Monday, 31 January 2011
Female Company
..I have had some female company..
..I didn't expect to see this girl in a long time..
We have had a rollercoaster of a relationship since my early teens, when i first was
introduced to her by my brother in Brighton, England, at a Capdown show at the early
age of 13..ever since then she's been in and out of my life ever since.
..It has by no means been a healthy courtship..At times, it ground my life to a halt. It
stopped me from following my dreams, realising what is important to me, and ultimately had a big
helping hand in leading to me getting in this skiddy pants jail. I don't have any hard feelings towards her though,
as we are all responsible for our own actions..
..Never the less, her visit was more than welcome, and something that i will probably never forget,
considering the circumstances, scenario and setting..
I don't think i will be continuing the relationship any further though,
we all grow up at some point, and i think it's time we split for good.
..But i must say, for a last visit, we definitely went out with a bang :D
Sunday, 30 January 2011
He's a serial jerk off artist
My dude terrell put a 'cop out' in last August to move floors,
but nothing ever came of it. After that, he had decided to stay..I mean he was living in Brooklyn,
why the fuck would he want to move!? Especially as his original 'plea' was to move to the 11th floor,
which is known as Russia..cold, vast, unconquerable..
Out of the blue, the councillor tells him to pack his shit up and go..which is fucking dry!
T is a good freind of mine, and has helped me a lot in here..whether it's been with good advice,
or just listening to my bullshit, dude has been cool..But you can't argue though, when you're told to move,
you gotta go..so i help him pack up, and off he goes to the 11th floor...
..When someone goes, you can bet that in the same day, someone will be coming back to fill their spot.
Their is no end to inmates that need to be in general population..
So, 'Rells replacement comes. The dude looks like a fucking paedophile, like, seriously, you wouldn't trust
this guy for a second. And that's just from what he looks like..
Sha has some information on him...
"he's a serial jerk off artist"
what?
"he hides in cupboards and in other places, and jerks off while the female staff is on duty"
..Nice to know!
So anyway, Sha is in the office talking to the councillor, and this dude takes it upon himself to walk in the door,
stand at the back of the room, and listen to his conversation..not a good mood.
When he's done, Sha just walks up to the guy, and stands next to him. Doesn't move. When the councillor asks why Sha is still in the office, he simply replies
"I'm waiting for this clown to open his mouth so i can throw him through the fucking window"
He ain't joking either. The councillor manages to calm him down, and send the bug eyed freak to his cell..
Later that day, Sha catches up with him...he explains that the gentlemans conduct was very rude, and that this kind of behaviour doesn't go unpunished...he apologizes profusely, explaining he meant no harm, and would never mean to disrespect a man of Sha's reputation...he accepts the apology..
Then someone overhears the dude talking to the councillor later that day...
"i almost flipped on that big motherfucker"
..oh dear..oh dear oh dear oh dear..
I'm standing with Sha and one of his partners comes over and informs him of what this guy said about him, followed by
"Yo son, let's go break this n****r up"
I heard a lot of crashing and gurgling coming from upstairs earlier today, and i havn't seen the serial wanker since..
..Nevermind eh..
but nothing ever came of it. After that, he had decided to stay..I mean he was living in Brooklyn,
why the fuck would he want to move!? Especially as his original 'plea' was to move to the 11th floor,
which is known as Russia..cold, vast, unconquerable..
Out of the blue, the councillor tells him to pack his shit up and go..which is fucking dry!
T is a good freind of mine, and has helped me a lot in here..whether it's been with good advice,
or just listening to my bullshit, dude has been cool..But you can't argue though, when you're told to move,
you gotta go..so i help him pack up, and off he goes to the 11th floor...
..When someone goes, you can bet that in the same day, someone will be coming back to fill their spot.
Their is no end to inmates that need to be in general population..
So, 'Rells replacement comes. The dude looks like a fucking paedophile, like, seriously, you wouldn't trust
this guy for a second. And that's just from what he looks like..
Sha has some information on him...
"he's a serial jerk off artist"
what?
"he hides in cupboards and in other places, and jerks off while the female staff is on duty"
..Nice to know!
So anyway, Sha is in the office talking to the councillor, and this dude takes it upon himself to walk in the door,
stand at the back of the room, and listen to his conversation..not a good mood.
When he's done, Sha just walks up to the guy, and stands next to him. Doesn't move. When the councillor asks why Sha is still in the office, he simply replies
"I'm waiting for this clown to open his mouth so i can throw him through the fucking window"
He ain't joking either. The councillor manages to calm him down, and send the bug eyed freak to his cell..
Later that day, Sha catches up with him...he explains that the gentlemans conduct was very rude, and that this kind of behaviour doesn't go unpunished...he apologizes profusely, explaining he meant no harm, and would never mean to disrespect a man of Sha's reputation...he accepts the apology..
Then someone overhears the dude talking to the councillor later that day...
"i almost flipped on that big motherfucker"
..oh dear..oh dear oh dear oh dear..
I'm standing with Sha and one of his partners comes over and informs him of what this guy said about him, followed by
"Yo son, let's go break this n****r up"
I heard a lot of crashing and gurgling coming from upstairs earlier today, and i havn't seen the serial wanker since..
..Nevermind eh..
Thursday, 27 January 2011
Back to Brooklyn
Before i 'moved' to Manhatton, i live in Brooklyn.
Now, i reside on B tier...it is known as 'Brooklyn' in here..and it's live.
Anywhere you go in 9North, you can hear my tier.
Whether it's people screaming at the top of their lungs
"YOU'S A DIRTY N****R, YOU'S A DIRTY CHEATIN DICKHEAD N****R!"
..or the sound of a door slamming, silence, then lots of crashing around, with
the occasional "yeh motherfucker!", that usually signifies two chaps duking out their
differences, the spot is ALWAYS poppin'...
A lot of people are actually too prang to go down to my tier..
They see me as someone who is 'down', so ask me to make transactions in their favour..
As they put it "c'mon man, you got the hook-up with the brothers!"..
..It gives me some extra currency making these business deals for other people,
and eliminates the very real threat of them either being short changed, or straight up
robbed of whatever goods they had come to barter/exchange with..
The main currency people use in jail, is packs of tuna and mackarel.
It is used to gamble with, swap for other items or to pay people for
all kinds of services (NOT those kind of services you tramp)..
For example..
people send loved ones cards, and will pay you to design them something,
whether it's lettering, characters, whatever..In the last week i made two birthday
cards, three tunas a pop!
One was for a little girl named Hennessy (me no lie) and for someone's girlfreind
named Tameka..The first consisted of tattoo style script lettering, the second some
basic graffiti block letters with a few hearts and stars thrown in for good measure..
..easy peasy!
I mean, i spend most my time sketching, i may as well make some 'money' out of it right?
Plus, its three tunas for a 'germ' or a rock of crack, man's dun wanna get in debt you get me ;)
..Anyhow..i'm sick of people asking "Yo why do you always draw the same name"
EVERY fucking day of the week..
Nicknames in here come and go..Every person has a different name for you. Mostly non offencive mind..
(just so you know i don't take offence at being called a cracker or a white devil)
All the Jamaicans in here call me 'Timdag', or simply 'England', which is usually followed by..
"My yout Timdag, BIG tingz a gwan wid dis boi!"
Bless!
This dude on my tier B has taken to calling me 'Mickey Blue Eyes'.
I'm not sure if i actually have blue eyes, somedays they are green, others they are gray..who cares.
Either way it's a pretty funny nickname..he calls me that, or 'little Sha'..he came in our room at around
8am this morning, proclaiming "It smells of Turkish balls and N****r nuts in here" which was probably true..
Most of the time i work out on my tier.
It's easier that way. Plus, i don't have to be on point the whole time, worrying about whether one of the
many gang members in the unit are going to try some shit while i am out of breath or something..it happens
pretty often to people. It doesn't matter how much backup you have, when you are isolated or on your own,
they try to fuck with you..
..The empty metal tipped pen i have stashed in my waistband (no boofing for me thankyou!) is all the security
that i need at the moment..
Anyhow..
My workout regime consists of around 300 pushups, 250 situps, planks and squats. B usually finds it very amusing that i work out everyday..People try to take the piss out of me when i'm working out, usually because they know i'm getting bigger and they are just fetting fatter, but it doesn't phase me..Plus B usually says some shit back to them in my favour..
For example, today he had this to say..
"Damn Mickey, you's gonna be KILLING the pussy when you get out..SHIT..This Turkish n****r gonna
be back here on a murder charge!"
Now, i reside on B tier...it is known as 'Brooklyn' in here..and it's live.
Anywhere you go in 9North, you can hear my tier.
Whether it's people screaming at the top of their lungs
"YOU'S A DIRTY N****R, YOU'S A DIRTY CHEATIN DICKHEAD N****R!"
..or the sound of a door slamming, silence, then lots of crashing around, with
the occasional "yeh motherfucker!", that usually signifies two chaps duking out their
differences, the spot is ALWAYS poppin'...
A lot of people are actually too prang to go down to my tier..
They see me as someone who is 'down', so ask me to make transactions in their favour..
As they put it "c'mon man, you got the hook-up with the brothers!"..
..It gives me some extra currency making these business deals for other people,
and eliminates the very real threat of them either being short changed, or straight up
robbed of whatever goods they had come to barter/exchange with..
The main currency people use in jail, is packs of tuna and mackarel.
It is used to gamble with, swap for other items or to pay people for
all kinds of services (NOT those kind of services you tramp)..
For example..
people send loved ones cards, and will pay you to design them something,
whether it's lettering, characters, whatever..In the last week i made two birthday
cards, three tunas a pop!
One was for a little girl named Hennessy (me no lie) and for someone's girlfreind
named Tameka..The first consisted of tattoo style script lettering, the second some
basic graffiti block letters with a few hearts and stars thrown in for good measure..
..easy peasy!
I mean, i spend most my time sketching, i may as well make some 'money' out of it right?
Plus, its three tunas for a 'germ' or a rock of crack, man's dun wanna get in debt you get me ;)
..Anyhow..i'm sick of people asking "Yo why do you always draw the same name"
EVERY fucking day of the week..
Nicknames in here come and go..Every person has a different name for you. Mostly non offencive mind..
(just so you know i don't take offence at being called a cracker or a white devil)
All the Jamaicans in here call me 'Timdag', or simply 'England', which is usually followed by..
"My yout Timdag, BIG tingz a gwan wid dis boi!"
Bless!
This dude on my tier B has taken to calling me 'Mickey Blue Eyes'.
I'm not sure if i actually have blue eyes, somedays they are green, others they are gray..who cares.
Either way it's a pretty funny nickname..he calls me that, or 'little Sha'..he came in our room at around
8am this morning, proclaiming "It smells of Turkish balls and N****r nuts in here" which was probably true..
Most of the time i work out on my tier.
It's easier that way. Plus, i don't have to be on point the whole time, worrying about whether one of the
many gang members in the unit are going to try some shit while i am out of breath or something..it happens
pretty often to people. It doesn't matter how much backup you have, when you are isolated or on your own,
they try to fuck with you..
..The empty metal tipped pen i have stashed in my waistband (no boofing for me thankyou!) is all the security
that i need at the moment..
Anyhow..
My workout regime consists of around 300 pushups, 250 situps, planks and squats. B usually finds it very amusing that i work out everyday..People try to take the piss out of me when i'm working out, usually because they know i'm getting bigger and they are just fetting fatter, but it doesn't phase me..Plus B usually says some shit back to them in my favour..
For example, today he had this to say..
"Damn Mickey, you's gonna be KILLING the pussy when you get out..SHIT..This Turkish n****r gonna
be back here on a murder charge!"
