Christmas is in the bag and a couple days from now
it'll be the new year..
This past 12 months have not exactly been ideal for me,
given the choice i somehow do not think my time would have been
allocated to being locked in a maximum security jail in the company of
heads so retarded that when they stand up to piss,
they piss on their own balls..
but FUCK..things don't always pan out quite how one would've hoped..
Onwards and upwards!
Certain situations in my daily routine give way to periods of extreme clarity,
awareness of my surroundings and ultimately peace of mind.
Today for example,
after shooting a load of kids into a cumrag,
i thought back to last year when i was in the exact same place,
how i was thinking, what i was feeling, what type of shape i was in
and most importantly how i invisioned myself a year down the line.
One's view of prison,
especially from the confines of BEHIND the bars,
is usually a somewhat depressing image accompanied by violins
and other neeeext bateness..
Early on into incarceration you can't help but dwell on were you are,
how long you have been here, what you might be missing out on,
how long all this mess is going to take to sort out and most importantly
what things are going to look like in the near future.
When i thought about what i would look like in the future,
my mind would conjour up an image similar to those statues of Jesus you see
were he's pure skin an bones, pale, mashed up staring up at the sky with glazed over
Looking at myself now, compared to this biblically questionable image of the (white? Caucasion?) son of god,
to my suprise i am not in such dramatic circumstances..
Someone told me very early on into my bid,
"My n****r, things will only get better"
It was hard to believe.
Especially when the person telling me came in here thinking he would
get a deuce and subsequently got his head blown off
Dude got got sentanced to 20 years!
he was actually right..
Every single aspect of my life HAS improved
over the last year.
I managed to get myself sober..
Not by choice but still..
It's actually a very weird feeling having this much mental clarity,
compared to my mindframe before my arrest i actually feel like
i might possibly possess some kind of intelligence.
But don't quote me on that..
Recently someone asked to see some flicks,
i think he was requesting for what is commonly known as 'freak flicks'
but sadly i don't posses any (that are fit for public consumption) so i showed him
a bunch of my photos that got snapped just before i got banged up abroad.
He didn't even believe that the flicks of me
was the same person, even going as far as asking me,
"yo who's that fat dude"
He had a point though.
The amount of weight i have lost is stupid.
When i raise my arms,
i can see the outline of my ribs.
Not sure if that's a good thing,
but it's better than counting mad rolls of purely unadulterated Turkish lard..
What i'm failing to eloquently put forward to you
is that no matter how dier you might think your circumstances might be,
things WILL get better.
Success OR defeat,
Nothing lasts forever..
I have to let you know how much Your support
has meant to me over the past 15 months.
The books that got sent,
photos in the mail, bread donated to the Timothy Guvercin is broke as a joke fund,
postcards, magazines, shouts on websites, pieces, panels, tattoos, sketches,
even trips across the Atlantic to spend some a little time with me..
You might be thousands of miles away,
but i don't feel alone.
Your compassion has got me through a very difficult year in my life
and i would like to say thankyou.
One important lesson that i have learnt in here
is that i am at my most content and spiritually at peace
in life when i help people.
I want you to know that if there is anything i can do for you,
whether it's listening to your problems, offering some kind of
advice, anything at all, all you have to do is reach out and i will
do anything i can for you.
I don't want you to think that i would ever see your problems
as less important or irrevelant because of my current circumstances,
that simply is not the case.
You are never alone.
There is always someone out there who has faith in you and
knows that you can make it through whatever
you are going through in life.