrespect for asking them for my shit back.

Which is when it gets long..

Speaking of cups i really need to drink more water,
i mostly just have huge mugs of coffee, don't get me wrong I've
cut down to about 2-3 a day but still i don't drink nearly enough water
and that's what got me in really good shape a few years back,
religiously drinking it all day..

My lame excuse is because it tastes bad in here.

Someone said that they put extra calcium in the water and that's why it tastes disgusting,
which it does, but I'm not sure if that's actually correct or just one of the many conspiracy theories
spinning around this place, i know that it fucks your skin up if you stay underneath the shower too long,
so perhaps they're onto something who knows..

An who the fuck cares..

I just want to leave this place.

:(

Anyway before i jump out the window here's some
tunes i heard recently that i thought you might like..

They're scrawled in front of me on a piece of paper
in a really shitty imitation of the Slayer logo..

I hope you like them.

***** *******

I want to stick my tongue as far as possible
up Taylor Swifts asshole then wiggle it 'til she
does that "weeeEEEE" bit from the song.

6th January 2013

What's up.

I haven't been writing anything recently as I've been busy with legal
work and preparing for my sentencing. Despite the system running,
at best, at a snail's pace, I'm slowly creeping closer to the day where
i will find out if I'm going home or going for a little trip around the
American Penile System.

Around a year and a half ago life used to be very hard for me. Most of my
days where spent in a very difficult state of mind where i would be re-running
what i am going to say to my judge when i see him, the more than reasonable
points i will be bringing up to warrant me going home and just generally spending
a lot of my energy grinding the same thoughts on top of one another for hours,
sometimes days on end.

Thankfully i don't do that anymore but as sentencing is (i hope) looming
in the next month or so i have to pay a lot of attention to the thoughts that
i frequent and whether they are going to lead to anything productive.

When you are handed paperwork that states someone is trying to
shove a ludicrous amount of jail time up your pink arsehole it's only natural that
at first you are going to be mildly concerned. Then reality or common sense
sets in and it's time to start breaking down the situation at hand and seeing
what i can actually do about it and what is out of my control.

I haven't fasted in the past week or two.

My reasoning was that eating properly and getting rest would be good
for me but this week I'll take a day aside to fast. I don't feel disciplined when
i skip it and when i DO actually complete a twenty four hour fast it gives me a
lot of confidence in myself and what i can do. So i think I'll fast tomorrow.

I'm still working out at least five days a week. The cardio routines have been
cut down, mostly due to my inability to run anymore, so they have mostly
been replaced by pull-ups. You can definitely tell I've bulked up this year and
my wings are noticeable. People enjoy slapping them when I'm sitting down.

I don't.

Occasionally I'll pull a blue biro out to knock out a page or two of sketches
but due to my lack of concentration at the moment it's going no further
than scrappy outlines and variations on throwups/handstyles. Those ultra
thick-lined sketches take about four hours to put together because they're
drawn with a biro and i haven't had any kind of inspiration to knock any of
them out for a while now. The last one i did was for my friend Lisa.

I hope you liked it.

:)

I told my bunkie I'd sketch him one to send out to one of his people,
sometime in the next couple of days i should really start hacking away
at it, he's never asked me to do him a sketch for anyone before so i
really should get it done..

My main priority at the moment is looking after myself and preparing for
sentencing. Boog tells me often that it's all about the effort you put into
something and not the outcome that matters. Thinking this way helps me
when i start to get paranoid or anxious about what's going to happen later
this month. When i concentrate on what other people are not doing, or what
i think they should be doing, it can get very stressful. I can't do anything about
it and despite how wrong i perceive their actions it's still out of my control so
not something i should invest my mental energy into. I only have control over
myself so as long as I'm getting everything done that is in my hands..

I was sorting through some of the books i have been sent and came across
one that my friend Timmo sent me early on into my bid.

It has a nice quote in it..

"Somebody should tell us, right at the start of our lives, that we are dying. Then we
might live life to the limit, every minute of every day. Do it! I say. Whatever you want
to do, do it now! There are only so many tomorrows." - Michael Landon

I like this.