Wednesday, 26 January 2011
The night train
Every Tuesday/Wednesdfay morning, on WKCR New York, 89.9fm,
there is a set played called The Night Train.
I look forward to it all week.
It's soul and funk, some seriously good music for the early hours..
If you look up the radio station online, you should be able to download/listen
to the set..
I seriously recommend you do.
And know that wherever you are in the world, whatever you're upto,
i'm listening to it in this shithole too..
At this very moment i'm having trouble enjoying it..they have the
heating on like crazy at the moment.
You CAN'T sleep/it's not advisable to sleep in your draws/boxers.
I found out the hard way. No pun intended.
..It's ten AM, time for the stand up count.
You have to get up out of bed, turn the lights on, and stand while they count
everyone in the unit to make sure no one has tried to escape.
Sha hits the lights..
"it's count, kid"
..In my medication induced coma, i quickly jump off the bunk and stand up..
The guard just laughs and shouts "DUDE!"...
Sha is laughing his ass off..as i stand there half awake with a steaming boner..
Luckily for me, the guard laughed it off..but if it was a female guard, mans woulda
been on a one way ticket to the box..quicker than you can say
'sustained erection'
there is a set played called The Night Train.
I look forward to it all week.
It's soul and funk, some seriously good music for the early hours..
If you look up the radio station online, you should be able to download/listen
to the set..
I seriously recommend you do.
And know that wherever you are in the world, whatever you're upto,
i'm listening to it in this shithole too..
At this very moment i'm having trouble enjoying it..they have the
heating on like crazy at the moment.
You CAN'T sleep/it's not advisable to sleep in your draws/boxers.
I found out the hard way. No pun intended.
..It's ten AM, time for the stand up count.
You have to get up out of bed, turn the lights on, and stand while they count
everyone in the unit to make sure no one has tried to escape.
Sha hits the lights..
"it's count, kid"
..In my medication induced coma, i quickly jump off the bunk and stand up..
The guard just laughs and shouts "DUDE!"...
Sha is laughing his ass off..as i stand there half awake with a steaming boner..
Luckily for me, the guard laughed it off..but if it was a female guard, mans woulda
been on a one way ticket to the box..quicker than you can say
'sustained erection'
quotes
Sitting around the card table, you hear some pretty fucking funny shit.
Granted, most of it is from Sha..but still.
"Yo timdog, you better put on the blog that i saved you"
What?
"Yeah, tell em some nasty n****rs tried to break you off and i saved you. that'll
get me some freak English pussy"
During a conversation about my exploits in NYC
"Man, n****rs your age are on some real freakazoid shit"
One of Sha's partners has a cellmate that wakes up in the middle of the night singing..
"Ain't no one singin in this motherfucker, a n****r do some real Rick Flair shit an piledrive you,
break your fucking neck"
The unit cracking down on cigarettes and drugs..
"Motherfucking crackers trying to fuck up a n****rs bid..fuck you motherfucker, what, cos
i came to jail i ain't supposed to break no laws? Fuck off man"
Granted, most of it is from Sha..but still.
"Yo timdog, you better put on the blog that i saved you"
What?
"Yeah, tell em some nasty n****rs tried to break you off and i saved you. that'll
get me some freak English pussy"
During a conversation about my exploits in NYC
"Man, n****rs your age are on some real freakazoid shit"
One of Sha's partners has a cellmate that wakes up in the middle of the night singing..
"Ain't no one singin in this motherfucker, a n****r do some real Rick Flair shit an piledrive you,
break your fucking neck"
The unit cracking down on cigarettes and drugs..
"Motherfucking crackers trying to fuck up a n****rs bid..fuck you motherfucker, what, cos
i came to jail i ain't supposed to break no laws? Fuck off man"
Tuesday, 25 January 2011
These clown n****rs are chumps
i get on with my cellmate Sha very well...Which is lucky for me,
i mean, you are forced to dwell in such cramped confinement with
another individual, that the smallest of problems can turn VERY nasty,
VERY quickly...
I am still more than suprised that the councillor (who's a complete idiot)
was cool with us sharing a cell..
You're supposed to be assigned a cell mate with a similar background to you..
..But yet they deemed it fit for this 25 year old English first time offender, with
no drugs or violence on his record..to share a cell with a man known as
'criminal' Sha, who has at least TEN YEARS jailtime under his belt and a HUGE
record of extreme violence and substance abuse..Perfect match!
It's always funny when i'm on a different tier, and i tell people who's my cellie..
"err...as in CRIMINAL Sha?!?"
yeh mang
"How's that working out? Are you ok Tim? Is he extorting you?"
Nah man, its all good, for real!
"You THINK it's all good, havn't seen him go crazy..wait 'til you see the blood.."
Sha finds all of this very amusing...
"These motherfucking n****rs think i'm crazy, these n****rs is chumps. Not
everybody, but the majority of these clown n****rs are chumps.."
He's right though. Most people in here kiss his ass like there's no tomorrow..
They usually call him things like 'Big Sha' or 'Big Dog', which he usually
replies to with a firm..
"You shut the fuck up"
...So it's lock in time..this happens a few times a day, this time it's
before 330..Sha is usually late back, mans gotta finnish his poker game..
The guard locks the door without him being back..if this happened to me,
i'd be going straight to the box..
But this ain't me..
A couple minutes later, my man arrives, smiling.
"Yo dog i'm about to blow up the spot kid!"
...fantastic news..
The guard unlocks the door, and Sha runs in and imediately pulls his
pants down, sits on the toilet and starts violently shitting..
He looks at me smiling
"You asked for it kid :D !"
HOW/WHAT THE FUCK!?
I think i would recall requesting to have the image of a 260 pound notorious bank
robber, grinning, spitting chunks of white hot bean fuelled turd into the toilet,
seared into my brain..
The guard comes back around to do the count..he sees me with a t-shirt tied around
my face, backjump style, shaking my head..and Sha sitting there naked on the toilet..
He's laughing his ass off, looking at me, and says
"Yo Harry Potter how you like New York"
Prick.
i mean, you are forced to dwell in such cramped confinement with
another individual, that the smallest of problems can turn VERY nasty,
VERY quickly...
I am still more than suprised that the councillor (who's a complete idiot)
was cool with us sharing a cell..
You're supposed to be assigned a cell mate with a similar background to you..
..But yet they deemed it fit for this 25 year old English first time offender, with
no drugs or violence on his record..to share a cell with a man known as
'criminal' Sha, who has at least TEN YEARS jailtime under his belt and a HUGE
record of extreme violence and substance abuse..Perfect match!
It's always funny when i'm on a different tier, and i tell people who's my cellie..
"err...as in CRIMINAL Sha?!?"
yeh mang
"How's that working out? Are you ok Tim? Is he extorting you?"
Nah man, its all good, for real!
"You THINK it's all good, havn't seen him go crazy..wait 'til you see the blood.."
Sha finds all of this very amusing...
"These motherfucking n****rs think i'm crazy, these n****rs is chumps. Not
everybody, but the majority of these clown n****rs are chumps.."
He's right though. Most people in here kiss his ass like there's no tomorrow..
They usually call him things like 'Big Sha' or 'Big Dog', which he usually
replies to with a firm..
"You shut the fuck up"
...So it's lock in time..this happens a few times a day, this time it's
before 330..Sha is usually late back, mans gotta finnish his poker game..
The guard locks the door without him being back..if this happened to me,
i'd be going straight to the box..
But this ain't me..
A couple minutes later, my man arrives, smiling.
"Yo dog i'm about to blow up the spot kid!"
...fantastic news..
The guard unlocks the door, and Sha runs in and imediately pulls his
pants down, sits on the toilet and starts violently shitting..
He looks at me smiling
"You asked for it kid :D !"
HOW/WHAT THE FUCK!?
I think i would recall requesting to have the image of a 260 pound notorious bank
robber, grinning, spitting chunks of white hot bean fuelled turd into the toilet,
seared into my brain..
The guard comes back around to do the count..he sees me with a t-shirt tied around
my face, backjump style, shaking my head..and Sha sitting there naked on the toilet..
He's laughing his ass off, looking at me, and says
"Yo Harry Potter how you like New York"
Prick.
Monday, 24 January 2011
fucking weekends
I hate the bloody weekends.
We get no post.
Even though i usually don't get anything, i
still like the idea that i MIGHT get something! It's something to look
forward to, still...
This weekend has been pretty uneventful.
Well, depending what way you look at it i guess..
Some Guards in the jail ain't so bad. They understand that we are
human beings, just like them...they don't give us any unesecary aggrevation.
Certain dudes, and women, will turn a blind eye to people smoking, gambling and
even the odd bout of fistycuffs..
They just don't give a fuck. They're here to get their pay cheque, not bust peoples
balls that are already in a very very low standard of living conditions. It's much appreciated :)
Then you have the Other kind..
Draconian cocksuckers, these fucking dick sneezes wake up with nuts on their chin, a dick in their
mouth and shit on their noses, from constantly opening up the butt cheeks of life, and welcoming
the shitty breeze of 'the man', farting in their stupid fucking faces.
In a scatty nutshell, these people love their jobs, and take great pleasure in doing everything in their power
to make our lives as miserable as possible.
They come in two varieties...
First, the vexed female. Possibly the best way i could describe this kind, is by using the same
comment that is made a thousand times by every inmates when they are on duty...
"Man, this bitch clearly ain't getting fucked..either that or her man is a sucker n****r"
The other kind is a small dicked police academy reject,
man's clearly trying to make up for something. Moron.
Anyhow,
on Friday, we were blessed with a certain vexed female guard. What a delight that was.
She was kind enough to shut off the power to the microwaves an hour early, for absolutely no
reason..keep us in our cells an hour after we were supposed to be let out, then after letting us out
for no longer than fifteen minutes, 'accidently' presses the panic button, flooding the unit with angry
guards and resulting in us all being on lock down for the rest of our evening. Thankyou miss R******,
You're the greatest x
..Fucking whore.
Saturday i almost bashed some numbskulls brain in with a metal tray, all over a soap dish.
He got sent to the SHU later that day though, after he packed all his belongings up and ran scared
to the guard saying he couldn't live in this unit anymore..all because the BHB Blood (Bounty Hunter Blood) he was
sharing his cell with was extorting money and food from him..
Just before he got moved though, he walked upto the blood, flinched like he was going to punch him (but didn't), the
blood smacked him one and they BOTH got sent to the SHU..
..More than likely to share a cell together..Have fun with that mate :D
Today has been pretty uneventful too.
Worked out, took a few 'New York Shits', nothing earth shatteringly epic.
Everyone has been shouting and going on spastic about some American footbal game, i think
it was the Giants Vs the Jets or some bullshit..Asif i give a flying fuck about american football!
I only see it, and only ever will see it as rugby for pussies.
Call me ignorant..i guess you could be right. You can't blame me for trying to fit in though right ;)
Oh, before i forget..some things you can't make up.
Today, sitting at the computer, someone genuinely asked me how to spell 'mmhmm', and
asked me if England was in London.
Ghod help mei.
We get no post.
Even though i usually don't get anything, i
still like the idea that i MIGHT get something! It's something to look
forward to, still...
This weekend has been pretty uneventful.
Well, depending what way you look at it i guess..
Some Guards in the jail ain't so bad. They understand that we are
human beings, just like them...they don't give us any unesecary aggrevation.
Certain dudes, and women, will turn a blind eye to people smoking, gambling and
even the odd bout of fistycuffs..
They just don't give a fuck. They're here to get their pay cheque, not bust peoples
balls that are already in a very very low standard of living conditions. It's much appreciated :)
Then you have the Other kind..
Draconian cocksuckers, these fucking dick sneezes wake up with nuts on their chin, a dick in their
mouth and shit on their noses, from constantly opening up the butt cheeks of life, and welcoming
the shitty breeze of 'the man', farting in their stupid fucking faces.
In a scatty nutshell, these people love their jobs, and take great pleasure in doing everything in their power
to make our lives as miserable as possible.
They come in two varieties...
First, the vexed female. Possibly the best way i could describe this kind, is by using the same
comment that is made a thousand times by every inmates when they are on duty...
"Man, this bitch clearly ain't getting fucked..either that or her man is a sucker n****r"
The other kind is a small dicked police academy reject,
man's clearly trying to make up for something. Moron.
Anyhow,
on Friday, we were blessed with a certain vexed female guard. What a delight that was.
She was kind enough to shut off the power to the microwaves an hour early, for absolutely no
reason..keep us in our cells an hour after we were supposed to be let out, then after letting us out
for no longer than fifteen minutes, 'accidently' presses the panic button, flooding the unit with angry
guards and resulting in us all being on lock down for the rest of our evening. Thankyou miss R******,
You're the greatest x
..Fucking whore.
Saturday i almost bashed some numbskulls brain in with a metal tray, all over a soap dish.
He got sent to the SHU later that day though, after he packed all his belongings up and ran scared
to the guard saying he couldn't live in this unit anymore..all because the BHB Blood (Bounty Hunter Blood) he was
sharing his cell with was extorting money and food from him..
Just before he got moved though, he walked upto the blood, flinched like he was going to punch him (but didn't), the
blood smacked him one and they BOTH got sent to the SHU..
..More than likely to share a cell together..Have fun with that mate :D
Today has been pretty uneventful too.
Worked out, took a few 'New York Shits', nothing earth shatteringly epic.
Everyone has been shouting and going on spastic about some American footbal game, i think
it was the Giants Vs the Jets or some bullshit..Asif i give a flying fuck about american football!
I only see it, and only ever will see it as rugby for pussies.
Call me ignorant..i guess you could be right. You can't blame me for trying to fit in though right ;)
Oh, before i forget..some things you can't make up.
Today, sitting at the computer, someone genuinely asked me how to spell 'mmhmm', and
asked me if England was in London.
Ghod help mei.
Dwayne Johnson
We are all sitting around the poker table,
as usual, it is a hotbed of intelligent, political, social, economical conversations..
After all, i am jamming with the eloite of society, and it's riveting stuff i can tell you..
"Hey mang, do you got the rock?"
What?
"A Dwayne Johnson mang, it make your chick explooode!"
My Puerto rican freind goes on to explain that having 'the rock' is a prison piercing
in your dick, to make your dick 'permanenty bigger', and they fix a piece of shaved down
domino to the end of your cock, to rub on the lucky lucky girls clit..hence the 'explooode'..
Wow.
Firstly, i am in jail.
Unless operation 'nob the Irish guard' comes to fruition, or i am bailed out,
these Turkish nuts ain't gonna be waist deep in pussy for a hot minute.
Secondly,
Of ALL the places for one to get his penis pierced, i can't think of many
a worse place than here. I mean for fuck sake, the 'surgeons' name is 'Banana'..
They explain...
Apparently this 'ritual' is usually watched by anywhere upto ten dudes, was performed
in MY fucking cell of ALL places, and the laundry guy was the 'spotter'...
For the small price of 200 dollars, this small dude will lovingly hold your joint while
a big burly man named Banana pierces the end of your penis with a disposable razor..
To be honest, B summed up this whole nasty process pretty well...
"N****rs shavin' down a domino then throwin it in a n****rs joint...FUCK that,
i don't trust NONE of these nasty n****rs.."
Word.
as usual, it is a hotbed of intelligent, political, social, economical conversations..
After all, i am jamming with the eloite of society, and it's riveting stuff i can tell you..
"Hey mang, do you got the rock?"
What?
"A Dwayne Johnson mang, it make your chick explooode!"
My Puerto rican freind goes on to explain that having 'the rock' is a prison piercing
in your dick, to make your dick 'permanenty bigger', and they fix a piece of shaved down
domino to the end of your cock, to rub on the lucky lucky girls clit..hence the 'explooode'..
Wow.
Firstly, i am in jail.
Unless operation 'nob the Irish guard' comes to fruition, or i am bailed out,
these Turkish nuts ain't gonna be waist deep in pussy for a hot minute.
Secondly,
Of ALL the places for one to get his penis pierced, i can't think of many
a worse place than here. I mean for fuck sake, the 'surgeons' name is 'Banana'..
They explain...
Apparently this 'ritual' is usually watched by anywhere upto ten dudes, was performed
in MY fucking cell of ALL places, and the laundry guy was the 'spotter'...
For the small price of 200 dollars, this small dude will lovingly hold your joint while
a big burly man named Banana pierces the end of your penis with a disposable razor..
To be honest, B summed up this whole nasty process pretty well...
"N****rs shavin' down a domino then throwin it in a n****rs joint...FUCK that,
i don't trust NONE of these nasty n****rs.."
Word.
Sunday, 23 January 2011
piss takers
There is no shame taking a shit in prison. In fact, there is no dignity in it either.
I mean for fuck sake, you're locked in a room with someone less than 2 metres away from you,
laying a cable. usually naked. There's no amount of smoke and mirrors that will make the situation better,
you've just got to laugh it off..and spray a shitload of air freshner!
Before Sha moved in, none of my previous cellies would take a dump while i'm in the room.
Sha don't give a flying FUCK. If he needs to shit, he's going to shit.
What the hell am i going to do about it? Ask him kindly NOT to shit?
..He also has a tendency of waiting until we get locked in to take a shit..
..I think he does it on purpose..
The usual routine is just before we get locked in, i will see him ripping off pieces of toilet
roll and getting the air freshner ready...and i will be asked to 'play window', which means facing
the window for about 10-15 minutes, until the epic armageddon shitting is over...
When people want to take a shit, or jerk off, they hang a towl over the window of the door.
It's like a 'do not disturb' sign..that no one pays any attention to.
Most of the time when you are shitting, or jerking off for that matter, people will pretend to
'bust' the door down, or will violently turn the handle shouting
"I'M COMIN IN PLAYA!"
..to say it ruins the mood when you are on a 'date' with a 'paper bitch', is an understatement..
Me an Sha have a kind of system though. If one of us needs a shit while the doors are unlocked,
you usually just say..
"err do you need anything from the room/i need a New York shit"
..But that doesn't always guarantee a drama free turd.
Yesterday i make the effort to track Sha down, and let him know that i'm going to squeeze something bad into the toilet..he says no problemo, he's busy playing cards..cool..
So about 5 minutes into my shitting, he opens the door...completely wide open, people walking past pointing and laughing at me sitting on the toilet looking very pissed off..he comes in and gets a bag, still with the door open, walks out, doesn't close the door, and just says
"SORRY PLAYA :D "
I mean for fuck sake, you're locked in a room with someone less than 2 metres away from you,
laying a cable. usually naked. There's no amount of smoke and mirrors that will make the situation better,
you've just got to laugh it off..and spray a shitload of air freshner!
Before Sha moved in, none of my previous cellies would take a dump while i'm in the room.
Sha don't give a flying FUCK. If he needs to shit, he's going to shit.
What the hell am i going to do about it? Ask him kindly NOT to shit?
..He also has a tendency of waiting until we get locked in to take a shit..
..I think he does it on purpose..
The usual routine is just before we get locked in, i will see him ripping off pieces of toilet
roll and getting the air freshner ready...and i will be asked to 'play window', which means facing
the window for about 10-15 minutes, until the epic armageddon shitting is over...
When people want to take a shit, or jerk off, they hang a towl over the window of the door.
It's like a 'do not disturb' sign..that no one pays any attention to.
Most of the time when you are shitting, or jerking off for that matter, people will pretend to
'bust' the door down, or will violently turn the handle shouting
"I'M COMIN IN PLAYA!"
..to say it ruins the mood when you are on a 'date' with a 'paper bitch', is an understatement..
Me an Sha have a kind of system though. If one of us needs a shit while the doors are unlocked,
you usually just say..
"err do you need anything from the room/i need a New York shit"
..But that doesn't always guarantee a drama free turd.
Yesterday i make the effort to track Sha down, and let him know that i'm going to squeeze something bad into the toilet..he says no problemo, he's busy playing cards..cool..
So about 5 minutes into my shitting, he opens the door...completely wide open, people walking past pointing and laughing at me sitting on the toilet looking very pissed off..he comes in and gets a bag, still with the door open, walks out, doesn't close the door, and just says
"SORRY PLAYA :D "
Maury
Anyone with a low IQ, or who hasn't got a job, watches the Maury show.
It's Americas version of Jeremy Kyle, but sadly the host is a crypt keeper looking mother fucker who has absolutely no talent, and contributes nothing to the program other than pointless comments he dribbles out his mouth in a stroke-like fashion..
Sha runs to come and get me, apparently i have to see this episode (it's a repeat)..
'Who's the father'. You know the deal. Guy has kids, pretends they ain't his, has to get a DNA Test..and the
dude on this show is a dad that you WANT to fail the test...
The 'guests' on this show, are real class acts.
There are two kids, with two mums, and one father who is denying any link to either of them..
"THEY AIN'T MY MOTHER FUCKIN KIDS" (it's bleeped but u get the idea)
So...they make the 'man' take a DNA test..But before the results come in, he has a few
choice words about the kids that could quite possibly be his..
"LOOK, HOW THESE SUPPOSED TO BE MY KIDS, THIS ONE (the boy) GOT A HEAD LIKE STEWIE FROM FAMILY GUY"
..All the audience fall out laughing...
"AND THIS THING (the little girl) LOOKS LIKE THE GRINCH!"
:o
Suprise suprise, DNA results come back, and they are both his kids. Despite the amazing
comments he said about both his children, he ain't convinced..
"WHERE'S THE REAL MOTHERFUCKIN' DNA TEST"
Amazing.
It's Americas version of Jeremy Kyle, but sadly the host is a crypt keeper looking mother fucker who has absolutely no talent, and contributes nothing to the program other than pointless comments he dribbles out his mouth in a stroke-like fashion..
Sha runs to come and get me, apparently i have to see this episode (it's a repeat)..
'Who's the father'. You know the deal. Guy has kids, pretends they ain't his, has to get a DNA Test..and the
dude on this show is a dad that you WANT to fail the test...
The 'guests' on this show, are real class acts.
There are two kids, with two mums, and one father who is denying any link to either of them..
"THEY AIN'T MY MOTHER FUCKIN KIDS" (it's bleeped but u get the idea)
So...they make the 'man' take a DNA test..But before the results come in, he has a few
choice words about the kids that could quite possibly be his..
"LOOK, HOW THESE SUPPOSED TO BE MY KIDS, THIS ONE (the boy) GOT A HEAD LIKE STEWIE FROM FAMILY GUY"
..All the audience fall out laughing...
"AND THIS THING (the little girl) LOOKS LIKE THE GRINCH!"
:o
Suprise suprise, DNA results come back, and they are both his kids. Despite the amazing
comments he said about both his children, he ain't convinced..
"WHERE'S THE REAL MOTHERFUCKIN' DNA TEST"
Amazing.
Friday, 21 January 2011
Have you ever seen a black mans balls
Life on my tier is never quiet. Ever.
For around eighty per cent of the day, dudes are playing cards outside my cell...
Laughing, joking, arguing and occasionally brawling..it's all go!
Most of the time it's all in good faith though, it's extremely easy passing the time in here if you
just pull up a chair to the poker/spades table and catch some jokeries...
Sometimes, the jokes in here go a bit too far and get people in trouble...