The idea of being conscious that you are in the process of dying.

Not in a morbid sense of course..

I'm talking about being conscious that you are dying and having accepted your fate,
think about the frame of mind you would be in. Prioritizing the things you have in your
life would be very easy, naturally things would fall into place, situations that would usually
stir negative feelings would be paid no mind, life would flow and each moment would be
enjoyed for all it is.

Think about it for a moment.

Big Shirley

"I'm thinkin' of takin' my son to the Shaolin temple
an just leavin' that lil mu-fucker there..come back an
get him when he's BAD n shit..sen' that lil' n****r a
cheque once a month..Word"

"A hen who had just lost her sight, and was accustomed to scratching
up the earth in search of food, although blind, still continued to scratch
away most diligently. Of what use was it to the industrious fool?
 Another sharp-sighted hen who spared her tender feet never moved from her side,
and enjoyed, without scratching, the fruits of the others labor.
 For as often as the blind hen scratched up a barley-corn,
her watchful companion devoured it." - FABLES, Gotihold Lessing 1729 - 1781

Because i use Spell Check. I know it's Colours.

Even though your fingers are clasped around mine
you're being pulled away and i can see you above me as i fall..

Paper thin streaks of light mark the distance between us
and the once fresh image of your face starts to blur,
colors melt into one another and the sound of your voice
becomes more and more distorted as if I'm underwater
and you're far in the distance..

Mundane colors rush above my head,
colorful garments are replaced with jailhouse issue browns and greys,
trees, familiar faces and meaningful time spent with people i pine for
degreases into the present..

Reality.

It is time to start another day..

I try in vain to regain entry into last nights little episode of freedom but
after a few ten minute clusters of uncomfortable positions i can't do it,
there's too many thoughts running through my mind and it smells in here,
it's best i get up before i the deafening ring of Last Call for breakfast rings
through the unit..

For whatever reason he deemed justifiable,
my guess is a hybrid of being born with a microscopic penis
and an extreme dosage of ignorance towards the human beings
he is paid to keep in control, the man rudely declines my polite
request to get my brother a bowl of cereal and cake.

Reluctantly i return to my chamber one breakfast less than i had hoped,
it's strangely vacant in here and considering two minutes ago there was
a bunk bed filled with a mass of Boog that purely stank the room out..

I'm confused.

I initiate my investigation as to where my brother has gone by
softly placing a full and empty plastic bowl onto a towel covered table,
it doesn't go far as a rustling of coffee bags gives him away..

He was hiding in the corner of the room.

He does this often.

For no particular reason.

After i voice my surprise at his Houdini-esque prowess,
in the form of complimenting him on his female genitalia
and bacterial scented morning breath, i get a reply that
details why my face, currently clad in a rather long beard,
resembles a prostitutes used vagina that has violently
been forced through the menopause..

The earliness of the day cuts it short as many men
are sleeping and i want to take advantage of this by
skipping the computer line.

I want to see if anyone is checking for me..

Incase you ever want to ask me, even though I'd still like it if you did,
my breakfast are pretty predictable in here. Options are limited and even
though i like to think of myself as a moderately creative individual,
it's not going to vary that much.

For the blessed people of the street there is a little bit more on offer,
fruits, breaded goods, genitalia, anything you can imagine really,
as i enjoy hearing what normal people do each day i like to take the
time to ask specific people how they have started their day.

So i sent an email to someone asking what they had for breakfast.

Hopefully I'll hear back from them in the next couple of hours
and considering this mornings pickings of breakfast emails is slim,
it's back to the freshly aired-out cell for a cup of coffee..

One of my kind friends in Brighton sent me a couple of quid recently
and i spent it on some French Vanilla Creamer and Cocoa and Spearmints
so with a little twist of the wrist i made an exceptionally fruity cup of
coffee and sat back on my bed, mug in hand, throwing an occasional
glance out the window to the people walking below..

Today should be good.

I have a lot to do.