Like for instance when a white female guard was doing her rounds recently, and without
thinking about the repercussions, some clever motherfucker decided to ask her
"Have you ever seen a black mans balls"
..He was promptly dragged off to the SHU for a month..Silly sausage..
Most guards will join in on the jokes though, like earlier today...
One of the new guys on the tier, B, was talking about how he hates people walking around
with their trousers really low (its big here), that if you wear your 'pants' like that in Rikers Island,
"It's a motherfucking invitation for Booty Bandits to fuck you in the ass"
The guard butts in..
"You'd be suprised, there are Booty Bandits everywhere man"
B looks mad, he points to his cell...
"There ain't no Booty Bandits in that cell motherfucker! If there's a
Booty Bandit in this cell, he's finished! Donkey Kong that motherfucker.."
..About an hour later, B exits the game to go pick up his medication..when someone gets the
bright idea to pour some curry powder in his drink, to 'punk' him...
I take my leave.
No more than five minutes later, i hear ruptuous laughter, followed by screams of
"YO, CALM DOWN B, CALM DOWN N****R!"
..Accompanied by the sounds of chairs flying and people running..
Thursday, 20 January 2011
'she wants your macadamian turkish nuts'
This week makes four mother fucking months i have been in here.
That is around one hundred and twenty days.
..Unless someone miraculously decides to bail me out, i can expect
to be here for another twenty four months.
I am already thirsty as FUUUCK. Thirsty is a prison term, when you are
catting for some pussy..right now catting is the understatement of the
fucking CENTURY...
The only female contact you are going to get in here, is either if someone
comes to visit you, or the 'female' guards. Most of them are purely crutters,
skanky, ashy, buttery bitches.
..Not all of them though.
I should add that it's not unheard of for a guard to fuck an inmate or suck
them off, for money..Depending on how good you got game, sometimes for free.
Nice Nice :D !
So..
One day after i've been working out, i take a shower and head back to my cell just in
time to get locked in for the mid day count..A new Irish guard is on duty.
On the street, i would rate this chick as a 6 out of ten, at BEST, and that's if i was wearing
ultra thick beer goggles..but she has a fatt butt and a huge rack, so to me and Sha this broad
might as well be a redhead Scarlett Johansson.
"Dude, did you see the way she was looking at you?"
Nah man, what you saying?
"Son, she was looking at you like a piece of meat, you in there kid!"
:D !
Then Sha backtracks, and rightly so..
"second thoughts, i ain't seeing you go out like that kid. Ain't you
learnt your lesson from last time?"
He has a point. After all, fucking an Irish fluesy is what led to my
epic downfall in the first place..I don't really have anyone to blame..ALL
the signs were there..i mean for fuck sake, alarm bells should've rang
when on my wedding night i consumated my marriage by fucking my new
wife up her stinkin Irish ass! It didn't scream class and respectability..
Aaaanyway..Just like back then, before i was bamboozled into marriage
by an Irish broads butthole, Timothy Ozer Guvercin is not currently behind the wheel..
..captain cock is in the driving seat, and he ain't hearing NONE of it..
Sha is not helping.
"fuck it dude, hit her with some of that fly Sean Connery shit, Hugh Grant her shamrock ass"
In my extremely horned up state of mind, i run with it.
The rest of my day is spent effortlessly smooth talking this irish potatoe, to the point were she
ain't thinking about stewed tatties and guiness anymore, shes craving Raki and spicy turkish sausage!
The evening is spent getting schooled by Sha on the many things that are nesecary to succesfully make this
shit happen..
Firstly, i would need to volunteer as an 'orderly' (cleaner) so i could be allowed to stay out while the other
inmates are locked up..
Secondly, he schools me as to the location on every camera in the unit..not that i wasn't already aware of
their presence, years painting graffiti has given me a spider sense of security cameras that i can't quite
shake off yet..Still, he advises me on where would be the best location to attempt this sneaky, sly old wiley foxes stout
of a plan..
"Your best bet Timdog, take her in the laundry room. She'd probably suck your balls in there"
:O
..But just as the plan is coming together, she goes off duty, and we havn't seen her since. Whether this is
because she swapped shifts, floors, or someone put in a complaint (unsuprisingly, this place is full of petty motherfuckers
who are all eating cheese on the low/rats) who knows..
Let's just say this is a work in progress,
and i will keep you posted on whether she gets any of these Turkish macadamian nuts..For now it's back to copies of Smooth, Jerk and Jizz magazine...
Tuesday, 18 January 2011
Joker
..So a few amusing things happened today.
Remember me mentioning when i first got moved into this unit from solitary confinement, that i was staying in a cell, then 'asked' to move by a fucking hench member of the Gambino crime family? Well, i'm reading the newspaper today, and i see an interesting article...
' MOB LAWYER BUSTED IN PRISON DRUG SMUGGLING'
..The article talks about a 'mob' lawyer, who was stopped by federal (fucking dickheads) agents on his way to go and see one of his clients in, suprise suprise, the Metropolitan Correctional Facility..When they searched him, he was found with two ounces of Cannabis in his bag, rolled up in small balloons..:D
It turns out that he told the authorities that he had LENT HIS BAG TO HIS BROTHER, and that he had no knowledge that they were in there. The cops decided not to press charges. Can you spell corruption?
..Anyhow, i mention this story to Sha.
"Yeh. That's my partner Tommy, the guy who kicked you out of Ox's cell"
Small world!
Earlier today, i went on a nice trip down to the third floor, which is the attorney conference floor. You go there whenever you are meeting up with you attorney/fuckingcocksuckersuckingthecoporatecock/lawyer, whenever they need to lie to you or waste a few hours talking bollocks while they get paid (around 200 dollars an hour i might add).
As i walk out the lift (NOT elevator) i see a grey haired greasy dude that for some reason looks extremely familiar..
Anyone who knows about Deathrow Records, might have heard of David Kenner. He's the attorney that help set up the record company, and who represente Suge Knight, and Harry O.
Althought this was interesting and certainly made my day more than the usual brain crumblingly boring monotomous never ending bullshit, it did kind of leave me with a sickly feeling of
'you're really up the fucking creek now'...
Not cool.
Remember me mentioning when i first got moved into this unit from solitary confinement, that i was staying in a cell, then 'asked' to move by a fucking hench member of the Gambino crime family? Well, i'm reading the newspaper today, and i see an interesting article...
' MOB LAWYER BUSTED IN PRISON DRUG SMUGGLING'
..The article talks about a 'mob' lawyer, who was stopped by federal (fucking dickheads) agents on his way to go and see one of his clients in, suprise suprise, the Metropolitan Correctional Facility..When they searched him, he was found with two ounces of Cannabis in his bag, rolled up in small balloons..:D
It turns out that he told the authorities that he had LENT HIS BAG TO HIS BROTHER, and that he had no knowledge that they were in there. The cops decided not to press charges. Can you spell corruption?
..Anyhow, i mention this story to Sha.
"Yeh. That's my partner Tommy, the guy who kicked you out of Ox's cell"
Small world!
Earlier today, i went on a nice trip down to the third floor, which is the attorney conference floor. You go there whenever you are meeting up with you attorney/fuckingcocksuckersuckingthecoporatecock/lawyer, whenever they need to lie to you or waste a few hours talking bollocks while they get paid (around 200 dollars an hour i might add).
As i walk out the lift (NOT elevator) i see a grey haired greasy dude that for some reason looks extremely familiar..
Anyone who knows about Deathrow Records, might have heard of David Kenner. He's the attorney that help set up the record company, and who represente Suge Knight, and Harry O.
Althought this was interesting and certainly made my day more than the usual brain crumblingly boring monotomous never ending bullshit, it did kind of leave me with a sickly feeling of
'you're really up the fucking creek now'...
Not cool.
Monday, 17 January 2011
no ones smilin
You hear various stories of drugs in jail,
which probably will come of no suprise to you.
There are a lot of people in here for smalltime billy no bollocks bullshit, crack dealing, weed shotting,
even selling COUNTERFIT drugs..
Most people i know have, at some point in their life, sold or taken a variety of different substances.
An ounce, an eith, a gram, a bar, quartre, nothing too extravagant.
I've met some very different people in here. Certainly a different calibre of shotters.
We have a mexican who speaks absolutely no English, looks completely harmless..who was shot at and
arrested by the US Coast Guard, who found two tons of coccaine on his boat.
We have a gentleman from upstairs from Columbia (suprise suprise) who has amassed a fortune of AT LEAST
500 million dollars, with an alleged distribution network that supplies Miami with at least 5 tons of coccaine a year.
..Stop drooling..Being as rikers is described as 'gladiator school', the guards are more or less forced to have
a lot less serious approach on drug use...
"Manson (sha), are you smoking crack?"
"Yeah. Come in or close the fucking door."
"This N****rs buggin'..."
which probably will come of no suprise to you.
There are a lot of people in here for smalltime billy no bollocks bullshit, crack dealing, weed shotting,
even selling COUNTERFIT drugs..
Most people i know have, at some point in their life, sold or taken a variety of different substances.
An ounce, an eith, a gram, a bar, quartre, nothing too extravagant.
I've met some very different people in here. Certainly a different calibre of shotters.
We have a mexican who speaks absolutely no English, looks completely harmless..who was shot at and
arrested by the US Coast Guard, who found two tons of coccaine on his boat.
We have a gentleman from upstairs from Columbia (suprise suprise) who has amassed a fortune of AT LEAST
500 million dollars, with an alleged distribution network that supplies Miami with at least 5 tons of coccaine a year.
..Stop drooling..Being as rikers is described as 'gladiator school', the guards are more or less forced to have
a lot less serious approach on drug use...
"Manson (sha), are you smoking crack?"
"Yeah. Come in or close the fucking door."
"This N****rs buggin'..."
Sunday, 16 January 2011
CONTACT
I really appreciate letters so if you want to write to me you can here :-
T.Guvercin
63906054
MCC New York
150 Park Row
New York
NY
10007
USA
Id be stoked to get any photos/sketches but please write on the envelope how many you have put in or the pigs steal them.
I cant be sent packages. But books can be sent via a supplier... thanks for the support!
T.Guvercin
63906054
MCC New York
150 Park Row
New York
NY
10007
USA
Id be stoked to get any photos/sketches but please write on the envelope how many you have put in or the pigs steal them.
I cant be sent packages. But books can be sent via a supplier... thanks for the support!
Some things you just can't make up...
Sha was doing some time at a prison in Oklahoma. There was a bit Muslim population in the jail, and more prominently, they had a big chapter of The Nation of Islam..Very serious/militant dudes. Take their religion very seriously..
..Im sure you've heard of them..
Anyhow..
One of these guys got into a big fight and was sent to the Box/solitary..apparently he was arguing with a C.O and told him to fuck off or something along those lines, so off he went to Boxville Tennessee..
When you get sent to the box, your partners/freinds/enemies will usually pack your belongings up for you, and keep them for when you return.
This guys cellmate is packing up his belongings, and something falls onto the floor....a home made dildo.
Sha said the description this guy gave was "The man was a genius..this motherfucker had veins, balls, everything. The nasty n****r must've made it in arts n crafts or some shit" ..
The news spread through the jail like wildfire.
Eventually, the dude found out..word was that if he came out of the hole, they were going to kill him. Safe to say he stayed in the whole..
..and was forever known as 'dildo X'..
"sick n****rs man"
Saturday, 15 January 2011
Fonged out
So this morning i wake up to a completely fonged out cell,
three dudes standing around, traffic lighting a snout.
I am used to this daily routine.
I know what to do.
Either play 'window', go back to sleep, or at least pretend to
until this daily ritual is finished.
The cell is starting to stink like an old mans nappy.
The mandem notice the stench.
"Yo Sha, it's getting hot in here"
"don't worry kid, i got somethin' for that"
Sha squeezes out a pretty impressive fart. It has bass.
"Shit son, that's how it's goin down?"
The next man farts. Then the next man. All pretty impressive so far.
But...
I've been dying to fart for the last half hour, but didn't wanna shoot one off in some OG drug barons face.
Now i'm passed caring.
The civilised englishman has left the building, now it's Turkish time.
..And i ate a bean pie before going to sleep..
This thing sounded like someone jumped off a ladder wearing combat boots, onto a duck with a wet cazoo in its mouth. and it was aimed at face height. People OUTSIDE the cell heard this motherfucker
"HOLY SHIT! TIMDOG JUST FIRED OFF A SHOT!"
...Headshot motherfucker...
Sha seems very proud of my blunderbust of a fart, i think he sees me as his flatulent protege.
"I TOLD YOU MOTHERFUCKERS, TIMDOGS A STRAIGHT TURKISH N****R!"
Real talk.
three dudes standing around, traffic lighting a snout.
I am used to this daily routine.
I know what to do.
Either play 'window', go back to sleep, or at least pretend to
until this daily ritual is finished.
The cell is starting to stink like an old mans nappy.
The mandem notice the stench.
"Yo Sha, it's getting hot in here"
"don't worry kid, i got somethin' for that"
Sha squeezes out a pretty impressive fart. It has bass.
"Shit son, that's how it's goin down?"
The next man farts. Then the next man. All pretty impressive so far.
But...
I've been dying to fart for the last half hour, but didn't wanna shoot one off in some OG drug barons face.
Now i'm passed caring.
The civilised englishman has left the building, now it's Turkish time.
..And i ate a bean pie before going to sleep..
This thing sounded like someone jumped off a ladder wearing combat boots, onto a duck with a wet cazoo in its mouth. and it was aimed at face height. People OUTSIDE the cell heard this motherfucker
"HOLY SHIT! TIMDOG JUST FIRED OFF A SHOT!"
...Headshot motherfucker...
Sha seems very proud of my blunderbust of a fart, i think he sees me as his flatulent protege.
"I TOLD YOU MOTHERFUCKERS, TIMDOGS A STRAIGHT TURKISH N****R!"
Real talk.
MUG Shots
When you are first brought/dragged/kidnapped/checked in to MCC, they take all kinds of information from you,
and take a mugshot. It's primary use is for your prison ID that you need to carry with you at all times while in the building,
so people can identify you..People usually cut pictures out from the newspaper and glue it to their ID's just to fuck with the guards, Sha's is an advert for corrective dental surgery, an old woman with no teeth, pure gumries..
You can tell a lot by looking at someone's photo on their ID. You can usually tell what kind of state of mind they were in when they were arrest, and how serious they took their arrest/incarceration.
Mine is notorious.
"YOO..they got my N****r fucked up!"
My photo shows me, absolutely utterly shitting myself. I had been out drinking the night before with a hot tomato, and was woken up by shotgun totting dick sneezes, taken to secret service HQ, interrogated, denied/had my bail sabotaged by my fat pig of a EX lawyer...then thrown into the Lions den.
What would be going through YOUR mind?
Just to give you a bit of a visual, i am a 25 year old Englishman, was a slim build, and had a hipster moustache.
Need i say anymore?
All i could think about was MANS NEEDS TO FUCKING SHAVE ASAP!
Luckily before i was thrown headfirst into general population, i was given a razor. I put it to good use. Once in general population, i was given some advice. Now i have a HUGE fucking beard. The advice i was given goes like this...
" You need facial hair so people can tell you're a man not a woman.
Walk around clean shaven, a n****r mistake your face for a pussy. Sick n****rs"
Yeah. Exactly. Welcome to Beardsville tennesse.
As i was going to get my 'dinner/dogshit/donkey dick in diaria sauce' earlier this evening, someone tapped me on my shoulder..it was my little Mexican freind Jose (not ex cellmate)
"Hey Engrish, you no Engrish, you Mexicano!"
Nah man, i'm Turkish
"No no, he tell me (points at Terrel) You Mexicano. No, Cubano! You look like Castro!"
Word.
and take a mugshot. It's primary use is for your prison ID that you need to carry with you at all times while in the building,
so people can identify you..People usually cut pictures out from the newspaper and glue it to their ID's just to fuck with the guards, Sha's is an advert for corrective dental surgery, an old woman with no teeth, pure gumries..
You can tell a lot by looking at someone's photo on their ID. You can usually tell what kind of state of mind they were in when they were arrest, and how serious they took their arrest/incarceration.
Mine is notorious.
"YOO..they got my N****r fucked up!"
My photo shows me, absolutely utterly shitting myself. I had been out drinking the night before with a hot tomato, and was woken up by shotgun totting dick sneezes, taken to secret service HQ, interrogated, denied/had my bail sabotaged by my fat pig of a EX lawyer...then thrown into the Lions den.
What would be going through YOUR mind?
Just to give you a bit of a visual, i am a 25 year old Englishman, was a slim build, and had a hipster moustache.
Need i say anymore?
All i could think about was MANS NEEDS TO FUCKING SHAVE ASAP!
Luckily before i was thrown headfirst into general population, i was given a razor. I put it to good use. Once in general population, i was given some advice. Now i have a HUGE fucking beard. The advice i was given goes like this...
" You need facial hair so people can tell you're a man not a woman.
Walk around clean shaven, a n****r mistake your face for a pussy. Sick n****rs"
Yeah. Exactly. Welcome to Beardsville tennesse.
As i was going to get my 'dinner/dogshit/donkey dick in diaria sauce' earlier this evening, someone tapped me on my shoulder..it was my little Mexican freind Jose (not ex cellmate)
"Hey Engrish, you no Engrish, you Mexicano!"
Nah man, i'm Turkish
"No no, he tell me (points at Terrel) You Mexicano. No, Cubano! You look like Castro!"
Word.
Thursday, 13 January 2011
Luckily for me, i get on with my cellmate, Sha, extremely well..
I couldn't really ask for a better cellmate, we constantly catch jokes,
he gives me EXTREMELY blunt advice on..
life
"Who the FUCK am i, nostradamus or some shit?"
Love
"Don't marry a chick you love, marry a chick that loves you..at least you
can learn to love the bitch"
and legal matters
"Don't commit no crimes motherfucker, not here..they gave a n****r a life bid for
stealing a slice of pepperoni"
He says he thinks of me as his little brother, which i've heard him say to people...followed by
"If you fuck with him, im'a break you n****rs the fuck off"
Having the bank robbing equivalent of Tony Soprano for backup certainly has it's plusses...
I am having extreme financial difficulties at the moment, so much so, that i havn't been able to afford phone calls, toiletries or food this past week..Luckily for me, a day at the poker table, and a few incidents of 'shaking n****rs down', Sha hooked me up! Ain't brotherly love a motherfucker!
He is a mover and shaker (shanker) ...
When this FUCKING NIGHTMARE is over, he plans to visit me and my parents in Turkey..
An boy does he have plans instore...
"Timdog, i seen what your pops looks like, he KNOWS where the turkish hookers are at"
:s "err i'm not sure he does
"You shittin me?!?"
(Bare in mind this whole conversation is taking place in pitch black while he's naked sitting on the toilet taking a shit)
"Trust me Timdog, us Turkish n****rs gonna be straight Wilin!"
He then explains that he plans to give my father 500 dollars, to spend on as
much coccaine as possible..
"Im'a teach pops how to make crack coccaine son, no bullshit..send moms to
the store to get us some baking soda, cook that shit up on the stove..
dad's gonna be TWISTED yo!"
Despite my best efforts to explain that my rents life in a sleepy fishing town,
Sha is deadset on taking Kusa Dasi by storm...
"Son, im'a show all the hairy Turkish bitches that 'sambo n****rs' got the biggest dick"
Wednesday, 12 January 2011
I have mentioned before, there are many different types of criminal in this 'fine' facility,
and everyone has their own place.
If you are unsure where your place is, and decide to stray from your 'lane', someone will 'point'
you in the right direction pretty fucking quickly..
Despite the 'Timdog/T-murder' persona, tattoos, very large beard and ever increasing muscle mass,
i know my place.
Young, English, first time offender, clearly more of a lover than a fighter...i know my place in the prison hierachy..
But despite all this, i seem to have been embraced by all of the 'killers and gorillas'. Great.
I'm always honest, catch jokes, and don't kiss anyones ass..Because of this, i have been embraced
by all the murderers and cuthroats in the unit. Lucky me eh!
Even though i am liked by everyone in this 'real n****rs' fraternity,
I am fooling no one.
The best way i could put it, is i'm down with these guys, but i'm not 'down'..you get me?
Example.
Me, Sha and M, sha's business partner, are sitting down eating chow, and there is a new guy on our tier..He is huge. Butterbean huge. And he's sizing up Sha...
He's clearly a 'killer and gorilla', no doubt.
M calls him over, and introduces him to Sha, then looks at me, looks back at 'big' and just says nothing..
Doesn't even bother introducing me.
The look M gives me just says 'what's the point'..
I don't take offence, just keep my head down, an finish my meal..
I was going to introduce myself..
But sometimes you just need to shut the fuck up and stay in your lane.. A clever chimpanzee knows his place when surrounded by silverbacks in the 'terrordome'.
Tuesday, 11 January 2011
saferies
"Damn..look at this fine redhead bitch..what a fucking whore"
Sha is reading the newspaper..
I, on the otherhand, am lucky enough to be reading some mail i got today! :D
I can't put into words how much it means when someone takes the time out of their
day to write to me. I didn't write a letter for...well, fuck, about 15 years before coming in
this fucking shithole, but now i write them pretty regularly and it's actually pretty fun..there
is something personal that goes into a letter..
I still have not seen anyone i know in almost four months..It's like my life never existed before
being in here, almost asif it was a dream. The closest thing i've got to seeing someone i know/getting
some kind of comfort was seeing my dad outside in the street, from my cell window..
If you're going to write to me, feel free to include pictures of me, you, us or anything from shitcity.com..:D
(can u put the video for scatman john-scatmans world)
On a serious note, if you are going to send me pictures make sure u write on the front of the letter how many
are included..as for some insanely spasticated reason, these cum snorters will send them back if u don't. Safe.
I want to say a big thankyou to Gabrielle, Drongo, Francis, Sykes and Polly, Hoovie, Meredith, Lynne, Mc Nintendo, Cynthia, Uncle Tim, Lottie and all those who have sent me books! Thankyou to whoever sent me the Broken Windows and Graffiti Sketchbook, they wripped open the packaging so i never found out who sent it..safe still!
Each time i recieved one of your letters, it made me smile. Just like this :D
If i have not replied yet, either you didn't put your adress on the letter, or i'm out of stamps..
Hopefully my reply will make you smile too!
And if you're really lucky, it might make your rectum prolapse..
:O
Sha is reading the newspaper..
I, on the otherhand, am lucky enough to be reading some mail i got today! :D
I can't put into words how much it means when someone takes the time out of their
day to write to me. I didn't write a letter for...well, fuck, about 15 years before coming in
this fucking shithole, but now i write them pretty regularly and it's actually pretty fun..there
is something personal that goes into a letter..
I still have not seen anyone i know in almost four months..It's like my life never existed before
being in here, almost asif it was a dream. The closest thing i've got to seeing someone i know/getting
some kind of comfort was seeing my dad outside in the street, from my cell window..
If you're going to write to me, feel free to include pictures of me, you, us or anything from shitcity.com..:D
(can u put the video for scatman john-scatmans world)
On a serious note, if you are going to send me pictures make sure u write on the front of the letter how many
are included..as for some insanely spasticated reason, these cum snorters will send them back if u don't. Safe.
I want to say a big thankyou to Gabrielle, Drongo, Francis, Sykes and Polly, Hoovie, Meredith, Lynne, Mc Nintendo, Cynthia, Uncle Tim, Lottie and all those who have sent me books! Thankyou to whoever sent me the Broken Windows and Graffiti Sketchbook, they wripped open the packaging so i never found out who sent it..safe still!
Each time i recieved one of your letters, it made me smile. Just like this :D
If i have not replied yet, either you didn't put your adress on the letter, or i'm out of stamps..
Hopefully my reply will make you smile too!
And if you're really lucky, it might make your rectum prolapse..
:O
Monday, 10 January 2011
Germville
As i sit on my bunk,
teeth brushed, face washed and lights out,
another day down...
..People in here like to say
"another day closer to freedom"
..I don't quite see it that way..in fact, i find it EXTREMELY INFURIATINGLY ANNOYING,
and as soon as someone says it, who ISNT 6ft, i'm gonna beat shit down their leg..real talk.
I didn't smoke cigarettes before coming into jail.
It's the only thing at the moment that relaxes me and calmes my nerves..
A nice 'germ' and a cup of tea, lovely jubbly :)
"If all goes to plan Timdog, we'll have some crack in these soon"
:O
"For real?"
"If i have anything to do with it kid"
Wow..
Well i guess that's SOMETHING to look forward to, right?
If there was ever a time to smoke Crack Coccaine...you do the math..what
the FUCK do i really have to lose? REALLY?!
As i am writing this, i'm listening to freestyle jazz, trying to ignore Sha's ever increasingly loud snoring..
It really is SO fucking loud..
To combat this, i'm back on the medication..why the fuck not..
It helps me sleep.
Saying that, sleep has turned into a double edged sword for me recently..
I Always dream. ALWAYS.
Usually of being with my freinds and loved ones..
Whether i'm catching jokes with my buddy Alex, causing havoc at the 12bar with the B6K Showermans,
or talking to people i've lost contact with over the years..It is nice.
These dreams are comforting, and make me happy..give me hope, and remind me that i have
people out there who share love for me.
More often than not, this isn't the case though..
It's more likely my dream will be a flashback..
Being back on the streets of New York..something that is no longer possible.
That or i am in the company of my (soon to be ex) wife, and none of this nightmare
ever happened..I am back in Brooklyn, with my buddy Dave, or at my old job on W37th street,
being Timothy Ozer Guvercin..being happy, living my life..
Instead, i wake up in my cell..located at MCC New York in Manhatton.
Not living my life. Certainly not being me. Just a number. 63906054.
Joy.
teeth brushed, face washed and lights out,
another day down...
..People in here like to say
"another day closer to freedom"
..I don't quite see it that way..in fact, i find it EXTREMELY INFURIATINGLY ANNOYING,
and as soon as someone says it, who ISNT 6ft, i'm gonna beat shit down their leg..real talk.
I didn't smoke cigarettes before coming into jail.
It's the only thing at the moment that relaxes me and calmes my nerves..
A nice 'germ' and a cup of tea, lovely jubbly :)
"If all goes to plan Timdog, we'll have some crack in these soon"
:O
"For real?"
"If i have anything to do with it kid"
Wow..
Well i guess that's SOMETHING to look forward to, right?
If there was ever a time to smoke Crack Coccaine...you do the math..what
the FUCK do i really have to lose? REALLY?!
As i am writing this, i'm listening to freestyle jazz, trying to ignore Sha's ever increasingly loud snoring..
It really is SO fucking loud..
To combat this, i'm back on the medication..why the fuck not..
It helps me sleep.
Saying that, sleep has turned into a double edged sword for me recently..
I Always dream. ALWAYS.
Usually of being with my freinds and loved ones..
Whether i'm catching jokes with my buddy Alex, causing havoc at the 12bar with the B6K Showermans,
or talking to people i've lost contact with over the years..It is nice.
These dreams are comforting, and make me happy..give me hope, and remind me that i have
people out there who share love for me.
More often than not, this isn't the case though..
It's more likely my dream will be a flashback..
Being back on the streets of New York..something that is no longer possible.
That or i am in the company of my (soon to be ex) wife, and none of this nightmare
ever happened..I am back in Brooklyn, with my buddy Dave, or at my old job on W37th street,
being Timothy Ozer Guvercin..being happy, living my life..
Instead, i wake up in my cell..located at MCC New York in Manhatton.
Not living my life. Certainly not being me. Just a number. 63906054.
Joy.
FOR FUCK SAKE
Things are VERY hard at the moment.
Despite my current predicament, and the last few nightmarish months i've had to deal with,
things were starting to look on the up...
But no.
Life came along and decided to curbstomp on any kind of hope that i was going
to get any kind of justice or fair treatment/sentance.
There is only so much One can take.
Most of my waking life is spent constantly, meticulously worrying about my case,
i feel like if i don't, no one will worry or care about me. Anyday now, i can feel
myself developing a massive fucking tuma the size of a pineapple..
I have INSANELY big decisions to make right now,
with NO ONE to give me any kind of honest advice on what i should do.
Every choice seems to lead to the same thing = I'm FUCKED.
Every option i have has no definite answer as to how badly i'm fucked either.
Oh, and if i don't make my mind up quickly, i'm even more fucked.
WHAT THE FUCK!!
I'm trying to be strong, i've tried to look at things in a positive light,
but my circumstances and life seem to be pushing me to walk the plank and
jump ship more and more with every passing moment in this concrete tomb.
I can't even look outside anymore, the streets are carpetting with snow, everything
looks beautiful, and it just reminds me why i had dreamed of coming to this city
since i was a teenager..I'd LITERALLY cut my arm off right now for a taste of freedom.
No bullshit.
I came to New York with good intentions.
All i was after was a fresh start, new adventures, and someone special to share my journey with.
In the eighteen months i spent in this city before my incarceration, i did a lot...
...i explored the city, met new 'family' members, kicked a drug habit, living in Coney Island, Bombed, mingled, partied, got kicked out of my cousins house for standing upto him when he was abusive to his wife, moved into an ant infested apartment in Queens, Drank in MANY bars, became a busboy, painted throwups on rooftops plastered, slept in many beds, became an office messenger, worked next to the empire state building, dated best freinds, did too many shots of tequila to count, racked unholy amounts of paint, hooked up with writers from New York, Seattle and Norway, drank 40 ounces of malt liquor, painted many shutters, ate Joeys pizza, explored Maspeth, got the subway every morning to work, racked ladders from work to paint 15ft block letters in Brooklyn, met a lot of white suburban 'alternative' squares, gave people something to talk about, was fresh as a motherfucker, went through untold bottles of ink and bingo markers, became an audio tech, worked for GQ, Vanity Fair and Teen Vogue, got hench, racked a LOT of champagne, made mistakes, learnt how to cook pasta, sketched my turkish balls off, finally got some hand styles, was constantly hit on by my married gay jewish boss, finally started flossing the dome, met some very ignorant racist americans, watched my landlord go insane, moved into my own apartment that i loved, almost broke my back delivering 200 bottles of champagne, got a xmas bonus, brought some sophistication to an Irish Xmas, froze my nuts off painting pieces in sub zero temperatures, starting drinking Gin, introduced Grime to the NYC mandem, started smoking again, got tattood, worked a LOT of overtime, took UNTOLD photos, made the biggest mistake of my life=losing focus, ordered too much takeaway food, fell in love with Bushwhick, went to warehouse parties, crashed rooftop parties on my Jaes, broke every bed i've had, explored Williamsburg, got healthy, got jogging, got tattood, got clean shaven for the first time in YEARS, got married, bunked hundreds of trains, blagged the cops, got shot by my brother Timo Stammberger, kicked EVERYONES ass at Street fighter 2 turbo, downloaded thousands of movies, got betrayed, caught too much jokeries..
..and that's just the tip of the iceberg..But all in all, it was not enough. I did not do enough with my time, there was so many opportunities i turned down, mistakes i made, and things i could've, should've done, that i didn't..and now my adventure in life seems to be drawing to a close, i have many regrets. The biggest = losing focus of who i am, what makes me happy, and the type of people i should surround myself with.
Despite my current predicament, and the last few nightmarish months i've had to deal with,
things were starting to look on the up...
But no.
Life came along and decided to curbstomp on any kind of hope that i was going
to get any kind of justice or fair treatment/sentance.
There is only so much One can take.
Most of my waking life is spent constantly, meticulously worrying about my case,
i feel like if i don't, no one will worry or care about me. Anyday now, i can feel
myself developing a massive fucking tuma the size of a pineapple..
I have INSANELY big decisions to make right now,
with NO ONE to give me any kind of honest advice on what i should do.
Every choice seems to lead to the same thing = I'm FUCKED.
Every option i have has no definite answer as to how badly i'm fucked either.
Oh, and if i don't make my mind up quickly, i'm even more fucked.
WHAT THE FUCK!!
I'm trying to be strong, i've tried to look at things in a positive light,
but my circumstances and life seem to be pushing me to walk the plank and
jump ship more and more with every passing moment in this concrete tomb.
I can't even look outside anymore, the streets are carpetting with snow, everything
looks beautiful, and it just reminds me why i had dreamed of coming to this city
since i was a teenager..I'd LITERALLY cut my arm off right now for a taste of freedom.
No bullshit.
I came to New York with good intentions.
All i was after was a fresh start, new adventures, and someone special to share my journey with.
In the eighteen months i spent in this city before my incarceration, i did a lot...
...i explored the city, met new 'family' members, kicked a drug habit, living in Coney Island, Bombed, mingled, partied, got kicked out of my cousins house for standing upto him when he was abusive to his wife, moved into an ant infested apartment in Queens, Drank in MANY bars, became a busboy, painted throwups on rooftops plastered, slept in many beds, became an office messenger, worked next to the empire state building, dated best freinds, did too many shots of tequila to count, racked unholy amounts of paint, hooked up with writers from New York, Seattle and Norway, drank 40 ounces of malt liquor, painted many shutters, ate Joeys pizza, explored Maspeth, got the subway every morning to work, racked ladders from work to paint 15ft block letters in Brooklyn, met a lot of white suburban 'alternative' squares, gave people something to talk about, was fresh as a motherfucker, went through untold bottles of ink and bingo markers, became an audio tech, worked for GQ, Vanity Fair and Teen Vogue, got hench, racked a LOT of champagne, made mistakes, learnt how to cook pasta, sketched my turkish balls off, finally got some hand styles, was constantly hit on by my married gay jewish boss, finally started flossing the dome, met some very ignorant racist americans, watched my landlord go insane, moved into my own apartment that i loved, almost broke my back delivering 200 bottles of champagne, got a xmas bonus, brought some sophistication to an Irish Xmas, froze my nuts off painting pieces in sub zero temperatures, starting drinking Gin, introduced Grime to the NYC mandem, started smoking again, got tattood, worked a LOT of overtime, took UNTOLD photos, made the biggest mistake of my life=losing focus, ordered too much takeaway food, fell in love with Bushwhick, went to warehouse parties, crashed rooftop parties on my Jaes, broke every bed i've had, explored Williamsburg, got healthy, got jogging, got tattood, got clean shaven for the first time in YEARS, got married, bunked hundreds of trains, blagged the cops, got shot by my brother Timo Stammberger, kicked EVERYONES ass at Street fighter 2 turbo, downloaded thousands of movies, got betrayed, caught too much jokeries..
..and that's just the tip of the iceberg..But all in all, it was not enough. I did not do enough with my time, there was so many opportunities i turned down, mistakes i made, and things i could've, should've done, that i didn't..and now my adventure in life seems to be drawing to a close, i have many regrets. The biggest = losing focus of who i am, what makes me happy, and the type of people i should surround myself with.
Boofing
'Shit' comes into the jail a few different ways.
Whether it's through 'elevators', crude pulley systems lining the air vent shafts,
or though visits.
..And that is done one of two ways..
The first is 'balloons', that are swallowed, then barfed up after the visit..
The second, much more glamorous way, is 'boofing' it.
What is boofing, i bet you're wondering..
*DRUM ROLL*
Why, sticking it up your ass of course!
"Boofing..hmm..i ain't no fan of that shit"" Sha explains
"N****rs be treating their assholes like a gymbag"
Given the choice, most people opt for the balloon technique.
..Apart from 'some freak n****rs'
"Timdog, no bullshit, i know n****rs who be boofing onions (ounces)"
As you can imagine, it's a mneas to an end, not exactly frowned upon,
but not an enjoyable prospect..for most..but everyone has their price..
"I ain't down for that..but if a n****r got the motherload? That shit's comin back"
Whether it's through 'elevators', crude pulley systems lining the air vent shafts,
or though visits.
..And that is done one of two ways..
The first is 'balloons', that are swallowed, then barfed up after the visit..
The second, much more glamorous way, is 'boofing' it.
What is boofing, i bet you're wondering..
*DRUM ROLL*
Why, sticking it up your ass of course!
"Boofing..hmm..i ain't no fan of that shit"" Sha explains
"N****rs be treating their assholes like a gymbag"
Given the choice, most people opt for the balloon technique.
..Apart from 'some freak n****rs'
"Timdog, no bullshit, i know n****rs who be boofing onions (ounces)"
As you can imagine, it's a mneas to an end, not exactly frowned upon,
but not an enjoyable prospect..for most..but everyone has their price..
"I ain't down for that..but if a n****r got the motherload? That shit's comin back"
dress for success
Being in a pre-trial facility, there are very few things to do. Other than work out, type bullshit emails, and use the telephone. I don't watch TV, see it as a serious waste of time..The other inmates here don't, and sit around watching the Jersey Shore and reality shows for most of the day..
I've got a few good freinds in here. Most people know me, i get on with most people, but try to keep myself to myself..One of my best freinds in here is T a tall, bugged out looking individual, who i catch many a joke with. He used to be a fashion designer, worked with Mark Ecko...but as i said, is pretty bugged out.
One of the things you can do here is teach classes.
T has started a class, Dress for Success, all about teaching people how to dress for job interviews, interview techniques, and generally how to represent yourself in a professional manner. Most/all the things in his class is mostly common sense, but you would seriously be suprised on what some people in here think is the right way to go about getting a job...actually you wouldn't be suprised, it's federal jail, and you're swimming in the bottom of the gene pool...anyway..
So we have our first 'class'. We have been given a questionaire to fill in before the class..Questions such as..
1.Is it appropriate to wear a baseball cap in a job interview?
2.Is is appropriate to wear Jordans to a job interview?
And so on...people got these questions wrong.
The class is made up of me, F, and a Russian dude that is 21 but looks 54 who's name i can't pronounce..who made the class pure jokeries. T takes fashion seriously. Too seriously. To the point that if he thinks you are right, and he might be wrong, he gets seriously wound up..And Russia did this for the whole class...
One of the questions was
5.Where should the tip of your tie fall?
Answer=just above your belt.
Russia "In my country, the size of your tie says the size of your...your...your fuck"
Everyone at first looked very confused...then burst out laughing
"Do you mean the size of your dick?"
"yes yes, but no, i like girls"
Errr next question..
Everytime we get to a new question, Russia has a story from the old country which T finds increasingly infuriating..To the point were he can't even sit down, he's standing up shouting at the whole class
Russia "You calm down"
"BUT YOU'RE WRONG"
"No no, if you have twenty student, not one of them is wrong, they are all right"
"NO! I'M TELLING YOU YOU'RE FUCKING WRONG!"
And so on and so on...
Russia "look look"
he writes down 2 + 2 =
"what does it make?"
T "it makes four. don't try and tell me it doesn't, it makes four"
"no, no, with physics, i can make five :D "
Just to make matters worse, i look at the bottom of my 'test' and Sha has added an extra question that the whole class sees
"If T went to see Sha for a job interview should he A. Suck sha's balls B. Take Sha's dick up his ass C. All of the above"
T sees it. Class is dismissed.
I get back to the cell before we get locked in and tell Sha, who finds the whole thing hilarious..then has some bad news for me
"I gotta take a Hulk Hogan shit son"
There is very little toilet paper left. I explain i need to shit too, but wanted to wait til the doors unlocked..
"Well fuck you dude, do as the romans do T...you wanna have that brittish class? Ok, but i'll be the one shitting son, not you"
Great...absolutely great..
"Yo, play 'window' while i wash my ass, son"
I've got a few good freinds in here. Most people know me, i get on with most people, but try to keep myself to myself..One of my best freinds in here is T a tall, bugged out looking individual, who i catch many a joke with. He used to be a fashion designer, worked with Mark Ecko...but as i said, is pretty bugged out.
One of the things you can do here is teach classes.
T has started a class, Dress for Success, all about teaching people how to dress for job interviews, interview techniques, and generally how to represent yourself in a professional manner. Most/all the things in his class is mostly common sense, but you would seriously be suprised on what some people in here think is the right way to go about getting a job...actually you wouldn't be suprised, it's federal jail, and you're swimming in the bottom of the gene pool...anyway..
So we have our first 'class'. We have been given a questionaire to fill in before the class..Questions such as..
1.Is it appropriate to wear a baseball cap in a job interview?
2.Is is appropriate to wear Jordans to a job interview?
And so on...people got these questions wrong.
The class is made up of me, F, and a Russian dude that is 21 but looks 54 who's name i can't pronounce..who made the class pure jokeries. T takes fashion seriously. Too seriously. To the point that if he thinks you are right, and he might be wrong, he gets seriously wound up..And Russia did this for the whole class...
One of the questions was
5.Where should the tip of your tie fall?
Answer=just above your belt.
Russia "In my country, the size of your tie says the size of your...your...your fuck"
Everyone at first looked very confused...then burst out laughing
"Do you mean the size of your dick?"
"yes yes, but no, i like girls"
Errr next question..
Everytime we get to a new question, Russia has a story from the old country which T finds increasingly infuriating..To the point were he can't even sit down, he's standing up shouting at the whole class
Russia "You calm down"
"BUT YOU'RE WRONG"
"No no, if you have twenty student, not one of them is wrong, they are all right"
"NO! I'M TELLING YOU YOU'RE FUCKING WRONG!"
And so on and so on...
Russia "look look"
he writes down 2 + 2 =
"what does it make?"
T "it makes four. don't try and tell me it doesn't, it makes four"
"no, no, with physics, i can make five :D "
Just to make matters worse, i look at the bottom of my 'test' and Sha has added an extra question that the whole class sees
"If T went to see Sha for a job interview should he A. Suck sha's balls B. Take Sha's dick up his ass C. All of the above"
T sees it. Class is dismissed.
I get back to the cell before we get locked in and tell Sha, who finds the whole thing hilarious..then has some bad news for me
"I gotta take a Hulk Hogan shit son"
There is very little toilet paper left. I explain i need to shit too, but wanted to wait til the doors unlocked..
"Well fuck you dude, do as the romans do T...you wanna have that brittish class? Ok, but i'll be the one shitting son, not you"
Great...absolutely great..
"Yo, play 'window' while i wash my ass, son"
Friday, 7 January 2011
shitstorm
Things are very hard at the moment.
Despite being in federal prison, things were starting to get better..
Then SUPRISE SUPRISE!
Life decided to take a lamb bhuna shit all over me...asif there wasn't
enough fecal matter in my life already, i am now absolutely drowning
in shit, everytime i try to grasp for air i am forced to chew on nutty
logs until i puke all over myself...
Every morning when i wake, as soon as my eyes open,
the same old crap...
I am confronted by the sagging asshole of life, winking, cheeks spread
apart, slowly squeezing a scatty lionbar over my face like a shit moustache..
They might as well turn the cell above mine into a Turkish toilet, cut a hole
in the floor, aim it at my head, and line up people to continually splatter my
bonce with white hot explosive diarria...
Whenever anyone asks me 'what's new?', i usually reply "same old shit"
My freind Biz gave me an interesting reply..
"Nah dude, it's never the same shit..unless you're eating your own shit..
Different shit, same toilet."
Word.
Despite being in federal prison, things were starting to get better..
Then SUPRISE SUPRISE!
Life decided to take a lamb bhuna shit all over me...asif there wasn't
enough fecal matter in my life already, i am now absolutely drowning
in shit, everytime i try to grasp for air i am forced to chew on nutty
logs until i puke all over myself...
Every morning when i wake, as soon as my eyes open,
the same old crap...
I am confronted by the sagging asshole of life, winking, cheeks spread
apart, slowly squeezing a scatty lionbar over my face like a shit moustache..
They might as well turn the cell above mine into a Turkish toilet, cut a hole
in the floor, aim it at my head, and line up people to continually splatter my
bonce with white hot explosive diarria...
Whenever anyone asks me 'what's new?', i usually reply "same old shit"
My freind Biz gave me an interesting reply..
"Nah dude, it's never the same shit..unless you're eating your own shit..
Different shit, same toilet."
Word.
Thursday, 6 January 2011
Next Yards
Being in here, there are a lot of different people you meet..people get extradited from all over the world to this prison, if they comitted a crime that has ANYTHING to do with the United Snakes, they go to the countries they are in, and extradite them here. If that fails, they kidnap them. Really.
With all these different people, you get to hear about different prisons around the world..some better..some worse..some are just off the fucking chain.
Sha introduced me to a gentleman who was a General in the Honduras army. In the prison he was sent to, just like more or less EVERY other prison in the world, money equals power. Real power.
For example, we looked through some of his photos from the jail..photos of him in his cell, holding his GLOCK 9mm pistol. Not only that, but he was allowed to have his DOG stay in his cell..at the weekends, your wife can stay too! Live!
You might think it's a bit far fetched to hear of an inmate having a gun in jail, but he explained to us that many of the inmates in the jail also had bought AK47s!? For protection!?
"You got dough, N****r be eating Shrimp scampy an all kinds of shit!"
I'd heard a story from Sha about inmates in NEW YORK having guns in jail..a common practice is getting a gun smuggled into the jail, and then getting someone to shoot you..then sue the jail. For millions...no jokes..Well, it's pretty jokes to be honest..
You can tell who has power and who doesn't in jail.
If you see someone getting a pedicure and their toenails clipped, they've got some serious P's. An there is a lot of guys in here with serious money...500million serious money..
Sha has been in a lot of jails. a LOT of jails. He tells me stories on the regs, of jokes he's had, and also extremely shit your pants with explosive diahrea situations..
Compared to most he's been in, this place is a holiday camp. Or a mental asylum, depending which way you look at it.
After we get locked in, people usually calm down an go to sleep pretty quickly..in other jails, Sha says that people
"shout and scream like apes til 2-3am"
He likes to refer to himself, and people on his level, as 'killers and gorillas'. When in a federal penitentiery, most people are of this calibre. And it is a very different state of affairs...
Sleeping with one eye open is common practice. Sha has told me that he has had to do this in MANY jails, for his own protection..every night, bar none...because someones always trying to 'get' you..
To combat this..
Tying soda cans to your door for an alarm..
"Baracade the door incase n****rs try to get me in the morning"
"For the 'jumping n****rs' i got a trick for them too..hook up soda cans to a tripwire, turn that shit into a motherfuckin' laserbeam, catch all these wiley n****rs..N****rs like me got all the booby traps kid"
Sha says he can do time in any jail on the planet, he would easily adapt..
"I could do time on the fucking moon, i'd wipe my ass on an asteroid"
With all these different people, you get to hear about different prisons around the world..some better..some worse..some are just off the fucking chain.
Sha introduced me to a gentleman who was a General in the Honduras army. In the prison he was sent to, just like more or less EVERY other prison in the world, money equals power. Real power.
For example, we looked through some of his photos from the jail..photos of him in his cell, holding his GLOCK 9mm pistol. Not only that, but he was allowed to have his DOG stay in his cell..at the weekends, your wife can stay too! Live!
You might think it's a bit far fetched to hear of an inmate having a gun in jail, but he explained to us that many of the inmates in the jail also had bought AK47s!? For protection!?
"You got dough, N****r be eating Shrimp scampy an all kinds of shit!"
I'd heard a story from Sha about inmates in NEW YORK having guns in jail..a common practice is getting a gun smuggled into the jail, and then getting someone to shoot you..then sue the jail. For millions...no jokes..Well, it's pretty jokes to be honest..
You can tell who has power and who doesn't in jail.
If you see someone getting a pedicure and their toenails clipped, they've got some serious P's. An there is a lot of guys in here with serious money...500million serious money..
Sha has been in a lot of jails. a LOT of jails. He tells me stories on the regs, of jokes he's had, and also extremely shit your pants with explosive diahrea situations..
Compared to most he's been in, this place is a holiday camp. Or a mental asylum, depending which way you look at it.
After we get locked in, people usually calm down an go to sleep pretty quickly..in other jails, Sha says that people
"shout and scream like apes til 2-3am"
He likes to refer to himself, and people on his level, as 'killers and gorillas'. When in a federal penitentiery, most people are of this calibre. And it is a very different state of affairs...
Sleeping with one eye open is common practice. Sha has told me that he has had to do this in MANY jails, for his own protection..every night, bar none...because someones always trying to 'get' you..
To combat this..
Tying soda cans to your door for an alarm..
"Baracade the door incase n****rs try to get me in the morning"
"For the 'jumping n****rs' i got a trick for them too..hook up soda cans to a tripwire, turn that shit into a motherfuckin' laserbeam, catch all these wiley n****rs..N****rs like me got all the booby traps kid"
Sha says he can do time in any jail on the planet, he would easily adapt..
"I could do time on the fucking moon, i'd wipe my ass on an asteroid"
Monday, 3 January 2011
you ask him
"You ask him. If i ask him, and i know he's got it, im'a rob him"
After the prank that was pulled on my yesterday, Sha tells me about some other prankeries that he's pulled
over the years..
Google him. Eric Manson, bank robber. he is a notorious bank robber..
One day he was with his mother in town, asked her to park next to the bank while he cashes a cheque..
He genuinely goes into the bank to cash a cheque, then remembers he has a stocking mask in his pocket..
So he leaves the bank, puts the stocking mask on and runs into her car shouting "DRIVE MA DRIVE!"
She screams, starts speeding away, an after two blocks he starts laughing an lets her know hes only joking..
she pulls over the car, lights a cigarette an slaps him lol
When he was younger he would play the 'perfume game'. This would involve sticking a finger up his butt, going upto one of his siblings and saying "hey ma has this new perfume, wanna smell it?" then putting the finger in front of their nose til they scream/gag/puke..
Another memorable prank was his brother was sleeping face down, with no tshirt on..So Sha took a shit on his back while he was sleeping lol
Some quotes from stupid conversations...
We are having a discussion about aliens and extra terrerstrial intelligence...
"E.T is as real as a motherfucker, Predators, everything! Predators been blowin' up n****rs, real talk"
I tell Sha about how i don't like getting on boats, he shares the same feeling..
"a n****r shouldn't get on a boat, no way, that's the last place a n****r should be,
n****r, ain't you learnt your lesson?"
After the prank that was pulled on my yesterday, Sha tells me about some other prankeries that he's pulled
over the years..
Google him. Eric Manson, bank robber. he is a notorious bank robber..
One day he was with his mother in town, asked her to park next to the bank while he cashes a cheque..
He genuinely goes into the bank to cash a cheque, then remembers he has a stocking mask in his pocket..
So he leaves the bank, puts the stocking mask on and runs into her car shouting "DRIVE MA DRIVE!"
She screams, starts speeding away, an after two blocks he starts laughing an lets her know hes only joking..
she pulls over the car, lights a cigarette an slaps him lol
When he was younger he would play the 'perfume game'. This would involve sticking a finger up his butt, going upto one of his siblings and saying "hey ma has this new perfume, wanna smell it?" then putting the finger in front of their nose til they scream/gag/puke..
Another memorable prank was his brother was sleeping face down, with no tshirt on..So Sha took a shit on his back while he was sleeping lol
Some quotes from stupid conversations...
We are having a discussion about aliens and extra terrerstrial intelligence...
"E.T is as real as a motherfucker, Predators, everything! Predators been blowin' up n****rs, real talk"
I tell Sha about how i don't like getting on boats, he shares the same feeling..
"a n****r shouldn't get on a boat, no way, that's the last place a n****r should be,
n****r, ain't you learnt your lesson?"
Sunday, 2 January 2011
MOTHERFUCKERS
I am in MCC New York, Manhattan Correction Center...It's not the worst jail in the world.
The way it is set up, it's more akin to a mental hospital. There are plenty of mental people in here too.
It is a Federal Correctional Facility. The Feds. A Federal crime..u get me.
There is another Federal Correctional Center in New York...Brooklyn. MBC. The fucking lions den. It is known for being extremely violent, off key, and generally if you're going there you better prepare to fight/stab/rob/kill/maim/extort/do whatever you have to do to survive. Seriously, the place is fucking notorious..
I wake up this morning, and am told by Sha that the CO (correctional Officer) has told me i have court today and need to get ready..which is strange as i know i don't have court for three months (FUCKING LONG, YOU FUCKING PRICKS) but whatever, i start getting dressed..Then the CO comes to the cell
"Guvercin, pack up"
what?
"Pack up you're going to Brooklyn"
:O Welcome to DiariaShittypantsville Tennesse..
I ask him many times if he might be mistaken, he assures me he isn't and that i need to get all my 'posessions' together, pronto. FUCK. Sha comes back to the cell, and looks very very sad. He can't believe i am going, and helps me get my shit together..I have people from all over the unit coming over to the cell to talk to me..
"DAMN Timdog, that place is fucking ruthless"
"Shit man, the guys in there would cut your face up for jokes"
"Gangs in there will get points for cutting a dude like you"
"You're going to the bigtime kid, you better get your shank ready"
:O fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
So i pack up everything, say my goodbyes to all my freinds and pass out my email adress/contact details..i feel fucking sick, i know were i am going, and how fucking fucking fucking bad it is...
I get to the door, bag packed, all ready to go..there is about 50 dudes ready to see me off, all telling me i will be ok as long as i keep to myself, fight when i need to fight, stab when i need to stab etc..even the head of the Bloods is giving me advice
"Just go ruthless Timdog"
Sha comes and gives me a hug, and says a little speach about how much of a nice guy i am and how much everyone will miss me, then says
"On behalf of everyone here, i'd like to let you know..."
unfolds a piece of paper that just says 'PUNKD' on it
The WHOLE fucking unit erupts in laughter, people are rolling around on the floor crying, punching the walls, screaming, laughing at the top of their lungs....MOTHERFUCKERS!!! even the fucking PRISON OFFICER was in on the joke!! PRICKS!
Time to change my shitty pants..
The way it is set up, it's more akin to a mental hospital. There are plenty of mental people in here too.
It is a Federal Correctional Facility. The Feds. A Federal crime..u get me.
There is another Federal Correctional Center in New York...Brooklyn. MBC. The fucking lions den. It is known for being extremely violent, off key, and generally if you're going there you better prepare to fight/stab/rob/kill/maim/extort/do whatever you have to do to survive. Seriously, the place is fucking notorious..
I wake up this morning, and am told by Sha that the CO (correctional Officer) has told me i have court today and need to get ready..which is strange as i know i don't have court for three months (FUCKING LONG, YOU FUCKING PRICKS) but whatever, i start getting dressed..Then the CO comes to the cell
"Guvercin, pack up"
what?
"Pack up you're going to Brooklyn"
:O Welcome to DiariaShittypantsville Tennesse..
I ask him many times if he might be mistaken, he assures me he isn't and that i need to get all my 'posessions' together, pronto. FUCK. Sha comes back to the cell, and looks very very sad. He can't believe i am going, and helps me get my shit together..I have people from all over the unit coming over to the cell to talk to me..
"DAMN Timdog, that place is fucking ruthless"
"Shit man, the guys in there would cut your face up for jokes"
"Gangs in there will get points for cutting a dude like you"
"You're going to the bigtime kid, you better get your shank ready"
:O fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
So i pack up everything, say my goodbyes to all my freinds and pass out my email adress/contact details..i feel fucking sick, i know were i am going, and how fucking fucking fucking bad it is...
I get to the door, bag packed, all ready to go..there is about 50 dudes ready to see me off, all telling me i will be ok as long as i keep to myself, fight when i need to fight, stab when i need to stab etc..even the head of the Bloods is giving me advice
"Just go ruthless Timdog"
Sha comes and gives me a hug, and says a little speach about how much of a nice guy i am and how much everyone will miss me, then says
"On behalf of everyone here, i'd like to let you know..."
unfolds a piece of paper that just says 'PUNKD' on it
The WHOLE fucking unit erupts in laughter, people are rolling around on the floor crying, punching the walls, screaming, laughing at the top of their lungs....MOTHERFUCKERS!!! even the fucking PRISON OFFICER was in on the joke!! PRICKS!
Time to change my shitty pants..
Saturday, 1 January 2011
NEW YEAR
I bet you're wondering what i did for New Years?
Well the local bar was closed, it got raided about a week ago after one of the hooch containers exploded and fonged out the whole fucking unit, so it was a sober one for me i'm affraid...
There was a break dancing battle in the kitchen which lasted for about half an hour, until the captain came running into the unit screaming 'WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON' and we had to scram! Yikadges!
When it finally got to twelve, me an my cellie sparked up an extremely big/crude snout, and toasted the new year with some moonshineries...from about five minutes before twelve, to two hours after, EVERYONE in the jail were kicking their doors/punching the walls/screaming, it was like fucking armageddon...was too funny seeing Sha calmy stand up, put his shoes on, then run and boot the door about 50 times lol
Definitely a new years to remember!
Here's hoping this year is going to be better than the last one..
When we were being locked in, all the inmates in the unit were going around wishing everyone a happy new year, after the head of the Bloods came upto me to wish me a new year, an italian dude calmly walked up to me an said..
"Hey English, Happy New year! It's going to be Happy year, so be happy my freind :D
Well the local bar was closed, it got raided about a week ago after one of the hooch containers exploded and fonged out the whole fucking unit, so it was a sober one for me i'm affraid...
There was a break dancing battle in the kitchen which lasted for about half an hour, until the captain came running into the unit screaming 'WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON' and we had to scram! Yikadges!
When it finally got to twelve, me an my cellie sparked up an extremely big/crude snout, and toasted the new year with some moonshineries...from about five minutes before twelve, to two hours after, EVERYONE in the jail were kicking their doors/punching the walls/screaming, it was like fucking armageddon...was too funny seeing Sha calmy stand up, put his shoes on, then run and boot the door about 50 times lol
Definitely a new years to remember!
Here's hoping this year is going to be better than the last one..
When we were being locked in, all the inmates in the unit were going around wishing everyone a happy new year, after the head of the Bloods came upto me to wish me a new year, an italian dude calmly walked up to me an said..
"Hey English, Happy New year! It's going to be Happy year, so be happy my freind :D